Oy! Some people!

rml_16
rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
edited October 2024 in Chit-Chat
I met and became friends with this girl, K, about a year ago. Within a week of meeting her, she was telling me about how she wanted to find a group to walk and hike with who weren't too physical because she's very overweight and out of shape and her husband is older, so they have trouble keeping up.

Since then, about three times total, I have invited her to go for walks with me and a few others. I'm a lot more fit than she is, but more than happy to tone it down to her level if she wanted to go. She's turned me down every time, and the third (THIRD IN A YEAR) I got a message on FB from her telling me how I was being pushy and she didn't like it and I better stop asking her. Then she deleted my comment on her page where I'd invited her to go.

So, in that same time, she has told me she feels sorry for me because I want to lose weight and be in shape, that it was sad that my identity is so wrapped up in my appearance (not the case, really, but whatever). Then she kept posting all these links to blogs about fat acceptance and how great it was to be overweight and how healthy it was to be overweight, etc., etc.

Then she posted about seeing a nutritionist to change her diet because of her bad moods.

And, finally, today she posts that she's going on a liquid fast to lose the weight.

This is a friendship that (for many reasons) I would kind of like to just walk away from, but we have mutual friends and it would cause drama. *sigh*
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Replies

  • Jeff92se
    Jeff92se Posts: 3,369 Member
    Just leave her alone and stop asking her. You don't need someone like that in you life.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I did stop asking her. It's just the point that three times in a year, to her, was "too much pressure."

    It was weird. Like she developed a whole second personality. I've barely had any contact with her since that happened, but we're still FB friends, so I see her updates.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Dude, I'd remove or hide what you can from FB, or punch a ho. Up to you, really :)
  • chelekaz
    chelekaz Posts: 847 Member
    Oy is right.

    Bottom line some people don't want to be helped. It's the "Poor-me" drama part of their personality where they get energy from people by complaining but really don't want to do anything about it. Most of us have that drama at points in our lives but she was out of line with her response to you!

    I would quietly just stay in the background ... keep the mutual friends but try to limit the outtings that include her.

    Good luck....

    PS - I have plenty of these friends / family in my life. I used to be ONE of them... not anymore.
  • tkn11
    tkn11 Posts: 276 Member
    She has a LOT of issues.
  • GinNouveau
    GinNouveau Posts: 143 Member
    I don't really see a need for you to be proactive with someone who

    A) Doesn't want your help for whatever reason

    B) You don't really feel like you want to be friends with.

    So what do you do?
    Nothing. She doesn't feel pressured (realistic or not) and you don't waste any more energy.

    So what's the problem again? :)
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
    Is this my SIL? LOL
  • Jeff92se
    Jeff92se Posts: 3,369 Member
    They want to be fit but don't want to work for it.
  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 616 Member
    "punch a ho"

    *high five* now that made me chuckle :)
  • ckmama
    ckmama Posts: 1,668 Member
    you can block her feed from your fb and that way you don't see her stuff anymore and then block what you post from her if you don't want to out right delete her.

    that is the bad thing about FB, years ago friendships ended for good and bad reasons, people just went their own way. Now people NEVER lose touch with each other. Sometimes that's a bad thing.
  • ckmama
    ckmama Posts: 1,668 Member
    I did stop asking her. It's just the point that three times in a year, to her, was "too much pressure."

    It was weird. Like she developed a whole second personality. I've barely had any contact with her since that happened, but we're still FB friends, so I see her updates.

    She might have another personality?
  • abrown4348
    abrown4348 Posts: 34 Member
    Dude, I'd remove or hide what you can from FB, or punch a ho. Up to you, really :)

    That is hilarious! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • jeffpettis
    jeffpettis Posts: 865 Member
    If fat people are so healthy, ask her how many "old" fat people she has ever seen? That's right fat people don't make it that long. Sounds like she has some deeper issues, you can't help her unless she wants to help herself.
  • Mustangsally1000
    Mustangsally1000 Posts: 854 Member
    Oy! is right! :tongue: I would just "hide" her on facebook. She won't know..won't have to deal with the high drama if you de-friended her. :noway: And~~~~~ you can excape the rest of her drama.
    You so don't need her.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I partly don't hide her because -- as awful as this is -- it's kind of entertaining.

    The thing is, when I met her, she seemed like this fun, funny, interesting, extremely nice person and she overnight turned into Satan.

