struggling with being more attractive

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unicornassassin
unicornassassin Posts: 141 Member
in Motivation and Support
Pretty please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, ok? I'm exposing some vulnerabilities here, so I'd appreciate it if everyone would try their best to be kind. Thank you.

I've lost 73 pounds total. 40 in the last year. Dudes are looking at me. It's fun and cool, for the obvious reasons. But I'm a little uneasy because it's never really happened before, and for some other reasons. I just had a really nasty experience with a guy hitting on me- he had terrible boundaries, and the way that he approached me was incredibly creepy and it really, really upset me. I'm worried that there is more of this in my future. I still have a lot to lose yet, so I'm worried that if this is what I'm experiencing already, it's going to just get nasty.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings, and what helped you to deal with it and feel more comfortable with your body?
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Replies

  • Julieothree
    Julieothree Posts: 63 Member
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    Yes, I have experienced this. There are creeps all over the place, and they will hit on people no matter what they happen to weigh. You need to be confident and assertive when talking to everyone... not just guys. Set boundaries and make it clear to others what you think is appropriate. Don't let one loser get you down... keep up the great work and surround yourself with good people.
  • BodyUnderConstruction
    BodyUnderConstruction Posts: 82 Member
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    All you can do is brush it off. There's always going to be weird creepers. Overall just take it as a compliment! You're getting attention for your success! It might be uncomfortable at times, but as times goes on, it'll be less noticeable I'm sure. It's just a change and with change, you tend to notice it more. Congrats on your weight loss and keep it up! :)
  • jeninabilan
    jeninabilan Posts: 369 Member
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    You are beautiful! Congrats on all of your success so far! You look great!

    Yes, there probably is more of that in your future.. there are a lot of douche bags out there.. BUT from my experience, there are even more amazing guys out there! Sometimes you just have to sift through the bad apples to find a good one, but don't give up.

    Also, it sounds like you are still getting comfortable with the way you look and feeling good in your skin.. You need to love your new body to understand why other people do the things they do. sometimes guys just don't know how to control themselves ;) lol

    Keep your chin up girly! You will meet some amazing guys! Just kick the creepsters *kitten*.. lol
  • ElementalEscapee
    ElementalEscapee Posts: 552 Member
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    Yet another reason to learn self-defense and strength train xD but seriously, that's what I would do.....

    I SORT of know what you're going through............but when people look at me I always assume that they think I'm big and gross haha! I think there's just something about me that makes people not want to mess with me....maybe because I'm constantly scowling at this or that, or have a neutral expression, and I make eye contact with everyone around me...I also walk with a more or less confident stride. Perhaps I come off as intimidating. When I am with my veeeery skinny friend in the mall some people stare at her/us, and if I sense that they are potential creepers I just narrow my eyes and lift my chin up in a semi-challenging, "Yes? And you want what? There's nothing here for you to see. F*** off." XD I know it sounds odd but when I think back to those times that seems to be what I do. I don't think I answered your question, but that's what I do anyways around creepers. Plus they see that I have fairly strongish (lol not really but yeah) looking body, and I'm taller than say 5' 0, and most of the people where I'm at aren't that tall XD Good luck anyways.
  • cirellim
    cirellim Posts: 269
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    For starters congratulations on the loss quite impressive if I do say so myself. Second of all, looking at this from the other side I'd say I'm dealing with somewhat the same thing (but not exactly haha) I mean that I find myself somewhat nervous when it comes to approaching girls because I'm so used to being that chubby/fat guy that I just feel like I'd instantly get shot down. Whether or not this is the case is beyond me but just know that it plays out on both ends. I've definitely felt as if this has held me back quite a bit but on the same token I'm not the kind of guy to just walk up to a random girl and strike up a conversation. I don't ever want to be that creeper that girls so often talk about with their friends, just not my style.
  • dancing_cat
    dancing_cat Posts: 92 Member
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    Congratulations on your weight loss, it sounds like you're doing really well. I have these feelings too, especially when I was lighter and closer to a UK size 12 (US 8). A couple of people have mentioned boundaries and letting people know whats appropriate but what does this mean in practice? How you let men know they've overstepped without seeming rude or arrogant? What happens when its a creepy boss or co-worker that you don't want to be rude too?
  • unicornassassin
    unicornassassin Posts: 141 Member
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    For starters congratulations on the loss quite impressive if I do say so myself. Second of all, looking at this from the other side I'd say I'm dealing with somewhat the same thing (but not exactly haha) I mean that I find myself somewhat nervous when it comes to approaching girls because I'm so used to being that chubby/fat guy that I just feel like I'd instantly get shot down. Whether or not this is the case is beyond me but just know that it plays out on both ends. I've definitely felt as if this has held me back quite a bit but on the same token I'm not the kind of guy to just walk up to a random girl and strike up a conversation. I don't ever want to be that creeper that girls so often talk about with their friends, just not my style.

