What do you do...?

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nadiambe13
nadiambe13 Posts: 25
in Motivation and Support
...about unsupportive family members? I'm living with mine still, and for as long as I've dealt with weight, I've dealt with their mixed support. From them being super obsessive, hypocritical food police (when I was younger) to teasing, to questioning my choices and belittling them. I'm sick of weight being the defining issue in my relationship with my mom. I'm sick of offhand comments from my dad. I'm just tired of all of this.

And all of this relates to my continued success. Because I got down to my lowest adult weight last fall, I know the changes I need to make, and I know I can be successful...I just can't seem to make the changes stick. Last year I had support in the form of a running buddy, and I felt confident in what I was doing. Then, after an injury, and the bad influence of my family, I couldn't sustain the changes I had made. Their comments and things they say just wear away at me! And now, a year later, and after having recently gained 10 lbs in the last 6 weeks because of an extremely stressful situation regarding an illness of a family member, and subsequently playing caretaker while balancing my work and school responsibilities, I am so desperately wanting to get back on track. But I have zero support. Instead I get lectures about bariatric surgery and how I clearly am not capable of making changes - way to kick someone when they're already down!

The questioning of my intentions, and my capability are perhaps the most damaging. Because I feel like they don't believe in me. And when I'm doing well, they still question me, and belittle me, and poke fun at the changes I make (teasing me about using a scale to portion out food, complain about me choosing not to butter my veggies or preparing brown rice - I never expected them to eat what I eat, and would sometimes make a version for them and a healthier version for myself, etc) I can't afford for my motivation to dwindle because of them. I can't afford to keep fighting my weight and fighting them, because the only person who is losing the battle is me. I'm distressed and distraught and frustrated. I need support. True and genuine support, especially in times that I'm down and struggling. I don't know what to do.

Replies

  • hewwokitty
    hewwokitty Posts: 69 Member
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    Truely, this makes me feel really bad.
    My family is that way, in everything, and by the sounds of it yours probably is too if they don't even want to support a healthy lifestyle. The only thing that ever relieves it the slighest bit, in one ear and out the other. While my family taunts and teases, I wonder what they'll have to say in 10 years when I'm running a marathon they watch on TV. When someday your healthy lifestyle will save your life.
    Number one cause of putting someone down: Jealousy. Don't let anyone else's laziness take your hard work downhill. EVER. Just remind yourself of what your doing, and how much you're putting into this. It's worth it, and you know it, so keep it up!

    My fiance is the only one who's supported me in anything my whole life. I don't have any reliable, supportive friends. If you need one, feel free to add me.
  • geekymom57
    geekymom57 Posts: 176 Member
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    There's no simple answer, but the precept I always tried to get my daughters to learn/respond is that the only thing they could control is how they reacted to something that someone else did. So maybe in your family, there's someone--whether it's you or the rest of the family--that's getting "something" good, bad or indifferent from the behaviors you are describing. Are any of them overweight or struggling with something such as an addiction? If so, seeing you making the effort and having success may feel threatening to them.

    Are there are any local support groups, e.g., an Overeaters Anonymous, where you could get support for the emotional aspects of the struggle?

    The only other thing I'll say is that you need to do this for yourself and not expect or need support, encouragement, recognition--anything from your family or others. I've struggled with my weight since junior high and now--at 54--is the first time that I've really recognized that I just need to do this for me. It's great when others notice my weight loss but the incentive for sticking with a long, frustrating, slow process is that I want to be in better shape and increase my odds of living a long, active life.

    Don't give up and let them bring you down!
  • Mamasika
    Mamasika Posts: 1 Member
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    Hang in there!
    As I read it you are just 10 pounds over your lowest adult weight - that is something to celebrate, despite the setback. Your family has cast you in a role (unsuccessful, overweight, unable to care for yourself) that you no longer want to play. Do not let them define you.
    They are the weak ones - needing to belittle you for succeeding. They are no different from school bullies.
    Make a list for yourself of why you want to do this and tuck it in your purse when you are with them. Sneak away and read it as much as necessary while you are with them. Don't react to them - it just adds more fuel.
    Can you get another weight loss buddy who will cheer you on?
    Good luck
    you are not alone - stay strong - you can do it
  • johnallen12
    johnallen12 Posts: 46 Member
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    I'm sorry for the bad treatment and lack of support you're getting from those closest to you. The only advice I can think of is to remember, constantly, that you are doing this for yourself-- not for them. The way I look at any long term goal, no matter the type, is that the future always comes, so where do I want to be when it arrives. For example, in one year I'm going to be one year older no matter what. I need to take actions today so that I can reach my goals and see where I am at the end of that year. I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else. Good luck and very best wishes.
  • Spearo
    Spearo Posts: 47
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    You cannot change others; you know how hard it is to change yourself! You are not responsible for others' healing or levels of awareness.
    The only person you are responsible for, ultimately (barring any kids you have) is YOU. A good way to see this simple truth might be to visualize yourself at a time when you were really young... we all have an image of that. Show her your life so far, good and bad, and promise to take care of her, forever. Because that's what she needs.

    You obviously know what you need to do, you just might need some emotional and cognitive support to get you to the point where you have no choice but to take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Look into getting a good counsellor or support group as already mentioned.
    You are surrounded by toxic energy so be responsible and get some positive energy around you to balance and outweigh it. Work out your mind and spirit as much as your body: they are all equally important and the weakest link in the chain needs work; for all of us constanly seeking balance.

    All my op.

    Cheers and take care of yourself,
    Erik.
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
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    Erik, what wonderful wise words. That imagine of nurturing and loving the younger version of yourself is such a powerful message, I have often thought about that myself.

    When I read a story like yours it reminds me that having no support (i.e. me), is sometimes better than this type of negative feedback from your family. You obviously have come up with some very good skills at deflecting those things because you have been so successful, but when we are going through difficult times, defences can sometimes come down.

    Your lifestyle changes are permanent, you could just decide to agree with everything they say and act the eccentric stand out in the family. You are your own destiny and making it against the odds is courage, which you obviously have in spades. I find exercise/wellness peers elsewhere, i.e. at the gym, walking partner, my biking friends, and here. Choosing who you share it with will be important to your success, but maybe you need some short-term counselling to get you through the rough patch?

    *hugs*

    GG
  • maserati185
    maserati185 Posts: 263 Member
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    First... 35 lbs. lost?! Fan-freakin-tastic! You're doing great!

    Second... You're taking back your life. YOU are in control now - not others. Don't let them have so much control over you as to give up at their 2 cent talk. Set a boundary with them. In whatever way you need to, let them know that when they say something about your weight loss and food, if it isn't positive, you aren't hanging around to hear it. And follow through with that. It's not easy if you're not used to doing this, but it gets easier. Eventually, they'll get the picture.

    Prepare that skinless chicken, brown rice and steamed vegetables and eat it with pride! As you get healthier and fit, sure, you'll get a bunch of naysaying (mainly from those who are insecure about themselves), but eventually, somebody is going to come around and start doing what you did... or want to know how you did it. Stick with your MFP friends for support, share with them your struggles and keep pushing forward... you're goals are not that far away!
  • nadiambe13
    nadiambe13 Posts: 25
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    Thank you, all of you, for your words of support and encouragement! I needed to read all of that.

    The recommendations about finding other healthy-living peers and counseling and support groups were good ideas.

    Visualizing little me, and giving her what she deserves was a really nice thought!

    And so many of you reminded me to remind myself that this is about me, and my future, and my well being, no matter what the naysayers may say.

    Thank you, you guys! <3

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