I feel shallow for this question but....

kk0223
kk0223 Posts: 179
edited October 6 in Chit-Chat
If a person is falling for another person and it feels like the friendship could possibly turn into more but you feel like the person you're falling for has nothing to offer, how do you handle that?

He's sweet, loving, attractive and all of the above. Takes care of his mom. She lives with him. He's only 28 and I'm 25. Has a crappy job without the intent of changing that and doesn't make very good money at all but he is happy in that situation.

I am beginning to love him. I know he likes me. I'm scared of falling for somoene that his Mom lives with him and doesn't care about making decent money to take care of self or girlfriend/wife one day.

I have goals and plans. I want to move out of town in a couple years and buy a condo and go to cosmetology school. How am I suppose to be with someone that is content sitting at home all of the time and not bettering himself financially, especially in this world today.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we have different goals in life but we like each other. How do you handle that or do you??
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Replies

  • RobinLoren
    RobinLoren Posts: 34
    I don't think you are shallow, this is a very valid feeling. A relationship can not only be based off of attraction. If you really like him, try going out with him for a little while and see how it feels. If you really start connecting, maybe it will wake him up to wanting to better himself to be with you. If after a while you find that he is still the same and you cannot deal with it, then it may be time to part. You are not planning on moving tomorrow so I don't see anything wrong with just trying it out. He is content with where he is now but, in my experience, he may change his mind if you really have something together.
    Also, the major thing I can stress is communication! Talk to him about this stuff! It is the key to resolving differences,
  • silvergurl518
    silvergurl518 Posts: 4,123 Member
    hi there! thanks for your honesty....and it's not shallow at all. this is your life.

    i'm going to play devil's advocate and offer up my experience. i dated a wonderful guy for a few months--felt like almost a year though, because we spent nearly every day together. i have a good paying job, live on my own, and have been sober over 4 years. he was still in his first year of sobriety, living in a group house, with a minimum wage job and wouldn't drive for another 2 years. i didn't care because i thought he was AMAZING. and he was. and is. however, i realized he wasn't the right guy for me (all those other factors notwithstanding) and then the "little" things such as his life factors started to become bigger things. and i realized that he is on one journey and i'm on another. i wish him the best and i still miss him sometimes but our paths were only meant to cross for a short while. you have to really ask yourself some honest questions. would you be happy with him no matter what, or would you start resenting him for "holding you back"? sometimes the only answer is experience. i wish you luck, since i know this is a toughie. i wrestled with a very similar situation, as you can tell, and in the end decided i would be better off on my own.

    xoxoxo
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:
  • dissonancesquared
    dissonancesquared Posts: 17
    on the one hand i am tempted to say that if you love him all that other stuff shouldn't matter... but of course thats not true. you guys would probably have a great time at first, and then as your divergent goals began to take on more importance in your lives, you would have to deal with that conflict. i wouldn't go into the relationship planning on being able to change him, but if you think you might eventually be able to accept his more laid back attitude and that he might be able to help support you to reach your goals then it would probably be worth a shot...
  • SeaSiren1
    SeaSiren1 Posts: 242 Member
    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:

    this
  • CurlyQTee
    CurlyQTee Posts: 62
    You can't help who your heart falls for. I would say don't act on anything for a long, long time. Your heart may change or may not. The things that are important to you now will be even more important later. I have kept a list of men I thought I would have dated along my path and they all turned out to be DB's. The one I said I would not ever be with. I married. LOL I've been with him for 20 now.
  • Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused
    Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused Posts: 935 Member
    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:
  • RicSnyder
    RicSnyder Posts: 129 Member
    Having similar values is one of the most important parts of making a relationship work. Move on before it gets harder to do so.
  • lakersfan4life
    lakersfan4life Posts: 322 Member
    my advice would be to knock it out a few times and move on
  • cobracars
    cobracars Posts: 949 Member
    Why is it a 'crappy job' but yet he is happy?

    To him it may be an ideal job, but not your cup of tea. Why does he have to conform to your ideas of the best way for him to live his life? Many people in need of care would consider him a saint for taking care of his mother instead of shipping her off to a nursing home while he chases the ideal job and lifestyle.

    Accept him for who he is, support him if he wants to change, leave him alone if you can't accept it.
  • laneybird
    laneybird Posts: 532 Member
    You aren't shallow at all for asking. I think you really know the answer to your question. If you think he is "the one" then I say go for it. If he is content with his life, then he isn't going to change. I am the type that thinks I can change the person if they only saw what a good relationship was and how good it felt to be loved, that they would want to do better for themselves. But, that has yet to work. Usually you just take a few years of your life being held back. Follow your heart AND your head :)
    Best of luck in your decision!
  • thor1god1of1awesome
    thor1god1of1awesome Posts: 481 Member
    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:
    I was going to say this but carl put it in better words.
  • Sh1tsRainbows
    Sh1tsRainbows Posts: 1,227 Member
    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:

    ^THIS
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • oberon0124
    oberon0124 Posts: 10,524 Member
    You have plans and asperations for your life, he has none. Different paths different lifes. The key word here is different. His goals in life and passion for it are DIFFERENT than yours!!!!!!

