Relationship advice?

Kaecklund
Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
edited October 2024 in Motivation and Support
Not sure what else to put in the subject line...

My boyfriend's 13 year old son stays with us on the weekends (his daughter as well). The son always demands the tv and it drives me NUTS. I have been quiet and passive (which is so not me) letting my boyfriend handle things for the most part.

Also, when I cook he complains about the food - doesn't like it, and instead his dad often has to make him something else to eat. He's a very picky eater and voices his disapproval, which I find to be very rude. So tonight him and his dad were to make dinner. He really didn't want to. I wanted him to have a taste of the effort involved in preparing a meal and cleanup. Obviously he's not getting it since he's currently sitting in front of the tv while his dad cooks.

Anyway, he practically demanded the tv remote from me so he could watch his show and when I didn't give it to him he said "woman!" at which point I lost my mind. I told him not to ever speak to me that way again and gave him the remote and left the room before I said something I shouldn't have. He has no respect for me and I think my silence and passive attitude has made me a doormat. We have a strained relationship and I'm just at a loss. While this went down, my boyfriend was cooking in the kitchen and didn't say anything because he thought I handled it well. Well obviously there's a problem because I've locked myself away in the room and I'm fuming. Anyone have any words of advice?

A little note: boyfriend is 10 years older than me, I am 26. The parents have been split since May 2009. I am the first woman (post-mom) in the picture and we have been together a year and a half.
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Replies

  • lucylue21
    lucylue21 Posts: 214
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
  • wbgolden
    wbgolden Posts: 2,066 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.
  • rharris86dc
    rharris86dc Posts: 635 Member
    Either tell him to have a talk with his son about respect, or find a new boyfriend with less baggage.
  • Dootzy1
    Dootzy1 Posts: 2,361 Member
    What do you want for yourself? Can you really justify that behavior? How much more do you deserve, dear? IMHO, it's a red flag. I know the heart leads us to some challenging situations, sometimes. Best of luck.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.

    However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?

    For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.
  • lucylue21
    lucylue21 Posts: 214
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.

    exactly. you would stand up for your girl if some moron did something stupid. you wouldnt just say "i thought you could handel yourself" if you did, then you are a wimp
  • willnorton
    willnorton Posts: 995 Member
    you have a tough road ahead...but be strong and let him know in no uncertain terms you are the head dog.....

    im sure it will work for oyu....

    could you imagine living like that for a lot of years.....

    nip it now...



    oh...tell him you "know people" who handle little snot noses like him.... might get a laugh
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    There's going to be an intense conversation behind closed doors. I need a drink!
  • lucylue21
    lucylue21 Posts: 214
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.

    However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?

    For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.

    show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it
  • adrianneboyd
    adrianneboyd Posts: 88 Member
    You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Talk to him about how you would like him to support you in these situations. Make some ground rules and explain them to his son as well. No TV until after you eat, please and thank you or you get nothing, etc. That might help clear up the behavior. In situations like this, the child may just be trying to get as much slack as possible because he feels slighly betrayed. Or he's just being a boy with an attitude. Either way, I would discuss the role you should play. Are you important/serious enough of a relationship for you to step in a be in a role of disciplining his son? These questions should clear alot up.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.

    ^This. The kid should be respectful to all adults, period. It's your boyfriend's job to teach him that, and no offense, but it sounds like he hasn't. If it were me, I would have to consider if this were the kind of guy I would want to pursue a relationship with, but, that's just me.

    Edit: My husband is always telling me "men are oblivious" and to always assume he is probably clueless. LOL. So maybe he is just that checked out. Something needs to be done, for sure, but he needs to do it, and not you. Since you guys aren't married and you're technically not the "step-mom," it's not really your place, in my opinion.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.

    However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?

    For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.

    show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it
    I thought about that - and I think I will. I won't play into his manipulation!
  • RobertG86
    RobertG86 Posts: 49
    Are you really going to let a 13 year old get you upset? Call him out on his attitude ask him why he is giving you such gripe. Imagine in being in his spot he isnt looking for a new mom. Have a 1 on 1 with the kid My step mother and me were like you and his kid we butted heads for a good 5 years.
  • rharris86dc
    rharris86dc Posts: 635 Member
    If it were me, I would have to consider if this were the kind of guy I would want to pursue a relationship with, but, that's just me.

    ^^^THIS^^^
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    I took him aside and asked him why he didn't say anything and his response was he didn't know what was going on, and from what he could see, I handled it quite well. He didn't think he needed to step in.

