I feel shallow for this question but....

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  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
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    I'm generally the hopeless romantic type and would normally say, "Just go for it! If it's meant to be it'll work out!"

    Unfortunately, speaking from personal experience, I cannot say that. I dated a guy for two years, and was head over heals for him. He was everything I wanted in a man and more. But, we came from very different backgrounds and were living in extremely different situations. His life is actually similar to your guy's; he is currently living with his mom to take care of her because she has a lot of issues. He works a job paying minimum wage and has no intention of going to college to educate himself (though he is very smart) because he spends all of his time taking care of his family. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get into law school and have no idea where I'll be living in the next few years. In the end, we just couldn't last because while we loved each other very much, and were perfect for each other personality-wise, our lifestyles simply were not compatible.

    I know the easy thing is to tell yourself that things will work out if you guys get together and love each other enough, but sadly that's not always the case. A lasting relationship takes more than just love. So personally I say try to move on, UNLESS he tells you that he will FOR SURE change his lifestyle for you.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
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    I was told yesterday...

    Listen to your gut. LISTEN.

    If there are red flags, LISTEN. Don't ignore things that you know are important to you because of feelings.

    Yes, some people change but some never do. That's just reality. You have goals and someone who doesn't can drag the other down.

    Also, this.
  • judykritikos
    judykritikos Posts: 161
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    The entire reason for dating is to find out if two people are compatible. He may be a wonderful man - and from what you've said, he is. Kind, caring, hard working. you have higher goals and are willing to work for them. You two do not sound like a match.
    Many women fall for the goodness they see in a man - and the POTENTIAL for what he can be. They marry, stary-eyed, and then get their hack saw out and start cutting off the square peg to find their idea of the round hole.
    Move on. Find someone w/ your same goals. You could stay w/ him, and both of you would eventually be miserable. You - because you'll be hounding him, eventually resenting him, because he doesn't change. Him - because you'll hound him, resent him, because he hasn't changed.
    OR...
    Wait 20 years and you'll come back to him because he is kind, caring and hard working. You'll have followed your dream, found someone who's idea of hard-working matches yours. You might marry - or marry and divorce, end up alone. At that time - you'll be ready for a kind, caring, hard working man who loves you and places you as his #1. He'll be a perfect match for you then.
    Wanting something more is NOT a bad thing. Wanting something more and forcing someone to be what you want them to be - is.
  • Marig0ld
    Marig0ld Posts: 671 Member
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    I don't think it's about money, it's just that he lacks ambition. I was with a guy like that for over a year because I honestly thought I couldn't do any better. Him dumping me for some trailer trash was the best thing that ever happened to me!

    Now I am with a guy who is always looking to better himself. Not just financially, but through finding new goals, hobbies, and activities we can enjoy together. It's your decision, just thought I would offer up my perspective.
  • foreverjade
    foreverjade Posts: 213 Member
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    Have been there, done this. It was awesome for awhile. We loved each other, we had that "thing" and it was amazing. Then it got to a point where I realized he was not moving forward or growing, while I definitely was, and I got frustrated and we broke up. The difference is that I got into the relationship under the impression that he DID have goals and aspirations, and got frustrated that he never got around to them.... it sounds even worse in your case because he has no desire to even try.

    If it bugs you already, it will only get worse..... and if it really is this awesome feeling that you are developing, it's sure going to suck when that time comes and you realize that you knew better.
  • May63
    May63 Posts: 162
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    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    EXACTLY

    And good for you planning the future. the future will always be about moving forward.
  • goldfinger88
    goldfinger88 Posts: 686 Member
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    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?

    Money does not always make you happy. It may take the pain out of being miserable to some degree. Happiness comes from within - not without. We can't take it from other people nor give it to them. Yes, we do have to watch out for number one. As long as it's not at the expense of others.
  • Beckym1205
    Beckym1205 Posts: 217 Member
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    My husband lived with his mom until we got married... he was 28. He also had a job that had a potential of becoming a great job, but at the time not so much (I don't think I make super good money, but I was making literally double his salary... and I HATE that), he was maxed out on his credit cards, he has a car payment that was just over 1/3 of his monthly income, and I was about to finnish my Bachelors degree and he was still about a year from finnishing his Associates degree (he just found out last night that he passed his last class yay!). So... did all this bother me? Hell yea. There were a lot of red flags. But, I fell in love with him, and he loved me and I was able to lovingly give him that motivational push to do better.

    Have things improved? Yes, some. He did get a promotion at work, and this has a potential of doubling his salary (so far his income has increased by roughly 50%), as I stated he just finnished his last class needed to receive his Associates degree and that's a huge self esteem boost for him, we have an appartment together (cuz there's no way I was gunna live with his mom...). The credit card debt has improved some, and lastly the dang car will be paid off in March... oi vay I can't wait for that.

    So here's the bottom line of why I believe this is working for us: He wants to be better for his family, he wants to support us, and he has my support and my encouragement as well. So can it work? Yes it can, but only if he wants to improve the situation.
  • GreatSetOfBrains
    GreatSetOfBrains Posts: 675 Member
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    Ask him "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Normally I'd say ten, but that is way too far out to have realistic ideas for a person who is not sure herself of what she wants. . . See how closely it matches your dreams. .

