Eating Disorders.. my story

Hey guys,

Well I have been on this site for a couple months now and it has been the most amazing thing in my life. Thank you EVERYONE for all of the ongoing support..

Today, I read a post written by a beautiful 19 year old girl reaching out for help, so I thought this may be a good chance to share my story and hopefully encourage someone else.

This isn't something I ever talk about, so thanks for baring with me if I ramble.. lol

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 13, although I had the symptoms far before then. It was never about losing weight, always just wanted to prove that I was good enough and I guess in a way, a cry for help because emotionally I was such a mess. My parents were divorced, mom worked 2- sometimes 3 jobs. I basically ran the house at that point.. cleaned, cooked, helped myself with homework and was also her emotional rock starting ever since I was 9. We were always really close, but I always felt like I had to be perfect, or else she would be hurt.. So I would go hours and sometimes days without eating, because I was scared of gaining weight and losing my "perfect" body.

In high school, I was a 4.0 student, ASB vice pres, student rep, gymnastic captain and basically a part of every other activity I could think of.. all because I wanted my mom to be proud of me and I wanted to be "perfect".. The one thing I could never get a grip on was my weight. I am naturally a little more curvy (God bless the big boobs and big butt..) lol So I just wouldn't eat.. sure, part of it was to be skinny, but majority of it was a cry for help.. I just wanted someone to see me and appreciate me. I was so sick of doing everything for everyone else that I wanted to be so sick that other people would have to take care of me. Sounds crazy, I know.. but anyone with an eating disorder knows the exact feeling I'm talking about..

My junior and senior year of high school, I couldn't hide that I had an eating disorder anymore. I would frequently pass out in gym class or gymnastics, I had very dark circles under my eyes and just looked really sick. Believe it or not, I "looked" like I was at a healthy weight.. That's why so many people with eating disorders never get the help they need. MAJORITY of the time, they look "normal". Especially those with bulimia or ed-nos. It got to a point where my heart would stop and I couldn't breathe (I was also taking ephedrin and other weight loss pills). I had to be hospitalized a few times. By this point, I wanted to "get better" and I just wanted all of the pain to go away, but I couldn't. Even if I tried to eat, my body would reject it. It's a very scary feeling...

I saw psychiatrists, joined support groups and did everything I could to "get help".. but most of the time, that made it worst. I used it as motivation. As dark and twisted as this sounds, I had such an obsession with being "the best" that I wanted to be "the best" anorexic in the group and wouldn't stop until I was worst than the other girls my support group.

Ultimately, the only thing that got me through those times were my loved ones. They fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. They believed in me when I lost hope.

I'm not sharing my story to brag in any way, but more so to offer support, inspiration and maybe help someone else. The one thing I can honestly say helped me "recover" was music.. it was always my passion and dream.. so I took my eyes and effort off of "trying to get better" and just focused all of my energy on music, writing and making my dreams come true.. Sometimes simply not trying to fix the problem is the answer in the end.. It's different for everyone, but it is possible. If you know anyone struggling with an eating disorder, the worst thing you could ever do is give up on them or think they are hopeless. Keep hanging on and just be a good friend.

I had 4 really good friends from support groups die from eating disorders.. I often wondered why I was the one that survived, and maybe it's to help others with the disease. Sure, I slip up and have my bad days and sometimes weeks, but ultimately, just don't give up.. I have been free of this disease for 8 years.. If I can do it, so can you.

For ANYONE who is struggling, always always always feel free to message me or talk about anything.. You are not alone

**hugs**