Friends who ...

rainbobrite929
rainbobrite929 Posts: 116
edited October 6 in Motivation and Support
What is your advice ... I have two big problems with my "friends" (I put that in quotes because sometimes their behavior is VERY unfriendly) ...

My friends either:
- ignore me for weeks at a time
- when we do get together, they make snide comments about my weight loss. quite hurtful "left handed" compliments mostly but snide nonetheless. (ex. "Wow, that shirt looks terrific on you now that you've lost some weight." - The shirt looked FINE before ... it actually looks bad now that I've lost weight).

How do I handle this? Are these people worth keeping or are they too damaging?

Replies

  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Honestly, that is for you to decide. I dismiss a lot of that crap that I get from family and friends as I think most of them do not realize how hurtful it sounds. I hear all the time "You don't need to lose anymore weight" when I know perfectly well that I am still obese.

    Do these friends bring anything positive to the friendship? How long have you known them? How close are you to them? How will you feel if they are not a part of your life? How are their remarks affecting you?

    All of these things you need to ask yourself before you make that decision.
  • judynunes
    judynunes Posts: 43 Member
    My opinion if they hurt you they are not your friends, sometimes people say things without thinking and without knowing it will hurt your feelings speak to them about it let them know how you feel if they still act like they don't care then they are not friends you never know maybe they didn't mean nothing wrong by it is always good to be truthful with each other that's what friends do. I believe you should speak to them about it. good luck with that!!
  • 4lafz
    4lafz Posts: 1,078 Member
    Easy - find new and better friends. These people are not your friends!
  • moniquelessard
    moniquelessard Posts: 418
    Depends.. are you being over sensitive or are they really being A$$es?

    Any friend who can't support you through something that makes you happier and healthier is no friend at all.

    They could also be jealous...
  • pammbroo
    pammbroo Posts: 550 Member
    I find that the actions of "friends" like this have more to do with the way they feel about themselves, rather than the way they actually feel about you. You are changing, growing and moving forward...they probably are not. You are a reminder of what they are not doing.

    My advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. Wear it proud! Your true friends will be supportive and love the new you. The others? Well they will either fade away or they will come around eventually.

    Just don't let them get you down!
  • rainbobrite929
    rainbobrite929 Posts: 116
    Easy - find new and better friends. These people are not your friends!

    I've always been the "fat kid" so I've got the "fat kid" fear that if I am no longer friends with these people ... I will no longer have friends.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    My friends either:
    - ignore me for weeks at a time
    - when we do get together, they make snide comments about my weight loss. quite hurtful "left handed" compliments mostly but snide nonetheless. (ex. "Wow, that shirt looks terrific on you now that you've lost some weight." - The shirt looked FINE before ... it actually looks bad now that I've lost weight).

    How do I handle this? Are these people worth keeping or are they too damaging?

    Honestly I could care less if I dont hear from them. We all work and work crazy hours so if I dont hear from them, its never a big deal at all. Definitely not something I think about and dont care.

    The minute someone says something nasty, I dont hold back: I let them know right there it will not be tolerated and that they can leave right now... I dont take crap from no one; family, friends, coworkers.... no one.

    I would much rather NOT have people in my life if they are gonna be total numbnut-a**holes. I havent seen my mother in almost a year thanks to her negativity, her verbal abuse and her down-right nasty behavior. My husband cant stand her either. He cant even stand his own mother. Just recently dropped a friend a couple weeks ago who wouldnt stop with the nasty comments despite my telling her directly. She is no longer around despite her attempts at 'poking' me on Facebook and texting my phone.
  • moniquelessard
    moniquelessard Posts: 418
    Easy - find new and better friends. These people are not your friends!

    I've always been the "fat kid" so I've got the "fat kid" fear that if I am no longer friends with these people ... I will no longer have friends.

    Is that the only reason you're friends with 'these people'? I think you need to dig a bit deeper and think about what you get out of these relationships, and also about what you give. You may immediately see the actual value attached to each one... ;)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Easy - find new and better friends. These people are not your friends!

    I've always been the "fat kid" so I've got the "fat kid" fear that if I am no longer friends with these people ... I will no longer have friends.

