food diary of a binge eater

sara338 · December 2011

It started off as a small diet to get healthier and more fit and turned into anorexia. I went from 91 pounds to a healthy 108 within a year. During that time when i was in recovery i was being made fun of daily for being so tiny. I remember crying almost everyday because of the mean things that people would say to me. I started eating unbelievable amounts of food so that I would gain weight quicker, some times it was hard because I still had the mindset of someone with anorexia. The constant thoughts of hearing "you're fat." or "why are they calling you skinny? you're obviously not." and not having the ability to see what was really in front of you ruined my life.
Soon enough I recovered from anorexia, and fighting it everyday i remained stable and happy for about 3 months. I was still skinny, but I was healthy. I don't think that i was ever so comfortable and happy with myself as i was at this time.
I started having family problems and fighting with my sister, who is the most important thing in the world to me. After eating so much while I was in recovery I guess it let me to start "eating my emotions". I gained an extra 30 pounds and from being a former anorexia it's killing me. All of the progress that I had made is starting to fade away because I feel exactly as I did when I was starving myself. Miserable.
I go from barley eating anything to eating sometimes to 7000 calories a day. I need to learn how to eat again. It sounds funny saying that considering that I'm not 5 years old anymore, but some how, in the result of my eating disorders I had developed Binge eating disorder. It's crazy to see how fast that I had changed just from the result of this new disorder. I've never been this unhappy and I need to fix this.

I put my food diary on public view so that everyone can see the mistakes i make. I don't know how to 'eat' and I'm ready to learn. I haven't been a member of MFP for very long but the days i have been I marked everything down that i ate.
If anyone can please give me advice on how to control this i would greatly appreciate it. I'm already seeing a doctor but it's not helping as much as it did when i was recovering from anorexia. There are two complete different disorders.

Thank you and I plan to fix this starting now. No more excuses.

irenerose25 · December 2011

I took a look at your diary. I am no expert by any means, but I used to binge eat a lot. One thing that helped me was not buying junk food. You said you are seeing a doctor. Is that a medical doctor or a psychologist? I think you would benefit from learning other ways to deal with your emotions. Meditation, exercise, etc. I think you are stronger than you think; just sharing your story proves that. I am sorry I don't have more to offer, but I wish you good luck.

bens_momma · December 2011

I learned a lot about "how to eat" when I was pregnant.

I craved meat (which I never did before and I hardly do now). Since binging out on red meat wasn't an option, I would consider the fact that my body was craving some fat and protein. So I would slather some peanut butter on a banana.

If I was craving candy, I would eat sweet berries or an apple to satisfy my sugar craving.

If you start craving something, I would recommend thinking about what your body might be needing. Chips? You might need some carbs. Chocolate? Fat/sugar. I know this helped me, but bringing the self-control part of it is a lot harder.

Good luck to you, you can overcome this. Food doesn't rule you!

ayummymommy01 · December 2011

Oh my!
I am sorry for all you have gone through but it is a new day. Leave yesterday behind and move forward. Don't look back.
So it would be great to know a bit more about you, height, weight, age, workout habits etc. but I would start by getting rid of the junk. Just don't buy it.
Next: start eating regularly. 5-6 times per day small healthy meals containing protein and carbs (complex (oats, yams, quinoa etc) or veggie/fruit carbs)
make sure you drink loads of water
get sleep
workout weights and cardio
focus on healthy choices rather than focusing on the numbers.
Also in your diary I saw 32 tbsp of nutella...is that a mistake??
Focus on healthy choices... fruits, veggies, lean fish and meats, complex carbs...all will fall into place then. The idea is stay ahead of the hunger (read: binges)
Good luck.

MelKut · December 2011

I just took a look through your diary, and you do great on the days that start off with fruits and vegetables. Maybe that helps you set the tone for the day? I would just try to start everyday with some fresh fruit, maybe a few eggs or something light like that.

The only consistently "bad" thing I see is the peanut butter and Nutella abuse. I used to do that too

Whenever you reach for the PB/Nutella, it might help to recognize that the source of most of your daily calories comes from them. It might be helpful to take a break from those, just don't buy them, or find something to replace it.