    Oh, and I almost forgot. A friend of mine, S, works part time in a grocery store and K and her husband were in there a couple weekends ago and went through her line. S was counting some money and didn't look up right away and K didn't realize who she was and I guess got REALLY nasty with S because she didn't look up right away. Soon as K saw who it was, she turned all sugar. I never would have thought she'd behave that way, but I guess my judgment was way off on this one.

    But still ... entertainment.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    Now, see, here's where I believe you showed great restraint. I, on the other hand, would have said something like ...

    "Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed when you shared with me last year you were interested in finding a group to walk with, you were serious. Really, I had no idea you were just kidding. I apologize. Next time can you give me a signal or something when you make a comment so I'll know if you're genuinely interested in **insert event** or whether you're just blowing smoke again?"
  • jeffpettis
    jeffpettis Posts: 865 Member
    Dude, I'd remove or hide what you can from FB, or punch a ho. Up to you, really :)

    LOL!!! I love it!!!!!
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Everyone needs that crazy person in their feed. But don't go out of your way to be her friend.
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
    I have no tolerance for such nonsense. Some friendships aren't meant to last a lifetime.
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    I had just started typing something helpful, from an extremely obese person's POV, then you had to go and say this:
    "I partly don't hide her because -- as awful as this is -- it's kind of entertaining. "

    Maybe THAT is why she doesn't particularly want to go with YOU. maybe she can sense it. I have a friend, someone I have known since high school and I can absolutely tell she pities me. She is very sweet to my face, but it's a feeling and sense I get, and I always turn her down when she asks about working out together. I go alone, or with other people, but not her.
  • beckyinma
    beckyinma Posts: 1,433 Member
    I wouldn't outright dump her from your life, I understand you need to keep distance and that's totally acceptable, but if you want to help her, eventually she will look for it, once she realizes that being fat is unhealthy, and that she's delusional. For now, just be polite when you're with mutual friends, and leave it at that. It sounds like she's being the pushy one now, you have every right to step back.. And yes, I have people on my fb list for the sheer entertainment value, as well as a few that I keep an eye on, but they can't see my content... it's just better for everyone that way... ;)
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
    I partly don't hide her because -- as awful as this is -- it's kind of entertaining.

    The thing is, when I met her, she seemed like this fun, funny, interesting, extremely nice person and she overnight turned into Satan.

    Oh, and I almost forgot. A friend of mine, S, works part time in a grocery store and K and her husband were in there a couple weekends ago and went through her line. S was counting some money and didn't look up right away and K didn't realize who she was and I guess got REALLY nasty with S because she didn't look up right away. Soon as K saw who it was, she turned all sugar. I never would have thought she'd behave that way, but I guess my judgment was way off on this one.

    But still ... entertainment.

    Are you sure this isn't my SIL? LOL... She has that kind of personality. I did block her, but out of morbid curiosity would spy on her page from time to time, but she repeatedly posted passive agressive BS aimed otwards me. It hurt so bad I ended up deleting her and my brother. Some people just don't know how to be truly decent human beings. The two-facedness is a sickness!
  • cbu23
    cbu23 Posts: 280 Member
    Dude, I'd remove or hide what you can from FB, or punch a ho. Up to you, really :)

    I also vote for the punch a ho option! Lmao!!! :laugh:
  • MollyDukes
    MollyDukes Posts: 233 Member
    I recently met someone similar, however it wasn't about being over weight, it was other life issues.
    No matter what advice I gave her, she just wouldn't accept it.
    The more I tried to help, the bigger HER STORY became.
    The bigger the story became, I just realized she is someone looking for attention and willing to do anything and say anything to get attention. She even stated...she loves gettting attention.
    Slowely I backed away. Unfortunately, after her very disturbing story, I have to see her at work which leaves me having to be nice to her. I will acknowledge her but when it comes to helping this person, forget it. She wants attention, join the circus for crying out loud.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I had just started typing something helpful, from an extremely obese person's POV, then you had to go and say this:
    "I partly don't hide her because -- as awful as this is -- it's kind of entertaining. "

    Maybe THAT is why she doesn't particularly want to go with YOU. maybe she can sense it. I have a friend, someone I have known since high school and I can absolutely tell she pities me. She is very sweet to my face, but it's a feeling and sense I get, and I always turn her down when she asks about working out together. I go alone, or with other people, but not her.
    I don't pity her and the entertainment factor isn't about her weight. It's about her attitude. Fat, skinny or in-between, she's turned out to be a pretty awful human being. She's NEVER gone with me.

    And I invited her because she expressed interest, not because I thought she needed to go.
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    Ok, I can't get this out of my head so I'm back.

