Relationship advice?

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  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
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    Are you really going to let a 13 year old get you upset? Call him out on his attitude ask him why he is giving you such gripe. Imagine in being in his spot he isnt looking for a new mom. Have a 1 on 1 with the kid My step mother and me were like you and his kid we butted heads for a good 5 years.
    And I think a lot of my problem with him is not our relationship - but that he is a spoiled kid with no respect for adults. He doesn't know his place. He thinks he deserves the front seat of the car. I'm not joking! He fights me for it. He sees me as on the same level as him. Maybe because I am 26, he is 13... I don't know. Or because I am his dad's "girlfriend", not "wife". Never have I tried to be his mom and I've told both the kids that. He's just a little punk! He even has attittude w/his dad! He gets away with murder! I think I just need to let him and his dad have some bonding time and me step aside for my own sanity. I'll continue my great relationship with the daughter.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    It's a tough one. Train a child up in the ways they should go and they will never depart. Having clear defined rules helps. Kids will generally do as little as they can when doing a task just to get it done. As much as you feel incapable to do or find hard to do, you need to talk to your significant other about the problem. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You need to define with his dad what your specific disciplinary boundaries are and tell him how the childs dissrespect is affecting you. His attitude is not allowing him to live abundantly to the glory of God. As much as it is hard to see sometimes children are a blessing and they have gifts. The body has many members and each member is a value to the body. So also the body of Christ (the church) and your household. He's not seeing his own value and doesn't know that he is as well as has gifts that value your home. He needs leadership to help him define and uncover what those gifts are. May the Lord bring you wisdom and bridge the gap of your communication and relationship.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
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    And I think a lot of my problem with him is not our relationship - but that he is a spoiled kid with no respect for adults. He doesn't know his place. He thinks he deserves the front seat of the car. I'm not joking! He fights me for it. He sees me as on the same level as him.

    ...this is the kid your boyfriend raised. I would think about that. :(
  • RobertG86
    RobertG86 Posts: 49
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    good point. kids will be kids and boys are worse. i was the spawn of satan at 13.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    Proverbs 15
    1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
    but a harsh word stirs up anger.
    It's tough but when we act in love instead of react to the situation it empowers us. Extending grace where it is not deserved warrents blessing. We depend entirely too much on ourselves to fix our problems. When I've turned to God and prayed and gave Him control I've always found success. The answer isn't always what I'm looking for. Sometimes you have to get in the middle of a forest before you can uncover it's hidden beauty. Whenever there is a valley it always has hills of hope on both sides.
  • Kaecklund
    Kaecklund Posts: 191 Member
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    It's not like he's a monster. He is a good kid, just doesn't know his place, I think. His mom made him into the man of the house since they split. He has adult rights over there. And he spends most of his time there. Can't change this and the man I'm with is wonderful. She did most of the raising as he did most of the working/bringing home the money, and I think he doesn't know what to do. As for counselling, the son refuses. Dad won't force him. Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.
  • kerrylou45
    kerrylou45 Posts: 60 Member
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    I think I should have a talk with him, in a very calm manner. sometimes kids dont even know what there problem is. Sometimes talking can get it out. Just maybe give him something to ponder.
  • kezarn
    kezarn Posts: 1
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    Hi!

    I agree with RobertG86...

    Also, I'd like to add that I was in your boyfriends' son's shoes at one time. My mom started dating a man and initially wasn't too fond of him simply because I didn't yet consider him to be a part of MY family. I disliked him for about the first 2 to 3 years of their relationship...but they are now married and I couldn't be happier that he is with my mom. He makes her smile and I think they are great together, but it took time and maturity to finally realize this, which can be difficult for a 13 year old.

    This all being said, he may not feel very positively toward you because he is afraid that you are taking his mom's place in a certain sense. I know that probably isn't your intention at all, but that may be how he sees it. I would advise you to NOT try to discipline him - that may only put more fuel on the fire between the two of you. Maybe sit down with your boyfriend, tell him how they way his son treats you makes you feel, and ask that he speak with his son about it to try convey that message and request that he treats you respectfully (as he should treat any adult). Also, your boyfriend might try to ask what exactly his son is bothered by. He could be jealous that your boyfriend is now spending more time with you and he has to share the time he spends with his dad...or he could be afraid that his dad will replace his mom with you...etc.

    I hope that this helps a little bit...just a few thoughts typed out. :) Best of luck! If you have more questions feel free to ask.
  • kerrylou45
    kerrylou45 Posts: 60 Member
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    totally agree!
  • fragilegift
    fragilegift Posts: 347 Member
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    What the others have said is probably a good way to look at your relationship.

