Heaviest Weight: 300-310lbs/Current Weight: 162lbs

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES!

Before I even get into what I am about to say, I have to say thank you to my husband Mark and my daughter Elizabeth for bearing with me while I was under construction. I would not have been able to get to where I am without your love and support. That goes out to everyone else in my group of family and friends that has lent their words of encouragement and support as well. I couldn't have done any of this without such an awesome group of cheerleaders.

365 days ago, I could never have imagined accomplishing the things that I have in just one short year. Well, I guess I could have imagined it, I've imagined what it would be like to be thin for most of my life, but I can't believe I actually did it. I see my new reflection several times a day and each time is like the first time, it's hard to describe, but it still doesn't feel like me.

People's reactions have been, for the most part, positive and supportive. It is weird sometimes though when I have to tell someone I've known for years, who I am. It's also a little strange talking about it so much in social settings. Someone will ask how I did it, what motivated me to do it and how much I've lost overall- the next thing I know I've been talking about myself for 5 straight minutes. I'm not use to the attention, so it feels odd, even though I do realize that I'm talking about it because I'm answering direct questions, not just talking to talk.

I am extremely proud of myself and I'm happy to talk about it or show someone before and after pics, but I'm constantly paranoid I will come off as conceited or full of myself. I am humbled by, and grateful for, this change so much more than I can explain. I am the polar opposite of conceited, and still have a lot of insecurities about my body, they're just different than they use to be. I don't mind the way I look in clothes now, but I feel like a hot mess when I take off my clothes. Mark tries to put things into perspective for me, when I look at myself and get upset that my breasts are smaller or that my stomach has so much extra jiggly skin, he will ask something like, would I rather have my big boobs again and be over 300lbs. It makes me realize how stupid I sound complaining to others, but it doesn't make the way I feel inside change.

The mental aspect of all of this is overwhelming. I have so many thoughts and emotions that I have a hard time processing them all. Having been heavy for more than half of my life, I still think that way. I keep thinking one day I'm going to wake up morbidly obese, as if this past year never happened.

I look at an old picture of myself and don't recognize myself, fat. I look in a mirror everyday and don't recognize myself, thin. It is as confusing as it sounds. I know I was morbidly obese for over a decade, so I identify with that mindset more, but the physical being that I see in those old pics, doesn't feel like me. I know that I'm now at a healthy weight, but because of that fat-girl mindset, I don't identify myself with the reflection I see in a mirror, it doesn't feel like me either. I sometimes feel lost.

Christmas night, Mark told me how nice I looked that day. I thanked him and told him it was the first time I can remember in my life that I really FELT pretty. I know many times in my life, heavy or not heavy, I've seen pics that I thought I looked pretty in or I've gotten dressed up and thought I looked pretty, but I never felt pretty. It was a big deal for me.

Changing the way I feel about me is more important than changing the way others feel about me or perceive me. I know I need to work on it going forward, and that will be something I try to accomplish in 2012. I don't think it will be as easy to reprogram my mind as it was to reprogram my body, but I'm determined to get there.