I Lost A Friend Tonight =(
RunningAddict
Posts: 548 Member
I will probably regret this in the morning but I couldn't help it. For so long I have heard a friend talk about that she has the signs of a heart attack and she realizes she's over weight. I have tried everything to help her, I have even offered to stay after work when I'm dead tired just to try to motivate her. I have gave her food suggestions, websites to use and she simply won't. So I gave up and just decided to not say anything at all. That was going good until tonight, then she started again! When I suggested the websites she just turned her nose as usual. That did it, that was my tipping point. My words were something along these lines.
Listen, I can talk to you till I'm blue in the face but until you decide you want to change you won't. Yes, its hard and yes it sucks, you just have to do it. You can't eat pizza everyday and expect to not gain weight. Don't complain to me when you won't do anything about it. I feel bad about it but good grief I am so tired of hearing it! Why would someone even complain to me when they are simply going to reject every option I offer them? Needless to say she wouldn't speak to me when she left. =( I also during the conversation told her "Don't get mad but this is some tough love and you know it is true". Ohh well, I consider part of being a friend -is being honest and I am not going to baby someone with lies! I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't get this attitude everytime I tried to help. I don't understand.... =(
Listen, I can talk to you till I'm blue in the face but until you decide you want to change you won't. Yes, its hard and yes it sucks, you just have to do it. You can't eat pizza everyday and expect to not gain weight. Don't complain to me when you won't do anything about it. I feel bad about it but good grief I am so tired of hearing it! Why would someone even complain to me when they are simply going to reject every option I offer them? Needless to say she wouldn't speak to me when she left. =( I also during the conversation told her "Don't get mad but this is some tough love and you know it is true". Ohh well, I consider part of being a friend -is being honest and I am not going to baby someone with lies! I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't get this attitude everytime I tried to help. I don't understand.... =(
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Replies
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Oh hun ... I am reaching out my arms in a hug motion.
The sad but true part is ... she will get it when she gets it. And sometimes people never get it. The desire and the motivation has to come from inside. However, sometimes some tough love is just what they need to get going ...
You tried being the nice friend... it didnt help her and it didnt help you. Try this ... and just see what happens. But realize it may take her time to come to where you are ...0 -
at least you told her the truth. it is up to her now to change her life!0
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I think Its great you said something,as long as it was tactful, she can't get mad. Who knows, shemight be mad and actually do something for once. Would you rather stay quiet and then something bad happen to her and you would always wonder if you should have said something more. You went way above and beyond a friend would do. I remember once complaining to a friend years ago about my gaining weight, my clothes don't fit any more,etc. etc and she just turned to me and said " why complain about things you have the capability of changing?" and she was stern. I was upset about it, but it was true, and I still think about it until this day. I think you are being a great friend even though she might not realize it until later.0
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I thought you were going to say she had a heart attack :[ I hope she realizes it for herself before she really does & it's too late!0
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Sometimes, you can do nothing more but speak your mind.
NO ONE can do for someone else WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! You can't make her eat right. You can't make her exercise or move or care or do ANYTHING.......................all you can do is be supportive WHEN she makes those good choices.
We all have friends and family who do stupid things. We don't have to LIKE WHAT THEY DO..............but we also don't have to sit idly by and accept it.
Give yourself a break. SHE has to change..........not you. Love and accept what you can.................the rest? Well, it's NOT your call, girl.0 -
Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe it is the reality check she needs. Maybe now that you spoke your mind she will look into herself and realize she needs to change. In a situation like this sometimes all you can do is " Tough Love" but maybe she will wake up and do something about it finally since you put the truth out there now.0
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Don't worry, you have done what a good friend SHOULD do, just be there for her when she realises that you were just trying to save her life, she will probably be somewhere quiet licking her wounds and will be feeling hurt but she knows you told her the truth and as we all know, it hurts sometime.
Sending you many hugs for being a good friend!:flowerforyou:0 -
Maybe she is just hurt right now. Let her stew for awhile. Trust ME, I KNOW she is thinking about what you said. It has happened to me. I bet she will come around. Your words may not temp her to change now, but it will at some point. Hugs to you.0
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Maybe she is just hurt right now. Let her stew for awhile. Trust ME, I KNOW she is thinking about what you said. It has happened to me. I bet she will come around. Your words may not temp her to change now, but it will at some point. Hugs to you.0
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You're right. There's only so much you can do.
