Friends who are enablers

michaelynj
michaelynj Posts: 29
edited October 5 in Health and Weight Loss
I don't know if i am the only one with this issue, but lately i have been staying to myself because I have "so called" friends who likes to go out and eat all the time. They know that I am on a weight loss plan and i am trying to lose, but they insisting that the cheese fries at Outback and Chili's are no harm. These are the same people that are trying to lose weight to but not putting effort to do it and I have another friend who is eating the same (Between 2000 and 4000 Calories a day) and is trying to do crash diets to dropped the weight off and ended up in the hospital 2 weeks ago. The only time they call me is when they want to go out and eat. When I call them to go out for a walk or work out a bit, they are nowhere to be found and come up with a million excuses of why they're not exercising. Should i stop associating with them or keep my distance?

Replies

  • jlewis2896
    jlewis2896 Posts: 763 Member
    Just keep your distance, but don't resent them or exclude them.

    Weight loss is a difficult journey and requires the right mindset. You are there, they are not....

    I have a lot of people like this in my life, and I've had to learn to NOT take it as a personal attack against my healthy choices when they want to overindulge.

    Temptation is always going to be around. Good friends are not if you push them away.
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
    Doesn't sound like they are friends that you need right now. As hard as it is to do, during this journey you need people who support you and don't try and sabotage you. If I were you, I would definitely back off spending time with them. It's okay to go out to dinner once in awhile with them - but make healthier choices off the menu. If you think they will harp on you for your choices or berate you for choosing something healthier - then I say -- don't go with them.
  • Jacole18
    Jacole18 Posts: 716 Member
    I think this dilemma is normal. I have become more of a homebody since my weight loss journey began not because of my friends, but because i ALWAYS eat and drink around them with no control. maybe you can talk to your closest friends and ask them to support you? maybe their not thinking about enabling you on purpose. my good friend nikki cooked dinner for me the other night and even modified it because she knew i was "dieting". if they are your real friends, they will help you. good luck!
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,393 Member
    You can still see them. You control what goes in your mouth.


    You'll be meeting new friends if you stay active. Make new friends but keep the old.
  • Fatbuster205
    Fatbuster205 Posts: 333 Member
    They kind of don't sound much like friends - more acquaintances! As I get older I do become more ruthless! Friends support each other, are always honest and are there for you (as you for them) 24-7. In my experience on this journey I have been really lucky because my friends (as in I see them and interact etc in my normal life) have been really supportive and encouraging. I guess you just need to decide how much you need to go along with them. Can you not just say guys NO! Be strong, be yourself and maybe re-evaluate where they are coming from. Maybe you are scaring them because you are achieving what they want to achieve!
  • BGabbart
    BGabbart Posts: 173 Member
    If you don't like being around them than yes stop hanging out. But you can make healthy choices when eating out with them even if they don't. I do it all the time. As far as them not walking with you or working out well apparently they don't want to lose it as bad as you so you may need to find another friend to do this with. I personally liketo work out by myself. You really have to decide how much you liking hanging out with your friends.
  • taso42
    taso42 Posts: 8,980 Member
    Maybe call them up whenever you're due for a little splurge meal. :)
  • michaelynj
    michaelynj Posts: 29
    It is really hard to find someone here who has the same motivation as you trying to better themselves physically and mentally. One of my goals for next year is to try and work out more often and maybe join a local gym. I will try my best to think more positive especially during this time of year.
  • michaelynj
    michaelynj Posts: 29
    Maybe call them up whenever you're due for a little splurge meal. :)

    Yea I should've called them up on Thursday d:laugh:
  • IvoryParchment
    IvoryParchment Posts: 651 Member
    This is a lifestyle change, not a temporary "diet" you're on. You can't just stop associating with other people, and eating together is an important part of life.

    You can try to steer them to restaurants with a more diverse menu, so they can have cheese fries and you can have grilled tuna. A good friend would be willing to meet you half way.

    A lot of people associate significant emotional importance to food. Feeding someone means caring for them, and refusing to eat means you don't accept their affection. You might have to try to get a frank discussion on that going, so at least they are cognizant of their own attitudes.

    And there's always the strategy of contacting the restaurant chain ahead of time for nutritional information (they may tell you over the phone even if they aren't willing to put it in writing on the menu), bringing a diet scale to the restaurant to weight everything and log it before you eat, or bringing plastic containers and putting part of the food away to take home BEFORE you start eating. Whatever you do, it will be your strategy to deal with restaurants lifelong, and it will permit you to continue to participate in these group outings as you embark on your new lifestyle.
  • Curvy1taliana
    Curvy1taliana Posts: 371 Member
    Go out with them, but make healthy choices.
    Outback is one of my favorite places that I can control what I am eating and feel good when I leave.
    Check out their under 500 cal menu.
    I always get the 6oz sirloin with broccoli or asparagus with NO butter NO oil - sometimes I will even get the Joey Sirloin - which is 5 ounces) with same sides (and 3 dollars cheaper).
    I fill up on soda water with lemon and eat none of the bread or apps.
    It's easy - you have to learn these tools if you want to succeed in this journey. With a little research and planning, you CAN do it!
  • mizjohnston
    mizjohnston Posts: 196 Member
    Just keep your distance if you know that you will go and it will only harm you. Sometimes its hard for me to just have a little bit so I just don't go. My friends are the same way. They are not ready to lose and you are its your health that you need to worry about. :)
  • julie204
    julie204 Posts: 130
    i say drop them they are not helping you me and my friend text to see how we got on that day we would ring each other to meet for a walk or swim or bike ride and she would push me to do it dont let them sabatarge yourdiet you get on and do it take yourself walking /swimming down the gym if you still want to be friends with them and eat out you make healthy choices not what they tell you they will see you loose the weight and follow your lead same with exercise too you go girl and dont let them bring you down :smile:
  • michaelynj
    michaelynj Posts: 29
    I think this dilemma is normal. I have become more of a homebody since my weight loss journey began not because of my friends, but because i ALWAYS eat and drink around them with no control. maybe you can talk to your closest friends and ask them to support you? maybe their not thinking about enabling you on purpose. my good friend nikki cooked dinner for me the other night and even modified it because she knew i was "dieting". if they are your real friends, they will help you. good luck!

