Whiskey, Pizza, Yoga, Suicide

I've been at it for 9 months. Who am I kidding? I've been at it since childhood, maybe earlier. Perhaps My mother was at it while carrying me in her womb, and her mother and so on...a legacy of struggle. I've come to terms with something I've always known as a general axiom of life but haven't wholly accepted until now; the quest for health is a life long commitment.

My entire life I've been unhealthy. In 2002 when I made my first real lifestyle change I was 260 lbs. I omitted processed junk, red meat, and other bull**** from my diet. I stopped drinking and partying. I consumed copious amounts of water and teas and juices. I walked everyday for two hours. I lifted weights occasionally, took up yoga, and became generally more conscious and aware of my body, the things I put into it and the way I used it. I altered my mind, my way of thinking to be more positive, more conducive to health. After a few months I was 190 lbs and felt physically and spiritually better than I've ever felt in my life. That was almost 10 years ago

That lifestyle lasted for about a year and before I knew it the calendar was flipping, the awareness was out the window, the pounds were packing on and the depression was setting in. Last April I stepped on the scale and it read '400'---exactly. It takes a lot for me to even admit that here. The cliche ; 'I wanted to die' doesn't even begin to do justice to what I was feeling but at the same time it summed it up exactly. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to give up on everything. I wanted to be dead. I started thinking of some of the best ways to kill myself and I soon realized I was too much of a ***** to really go through with it...which made me even sadder. If I couldn't die I couldn't go on living the way I was living so 9 years after my first real lifestyle change, it was time for another shift. (There were many false starts and failed attempts over the years but they don't even qualify as anecdotes here)

I went back to basics. I began walking everyday. Cut the bull**** from my diet, upped my water intake, started lifting weights again. I started keeping a food and exercise journal. And I found Bikram Yoga. Without getting into a dissertation as to how Bikram can save the world (which I'm totally convinced it can) I'll say this; Bikram changed my life. Never ever has any 1 thing I've committed myself to had such a rapid and positive effect on EVERY aspect of my life. My breath was deeper, thoughts clearer, my mind was calm. My body started changing instantly, tone and definition started to appear like someone was carving me out of wax. I was back on track. After 6 months I was down to 330 lbs and felt closer to my old self than ever before.

And I think right there I've put my finger on the problem. Who exactly is my old self? Is it the guy sweating buckets in a Bikram studio, swigging water by the gallon, going to bed at 9:00pm on a Friday night and swearing off drugs and alcohol? Or is the guy at the end of the bar with a bottle of whisky trying to figure out where to get a pizza at 4 AM? Because both those guys're me.

After my second paradigm shift earlier this year I lost focus. Lost 70 pounds put back on 20. Started drinking more, eating like crap, blowing off exercise and feeling a lot more like the latter of those 'old selfs' I mentioned. There's also of ton of peripheral psychological and emotional **** whirling around me but I'm not going to begin to blame one for the other or start a deluge of 'why me's' so I'll talk all the credit ---I just can't stay focused.

So, after all these changes, these shifts, these lessons I've awakened to that truth I mentioned earlier. That health..real physical, spiritual, and mental health is a lifelong commitment. What it boils down to is balance. Not extremism. Not giving up one way of thought for another but allowing yourself to be wide open for change. Giving yourself choices and not beating yourself up for making the bad ones. It's cliche...it's corny...it's elementary...it's the truth.

So, here ago...back on the journey, re-committed, re-focused, and balanced. Calibrated to achieve optimum health in all aspects of my life....ready to create the healthiest future for myself and the life I'm leading...and knowing full well that there will absolutely be whisky and pizza in that future.