    That said, I had a step dad when I was growing up, and along with that came his kids. When they stayed, they [seemed to] also get away with blue murder, and so did my baby sister when she stayed with her dad (my step dad, after they spilt up of course). I've also run into the same thing when my kids went to stay with their dad. Dad spoils them, coz he 'never has them' - time with dad is a hoot, a time to be away from all of mums rules, no set bed times, and demanding things mum would never allow (such as the front seat in the car). When they go back to mum, all hell breaks loose, because of the freedom dad allowed.

    Its not easy being in your position, I've almost been there, (I had a bf who was the 'step parent') and sitting back so as not to cause a fuss, doesn't work in the long run.

    Good luck with this.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
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    Dad won't force him.

    Why?
    Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.

    Why?
  • zendarah
    zendarah Posts: 91 Member
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    I took a couple of psychology lectures on blended families. :) This is what i would do from what i learnt.

    Step one is to sit down with the dad only to talk about setting some "family rules". The rules should address things like being respectful and caring, or other traits that you both agree a child should have. You need to work out what behaviours you both think are acceptable and compromise. Your boyfriend may value a childs right to speak their mind, whereas you may just see it smartmouthing, Talk it over. Compromise.

    Then you can move on to small rules that address current problems. Things like "you cant watch two of YOUR TV programs in a row" and "Kids have to help make dinner" or "Noone is permitted to speak negatively about a dinner they didnt help make". It doesnt matter really. Specific rules help in specific situations, such as dinnertime, nighttime or mornings.

    Once you an your partner have AGREED on what you think are appropriate rules, take to the children together. The children should come up with some rules they like but make a good discussion of it. Then discuss your rules and explain your reasons as to why you want to make them family rules. The children should agreed with your rules. saying something like " it really hurts my feelings when you complain about my cooking" usually does the trick. If not, offer solutions, such as helping to make dinner, or being allowed to make cereal/toast for dinner but only if they do it themselves. Theyll get bored of toast eventually :laugh:

    Finally, when a rule is broken it should be a "family" rule has been broken. Not your rule and not your partners rule. Your partner should hand out the punishment.

    You guys really just need to be on the same page about this.
  • M3CH4N1C
    M3CH4N1C Posts: 157
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    I think the greatest gift, that is beyond any material riches, that a parent can give their children is self worth. Self worth is instilled in children through discipline, which consists of love and guidance. It appears as though his actions may be a reflection of him feeling not loved or being misguided, or both. Be mindful when you talk to him, because what we judge in others is how we condemn ourselves. Once a child reaches adulthood without attaining self worth, statistics show, ever growingly, that his chances of facilitating the completion of this will be a life long struggle in one facet or another.
  • jrhstarlight
    jrhstarlight Posts: 867 Member
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    I have been in a similar situation dated a guy 9 years older than me and he had 3 young kids. Unfortunately he and his ex wife didn't bring them up the best as far as rules, boundaries or discipline, they were pretty wild when I came into the picture. I worked hard for almost 3 years getting them straightened out. However, my ex fought me tooth and nail over this :explode: We had lots of nights similar to yours where I would lay the law down and he would swoop in and undermined me in front of them and go against what I already said. It was way too stressful and not worth it in the end so I had to break it off. (yes there were other issues as well but this was #1) I mean 3 years and nothing had changed, oh except my ballooning weight and blood pressure lol. Sometimes you need to do whats best for you. I would seriously talk to both and then sit down with yourself and look inside and make sure you are doing the right thing by staying.

    I laugh when you say you won't give in to manipulation but you have and the son knows it (he is in control after all) and he will do what it takes so you buckle every time. Case in point he got angry at you and had to endure a few minutes or so of you yelling or being strict but you gave him the remote in the end, he got what he wanted. I would have NEVER handed the remote over. Plus you say he picks a game so you won't play and yet you don't, he won again. Show him who is boss and be a parent., you're in control not him.
  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
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    13 is a tough age. He's still a little kid in some ways. Trying to differentiate from adults. He's going to be testing boundaries no matter who is around. I think if I were you I'd get to know him better. Spend some time with him relating to him and figuring out who he is and what makes him tick.

    Throwing your weight around and demanding respect without making an effort to have a relationship with him is going to bite you in the *kitten*.
  • wbgolden
    wbgolden Posts: 2,071 Member
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    Dad won't force him. Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.
    Just wait until he turns 14 and legally gets to make all his medical and mental health decisions for himself.

    Yes, that's Washington State law.
  • auntiebabs
    auntiebabs Posts: 1,754 Member
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    Okay, I love kids, but none of my own. I used to teach, I've a dozen nieces & nephews, I was a nanny for during my college years. So all of my experience has been with other peoples children.

    Overall, the prevailing wisdom is that it is the Dad's job to handle discipline, by enlarge I agree, but...