    I remember the times where I used to eat $60 dollars worth of food chili's and buy a half sheet of cake just because and I realize that my health was getting bad. I had problems sleeping, I had my gall bladder removed 2 years ago, and problems walking and I always hear them talk about their health problems. One was recently diagnosed with Diabetes and still eating the same. I don't want to my life cut off short over something that is easily preventable.
  • vzucco
    vzucco Posts: 229
    I think everyone who is honestly doing their best to lose weight has the same issue! People want to say that cheese fries are okay because they need to convince themselves that they are.

    I am not going to drop my friends because they're not on the same path to weight loss but I'm just not going to hear whatever negative thing they have to say. When they make comments, I just nod my head and keep doing what I know is right. If we're going out to eat, I'll get something healthy, if they're cooking, I'll bring my own food!

    And remember that it's not that they want to see you fail, it's that if you succeed it'll only call attention to their failures. Who knows, maybe you'll inspire them!
  • michaelynj
    michaelynj Posts: 29

    A lot of people associate significant emotional importance to food. Feeding someone means caring for them, and refusing to eat means you don't accept their affection. You might have to try to get a frank discussion on that going, so at least they are cognizant of their own attitudes.

    I never thought of food as emotional importance and in a sense I see why they call it comfort food
  • GINAvsGINA
    GINAvsGINA Posts: 270 Member
    I agree this is not uncommon. I turn down friends all the time who try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go out to eat with them. They even go as far as saying well you can get a salad or they have a low cal menu. I'm sure that most of us on here know better than that and know that the best way to not fall back into bad habits is to not sit yourself in the middle of temptation. I say keep you distance if they really care about you they'll try to follow you lead.
  • GINAvsGINA
    GINAvsGINA Posts: 270 Member
    I agree this is not uncommon. I turn down friends all the time who try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go out to eat with them. They even go as far as saying well you can get a salad or they have a low cal menu. I'm sure that most of us on here know better than that and know that the best way to not fall back into bad habits is to not sit yourself in the middle of temptation. I say keep you distance if they really care about you they'll try to follow you lead.
  • tangiesharp
    tangiesharp Posts: 315 Member
    You are not alone. Unfortunately, your friends do not understand your commitment to your health. But don't let them get you down. I know it will be hard, but you can continue on your journey without their assistance if they are not available to you.

    May I make one suggestion? If you go out with them again, check out the nutritional value of your meal before you go. That way you can make educated decisions and still have a good time.

    Good luck!!
  • stevwil41
    stevwil41 Posts: 608 Member
    Sounds like your friends could be more supportive but ultimately what you eat is your choice. If you look at this as a permanant lifestyle change then you are going to have to learn how to control yourself in restaraunts no matter who you're with. I have friends who I eat out with on a regular basis and sometimes I make good choices and sometimes I don't but if I eat something I really shouldn't, it's not because they've held me down and force fed it to me, it's because I want to. Cutting friends out of your life because they're not at the same place you are isn't something that I want to do. I don't think that'd make me a very good friend either. Good luck with whatever choice you make.
  • sharrison1969
    sharrison1969 Posts: 11
    I totally understand having friends that are enablers. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. I feel lucky that I have supportive friends, but in the past that was not always the case. I had friends who would eat and drink themselves to death. I know it is hard, but don't cut them out of your life. Try to remain motivated and when they want to go out to eat, maybe you can be the one who makes healthier and smarter choices. Hopefully you can motivate them to change their bad habits. Good luck to you. :smile:
  • jplucheck
    jplucheck Posts: 275 Member
    When I call them to go out for a walk or work out a bit, they are nowhere to be found and come up with a million excuses of why they're not exercising. Should i stop associating with them or keep my distance?

    These "so called" were your friends when you had that type of lifestyle, now you're growing and changing the way you live which doesn't mean they were never your friends just means you don't have much in common anymore. You will soon meet new people that share your interests.
  • dreaasha
    dreaasha Posts: 31
    Oh, yes. Since I've had to drop quite a bit of weight, I've literally had to rearrange my priorities. I go out to eat very rarely, I've emptied the house of any junk/snack food. I have issues with eating at night, eating anything I can, so that's why I did that.

    Just have to look at your priorities, how much you can handle. Maybe talk to your friends about doing other things, or just quit going out to eat with them. It's really hard to lose when you have a lifestyle that literally revolves around food. Like most of our lives are, here in America, anyways.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories