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Vegan_Chick
Vegan_Chick Posts: 474 Member
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My son, 8 years old, has a new friend who is the sweetest kid possible. I went to his house for the first time yesterday to pick him up for a sleepover and his parents smoke in their house. This bothers me like crazy because even when I used to smoke years ago, I would never smoke around my kids and think it is wrong and gross. Plus the kid smelled like stale smoke and garbage, poor kid.

My question is this; I know they are going to want my kid to have sleepovers over there at some point and I do not know what to say to them. I am not sure if I can handle my kid going over there in that kind of environment. What would you do if this was your kid? Has anyone had to deal with this? My partner said we should lie and tell them our kid has asthma and can't go over there. Not sure if I want to lie. On the other hand, will it be that bad for him to go over there once in a while? They are nice people and I don't want to offend them. Any suggestions would be great.
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  • 2Bgoddess
    2Bgoddess Posts: 1,096 Member
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    When the invite happens just say he won't be able to sleep over. you don't have to give a reason.
    Just wondering where you live, cuz around here it is against the law to smoke in a vehicle while there is a passenger under the age of 18...I think they are moving toward making it a law to forbid smoking in a house where a child lives too, if they haven't already. (my hubby smokes but never in the house or car with me or the kids.)
  • Caitie1986
    Caitie1986 Posts: 72 Member
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    You could make it a rule to always have sleepovers at your home, where you have parental supervision and no smoking.
  • bmmadden
    bmmadden Posts: 499 Member
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    I grew up with parents that smoked in the house and still do, it is so weird because when was younger I did not smell it on myself but now that Im older and go visit my parents who are still smoking when I leave I cannot wait to get home and shower/change to get the smell off me. I agree I think it s wrong to smoke around kids also, however I know some people especially the older they are are set n their ways.. When I had friends over growing up we were in my room with door shut most of the time and werent even around it and it didnt seem to bother my friends so maybe that will be the case with your son and then as soon as he gets home have him shower and change clothes and throw his old clothes in the wash, but really if it bothers you I wouldnt let him and not give an excuse unless they ask
  • Marley112586
    Marley112586 Posts: 168 Member
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    I agree with your partner. Lie. But my kids arent allowed to stay at anyones house. I don't trust people. And I dont think every once in a while would hurt that bad. I think its when people chain smoke in an enclosed area. Where they can't get fresh air.
  • leeanndelcourt
    leeanndelcourt Posts: 28 Member
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    That is tough! My dad is a smoker, too, and when my kiddos were little I just asked my dad if he could not smoke in the house while we were around......it was hard b/c it's his house and I love my dad, but, I was concerned with my children's lungs and it just stinks. He went outside, though, while we were there.
    Another thought: now that my kids are a little older and I've been a mom for a little longer I don't think being around smoke once in awhile would be that big of a deal..ask you Dr.....maybe your son could just leave the room if someone lights up a cigarette.....go play in another room or go to the bathroom for a few minutes to avoid it.
  • debstanley4
    debstanley4 Posts: 208 Member
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    You have to think of your child. They know smoking is not healthy I'm sure how you handle it will make a difference. Just let them know up front. I wouldn't let him go in the house if they are both smoking in there it is on the walls in the everything not good. If they have a room they don't smoke in that the kids can play in I would check it out first then maybe. It is hard for you and your little boy but you are not alone in how you feel. I think how you handle it will make a big diffence. Be as matter of fact and polite as possible. Most people respect that.
  • Rensco
    Rensco Posts: 36
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    I guess I'd say as long as it's only every once in a while (3-4 times a year) that I wouldn't worry about letting him sleep over. He may very well come to the conclusion on his own that he would rather have it at your house due to the smoking thing. I wouldn't let him go in their car though - that just seems like way too close quarters if their lighting up. But, you should be able to miss that by controling what time he goes over and such. I mean, he goes over after dinner then they don't really need to be going anywhere and you pick him up/drop off.
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
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    good relationships are built on honesty (I know corny) but honestly second-hand smoke isn't good and those smells are hard to get out, especially when you don't want them there. anyway just tell them how you feel. conflict isn't a horrible thing, that's how issues get resolved, take care
  • asyouseefit
    asyouseefit Posts: 1,265 Member
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    I don't think a sleepover every once in a while will be harmful. I guess they don't think in the kids' rooms, right? Just try to organise them at your place as often as possible! :)
  • Giraffe33991
    Giraffe33991 Posts: 434 Member
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    I would not let my kid sleep over nor play in that house due to the smoke. No explaination necessary, I am sure the smokers will figure it out. Oh yeah, and riding in their car would be out too.

