What would you do?

mleoni092708
mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
edited October 5 in Chit-Chat
I'll try to keep this as short as possible-looking for some advice. My Mom has been really the only parent in mine and my husband's lives in the last 10 years. His father died long ago and his mother just recently died of cancer after a long estrangement of 14 years. They hadn't spoken (she took off and left him as a young teenager) and we managed to go to see her in FL (we are in PA) at the last minute so he could make peace and say goodbye. We literally picked up and left overnight to try to make it in time to see her. The trip cost us around $1500, which we had to charge to a credit card. We can pay it off over the next few months. I felt like if this gave my husband peace and closure, it was totally worth it.

We came home and my Mom was asking me how much the trip cost so I told her. I told her the same as above-had to charge it but totally worth it. Over the holiday, she gave my husband a bank check for $1500 to pay for the trip. She said she was very proud of him and how he handled the situation and did right by his mother (we decided to pay for her cremation and take her remains so they wouldn't be destroyed).

I am very conflicted about accepting her money. She works really hard for it and isn't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know why she gave us the money. I don't EVER talk about needing money and if I did, I'd find a way somehow. She's just such a wonderful person, I think she wanted to reward my husband for being such a good person about the whole thing, since he never had good parents to support him.

Would you accept the money? I keep telling myself as she gets older (she's 59) that I will be able to pay her back for all her love and kindness by taking excellent care of her. Of course I would've anyway, but this somehow helps me feel a smidge less guilty I guess.

Replies

  • gsager
    gsager Posts: 977 Member
    Of course you should accept it, its a gift.
  • rolliepollie087
    rolliepollie087 Posts: 251 Member
    I think I would accept it, because if I were in her shoes and I was trying to give a gift like that, I would hope my recipient would be appreciative and want to accept it. =)
    And then buy her a REALLY nice Christmas gift :D
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
    I think it's a wonderful thing of her to do and she wanted to do it. You didn't ask. She inquired. Take the money and pay the bill right off so you don't pay the interest. Then chalk it up to having a wonderful caring Mom. Just add it to the list of awesome, thoughtful, and wonderful things she's done for you.

    It's great to have a Mom like that. Cherish it!
  • Bellydance
    Bellydance Posts: 105 Member
    I'm a mom. Keep it. If she feels that strongly about rewarding yours (and your husband's) good behavior, then keep it. She'll feel good about it. You can pay her back in other ways, and I'm sure you already have with your kind thoughts and feelings toward her.
  • Munque
    Munque Posts: 123
    I think if you don't feel comfortable taking the money then don't, personally I know that if my parents were to give me any amount of money with the message of "I'm proud of you" attached to it, and I refused it, it would hurt their feelings greatly. So you have to consider your mom and how she would react to you giving it back. If you don't think she would react well, then you can always save the money to repay her for her kindness, like using it to do something as a family, take her on a vacation, that way you both get use out of it and nobody gets their feelings hurt.
  • deb968
    deb968 Posts: 144 Member
    That is a tough one. I think she is just so proud of what he did ( I am sure he has spoke about his mom in the past and how bad it was). This in itself is making your mom feel closer to him and that he has received the closure that we all need from life when our loved ones( I use that term Lighly) pass. Ask her why she felt the need to give it to you. Explain that you are greatful but that you have it covered. If she insists just thank her and move on!

    Deb
  • lindalee0315
    lindalee0315 Posts: 527 Member
    Wow, what a nice thing to do. I would accept it as the gift it was intended to be. It was a sincere gesture on her part to show her approval of the sacrifice that your family made and a heartfelt way of saying "I think this was the right thing to do, and I'm proud of you for doing it." Be sure to send her a genuine thank you note expressing your gratitude. If, however, you think she can't really afford it, you can always redeposit it into her bank account.
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
    I would accept it, if I made a gesture like that for someone and they refused it, I would find a little hard to not be upset by it. She wants to help, let her. I doubt that if she couldn't afford it, or needed the money herself for bills or something, she would not have offered it to you. You might make her feel like you don't trust her decision of what she can or can't afford....
  • embersfallen
    embersfallen Posts: 534 Member
    Wow....what a beautiful gesture on her part... !!!!

    That would be hard.... is she the kind of person that would be hurt if you returned the money? You could do a few things... offer to give her half back...and see if she would take it...Or put it aside, without her knowing...and see how she is faring for things she needs... if you see she stretched herself too thin to do this, you could do things like *buy* her groceries, or * gift* her clothing etc... or say, *hey mom, let me take care of your cable and utilities this month*!