    However, I feel his son needs to see us as a unit. That might make him respect me more if he knew his dad was behind me. The thing is nothing gets addressed because they leave for the week and come back on the weekend and it's like a clean slate, things forgotten, never addressed. Something is seriously wrong here. It's as though his son won't let me close because he may feel he's betraying his mother?

    For 2 weekends in a row he's wanted to play a board game that he knows I don't like. I think it's to exclude me.


    show him its not going to work. play the stupid game even if you dont want to. laugh and smile the whole time even if you hate it
    I thought about that - and I think I will. I won't play into his manipulation!

    It is my opinion that the son probably needs to be seeing a counselor, so he can sort through this in a healthy way, instead of passive-aggressively.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. Talk to him about how you would like him to support you in these situations. Make some ground rules and explain them to his son as well. No TV until after you eat, please and thank you or you get nothing, etc. That might help clear up the behavior. In situations like this, the child may just be trying to get as much slack as possible because he feels slighly betrayed. Or he's just being a boy with an attitude. Either way, I would discuss the role you should play. Are you important/serious enough of a relationship for you to step in a be in a role of disciplining his son? These questions should clear alot up.
    I have no grounds to discipline. The mother would throw a FIT. And the son wouldn't take me seriously or would stop coming over, and his dad would be upset. His son thinks he's a little adult. He buts into conversation, just very ungrateful overall. It's as though everything is handed to him. And we have pretty much no relationship. He doesn't say goodbye to me when he leaves after the weekend is over and I really want to have a relationship with him - just can't be forced. As for me and my boyfriend we are serious. We have talked about children and marriage. This is pretty much the only roadblock for us. I try to let it go and turn my cheek to some stuff but tonight I am fit to be tied.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    have a chat with the boy. You're the grown up. If he's mad at you b/c you're with his dad then that's his problem for the time being (as long as you're with his dad). Dinner is dinner at my house and if you don't like it feel free to make a pb&j (that's how we roll at our house). As for how he talks to you unacceptable. You don't talk to him that way and he needs to refrain as well. If he wants to be treated like a grown-up then he needs to act like a grown up. That means you treat people with respect. As for the BF this is all new to him as well and he should help establish the ground rules with his son and you all in agreement.

    Well that's my 2 cents. I know it must be very scary, frustrating, and irritating all at the same time....Hang in there.
  • musicgirl88
    musicgirl88 Posts: 504 Member
    I dont' have any kids, but as a teacher, I can tell you just DON'T put up with the attitude. The problem is, you have already let him take control, so now it will be even harder to gain control back. With kids, you have to show them who is boss from the start, otherwise they know they can get away with anything, especially if his dad is of no help. If everyone week is truly like a new start, then stop giving in to a 13 year old. YOU are the adult, not him. Your boyfriend needs to back you up on it, or things will just get worse. If he can't man up, then maybe he's not someone you should be with!!
  • fastbelly
    fastbelly Posts: 727 Member
    tell your boyfriend to be a man and stick up for you. he wouldnt let some random guy talk to you like that so why is he letting his son?

    edit: also, dont give into the brat. if he wont eat what you cook,d ont cook something else and dont let your boyfriend cook for him. if i were you, id walk into the livingroom, snatch the remote control, turn off the tv, walk out, lock myself in a room.
    Except you shouldn't have to tell him. He just should.

    Sorry but this will have to be a +1.
  • kerrylou45
    kerrylou45 Posts: 60 Member
    I am also a step parent to a teenage son(16) and my hubby is 10 years older. I have been with my hubby for 10 years but still have issues similar to yours. I find it very hard and still let him do most of the parenting with him. I do get involved but its just different when they are step childern. I have been in their lives since the spilt and have seen what it does to a kid when it happens. I did my best to be there for him and was the one who comforted him when he was upset. It can take a long time for them to adjust and to be a teenager while doing it would be a lot to handle. what your bf son said was way off the charts and it would be very hard to handle and I think your bf really needs to have a good talk to him about respect. and you need to have a good talk to your bf about making sure he pulls his sons reins in on the spot. You should have to tell him to do so! I think you both need to talk to him and the daughter about the rules you want both the kids to live by when they are with you both.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    Are you really going to let a 13 year old get you upset? Call him out on his attitude ask him why he is giving you such gripe. Imagine in being in his spot he isnt looking for a new mom. Have a 1 on 1 with the kid My step mother and me were like you and his kid we butted heads for a good 5 years.
    And I think a lot of my problem with him is not our relationship - but that he is a spoiled kid with no respect for adults. He doesn't know his place. He thinks he deserves the front seat of the car. I'm not joking! He fights me for it. He sees me as on the same level as him. Maybe because I am 26, he is 13... I don't know. Or because I am his dad's "girlfriend", not "wife". Never have I tried to be his mom and I've told both the kids that. He's just a little punk! He even has attittude w/his dad! He gets away with murder! I think I just need to let him and his dad have some bonding time and me step aside for my own sanity. I'll continue my great relationship with the daughter.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
    It's a tough one. Train a child up in the ways they should go and they will never depart. Having clear defined rules helps. Kids will generally do as little as they can when doing a task just to get it done. As much as you feel incapable to do or find hard to do, you need to talk to your significant other about the problem. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You need to define with his dad what your specific disciplinary boundaries are and tell him how the childs dissrespect is affecting you. His attitude is not allowing him to live abundantly to the glory of God. As much as it is hard to see sometimes children are a blessing and they have gifts. The body has many members and each member is a value to the body. So also the body of Christ (the church) and your household. He's not seeing his own value and doesn't know that he is as well as has gifts that value your home. He needs leadership to help him define and uncover what those gifts are. May the Lord bring you wisdom and bridge the gap of your communication and relationship.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member

