Struggling Emotionally..

hhorncastle · November 2011

I've replied to a couple of posts but this is the first thread I've ever started and I'm finding myself in kind of a vulnerable place today.

Here the thing: A Facebook friend of mine - someone I went to school with and have always looked up to and, I realize now, kind of measured myself against - recently started back on WW and is having wonderful success. She's actually lost more weight than I have, in a shorter period of time. However, she started off at a significantly higher weight than I did and I know on the Biggest Loser, those with the most to lose tend to lose the most at first, while those with proportionally less to lose don't have as dramatic weigh-ins.

Anyway.

I know I should be supporting her and celebrating her successes and really happy for her - and I AM, I swear. But I'm jealous, too. We weigh in on the same day, her through WW, me on my own with MFP, and today was weigh-in day. Her post of FB got 51 likes and about 15 supportive, congratulatory comments. My dad "liked" my post and congratulated me. That's it. Just my dad. That should be enough but it's not. I'm jealous. It's petty and immature and it shouldn't matter. I KNOW that. It shouldn't matter. I'm 38-fricking-years-old. We're not in high school and it shouldn't matter. All that should matter is that I'M proud of myself and know I'm working hard and doing well. My rational mind knows this. But the far less rational rest of me is pouting.

I've actually found the MFP community a little intimidating as a lurker. There are so many threads that say "closed group". The lame, childish part of me that is somehow stuck at 17 sees those posts and thinks "Well, there's another group I can't be part of. A clique that won't include me. People that already have all the friends they need." I suppose that's why I'm putting myself out here today. I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm looking for friends to take this journey with. Like, I'll celebrate your victories and you celebrate mine. And when I'm being a whiny brat, like now .. you .. um.. help me give my head a shake?

GTOgirl1969 · November 2011

Friend request sent

Amf5627622 · November 2011

Jealousy is a strong emotion. Just don't let it derail you. Use it to fuel your continued commitment and success. You will do it. Just envision posting your success story (and picture your friend reading it!) Good luck!!!

Bonita_Lynne_58 · November 2011

Don't minimalize your accomplishments. It's so easy to compare ourselves with others. Remember every ounce lost counts!

I'm sending a friend request now.

deabora · November 2011

I am proud of you! Congratulations, Keep up the Great Work.

mylifex2 · November 2011

I can completely understand your struggle. I don't think it's your friend you have the problem with. I think that, if you are like me, food and weight have been a huge issue in your life. It means the world to you to be successful. You are probably more determined than ever and just want to be able to celebrate your success as you should! You may feel it is coming "easier" for your friend...maybe you perceive that everything comes easy for that friend...when I start feeling like this, I try to remember who I am losing the weight for. Bottom line, is me and my kids. Sometimes its actually better to be under the radar because you feel less pressured to do well. You can take things slow but sure, the way your body intends it to be. My story somewhat paralells yours as I have a friend who seemingly always gets the guys...she put herself out there...she flirts...she strokes their egos....and she is bigger than me....it has made me feel that there must be something wrong with my looks or maybe I just look really really fat...it makes me want to "win' by becoming much smaller than her...I also feel this is childish and silly. i have had eating disorders in the past, and find myself slipping into restricting again....I am glad you put yourself out there. It's ok to be frustrated. i support you, and I am proud of what you have done. Good luck on your weight loss journey~

Kimbers70 · November 2011

I wrote this post last night, and after reading your story I felt compelled to share it with you:

Choices. While we may feel powerless in certain situations, we always have the choice in how we react. When we are weak we give in, allowing ourselves to feel unworthy. It is in this darkest hour that temptation falls upon us and we surrender. Choose to make a change. Choose to tell yourself you are worthy of all that is good, you are beautiful and loved and nobody can take that from you. Make the choice to rise above that which seeks to pull you under. Choose to laugh in the face of uncertainty knowing that you can and are all that you need. There will never be another you.

Sending friend request now.

jowings · November 2011

I am proud of you! Congratulations, Keep up the Great Work.

Me too! It is a huge step to take and while we all have our bad days, I am sure that it will get easier : ). /hugs

lstnlondry · November 2011

My dear Hhorncastle.....I can identify with your jealousy. I have a best girlfriend who's smaller than me (shortie) and all she has to do is give up carbs & lose 10 pounds & instantly she has a cute little shape. (double Ds & I have an A cup)

What I have learned is you get what you give. What energy you put out, you get back (Thank you Oprah). It is the truth. The minute you are supportive of her and actually believe it, wonderful things will happen for you. As long as you have this envy, you will get negative feedback.