    Don't worry about that. You will always be able to make new friends. My concern is that we can't know the full extent of your relationship with them. If I actually knew you and knew them, I could give you a better answer. Believe me, I am quick to tell people when their friends are treating them badly.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
    That just really stinks...the worst thing I have dealt with is people saying "Wow! You have lost a ton of weight." That one gets me every time. I want to say, "Actually, it was 40 pounds, but I am happy with that...a ton would be a bit too much..."
  • jamja
    jamja Posts: 190
    I have found some people are threatened by us who are on a weightloss journey so they act out In ways you all described. All I will say...find and keep supportive friends.
  • tamanella
    tamanella Posts: 500 Member
    Honestly, they don't sound like their your friends at all. If they were true friends to you then they wouldn't ignore you for long periods of time and then make fun of you when they are around. You need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up and encourage you to reach your goals, whether they are weight loss related or something else. It broke my heart to read this post. Feel free to add me as a friend and I will work hard to encourage and lift you up!!!
  • darlilama
    darlilama Posts: 794 Member
    My initial response is to yell "DITCH THEM!" Their remarks in no way make them your friends. However, giving them some benefit of the doubt, are they struggling with issues themselves, whether it be weight loss or something else? It seems to me they are now threatened by you in some fashion. If you have known these friends for a while, then you're the best judge as to whether or not they are worth the effort, but if you feel they are, then you should have some straight up honest talk with them. Tell them you would expect friends to be supportive, not hateful or snide. Ask them what is actually bothering them. If they are TRULY friends at heart that are struggling themselves, that should open up an honest conversation. If it doesn't… DITCH THEM!! :)

    Oh, what NOT to do, in my opinion… Don't tell them "Your snide remarks are hurtful to me. I don't understand why you would treat me this way. I thought we were friends." That's just throwing blood in the water and the sharks WILL smell it and respond accordingly.

    Best of luck to you! You should try to find more friends, anyway! Maybe look for some here that are in your same town and message them to see if they'd be interested in doing something. Or, use a fitness community to find some workout buddies (even if it's just a walking group). You're more likely to find the support you need there.
  • TheLuSir
    TheLuSir Posts: 1,674 Member
    It depends on what you define a friend as. My wife is going through a similar situation where her friend has been hanging out with other friends and trying to include my wife at the last minute (shows how close they are...). But they have been through a lot together and people need time apart to realize what they are missing.

    If your "friends" do not build you up in some way, shape, or form, they aren't your real friends. They are acquaintances that you share something in common with.
  • galvodka
    galvodka Posts: 102
    Jealous jealous jealous!!! Obviously you see now how hard it is to maintain healthy eating/exercise lifestyle and there are many people who are not emotionally strong enough to do it themselves. I have a few friends like that as well. I have thought about ditching them (as most people suggested on here)...but the truth is that I pity them. They are not completely bad people, they are just weak. Be wary of these friends and hope that your enthusiasm and positive influence can rub off on them.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I'm going to assume that the vibe you pick up from them is what causes you to feel this way because I don't see what's wrong with either of the 2 things you've listed. I'm a friend who doesn't bother to call very often. And if someone tells me I look better in the shirt now, I tend to believe they're not lying.

    So, if you truly feel something's amiss, distance yourself. Keep it movin'.
  • Puffins1958
    Puffins1958 Posts: 614 Member
    Easy - find new and better friends. These people are not your friends!
    DITTO!!!!
  • rainbobrite929
    rainbobrite929 Posts: 116
    I'm going to assume that the vibe you pick up from them is what causes you to feel this way because I don't see what's wrong with either of the 2 things you've listed. I'm a friend who doesn't bother to call very often. And if someone tells me I look better in the shirt now, I tend to believe they're not lying.

    So, if you truly feel something's amiss, distance yourself. Keep it movin'.