A friend is a boxer/trainer. He says that if people aren't into fitness that's ok - he can cope with people not being like him, but don't moan about being overweight, ask him for advice and then eat loads of junk food and not exercise. If you do, he won't bother spending time organising a program for you..... I agree with him.
People have to come tyo the decision themselves. Hopefully she will and you can then help her. Until then, you just have to relalise you have done what you can.0 -
People have to want to make healthy changes...but I'm sorry you lost a friend...hopefully she will see what she is missing and realize you had her best interests at heart.0
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I don't blame you! I'm of the opinion that someone else's weight and habits are none of my business (unless you're my child). But then don't COMPLAIN to me if you're unwilling to fix it.
I have a feeling you didn't lose a friend. Those things were hard for her to hear, but once she calms down and really thinks about it, I think the friendship will survive. And she may take control of her body or she may not, but at least she'll probably stop talking to you about it.0 -
It's really lovely that you care about her so much, even feel frustrated and angry about this situation is showing that you really care. I know this is easier said than done BUT. Say what you need to and then let it go. Don't have any feelings towards what you have given because whether you say it or not, It's really up to her whether or not she will take it AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. THere is no point worrying about it. just have a happy face
I have a friend, I invited her on a challenge, I said lets lose 10kg's in 10 weeks, She said "ok but I really want to lose 20" and sounded disappointed that it was only going to be 10kg's, so she didn't really give it much because she felt like that challenge didn't reach her goal. 10wks later.....I'm 10kg's lighter and you know what she is? 10kg's heavier.
There's nothing I can do but eh, I'm happy :happy: :happy: :happy:0 -
It's really lovely that you care about her so much, even feel frustrated and angry about this situation is showing that you really care. I know this is easier said than done BUT. Say what you need to and then let it go. Don't have any feelings towards what you have given because whether you say it or not, It's really up to her whether or not she will take it AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. THere is no point worrying about it. just have a happy face
I have a friend, I invited her on a challenge, I said lets lose 10kg's in 10 weeks, She said "ok but I really want to lose 20" and sounded disappointed that it was only going to be 10kg's, so she didn't really give it much because she felt like that challenge didn't reach her goal. 10wks later.....I'm 10kg's lighter and you know what she is? 10kg's heavier.
There's nothing I can do but eh, I'm happy :happy: :happy: :happy:0 -
the truth always hurts. But don't worry. She'll understand someday and be thankful. She'll come around! I think it's great you had the courage to tell her those things, not many people bother saying what they think out loud
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It's great that you said it the way you did and you didn't hurt her. If and when she does come around, she will remember that you said it in an HONEST and loving way and she will GET it. She'll know that you're a true friend. Hugs to you!0
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The truth hurts, but as pissed off as she got, I bet you she is still thinking about the words you used. Who knows, maybe in a few months she will come back to you XX lbs lighter and say thank you for helping her.
Friends are supposed to be honest with you and I think that you did the right thing. If she comes around again though, and doesn't change her ways, just don't talk about it anymore. People are stubborn but like you said, she wont change until she wants to change.0 -
There's a difference between complaining and asking for advice.
Sometimes when people complain they are just venting their frustration.
Are you asking for advice, are you looking for support, or are you just venting?
More importantly, is your friend asking you for advice or is she just venting?
Unwelcome advice is rarely listened to and often instills anger. Sometimes we need to accept our friends as they are instead of how we wish them to be.0 -
well done. it was brave of you to say that to your friend but it was the right thing to do, and in time your friend will realise this. things will probably be frosty for a while but i reckon you two will be friends again. being told things we don't want to hear hurts, even the small things, this was a biggy but needed to be said. you can't make your friend make changes she needs to but you can still be there for her. please make sure you don't blank her when you see her, i doubt you could pretend nothing has occured between you and be as you were together but by saying hello and smiling when you see each other keeps the friendship alive instead of killing it altogether0
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An important aspect to a friendship is to be able to speak your mind with each other. Even if your friend doesn't like what you said, you've done your part. But change must comes from within.0
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Sorry about your situation...