    If he truely has little ambition to be a better person and he are already second guessing this relationship do you think you are going to NOT second guess it later. . . ?
  • garysgirl719
    garysgirl719 Posts: 235 Member
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    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:

    Love this!
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Money isn't everything. And the fact that he takes care of his mom says a lot to me that indicates he's likely a very kind-hearted, sweet person.

    What kind of job does he have (I didn't read the rest of the thread so I might have missed it)?
  • killagb
    killagb Posts: 3,280 Member
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    Just dump him and call him a loser to his face. Problem fixed. :drinker:
  • lmelangley
    lmelangley Posts: 1,039 Member
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    You say you want to go to cosmetology school in a couple years. Would you be interested in dating with no commitment and no exclusivity until you go? You know - just seeing each other casually? Have you talked with him about the future? How would you feel if he started seeing someone else?

    What people want today may not be what they want tomorrow. This goes for both you and him. You need to decide if you can be flexible and "go with the flow", so to speak, or if you need to actively pursue someone who is more career driven at this point in their lives. People change over time, but expecting someone to change to please you isn't fair to them or to you.
  • kk0223
    kk0223 Posts: 179
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    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:

    I didn't mean it that way. That's why I said it sounds shallow! I'm scared because we do have different wants and goals that these things will hurt us in the long run. I admire him for watching out for his Mom. She's capable. He takes care of her cause she can't work and he helps out financially. That's fine. I'd do the same for my Mom. But, I can't imagine living with my Mom in a new relationship for the rest of my life! I don't know. :(
  • kk0223
    kk0223 Posts: 179
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    Why is it a 'crappy job' but yet he is happy?

    To him it may be an ideal job, but not your cup of tea. Why does he have to conform to your ideas of the best way for him to live his life? Many people in need of care would consider him a saint for taking care of his mother instead of shipping her off to a nursing home while he chases the ideal job and lifestyle.

    Accept him for who he is, support him if he wants to change, leave him alone if you can't accept it.

    I say crappy job cause those have been his own words about it. I don't care what he does. There are reasons of his own that he won't leave that job that I don't agree with but I've accepted. I can't get into that detail.

    I have accepted him. I'm glad he takes care of his Mom in the way he does. You're right about accepting him for who he is. I guess if I Love him and want to be with him I would do what makes him happy if he does the same for me.
  • kk0223
    kk0223 Posts: 179
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    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?

    That's not what I'm saying? No, you're not right. It's not about the money. I'm just scared if I go on with my goals of buying a house, etc and he isn't ready financially then can I do it alone? No, you can't get an amen.
  • lutzsher
    lutzsher Posts: 1,153 Member
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    I married a man the 2nd time around that made less than half of what the first made. BEST decison I have made in my life. I still make more than he does but he has taken some courses and improved his salary in the meantime. He will likely never make as much as I do . . . but I don't care . . . and neither does he.
    We just celebrated 15 years together a few days ago and I have never been happier in my life.

    Yes, love is not everything but neither is money. When you meet the person that your heart craves nothing will hold you back.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
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    YOU GOTS TO WATCH OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN, SINCE MONEY WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOU HAPPY. AMIRIGHT? CAN I GET AN AMEN?
    That's not what I'm saying? No, you're not right. It's not about the money. I'm just scared if I go on with my goals of buying a house, etc and he isn't ready financially then can I do it alone? No, you can't get an amen.
    BOO! :cry:
  • YouAreTheShit
    YouAreTheShit Posts: 510 Member
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    Yes, love is not everything but neither is money. When you meet the person that your heart craves nothing will hold you back.

    Well there you go... I think that says it all.
  • cjpg
    cjpg Posts: 433 Member
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    If a person is falling for another person and it feels like the friendship could possibly turn into more but you feel like the person you're falling for has nothing to offer, how do you handle that?

    He's sweet, loving, attractive and all of the above. Takes care of his mom. She lives with him. He's only 28 and I'm 25. Has a crappy job without the intent of changing that and doesn't make very good money at all but he is happy in that situation.

    I am beginning to love him. I know he likes me. I'm scared of falling for somoene that his Mom lives with him and doesn't care about making decent money to take care of self or girlfriend/wife one day.

    I have goals and plans. I want to move out of town in a couple years and buy a condo and go to cosmetology school. How am I suppose to be with someone that is content sitting at home all of the time and not bettering himself financially, especially in this world today.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is we have different goals in life but we like each other. How do you handle that or do you??

    If you're truly falling in love with someone, material things don't matter. You'd want to be with that person no matter what. That's definitely not saying there aren't compromises and discussions on your goals along the way, but the material things don't compare to how that person's being connects with yours.

    Falling in love with someone is a bond that death cannot break. If you're getting tied up over his job or which house he lives and who he lives with, then even if it is the starting point to what love CAN be, it isn't yet.

    My advice is to take your time. Things will get clearer the longer you have to judge by.

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