    I guess I didn't explain the "ignoring" well enough. There are 4 of us. And the dynamic is slightly strange because within the group me and 1 other are closer and the other two are closer to each other than with the two of us. But we're all still friends from elementary school days. I'll find out via facebook or a couple days later in conversation that the three of them are doing things together ... sans moi. Or that they "forget" to invite me (ex. There is a great Pompeii exhibit going on right now at the Boston Museum of Science. I recommended that we go (they didn't even know about it). I offered to purchase the tickets. I found out they went about two weeks ago without me ... from another acquaintance who just happened to run into them.) Things like that leave me heart broken.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I'm going to assume that the vibe you pick up from them is what causes you to feel this way because I don't see what's wrong with either of the 2 things you've listed. I'm a friend who doesn't bother to call very often. And if someone tells me I look better in the shirt now, I tend to believe they're not lying.

    So, if you truly feel something's amiss, distance yourself. Keep it movin'.

    I guess I didn't explain the "ignoring" well enough. There are 4 of us. And the dynamic is slightly strange because within the group me and 1 other are closer and the other two are closer to each other than with the two of us. But we're all still friends from elementary school days. I'll find out via facebook or a couple days later in conversation that the three of them are doing things together ... sans moi. Or that they "forget" to invite me (ex. There is a great Pompeii exhibit going on right now at the Boston Museum of Science. I recommended that we go (they didn't even know about it). I offered to purchase the tickets. I found out they went about two weeks ago without me ... from another acquaintance who just happened to run into them.) Things like that leave me heart broken.

    Thanks for the clarification. If I were in the same situation (and I have been), I'd find other things to do, people to be social with, etc. I don't like to cut people off because sometimes you pick up later on in life and you're better friends then. I just let people do their thing. If I step away they can't take advantage or exclude me.

    I went through this with my since-middle-school friends in my 20s. I thought, "Man, I had a kid and they stop coming around now that he's born." Or "They never call at all." Because my norm is weeks not days, it was like months had passed since they called. I just let them let go and stopped trying. I got busy with my baby. Later on, I got busy with the rest of my life. They would come or call for birthdays. Once their lives were more like mine, we caught up again and we're crazy close now.

    Sometimes you've just gotta set people free. For whatever reason, your paths are separating. It might not be a bad thing to accept that they don't know how to express to you why they're disconnecting and just let it happen peacefully. See what happens later. Good luck.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I'm going to assume that the vibe you pick up from them is what causes you to feel this way because I don't see what's wrong with either of the 2 things you've listed. I'm a friend who doesn't bother to call very often. And if someone tells me I look better in the shirt now, I tend to believe they're not lying.

    So, if you truly feel something's amiss, distance yourself. Keep it movin'.

    I guess I didn't explain the "ignoring" well enough. There are 4 of us. And the dynamic is slightly strange because within the group me and 1 other are closer and the other two are closer to each other than with the two of us. But we're all still friends from elementary school days. I'll find out via facebook or a couple days later in conversation that the three of them are doing things together ... sans moi. Or that they "forget" to invite me (ex. There is a great Pompeii exhibit going on right now at the Boston Museum of Science. I recommended that we go (they didn't even know about it). I offered to purchase the tickets. I found out they went about two weeks ago without me ... from another acquaintance who just happened to run into them.) Things like that leave me heart broken.

    Thanks for the clarification. If I were in the same situation (and I have been), I'd find other things to do, people to be social with, etc. I don't like to cut people off because sometimes you pick up later on in life and you're better friends then. I just let people do their thing. If I step away they can't take advantage or exclude me.

    I went through this with my since-middle-school friends in my 20s. I thought, "Man, I had a kid and they stop coming around now that he's born." Or "They never call at all." Because my norm is weeks not days, it was like months had passed since they called. I just let them let go and stopped trying. I got busy with my baby. Later on, I got busy with the rest of my life. They would come or call for birthdays. Once their lives were more like mine, we caught up again and we're crazy close now.

    Sometimes you've just gotta set people free. For whatever reason, your paths are separating. It might not be a bad thing to accept that they don't know how to express to you why they're disconnecting and just let it happen peacefully. See what happens later. Good luck.

    ^ I agree with this. Very good advice. I'm not much about keeping in touch with people. It is generally my nature to go my own way from my friends and check in with them at a later date. Most of my friends accept that about me and if they don't then I guess they have already moved on.
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