I used to snack a lot between meals (its like I had an oral fixation, I just needed something) and my replacement was tea. I now have a huge mug of tea (unsweetened, or sweetened with Stevia) after every meal. As soon as I sit down I put water on to boil, that way when I'm done with my food, the water cools just enough for me to sip. It helps me stop for a moment and think about if I really am still hungry or just bored/mad/depressed. Otherwise, I would just drink more water. I drink about 2 cups before and after every meal.

abbbigayl · December 2011

That is really good advice and the tea is good for you

_GlaDOS_ · December 2011

I’m very sorry that you have gone through these things. While I think MFP is a great place for support and advice, it sounds to me like you may need more professional help.

nyspotlight · December 2011

I did the same thing when recovering from anorexia - I ate a bunch so my mom would think I was okay. But that isn't really re-training your body to understand what it needs. That just "feeds" the problem.

One thing that helped was the book "Intuitive Eating." You might look into that. It's an easy read with principles that most people find natural but people like you and me really have to work to implement. The times where I have been able to follow that lifestyle (which is not "hard" per se, I just have ED slip-ups) have been the most comfortable.

Please forgive yourself when you binge. Maybe it can be a learning experience. Ask yourself what triggered the episode. What could you do differently next time? And then let it go.

I wish you well, I know how hard it is. Feel free to add me!

Bonwell · December 2011

First of all, you are a strong and beautiful person. Cut yourself a break, you're human with flaws and issues like all of us have. Focus on your strengths, your courage and talents. I too have had family issues that helped me pack on the pounds. Finding new ways to "comfort" myself was key. Try working out, taking a bubble bath, get a manicure or whatever you've wanted to do but never took the time to do for yourself. All the suggestions of not buying junk food, eating fruits and veggies are all great. Dr. Oz has a lot of good ideas and recipes on his website. Good luck. Keep in touch. Love yourself! You CAN do this.

sara338 · December 2011

Thanks you guys. I can stop and I know that I can. When I have the tea it helps me to hold my cravings and therefore I don't binge.

And no, the 32 tbs of nutella wasn't a mistake... I eat those thinks like crazy! I've eaten two whole jars in one day. I'm going to ask my family not to buy them ever again haha.

sara338 · December 2011

I just took a look through your diary, and you do great on the days that start off with fruits and vegetables. Maybe that helps you set the tone for the day? I would just try to start everyday with some fresh fruit, maybe a few eggs or something light like that.

The only consistently "bad" thing I see is the peanut butter and Nutella abuse. I used to do that too Whenever you reach for the PB/Nutella, it might help to recognize that the source of most of your daily calories comes from them. It might be helpful to take a break from those, just don't buy them, or find something to replace it.

I used to snack a lot between meals (its like I had an oral fixation, I just needed something) and my replacement was tea. I now have a huge mug of tea (unsweetened, or sweetened with Stevia) after every meal. As soon as I sit down I put water on to boil, that way when I'm done with my food, the water cools just enough for me to sip. It helps me stop for a moment and think about if I really am still hungry or just bored/mad/depressed. Otherwise, I would just drink more water. I drink about 2 cups before and after every meal.

Yeah I am going to try the tea after every meal. i did for a while and it helped but then I stopped... and unfortunately I LOVE nutella and peanut butter. I would think that I would get sick of it by now but nope. I'm not going to eat them anymore, because they are a huge trigger food. Well i am going to try my best

xtinalovexo · December 2011

i find your post so moving and emotional. i have struggled in the past with binge eating. i haven't binged in a month, maybe two. i honestly cant remember the last time i binged.

what helps me is a goal. something i want badly enough that i want it more than food. i found a pair of red pants that i absolutely adore and purchased a size too small. i keep them nearby where i can see them and daily remind myself how great the pants look and how great i will look in them.

i developed a bunch of healthy, fresh meals i love! i find the mix and variety to help curb cravings. also, the foods i eat i can eat enough that i feel full and still be low cal.

i exercise so that i may eat more. and i try to burn high. (whats high for me)

i do NOT buy junk food! there is no peanut butter in this house, no pizza, no bread. snack are yougurts and fruits. foods most commonly eaten are egg whites, veggies, fish, salads, oatmeal, whatev im in the mood for. i change it up weekly so i dont get bored.