    There is one basic guideline I've developed for dealing with other peoples children.

    When there behavior effects me directly. I get to draw a line.
    Really just pretty much self-defense, I get to set boundaries on how I allow myself to be treated.
    Others don't get to act or speak abusively to me, child or adult and I get to tell them so.

    FOR EXAMPLE:
    If a child comes up and is obviously about to hit me. I'll give him/her a warning (Saying "Don't do that!" with my serious face and my serious voice.) This gives them clear and direct expectations and it gives them a moment to think,. If they continue I don't feel it's unreasonable of me to grab the child's hand mid-strike and say "No! Your not allowed to hit me" I am not striking or man-handling the child I am preventing them from attacking me.
    I know that's more of a 3-7 y.o. kind of example.

    But what it comes down to is setting a clear expectation for behavior.
    (just because it seems obvious to you, doesn't mean it's obvious to them)
    "you are in my home and I expect you to treat me with respect"
    The trick is NOT TO GET ANGRY, but a clear calm, "no, that's not okay."

    So 1) ask for good behavior
    And 2) don't forget praise for good behavior...
    "Thank you for asking nicely, yes you may have the remote" or
    "Thank you for asking nicely, you may have the remote after my show is over." (Hardly even sounds like a NO.)

    It does sort of sounds like this child has not been told how to behave, so without expectations clearly set out for him he hasn't really had a fair shot. Kids will always push the boundaries, but it's the adults job to set them.

    Really, It's the BF's job to set consequences or punishments for disobedience, but you could post some house rules along with consequences. That everyone must follow Adults and Kids alike. If the rules are clear and the consequences are clear anyone should be able to enforce them... but you have to be ready for the kids to call you out on your bad behavior as well, and they will be keeping an eagle eye out for it. When they catch you, you've got to take your medicine like everybody else (I hate that!)

    Anything not covered in the house rules falls into to Dad's juristdiction.
  • auntiebabs
    auntiebabs Posts: 1,754 Member
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    I am the first woman (post-mom) in the picture and we have been together a year and a half.

    One thing you do have to remember is you were his Dad's choice not his choice.
    He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to be polite and respectful.

    If you start out treating each other politely and respectfully, with time and baby steps you can build a nice relationship.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    Okay, I love kids, but none of my own. I used to teach, I've a dozen nieces & nephews, I was a nanny for during my college years. So all of my experience has been with other peoples children.

    Overall, the prevailing wisdom is that it is the Dad's job to handle discipline, by enlarge I agree, but...

    There is one basic guideline I've developed for dealing with other peoples children.

    When there behavior effects me directly. I get to draw a line.
    Really just pretty much self-defense, I get to set boundaries on how I allow myself to be treated.
    Others don't get to act or speak abusively to me, child or adult and I get to tell them so.

    FOR EXAMPLE:
    If a child comes up and is obviously about to hit me. I'll give him/her a warning (Saying "Don't do that!" with my serious face and my serious voice.) This gives them clear and direct expectations and it gives them a moment to think,. If they continue I don't feel it's unreasonable of me to grab the child's hand mid-strike and say "No! Your not allowed to hit me" I am not striking or man-handling the child I am preventing them from attacking me.
    I know that's more of a 3-7 y.o. kind of example.

    But what it comes down to is setting a clear expectation for behavior.
    (just because it seems obvious to you, doesn't mean it's obvious to them)
    "you are in my home and I expect you to treat me with respect"
    The trick is NOT TO GET ANGRY, but a clear calm, "no, that's not okay."

    So 1) ask for good behavior
    And 2) don't forget praise for good behavior...
    "Thank you for asking nicely, yes you may have the remote" or
    "Thank you for asking nicely, you may have the remote after my show is over." (Hardly even sounds like a NO.)

    It does sort of sounds like this child has not been told how to behave, so without expectations clearly set out for him he hasn't really had a fair shot. Kids will always push the boundaries, but it's the adults job to set them.

    Really, It's the BF's job to set consequences or punishments for disobedience, but you could post some house rules along with consequences. That everyone must follow Adults and Kids alike. If the rules are clear and the consequences are clear anyone should be able to enforce them... but you have to be ready for the kids to call you out on your bad behavior as well, and they will be keeping an eagle eye out for it. When they catch you, you've got to take your medicine like everybody else (I hate that!)

    Anything not covered in the house rules falls into to Dad's juristdiction.
    I love this. THE BEST ADVICE EVER! We often forget that we have value and your spot on! I love your wisdome!
  • Johnny_Castle
    Johnny_Castle Posts: 159
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    Me giving relationship advice would be like Rosie O'donnell giving fitness advice or Larry King giving fashion advice and etc

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