Lastly, please don't let Facebook rule your world. You are a big girl. And PLEASE open your heart to MFP. Surround yourself with the most positive, motivated, POSITIVE people and you will need to look no further. I'm here for you as well.

Oh and uhhh...the groups? I get a kick out of them!! Do you know we have people who call themselves MILFs? And a group with "Not so Fatty" women who are better than us somehow?? Gotta love it!!

CMmrsfloyd · November 2011

I sent you a friend request. :-)

coreymusonda · November 2011

I recently finished a weight loss competition with my friends and initially it was hard for me to emotionally handle everyone else's successes and even failures and comparing myself to them. What truly helped me was to set very specific goals for myself and focus on being accountable to myself only. For example, it was a 10 week competition so my main overall goal was to lose 20lbs, regardless of anyone else. And that meant 10lbs at the halfway point. These short term goals kept me on track, and I've continued to set short term goals and thankfully, achieve them. Focusing on slow steady success and consistency over time rather than immediate fast fix results is key to maintaining any weight I do lose. I've already made up my mind and have committed myself to make this a lifestyle, not a diet, and when that day arrives when I can change my profile to "maintain my weight" I will still continue logging in, whether or not any of my friends are still using MFP at that time.

Good Luck!

stubbysticks · November 2011

I'm proud of you for sharing such personal thoughts with us! I can definitely relate...before coming to MFP I was active on another WL site & befriended a bunch of people who started around the same time I did a yr & a half ago. Several of them lost much quicker than I did & some who started after I did passed me up. Didn't love it. Even so, I knew this was something I absolutely had to do so to a certain extent I had to put blinders on to others' progress. It's ok to do this if it's making you feel bad about yourself. Doesn't make you petty or a bad friend. It just means you're not on completely solid ground with yourself right now & that's ok. No one is 100% of the time.

I kept my head down & stuck to my program & kept learning what I could about nutrition & fitness, & as for most of the folks who passed me up initially, I couldn't tell you where they are right now because they dropped off the face of the earth. And some who haven't have regained their weight & are struggling with starting over. I'm not sitting here gloating over it now, because I'm sympathetic to the struggle. I've lost & regained before too, & it's not fun to have to face that.

I don't think the issue is you not being happy for your friend, I think it's not being happy with where you are. If you were truly ok with where you are & what you're doing to get there, it wouldn't matter as much what other people say or don't say about it. Keep hanging around here & you'll be fine hon.

hhorncastle · November 2011

Thank you all, so, so much. I'm going to bed with happy tears in my eyes. I appreciate hearing from all of you and am so glad to hear that I'm not alone. Thank you for the encouragement, the attagirls, the words of wisdom and the friend requests. It means more than you know. I feel better already. And it didn't even take chocolate to get me there!

I promise, I'm not usually such a mess! :ohwell:

xoxo

Heather

kwest_4_fitness · November 2011

Girl, I am right there with you! I sometimes get that same jealous feeling. A relative of mine decided to start losing weight after I had already lost 40 lbs. All of a sudden, all I hear is "oh, I lost a pound this week" "look at me, I lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks". Really? Go away, please. I mean, she really ruined my Zen for like, a minute.

Then, it just so happened she had a bad week. She didn't eat right, didn't get to work out, etc. Guess who was blown away when she came looking for support? Me. I'm her support. Out of all of the friends she has, all of the "Way to go" comments she gets, I'm the one she came to for support and advice.

Not only was I humbled, but I was touched. I don't have near as many friends as she does (I didn't go to school in this area, but she did) yet I seem to be the one who can offer that word of encouragement or that bit of advice that evidently means much more than I thought. So maybe one of these days, your friend will have a bad spot, and out of all of the people she knows, will come to you for something she can't get anywhere else.