    Nuff said, move on my friend!!!
  • moodymarble
    moodymarble Posts: 182 Member
    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



    Definitely ^^this^^
  • bflicker11
    bflicker11 Posts: 296
    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:

    THIS
  • Hambone23
    Hambone23 Posts: 486 Member
    Ask yourself this: If you give up your goals and aspirations, will you regret it? If you will, you'll end up resenting him.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    FOLLOW THE MONEY, SISTA!
  • goldfinger88
    goldfinger88 Posts: 686 Member
    You don't sound like you love him. It's not likely you'll be happy with this type of person. Wait awhile and find the person who more closely fits your needs. You'll never but never find a perfect person. But you'll probably find someone you can love and enjoy being with and be proud of. You can't be proud of this guy no matter how good he may be. Let someone else love him. He deserves someone who can love him just as he is.
  • Mickers36
    Mickers36 Posts: 84 Member
    What does it matter what he makes financially? As long as he can pay for his own things then what's the problem. As long as you aren't looking for a man to support you then don't worry about it. Just keep your $ your and his $ his, split the bills equally if it gets to that point. If you want more financially then do it on your own, just make sure he doesn't bring you down.
  • kag1526
    kag1526 Posts: 210 Member
    This is tough. I started dating a guy in high school. He was smart but no real ambition or plans. Decided to take some time off. I was a year behind him in school so was glad he woud be around my senior year.

    Then I graduated and I went to college. He stayed with what he was doing. He did a certificate program but all that got him was student loans, it wasn't really a college (not accredited) so not worth anything.

    He moved to be with me after a few years of college. Got a job at Target.

    We are now married. He still works at Target, I'm an engineer.

    There are days I resent this a bit and find it difficult (Mostly when I have worked a full day and came home to work on grad school for my masters and he is playing video games and the house wasn't cleaned). There are days he feels I don't value him because he doesn't make enough money and don't think that he works hard.

    Most of the time it works though. There are some benefits to this. I don't have to worry about what if his career takes a change and he would need to move for an opportunity, do I take a hit to my career for that? I make enough money where his money is just for extras so its ok by me.

    You need to decide if it will be ok with you.
  • lindac1013
    lindac1013 Posts: 5
    You know the response...you are 25 get your life in order first, you are always number one, don't become a mommy to a man at 25.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
    I am curious .. Just how intimately do you know him. Has he actually said he doesn't want to better himself, or does it just appear that way .. or that he is happy where he is and intends on staying there? Are you assuming he is going nowhere, has he confirmed that is his intention, because he is in a comfortable enough space, at least for now. What are HIS longterm goals? How do they compare to yours.

    It's a gamble as it is when choosing a life partner. People grow and change constantly .. and much of their outlook on their future depends on a few things. Contentment for one thing is a big factor. If he were in a romantic relationship, he may have a completely different outlook on life and his future goals...then again .. he may not.

    No one knows but him. If you want to gain access to a tiny glimpse on just what his 'plans' are (if he has any at all) you have to open that discussion. You won't know the answer you are looking for unless you talk about it.

    You may just to contend with the fact that some friends are meant to be just that .. just friends. Don't confuse 'loving' him with 'being in love' with him.
  • Shadowcasting
    Shadowcasting Posts: 124 Member
    I would just ask....

    What if the question was from a guy? "I really like this girl, but I have goals and dreams. She just has a 'menial' job and is happy with that. I'm not sure I could handle that."

    At the same time, if it bothers you now, it'll bother you more later. That won't change and you can't change him.

    Bottom line is that, whether its shallow or not, it is how it is.... Is it shallow? Maybe. I can't really say. Does whether or not its shallow change the fact that it you don't like it? No. It doesn't.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?
  • lq022
    lq022 Posts: 232 Member
    I've often wondered what I would do if I were in your type of situation ... and I havent read anyone elses response yet so I may be repeating a few things ... but it really all depends on how comfortable YOU are with his situation.

    I can only speak for myself -- I am planning on becoming a nurse practitioner and I am lucky enough to come from a wealthy family who WORKED for their money ... My parents have instilled a very hard work ethic into my brother and I, so for me, I want a guy who has the same. Not for the fact that I need his money too, but more for the reason that I dont want HIM mooching off of ME . I dont want to marry a gold-digging man just as much as a guy doesnt want a golddigger as wife!

    MY advice: Take the time YOU need to better yourself ... if he isnt making moves to better his situation, then he wont move from his mothers house by the time your done with cosmotology school. If you feel like you can talk to him about this, then maybe the two of you can come to an agreement .. like he becomes more ambicious (spelling?) but you stay in the town your from or something like that .

    Goodluck!
  • Lula16
    Lula16 Posts: 628 Member
    who knows, he might catch on some of your motivation. he might need a little pushing and compliments that actually may make him feel better about himself and make him more independent.
  • Raychel_P
    Raychel_P Posts: 9 Member
    You have certain goals for life, he doesnt... that isn't being shallow, its a major difference in values that will really impact your life later. Get out now before you get involved too deeply and end up having a ball and chain dragging you down.

    I had a similar situation where I was with someone for 5 years, and while I lived in ****ty apartments and struggled to go to school and move up the career ladder, he had no interest in changing our lifestyle.

    I broke it off and started dating someone who, like me, is more goal oriented.... we are now married, both doing well in our careers, and are in process of buying a nice house. You know what you want in life.... if he can't offer it, wait for someone who can. And don't listen to people who say maybe you can motivate him, blah blah blah. Ever taken a psychology class? external motivation doesn't work and won't produce lasting changes. He won't change until he wants to, which may be never.
  • debswebby
    debswebby Posts: 326
    You will not be happy settling. Eventually it will cause problems. You are still young enough to keep your options open. I married a man who has no ambitions. Who is happy loafing around on the sofa. He's self employed but not pro active. He expects the world to come looking for him. Consequently we are always poor and we never go out together.
    We have been together for 13 years. Its only this past year that we've stopped fighting about it. This is because I've resigned myself to the fact that its not going to change. I still hate his apathy but I love that he loves me and that he'll always look after me the best he can. I also love that I always know where he is lol.

    So, to sum up, a compromise can be reached but its a long hard struggle. If I had my time again, even though I love him dearly, I would stay away from him and choose someone else
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