Old Habits Die Hard, but it's gotta be them or you, and I'm

not going anywhere!

Ok, this is pretty much my whole life story laid out here so it's kind of long. But hopefully, someone out there can relate to my stupidity and know that people can change!

Today I was watching some shows I have never seen before and one of them was about morbidly obese Americans in treatment facilities. The show would interview the patients, doctors, and families to get different aspects and opinions about obesity and how to safely lose weight for patients ranging from 300lbs to 700lbs. One of the interviews with a doctor really reminded me a little bit about how I was gaining weight myself and was making some of the same excuses!

From what he observed, after treating hundreds of people in his hospital, a large majority of the people tell him that they don't eat that much. They eat reasonable portions and they must have slow metabolisms, or be big boned, or just eat junk food.
He then would continue to ask them to give him an example of what thier portions were like and he found that most people with a genuine eating disorder (of overeating), believe that they only eat when they are hungry and that if that means eating a double cheeseburger, fries, and a coke, to them that is a normal portion. Because of this, the doctor drew a conclusion that when you have an over-eating disorder, you mentally believe you are not doing much wrong because you don't want to believe that you did this to yourself. You are in denial and can't see that what you are doing is wrong because you have been doing it for so long. You don't realise how much you are consuming over what is considered a :normal" portion and that your normal indulgences are way over what is considered "normal" or "healthy".

I know everyone will have thier own opinions and thoughts about this, but to me it actually made sense.

When I was young, my mother didn't cook breakfast for me since my bus came at 6:20 in the morning. I would be starving by lunch time and would eat chicken tenders with french fries, a fountain drink, and STILL be hungry and go for snacks like chips or candy bars. When I got home for dinner, she rarely cooked because she and my father both worked and I would microwave pizza pockets or pizza rolls because that is what was easy and was readily available in the freezer. She of course would criticise me for gaining weight and would warn me that if I didn't stop eating that I would get fat, but she never explained about proper nutrition or portion size or what I could eat INSTEAD of those pizza pockets. Because of my being trained to do this at such a young age, by the time I was in high school I had already gotten into the idea that what I was eating was normal and routine. I had went from 120 pounds in middle school to 165 in high school! I was very active too! Equestrian Team, volleyball, paint ball, drama, choir, etc....I was always doing something. (If I wasn't so active I bet I would have been a lot worse then I was!)

So becoming an adult I continued to make bad decisions. If I was hungry, I saw nothing wrong with eating some cheese sticks along with a slice of pizza. I know you all are cringing right now thinking about how I could be so dumb, but that is all I knew. My father was obese, my sister and brother were overweight (because they did the same thing I did with the pizza rolls) and most people told me I didn't look fat. My mother has underactive thyroid so I always thought, hmmm maybe I have have a thyroid problem....,People said I looked like I had big bones....So ding ding ding.....that was it! I had big bones. (This is what I truly believed!) In my eyes, I only ate 2 times a day and when I did it was a slice of pizza, mozzarella sticks and a mt.dew for lunch and either a few slices of pizza or a fast food cocktail (burgers fries and a drink). I thought since I was eating only 5 or 6 items a day, I was not eating much. I thought I was just not MEANT to be skinny. I was not born with lucky skinny genes and my body would never be smaller ever again! I was slowly climbing from a size 11/12 to a 14 eventually to a 16, and my largest was an 18 at 125lbs!

In the past 4 years, I have had back surgery for a bad disc, knee surgery for having knee caps that rub to the side, a pulmonary embolism and 2 clots in my legs (dvt), I have to get my esophagus widened every 6 months because my GERD has caused so much scar tissue in my throat, Gastritis, Esohpagitis, and now Gallstones.... I decided while I was laying in the hospital, almost dead from the PE, that I was FINALLY going to make a change in my life. I couldn't just tell myself to accept being fat. I couldn't make excuses for myself anymore! This was it. I almost died! This is my second chance at life and I am NOT going to take it for granted! And I am DEFINETELY NOT going to live it as a size 18!

I found My fitness pal as an app on my phone. I thought, hey it's free so trying it won't hurt! So I tried it. And in my first week I lost 2 pounds. So then I started exercising. It was a little tricky finding things that I could do that wouldn't antagonizing my back or knee, but the harder I worked at it, the stronger I became and the more I can push before I am feeling the pain. I started off doing JUST the stationary bike 30 min a day. I couldn't do more then 2 minutes on the elliptical because my legs burned form being so out of shape with the knee and back surgery. Now, I can do over an hour on the Arc Trainer, stationary bike, and treadmill all in the same day! I can jog and run in small incriments. I will slow down to a walk when my back and knee hurt. But I know I am getting stronger. I am eating healthier. In fact, I LOVE to cook now! I am eating food that I HATED before like vegetables! I LOVE zucchini and mushrooms with chicken and Edamame (soy beans) are my new favorite! I wouldn't even try those in the past!