Jessieamoore · November 2011

I see your ticker saying 18 lbs lost. That is AWESOME! I think MFP has a great community of supporters and I'll be happy to be a cheerleader for you

pocketpygmie · November 2011

I totally feel ya.. there are days when I see others with such success I just can't figure out how they do it when I can't seem to.. My favourite is when my naturally skinny boss or sister makes comments like "if you would only try" or " you lie about what you eat" etc.... jealousy is a hard emotion. I learned a long time ago it's a wasted emotion. When I figured that out it freed me from so much! Just know there are others out there who may be jealous of you!

mdbaird76 · November 2011

Like others have said before me, you can’t let it get to you. You have to focus on your goals along with support those on the same journey as you are. I also find it hard sometimes when friend lose weight while hardly doing anything and I and exercising more than live my normal life, but I stay positive and congratulate those working towards their goals as I truly know how hard it can be at times.

I wish you the best, and hope you reach all your goals.
Mike

jasmineheaven · November 2011

If you dont want to ever feel jealous of someone then you have to learn to have how to be more confident, positive and happy about YOURSELF in every way possible. When you have done that then you can purely be happy for people without feeling any kind of negative towards them.

BrunetteRunner87 · November 2011

This sounds mean, but I say the same things about people who got barbaric surgery. I know a few people personally and I should be happy for them that they are healthier but deep down I'm jealous and thinking it's not fair that I worked super hard on my weight and get a couple of pats on the back, while they underwent surgery and got 50 comments! You're not alone, I know that those are childish thoughts too. But I guess all we can do is do our bests.

Johnnyswife · November 2011

Go ahead and be jealous. Tell your friend what you told us, but don't let it derail your efforts. If you want to see what a big deal 18lbs is, than carry around 18lbs of potatoes or butter. That will make you see that your loss is a big deal even if no one else comments on your progress.
Maybe you and your friend can be diet buddies? She's probably going to be discouraged when it starts slowing down for her, and your closer to your goal than she is. She'll need someone who's been there to keep her encouraged.

rain1234 · November 2011

it is gonna be okay dont compare yourself to others that is how you lose your condfidence take care

time2scrap · November 2011

You are not alone. We all go through so many emotions, you're only human. I struggle with my weight so much I always wonder "why me." I look around and it feels like everyone esle just seems to have it together but me! I am new here as of today and I see you have lost 18 pounds......you've already inspired me!

I sent you a friend request

SMarie10 · November 2011

I think Kimbers70 had the best statement about chosing how we react. I often forget that, and it was an excellent reminder.

Gapstander777 · November 2011

I struggle emotionally with my weight loss journey, too. Social networks can be demons when it comes to things like this. It can be a popularity contest. Have you considered joining WW? I, too, have tried them before and had good success! However, economic times are tough and WW can be a little expensive. It is a good program if you can afford to join. The weekly meetings really do help!
I am working on losing 40-50 lbs and I know it is a long road. I have a food addiction and I never feel like working out. I have all the notions of doing these things but when it comes to actually "doing" them, I almost always fall through. I got on here about 9 mo's ago and tried doing this for a couple of weeks. It didn't last long. When I got on here a few days ago, I realized that I was over 10 lbs heavier now than I was back then! Talk about a wake-up call! Ugh! So I have put myself on a 5 day challenge...we will tomorrow what those results are. I know it is one step at a time.
If you are in need of a friend, I would be happy to cheer you on and we can keep each other motivated! Don't give up!
Your MFP friend,
Melissa

Cathleenr · November 2011

I've replied to a couple of posts but this is the first thread I've ever started and I'm finding myself in kind of a vulnerable place today.

Here the thing: A Facebook friend of mine - someone I went to school with and have always looked up to and, I realize now, kind of measured myself against - recently started back on WW and is having wonderful success. She's actually lost more weight than I have, in a shorter period of time. However, she started off at a significantly higher weight than I did and I know on the Biggest Loser, those with the most to lose tend to lose the most at first, while those with proportionally less to lose don't have as dramatic weigh-ins.

Anyway.

I know I should be supporting her and celebrating her successes and really happy for her - and I AM, I swear. But I'm jealous, too. We weigh in on the same day, her through WW, me on my own with MFP, and today was weigh-in day. Her post of FB got 51 likes and about 15 supportive, congratulatory comments. My dad "liked" my post and congratulated me. That's it. Just my dad. That should be enough but it's not. I'm jealous. It's petty and immature and it shouldn't matter. I KNOW that. It shouldn't matter. I'm 38-fricking-years-old. We're not in high school and it shouldn't matter. All that should matter is that I'M proud of myself and know I'm working hard and doing well. My rational mind knows this. But the far less rational rest of me is pouting.