    Things that she would not really see that you are in effect paying her back, but would help you to perhaps feel better about her generosity...?
  • kyrstensmom
    kyrstensmom Posts: 297 Member
    Yes, you keep the money, and you pay off the trip. If she couldn't afford to do it, she wouldn't, so be gracious and appreciate what she is doing. If you don't keep it, she might feel badly and you really don't want that.
  • rosebarnalice
    rosebarnalice Posts: 3,488 Member
    Accept it in the way that it was intended--a loving gift and I way to say, "you did a good thing."
  • NiciS72
    NiciS72 Posts: 1,043 Member
    FYI you have a great Mom and husband. This story really made tears come to my eyes! I would say keep the money as long as you know it's not going to cause your mother to go without or not pay some bills. If you're not sure kindly ask her and make sure she's not sacrificing her needs to give you the $$. My gut is telling me that she had a little saved somewhere and felt she could do this for you.

    Peace & Blessings to you all!
  • fit4everyoung
    fit4everyoung Posts: 395
    Wow! Amazing touching story. From my experience of not having any parents to care for me at a young age. I feel very strong that I would not accept anyone's money due to my strong will and my values I carry for myself. I worked hard in having a career and as a professional. As a parent, I try to give my son what he needs as a 13 yo and I weigh the WANTS. You would need to think about whether you want to pay her back or not and your values you enlist on yourself. Also, the relationship you have with your mother.

    Hope this helps!

    Rosie
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
    Thank you everyone for your responses. I told my husband we need to give her a thank you card with a very heartfelt message of thanks and what she means to us. Doesn't even scratch the surface of the thank you she deserves but I think she will appreciate it. I hope I can be as great a mom to my little one as she has been to me. It's a tall order!
  • shellyc7182
    shellyc7182 Posts: 261 Member
    What a generous and loving mom you have. If it were me, I would pay down the charge to the credit card with my own money as planned, and put her money in a savings account for a rainy day when mom might need the extra help.

    What does the hubby think?
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    You have a wonderful mother :) How sweet :)
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
    She is your mom and she loves you guys. Take her gift. Maybe you guys can take her out for a nice dinner as a thank you!
  • mamaturner
    mamaturner Posts: 2,447 Member
    I think I would accept it, because if I were in her shoes and I was trying to give a gift like that, I would hope my recipient would be appreciative and want to accept it. =)
    And then buy her a REALLY nice Christmas gift :D

    I agree- get her something she's always wanted or that shows how much it means to you and your husband that she did that.
  • cravejourney
    cravejourney Posts: 13
    I've always struggled with accepting money as gifts, but sometimes you really do need to see it as a blessing instead. My husband's mother constantly sends us money to help us out (without us asking) and I was very uneasy about it and didn't know how to respond... but I am sure a lot of thought went into it before giving you the money - so it's not like she reluctantly gave it.
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
    What a generous and loving mom you have. If it were me, I would pay down the charge to the credit card with my own money as planned, and put her money in a savings account for a rainy day when mom might need the extra help.

    What does the hubby think?

    He's a little bit "deer in headlights" about the whole thing. He's looking to me to determine whether it's ok to accept it or not. He's not used to anyone being so giving to him (other than my mom in the past years). He doesn't really know how to act or what to say. When she told him how proud she was of him, it made him actually break down and cry. I don't think she would've given it to us if she truly couldn't afford it. But I will be keeping an eye on things as much as possible just in case.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    I would say accept it. It was a gift to your husband from his only real parent. There are always opportunities to repay such loving generosities. If you don't want to accept the gift and instead look at it as an interest free loan loan you can always set the money aside over the next few months and pay her back.
  • PeaceLuvVeggies
    PeaceLuvVeggies Posts: 375 Member
    FYI you have a great Mom and husband. This story really made tears come to my eyes! I would say keep the money as long as you know it's not going to cause your mother to go without or not pay some bills. If you're not sure kindly ask her and make sure she's not sacrificing her needs to give you the $$. My gut is telling me that she had a little saved somewhere and felt she could do this for you.

    Peace & Blessings to you all!

    ^^ This from beginning to end :)
  • messyinthekitchen
    messyinthekitchen Posts: 662 Member
    Yes of course you should accept it. I have the same mind set as you. But that's quite a bit of money and she wouldn't have given it to you if she couldn't and without thinking about it. That's so very kind of her!!
  • Mom2rh
    Mom2rh Posts: 612 Member
    I agree that you should accept it in the spirit it is given...and realize that it means a lot to her to bless you with this gift. Your husband's gesture to his mother speaks volumes about his character...and YOUR mother obviously thinks a lot of him and his actions.

    I would pay off your trip yet act like you didn't...and the money you would have diverted to paying off the credit cards, put into savings.
  • Freshstart07
    Freshstart07 Posts: 12 Member
    I think you pretty much have to keep the money. Obviously to her it was something she really really wanted to do and probably gives her that feeling of pride that she was able to do it. What I would do is as you say be ready when she needs you. Make an effort to save that much money or more for a rainy day account for your mom.
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