I am sure that deep down your friend knows that you spoke truthfully and from the heart. If she is honest with herself, she will appreciate your desire to help her and take your advice.
She may not be able to do that, but I bet she will not hold a grudge for long. True friends are hard to find, and I bet your friendship will survive. :ohwell:0 -
I think you have done so well in trying to help her for so long.
Only she can decide to make the effort to change. If she is happy as she is then fine - but she obviously isn't if she moans to you all the time. Y
ou have said what you said out of love and concern for her wellbeing. Hopefully she will realise this in time, but if not then I don't think she's a 'friend' you need to be around.
Don't beat yourself up over it - hard I know, but you've done your best.
Hugs xx0 -
I think you have done so well in trying to help her for so long.
Only she can decide to make the effort to change. If she is happy as she is then fine - but she obviously isn't if she moans to you all the time. Y
ou have said what you said out of love and concern for her wellbeing. Hopefully she will realise this in time, but if not then I don't think she's a 'friend' you need to be around.
Don't beat yourself up over it - hard I know, but you've done your best.
Hugs xx0 -
Maybe she is just hurt right now. Let her stew for awhile. Trust ME, I KNOW she is thinking about what you said. It has happened to me. I bet she will come around. Your words may not temp her to change now, but it will at some point. Hugs to you.
This is so true. She may be mad, hurt and upset, but I am quite certain that she is thinking about what you said. Hopefully, this will be her 'AHA!' moment that will point her in a healthier direction. Sometimes, the truth hurts and not many people are forward enough to tell people they care about what they are really thinking. You are an awesome friend for giving her the blunt truth.
((HUGS))0 -
You can only help a p[erson so much, but if they are not willing to help themselves, thats not your fault! You tried, you were honest and even though it was hard, told her what she needed to hear!!! Good for you, dont be to hard on yourself......maybe she will evetually clue in to all that you told her!!!!:) Kudos to you!!0
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Actually... I am so glad that your post ended with an argument because as I started to read it, I just knew it would end with her having a heart attack. Just give your friend some time. She doesn't want to face what she knows is true and you are making her. When she realizes that it is out of concern and love, she will come around. I don't know if you will be able to get her to change her ways. Maybe just try to lead by example. Ask her to take walks with you just to talk and hang out. Offer to split a salad or some other healthy food with her. Maybe you can just nudge her in the right direction.0
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I thought you were going to say she had a heart attack :[ I hope she realizes it for herself before she really does & it's too late!
Thats what I thought too.
I know you were frustrated with her, but I remember one point in my life where all I could do is TALK about losing weight. I would still eat my crap while I dreamed of being skinny.
I think what you told her was true and if you would like to mend it I would talk to her immediately. Let her know that you care for her as a friend but set up boundries.
Tell her if you are going to stay friends than there are some things you dont want to hear until she can put actions with here words. But I wouldnt give up on her. She may be struggling more deeply than you know.0 -
I thought you were going to say she had a heart attack :[ I hope she realizes it for herself before she really does & it's too late!
Same here - exactly what I thought!!
Is she actually a real friend if she is going to crack it over the truth??
I had a friend that was whining about not being able to lose weight - I told her about here - she joined up - then the next day she was gone - then I noted over Xmas on facebook she was going on about her yummy chocolates she had got - so what it was - she didn't really want to do anything about her habits thru here or hard work - she was looking for a quick fix. I just don't bother with people like that - you can lead a horse to water...........................0 -
Don't worry, you have done what a good friend SHOULD do, just be there for her when she realises that you were just trying to save her life, she will probably be somewhere quiet licking her wounds and will be feeling hurt but she knows you told her the truth and as we all know, it hurts sometime.
Sending you many hugs for being a good friend!:flowerforyou:
I agree. She will probably come around and thank you when she starts losing weight. You are a good friend for saying what you said.0 -
So sorry to hear that. Sending you virtual hugs. You were trying to be a good friend but people have to be ready to change. It's like smoking, you can't make somebody quit smoking until they are ready. You can't make somebody lose weight until they are ready. Maybe you can just avoid the subject of weight loss for the moment. If you are real friends there are a thousand other things you could talk about instead.
You are a true caring friend. She needs you.0
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