if its not in the house you cant eat it without driving to get it. most cravings happen at night, AFTER the store is closed... so im sol. at that point i may want to binge on whatever im craving, i can binge on fruit or even the oatmeal, so rather than doing that i go and lay in bed in the dark and watch tv. during the day i am too busy to binge and i pack lunch so theres no issue there.

i hope this helps a bit!

justanotherbrickinthewall · December 2011

I have ednos, and I have the same problem as you- I have no idea how to eat.
What I recommend is seeing a psychologist and nutritionist. I'm seeing both and we are working together to increase my calories and they are teaching me how to eat.

jayliospecky · December 2011

Thanks you guys. I can stop and I know that I can. When I have the tea it helps me to hold my cravings and therefore I don't binge.

And no, the 32 tbs of nutella wasn't a mistake... I eat those thinks like crazy! I've eaten two whole jars in one day. I'm going to ask my family not to buy them ever again haha.

I totally struggle with the peanut butter and nutella. I have been known to eat an entire jar of nutella in one day. I hear you loud and clear. I've tried the whole "not buying nutella" thing, but I don't find it to be that easy. If I'm shopping when I'm tired or hungry (and it's impossible to avoid that every single time), then I buy these things. It happens.

I guess I don't have a lot of advice. I do know that I'm improving, and I don't binge as often, or in as extreme of a way. The last time I binged it was only 5 Tbsp or so of nutella. Still not good, but better than 32! I take that as a sign of improvement, and also that I will continue to work on it. My goal is to look at food normally some day, and not as a means of comfort when I'm feeling down or tired.

I also thought you should know that you're not alone, and that you're not the only one struggling with this issue. Hang in there!

msbrowneyes85 · December 2011

I have never struggled with anorexia but I have with the binge eating and every once in awhile slip and I think most of us at one time or another have struggled with binge eating sometimes without realizing it until its to late. Some of your food choices are great like the fresh fruits and veggies. Like a few people mentioned before me try not to buy the junk food and I also think that a cup of tea with every meal before or after will also help. If your on MFP every day then thats great I have notice that the more friends I have the more motivation I recieve and can give back. It makes me feel great how well my mfp friends are doing and drives me to do the same. If you dont have anyone close to you then you might want to get together with someone on here or a few people to help anytime you need them. I tend to struggle with chocolate i cant have it at all in my house or i will sit there and eat all of it but I got the idea from someone on here to buy hot chocolate they make diet with only 2 grams of sugar and 25 calories fills me up and takes care of my chocolate cravings. Its going to take time and your on the right path getting help you can do it we are all here for you :flowerforyou:

jesshasredhair · December 2011

I highly recommend the book "Intuitive Eating". As a former bulimic/binge eater, it made a huge difference as part of my learning how to eat again.

jlandau · December 2011

I just started binging this year, which is why i've gained all this weight. It's easy to say not to buy it anymore, but we both know that if you want it bad enough there's always a way to find it without anyone knowing. My enemies are donuts and pizza. I used to eat at least a dozen donuts and a large pizza at least once every weekend. Here's what's been keeping me semi- stable the last month or so: if i start thinking about these unhealthy foods or addictions, i get them! i've learned that if i ignore it, something will set me off eventually (a mean comment, a bad grade, anything stressful) and i'll end up eating 5 days of calories in one sitting. if i give in right away i can handle only eating two donuts, or one or two slices of pizza, and it doesn't happen nearly as often! i also found a food that i CAN binge on: popcorn! it's not as good, but when i feel like i just need to keep eating to make myself feel okay, i let myself eat a whole bag of buttery goodness.. only 120 calories! Good luck with everything!

jesshasredhair · December 2011

Also, as someone who took a long time to even be able to "diet" and "Track my food"...and as a therapist, I would recommend that you seek some professional assistance if you can. Often people who are eating disordered will just jump from maladaptive behavior to behavior.

For me for a long time when it wasn't food, it was alcohol, or sex, or exercise, or....you get the point.

The obsessiveness and all-or-nothing thinking needs to be figured out or else it'll just be more of the same. Unfortunately, for those of us battling eating disorders or eating-disordered thinking, there is often a deeper issue that needs to be worked on. If only it was so simple as logging!!

Good luck

food diary of a binge eater

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