Eating Disorder NSV

I ALMOST lost track of the goal yesterday - to become a fitness model.

So when I was a teenage girl, I skipped breakfast and lunch and hardly ate dinner.

Why?

Because I wanted to be a Victoria's Secret model. I have naturally large breasts so I thought...why can't I look like those girls in this magazine?

So 10 years later and (nearly) recovered from an eating disorder, I was mailed a Victoria's Secret magazine. I had to catch myself - I was originally looking at the product, but then I started looking at the model's, and ALL of the old insecurities, thoughts, and unrealistic goals came flooding back as I was thinking "Why can't I just be that? It's not fair. Why do some women get blessed with the perfect figure, and I'm stuck lugging around this tub of lard."

So my fiance, who is absolutely wonderful and amazing, looks up from dinner (yes, looking at a fashion magazine during dinner is smart, isn't it?) and says to me "Those girls are way too skinny. They look sick."

I didn't see it.

He told me to run and grab one of my several Oxygen magazines. So I did, and opened to a picture of a strong woman with ripped biceps, ripped stomach, and all around FIT to the MAX! She had shoulders, arms, a butt...and she was smiling. She looked GENUINELY happy. I compared her to the first model on the page I was open to - the fiance was right. She looked ill and weak.

I am moving forward - no longer do I want to strive for the stick and sick look. I want to be fit, I want to be muscular, and even if every single item of clothing won't fit me, who cares? I'm not going to be ill anymore.