So today I weigh in at 192. I haven't been to the pain clinic for an injection in over 6 months, and I have more energy every day. I actually feel GUILTY when I want a sweet like chocolate or banana bread. Instead of food running my life, I am taking charge.

I wish that when I was younger, my mom would have helped to cook healthy meals and not encouraged my bad eating habits with pizza pockets and pizza rolls, but it took me a while to figure things out. That I didn't have to be fat for the rest of my life because there are other foods out there that taste good and will make you feel better and will help heal my body! And I had to STOP making excuses for myself! There is no way that if someone who weighed 300lbs could get down to 140lbs, that I couldn't! I promised myself that no matter what my lowest weight will end up, I will be living a happier, healthier lifestyle and that is all that matters...not to mention that shopping for smaller clothes always brings a smile to my face!

I used to think that getting a pulmonary embolism ruined my life. My heart rate to this day still jumps to the 180s and sometimes 190s if I exert myself in a run or push too hard on my Arc Trainer. But I have come to realize that me living through that is what saved my life. If I hadn't gone through that, I probably would still be eating fast food and thinking that I was just born with bad genes.

I know I was stupid, so you all don't have to remind me. I know this was all my fault and I should have educated myself more with the availability of internet and all, but I was seriously in this imaginary bubble where I didn't care what anyone said. I thought that if hamburgers and fries were that bad for you that they wouldn't be so easily available....I thought I was just normally bigger then every other "skinny" girl. I thought that me being thin was IMPOSSIBLE.

As I look back, I see a lot of reasons why I myself and others gain weight (other then because of medical reasons of course)...

Loss or trauma- emotional eating
Overeating- Because it tasted soo damn good
Over snacking- Because what we eat isn't what our body wants and it craves nutrients not more junk
Eating out of boredom- self explainitory
Fast food- Convenience and price- You can feed a family on a $5 LC pizza instead of $7 on just chicken breast
Junk Food- All of the above reasons!
I definetely fell into ALL of these categories!

I think there were so many factors to me being overweight but the number one reason was that I didn't think it was a problem. I didn't think it would hurt me and as long as I wasn't 300lbs, it didn't seem to bother me. Actually, it did really bother me....I just told myself it didn't so I could live in my imaginary bubble in peace..... But I was slowly creeping up there...Made it to 225! In fact, at 225, I almost gave up and thought what the heck, I'd rather eat what I love and enjoy it then not enjoy my food! But I went to see a Dr. about gastric bypass and he said I needed to gain 20 more lbs for my insurance to cover it. Hmmmm, gain 20lbs and go through surgery, or lose it naturally....I decided to try to lose it naturally and lose my first 20 pounds by eating Subway sandwhiches. Then gained 15 back because I got tired of Subway, then lost 25 on a low carb, no sugar, low fat diet (I know! I was stupid to cut carbs, fat and sugar at the same time but I was desperate!) then gained 10 back.......then had an embolism and started My Fitness Pal.So far it is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet because this isn't a diet...it's a lifestyle change and I don't have to feel like I am missing out because if I want my rice then dang it I can have my rice as long as I limit it to a cup and stay under my carbs and sugars for the day! I have lost 13 more lbs since starting along with 2% body fat. I have been following this for almost 2 months and today I finished my first 5K!

Here are some pics from my journey to a new better life.
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/BEFOREJUNE2011-1.jpg
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/215.jpg
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/Kneesurgery.jpg This one kind of looks like my knee is smiling! lol
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/BackSurgery.jpg
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/205lbs.jpg
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/1324091695.png
http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h385/chubbybunnee/315537_2585791770896_1437590603_2919549_1294068138_n.jpg

I am still overweight and considered obese on the BMI chart, but I am not going to give up until I am considered normal and can run a 12 minute mile! I know it may take me a year, but I will get there. I am determined to. I have paid a high price to learn the lesson I did but in the long run, this will give me a better life. And if it's in the cards that in the future I have children of my own, Tthey WILL know about proper nutrition and there WILL NOT be any pizza rolls or pizza pockets in my house!

What are some reasons that ya'll got to the way you were before you joined My Fitness Pal? Overweight, underweight, or just trying to eat a more balanced diet with a healthier lifestyle? Was it the addiction to sugar? The convenience of fast food? The fact that you didn't care? Spill yer guts! I wanna hear if this doctor I watched today knew what he was talking about....