    Smokers just gross me out.
  • premiumchilenita
    premiumchilenita Posts: 600 Member
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    Just be honest, It doesn't mean that you have to be nasty about it or offensive. I'm sure they would understand. Start off by telling them that the last thing you want to do is offend them and you value the friendship that your children have and then let them know your concern. But if they don't ask, don't tell them, it's unnecessary
  • Mommawarrior
    Mommawarrior Posts: 897 Member
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    I would be honest and tell them that he isn't allowed to sleep over at anyone's house where people smoke in the house. My child never was and I always gave the honest truth. No need in trying to lie or cover up, it will come out in the end anyways.
  • Vegan_Chick
    Vegan_Chick Posts: 474 Member
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    I would be honest and tell them that he isn't allowed to sleep over at anyone's house where people smoke in the house. My child never was and I always gave the honest truth. No need in trying to lie or cover up, it will come out in the end anyways.
    When you said this to the parents, what were their reactions?
  • Vegan_Chick
    Vegan_Chick Posts: 474 Member
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    Thanks for all of the suggestions and opinions. I am still unsure of what I will do but this has helped me
  • SarabellPlus3
    SarabellPlus3 Posts: 496 Member
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    I guess I'd say as long as it's only every once in a while (3-4 times a year) that I wouldn't worry about letting him sleep over. He may very well come to the conclusion on his own that he would rather have it at your house due to the smoking thing.
    That's my answer for me.
    If you are uncomfortable with it, just be honest with the parents. It's not like you'll be the ffirst person they ever heard of not liking smoke. Just say "oh, can so-&-so stay over here instead? I don't want Bobby to be around smoke too much."
  • Mommawarrior
    Mommawarrior Posts: 897 Member
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    I would be honest and tell them that he isn't allowed to sleep over at anyone's house where people smoke in the house. My child never was and I always gave the honest truth. No need in trying to lie or cover up, it will come out in the end anyways.
    When you said this to the parents, what were their reactions?

    Some offended, some understood and were fine with their kid staying at my house instead.
    I grew up in a home where both my parents smoked like chimneys in the dead of winter. It is gross and nasty and I had a headache from the time I can remember till like 2 months after moving out. Come to find out just several years ago I am terrible allergic to smoke and I won't even stay in my parents house anymore, or anywhere that someone smokes. And I wasn't going to subject my kid to it either. I am not rude about it, I am just honest and if people are offended, that is on them. Honesty offends people in so many other arenas in life, not just smoking.

    Good luck. I hate that you are in this situation. I hate it for anyone.
  • Uk_Yogini
    Uk_Yogini Posts: 167
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    If it was my kid, no I wouldn't let him go. I would also be honest with the parents and tell them you don't want your son around second hand smoke. If they are decent people as you say they are, then they will appreciate your honesty.
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
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    Be honest.
    Say; I am very sorry and I don't want to offend you but with all the medical information on the dangers of second hand smoke and it's effects on children, I don't think I feel comfortable with our son sleeping over. I hope it doesn't effect the kids friendship because we think your family is great and the boys love playing together.
  • lmelangley
    lmelangley Posts: 1,039 Member
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    good relationships are built on honesty (I know corny) but honestly second-hand smoke isn't good and those smells are hard to get out, especially when you don't want them there. anyway just tell them how you feel. conflict isn't a horrible thing, that's how issues get resolved, take care

    I agree. Let them know you like them and think their kid is terrific, and that you support their choice to run their household as they see fit, but that you don't want your child around the smoke for more than a couple of hours at a time. Tell them you hope your decision won't impact the boys relationship, and suggest sleepovers be at your place. Just be kind and respectful in your wording. Explain the why to your son without too much detail - that can overwhelm kids. Frame it as they made a family choice that's right for their family right now, but isn't right for your family. And, get ready for a bit of whining. Good luck!
  • twinmommy3
    twinmommy3 Posts: 28 Member
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    I would be honest and tell them that you can't put your child in an environment with smoke. If you are not honest they may keep asking. Also telling them the truth may make them realize they are endangering their child. My dad smoked in the house and car when we were kids. My brother and I both suffer from asthma because of this. Not worth the risk!

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