    And I think a lot of my problem with him is not our relationship - but that he is a spoiled kid with no respect for adults. He doesn't know his place. He thinks he deserves the front seat of the car. I'm not joking! He fights me for it. He sees me as on the same level as him.

    ...this is the kid your boyfriend raised. I would think about that. :(
  • RobertG86
    RobertG86 Posts: 49
    good point. kids will be kids and boys are worse. i was the spawn of satan at 13.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
    Proverbs 15
    1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.
    It's tough but when we act in love instead of react to the situation it empowers us. Extending grace where it is not deserved warrents blessing. We depend entirely too much on ourselves to fix our problems. When I've turned to God and prayed and gave Him control I've always found success. The answer isn't always what I'm looking for. Sometimes you have to get in the middle of a forest before you can uncover it's hidden beauty. Whenever there is a valley it always has hills of hope on both sides.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
    It's not like he's a monster. He is a good kid, just doesn't know his place, I think. His mom made him into the man of the house since they split. He has adult rights over there. And he spends most of his time there. Can't change this and the man I'm with is wonderful. She did most of the raising as he did most of the working/bringing home the money, and I think he doesn't know what to do. As for counselling, the son refuses. Dad won't force him. Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.
  • kerrylou45
    kerrylou45 Posts: 60 Member
    I think I should have a talk with him, in a very calm manner. sometimes kids dont even know what there problem is. Sometimes talking can get it out. Just maybe give him something to ponder.
  • kezarn
    kezarn Posts: 1
    Hi!

    I agree with RobertG86...

    Also, I'd like to add that I was in your boyfriends' son's shoes at one time. My mom started dating a man and initially wasn't too fond of him simply because I didn't yet consider him to be a part of MY family. I disliked him for about the first 2 to 3 years of their relationship...but they are now married and I couldn't be happier that he is with my mom. He makes her smile and I think they are great together, but it took time and maturity to finally realize this, which can be difficult for a 13 year old.

    This all being said, he may not feel very positively toward you because he is afraid that you are taking his mom's place in a certain sense. I know that probably isn't your intention at all, but that may be how he sees it. I would advise you to NOT try to discipline him - that may only put more fuel on the fire between the two of you. Maybe sit down with your boyfriend, tell him how they way his son treats you makes you feel, and ask that he speak with his son about it to try convey that message and request that he treats you respectfully (as he should treat any adult). Also, your boyfriend might try to ask what exactly his son is bothered by. He could be jealous that your boyfriend is now spending more time with you and he has to share the time he spends with his dad...or he could be afraid that his dad will replace his mom with you...etc.

    I hope that this helps a little bit...just a few thoughts typed out. :) Best of luck! If you have more questions feel free to ask.
  • kerrylou45
    kerrylou45 Posts: 60 Member
    totally agree!
  • fragilegift
    fragilegift Posts: 347 Member
    What the others have said is probably a good way to look at your relationship.

    That said, I had a step dad when I was growing up, and along with that came his kids. When they stayed, they [seemed to] also get away with blue murder, and so did my baby sister when she stayed with her dad (my step dad, after they spilt up of course). I've also run into the same thing when my kids went to stay with their dad. Dad spoils them, coz he 'never has them' - time with dad is a hoot, a time to be away from all of mums rules, no set bed times, and demanding things mum would never allow (such as the front seat in the car). When they go back to mum, all hell breaks loose, because of the freedom dad allowed.

    Its not easy being in your position, I've almost been there, (I had a bf who was the 'step parent') and sitting back so as not to cause a fuss, doesn't work in the long run.

    Good luck with this.
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