I've actually found the MFP community a little intimidating as a lurker. There are so many threads that say "closed group". The lame, childish part of me that is somehow stuck at 17 sees those posts and thinks "Well, there's another group I can't be part of. A clique that won't include me. People that already have all the friends they need." I suppose that's why I'm putting myself out here today. I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm looking for friends to take this journey with. Like, I'll celebrate your victories and you celebrate mine. And when I'm being a whiny brat, like now .. you .. um.. help me give my head a shake?

everyone has their demons, even the prettiest, slimmest, most popular and happy people.

i learned this when i was a supervisor and i was envious of a peer who was THE most popular supervisor. everyone wanted to be on her team. they came to her house for dinner and gave her glowing feedback. but one day she admitted that she wished she were me, cause she could not confront people. she just gave people their way and felt very ineffective and envied my ability to stand my ground.
or the other supe who everyone came to with their problems. one day she told me she wished she were more like me cause i could think under pressure, write a disciplinary action like hemmingway and no one would argue with my facts or logic.
i learned a lot when i heard how other people wanted to be more like me.....things i couldn't see myself and that don't come up in everyday conversation.
i know i work hard for my body. people don't know my cravings, when i want to cry cause one more squat IS really gonna kill me or when i just want to lay in bed....but i get up and go run anyway. they see me breeze into work, happy, satisfied and done with one more routine.

when i look at people and think about how we measure against each other, i think of what i know about my life and what i know i have, and what i dont know about them.
as roseann roseannadanna used to say....its always something.

jenready · November 2011

Stick with it. There are so many great people on MFP who would love to support and encourage you. I think we have all had a time when we have felt like you are feeling, I know I have. I commend you on putting your feelings out there. It's hard. I sent you a friend request. I love to support and encourage whoever I can.

fkeenan · November 2011

Hi hhorncastle,
I too have experienced feelings of jealousy, I'm sure anyone who isn't happy with themselves does, including people we look at and think "if I could only look/be like them" (even beautiful, skinny people are insecure and wish they could look/be like someone else!). It's only when we're happy with ourselves, inside and out, that we can truly be happy with others' achievements without comparing ourselves to them.
I hope that you're feeling a bit more 'up' now, and it's awesome that you did put yourself out there and were honest with how you were feeling - that's brave! What's more, every time you're feeling like this again, come back and reread what people have said, it may pull you up again.
I've just joined MFP today and I'm now really excited about my weight loss journey. I have read all the posts in this topic and I am BLOWN AWAY by the amount of support and encouragement from everyone. I would love to be your friend and go through this journey together.
Friend added!

hrharris70 · November 2011

I read your post and until then had always been a lurker too. Too afraid to put myself out there for people not to like or support. But what you said I related to so closely that I HAD to reply. I have a relative I used to be close to and now no longer speak to. She apparently has lost quite a bit of weight and looks " fantastic". I heard about this from my monster-in-law who is friends with her. The last time I went to visit she offered me something to eat and I declined telling her I was trying to eat healthy. She said, "Oh, again?" Then laughed. My mother-in-law is probably about 375lbs. That's a big pot calling the kettle black! I don't think my mother-in-law is mean intentionally,she has always been that way to everyone.And yes, I was jealous of my relative's success. I think that is normal and not really something you can control. But rather than discouraging me it actually pissed me off. I have this mindset now like, " Just you wait and see." I started this journey on Sept 20th and I have lost 16 lbs so it seems you lose a bit faster than me. I also would love to have someone to do this with. So from one Heather to another I am sending you a friend request.

Labcoathipster · November 2011

I am proud of you! Congratulations, Keep up the Great Work.

Me too! It is a huge step to take and while we all have our bad days, I am sure that it will get easier : ). /hugs

Add me to the list! You're doing great. There are so many out there that are just settling. You are NOT one of those people.

Sending a friend request to you!

kristinathenina · November 2011

We all love you, are are SO proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jackiebo · November 2011

So, figure your losses out by the %-age of pounds lost. For example, if she would start out at 200 lbs, and you started out at 100, if you'd both lose 10 lbs. the first week, she would've lost 5%, and you would've lost 10%. It's a lot more realistic. Hope this helps..

Struggling Emotionally..

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