    I understand why you might think she is a bit off. But let me just share part of MY life. I AM extremely obese, especially if you use that stupid BMI chart. I'm working on it, and have finally turned a corner, but I that whole first post could have been about me. (well, not the Fat Acceptance part, but the rest)

    I have started and stopped more times in my life than I can ever count. I have admired people and wished I could be like them, and then hated them in the same thought/breath for being what I couldn't be. I have friends that I wanted to work out with, but then when it came down to it I was just too d@mn embarrassed. Doesn't matter that she said she would "take it easy/slow" with/for me. That actually made it worse. The one friend I'm thinking of has pity in her eyes when we have worked out together. It's demoralizing, even if on the surface she is being supportive. And maybe I am reading into it, but doesn't make it hurt any less.

    This road is so hard. And yes, some of us turn into completely lunatics during it. I'm not necessarily saying that is your friend's issue, but I am saying that unless you have been exactly where she is, it's difficult to understand how her mind works.

    And now I need a tissue.
  • bethdris
    bethdris Posts: 1,090 Member
    Sounds like she has a lot of issues, that she needs to deal with..I'd lay low. She needs to work out her own problems and drag others down!!

    Yes, and imj sure her dr said a liquid diet is the way to go...*sigh*
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Ok, I can't get this out of my head so I'm back.

    I understand why you might think she is a bit off. But let me just share part of MY life. I AM extremely obese, especially if you use that stupid BMI chart. I'm working on it, and have finally turned a corner, but I that whole first post could have been about me. (well, not the Fat Acceptance part, but the rest)

    I have started and stopped more times in my life than I can ever count. I have admired people and wished I could be like them, and then hated them in the same thought/breath for being what I couldn't be. I have friends that I wanted to work out with, but then when it came down to it I was just too d@mn embarrassed. Doesn't matter that she said she would "take it easy/slow" with/for me. That actually made it worse. The one friend I'm thinking of has pity in her eyes when we have worked out together. It's demoralizing, even if on the surface she is being supportive. And maybe I am reading into it, but doesn't make it hurt any less.

    This road is so hard. And yes, some of us turn into completely lunatics during it. I'm not necessarily saying that is your friend's issue, but I am saying that unless you have been exactly where she is, it's difficult to understand how her mind works.

    And now I need a tissue.

    Susie, I'm really sorry that you took this the way you did. Honestly, my frustrations with her go way beyond the weight issue. I never actually TOLD her I'd go slow "for her." I've just simply invited her, as a purely social experience, to come for a walk with her friends. She ASKED me to do that, then reamed me for it.

    I also don't appreciate being told what a sad thing it is that I try to stay in shape only to see that same person talking about crazy, dangerous diets in order to lose the weight she's supposedly so happy with. It was like she was somehow superior to me because she was happy with her body, no matter what.

    Honestly, she's a beautiful woman, no matter her weight. She dresses very flatteringly, she's got a great husband -- a lot of things going for her. But over the last six months or so, she's turned into one of the most nasty people I've ever met and I've never done anything but be nice to her. I've reached out in other ways, including inviting her and her husband to my home on more than one occassion just to hang out. When she was upset about her mother being ill a while back. I brought her a funny movie, cake and a shoulder to cry on. I've been a good friend to her. She's the one who's turned into a crazy person.

    I have a wide variety of friends and I just don't have room in my life for someone so high maintenance that being invited on a leisurely walk with friends is grounds for a meltdown without apology. We all have our moments, but the key is when *I* have a moment, I will go back and apologize if it's warranted.
  • fitaliciag
    fitaliciag Posts: 373
    I am totally against keeping "friends" involved in my life that clearly do not want to be. You can stay civil with her....but you don't have to be a "friend" in that way. Just stop asking her to do anything. She obvioulsy doesn't want to. HOWEVER......he jabs at you and your desire to be fit are uncalled for. And for that alone, I would just stop associating with her.
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    I had a couple people remind me that this is not about me. :noway:

    So I'm sorry I went all Debbie Downer on everyone. I was trying to point out that she could be intimidated by you, and that is why she refuses your offers. But the other things, esp the rude comments to you, are totally uncalled for. Even in my most jealous moments of my beautiful friends I keep the jealous thoughts in my head. :smile: It's sad that she can't just be happy for you and turn that jealousy into motivation for herself.

    In the end if you feel like you have given it your best shot (which I think you have), then you have to walk away and let her find her way. Maybe she will eventually see that you were truly trying to help.

    :flowerforyou:
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