Here's something I've been thinking about...

...and I want to get it off my chest.

First of all, I beg your pardon for writing such a HUGE post, and I in no way blame anyone who does not want to read it. :laugh: Its only about me anyway.

Generally, I consider myself to be a pretty fortunate person. I am grateful for many things and I am a very optimistic person who has a lot of pride (both in good ways and bad ) That being said, just like anyone, I still suffer from frequent insecurities that haunt me quietly in the depths of my psyche. I feel that I am independent to a fault. I am one who is more inclined to try and help others than to seek it. Any time I DO reach out for support or help I usually botch it up by giving a long-winded monologue that's hard to answer to. (Much like this monster of a post. I must apologize; old habits are hard to break.) I feel somewhat uncomfortable asking for help when I feel like I should be working harder to answer my own problems. (I am the very picture of an early Leo, for anyone who is well versed in astrology. It is my guilty pleasure, haha.)

My goal here at MFP, like many others, is to surround myself with people who are motivated toward healthy goals so that I can keep working hard even when my feeling of euphoria falls away. Even though I have not been here long, coming to MFP has really been a breath of fresh air.

Well, here’s my story:

I grew up feeling like I am the type who is naturally large, active and powerful; like I could move mountains if I ever wanted to. I used to dance, and I remember hitting 5’7” and 150lbs at only 13 (I’m the type who puts on muscle very easily. It was very hard to convince ANYONE that I weighed 150lbs when I looked like I was 120.) I was taller and stronger even than any of the boys in my class for most of my childhood. Well, time passed, I quit dance, and after 8 years I suddenly found myself 189 lbs with a 40% body fat ratio…!! On one hand I’m shocked, on the other hand… I’m not.

I feel wrong. I feel like I’m not the person I should be. I feel like I don’t have the freedoms I should have to do whatever I want. Laziness and denial have gotten the best of me, and I’m just plain sick of it.

I realize that I am a stubborn person who needs to learn my lesson the hard way and hit bottom before I can rise out of the ashes, so to speak. Which, I oddly feel proud of. I feel like I’m at my best when I’m working hard and I have admitted a fault of mine. My problems usually arise only if I fall back and I realize that I don’t have quite the support that I need.

At one point I finally decided to never lie to myself, to never make excuses, and to never regret my choices. In short, I grew up a little bit. It was after this crucial time in my life that I realized something when talking with acquaintances, and even friends. When I told them that I need to lose weight, I feel unhealthy; the answers would ALWAYS be along the lines of “No, you look fine.” “I hate how the media has made girls feel so uncomfortable about their weight.” “Being skinny is so overrated.” And “You’re not turning anorexic are you?”

…Really. These responses have NOTHING TO DO with what I’m saying. Are they listening? Do they care?

Granted, I have a “proportional body type” which has been very forgiving in gaining weight (I do feel grateful for it) but the truth of the matter is that I just felt gross. And now it has gotten to the point where I look and feel sloppy and undisciplined. Receiving half-hearted responses from others is something of a letdown and eventually it gets hard to maintain focus.

My motivation for leading a healthy lifestyle has been a long time in development. I had always been too hesitant to begin, feeling that I lacked the commitment to stick with any sort of life-altering plan. Now I have landed the AMAZING opportunity to study abroad in Japan for a whole year and I feel that I absolutely MUST leave a good impression and be a good ambassador.

During my study of Japanese culture there is one value that stuck out boldly and has inspired me. The word 努力 = doryoku is a word that is deeply ingrained in Japanese culture which means “hard work”. The Japanese equivalent to saying “good luck!” to someone is “work hard!” and the Japanese strongly feel that if you fail at something it’s simply because you didn’t work hard enough. It sounds very strict and unfair, but it is a concept I have come to embrace. They do not allow excuses to let you get away with giving up or failing. (That’s not to say failure is a bad thing, what makes or breaks a person is if they keep going at it or not.)

Well, this will be the first time I try to lead a healthy lifestyle. To be honest, in the past I never even thought twice about “dieting” or exercising, preferring to live a comfortable and convenient lifestyle. Now my pride can no longer deal with what I’ve gotten myself into. I want my confidence back, I want to give a good impression, I want to feel good again and I want to exceed the image of myself in my mind.

…. Ahh,

Thank you for letting me speak my mind. And I apologize in advance if I sound like an idiot / have bad grammar / sound too pretentious, etc. I mean well, but I’m not very organized. Haha.

In any case, I look forward to my stay here, and I hope I can make many new friends. !
For the sake of conversation, if anyone else wants to write up something similar in their experiences, I’m all ears. I know there’re probably tons of posts like this anyway.

Thank you very much everyone! It's so relieving to hear that there are others who want to work hard!

FitnessGeek:
You know, I'm FLABBERGASTED at the fact that after only three days of weight training I feel all my old muscles coming back to life! It's like my body remembered my old body and is fighting desperately to come back to it. Not only that but my cardio is better than it ever was! Even when I was dancing. o_o I assume it has something to do with my exploding willpower at the moment. :laugh:

Brille:

Here are links to little animations that show you the stroke order for (essentially, how to write) the kanji. They should show up with no problem. (But tell me if they dont.)
<--The first character "Do"
<--The second character "ryoku"

Put them next to eachother to form the word "Doryoku"