    You seem very uncreeperly to me, :smile:

    Yeah, I think it is definitely the same issue, just different side. I can identify with what you're saying- you still think of yourself as that fat dude.

    When I told a friend of mine who I've recently met that I used to be really overweight, she said "I would have never guessed you used to be fat." And I was kind of confused because I think I'm still fat, but I guess not really? What? And this REALLY insanely hot guy is interested in me and I think we're going out for coffee this weekend, and part of me is suspicious and wonders what the heck is wrong with him if he wants to go out with me... but then I realize it's because I'm an awesome person and I have a pretty awesome body now.

    It's weirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.
  • MsPinVa
    MsPinVa Posts: 29 Member
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    To add to everyone's congradulations - Congradulations!!

    Learn to be sassy! I didn't come up with my handle on my own. I understand where you are coming from, when you get a creeper, or a 'gentleman' starts acting out of line. Be abrupt and upfront that you will not tolerate or think their behavior is appropriate - and be a little loud about it. I do this especially at bars/clubs for bartenders and bouncers can hear me. Trust me, everyone will take notice.

    A simple "Excuse me?!" with the teacher, nasty look on your face will put most men in their place.
    Follow up with "I'm not interested, you can leave now" if they don't get the hint.
    Don't accept a drink offer right off, some guys think thats 'paying' for company, flirtation, and an excuse to.
    And if they ever ask why youre being that way, please tell them! lol

    You may seem rude, but that is because so many of us women have let this go on for too long, and there are far to few gentlemen to set an example. Hate to say it, but it's like raising children. Only accept your expectations.

    @ Dancing - I would laugh it off, and say "Too bad, we work together" "Or - you remind me of my brother/ cousin/ father" This is a tough situation.
  • Ephena
    Ephena Posts: 615 Member
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    Yes, I have experienced this. There are creeps all over the place, and they will hit on people no matter what they happen to weigh. You need to be confident and assertive when talking to everyone... not just guys. Set boundaries and make it clear to others what you think is appropriate. Don't let one loser get you down... keep up the great work and surround yourself with good people.

    ^^^This^^^
  • TiraDawn
    TiraDawn Posts: 5
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    The best thing you can do is KNOW YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES! Also, express them! This is a confidence issue, but be realistic with your expectations for attention. Its ok to turn it down. I'll say it again, Its ok to turn attention down. I KNOW what you are going through, oh so well. You don't need their validation to feel good, and you sure don't have to protect their feelings. If you don't want their attention, say thanks and good-bye. Be safe out there and great job!!!!
  • unicornassassin
    unicornassassin Posts: 141 Member
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    Congratulations on your weight loss, it sounds like you're doing really well. I have these feelings too, especially when I was lighter and closer to a UK size 12 (US 8). A couple of people have mentioned boundaries and letting people know whats appropriate but what does this mean in practice? How you let men know they've overstepped without seeming rude or arrogant? What happens when its a creepy boss or co-worker that you don't want to be rude too?

    Thanks! I think I'm really good at setting boundaries. This particular creeper had emailed me something odd, so this was what I emailed him back

    "J--- I feel some boundaries are getting a little blurry and I'm concerned about that. I'm not really happy with being in a position to have to clarify boundaries because it can be uncomfortable, especially with someone you don't know well.

    What kind of friendship are you looking for?"

    I didn't think that was rude, arrogant, or whatever. I felt really proud of myself. He turned even more into a weirdo after that email, but that's his problem. Well, it was my problem for a couple days when I was really upset about it, but now I feel better.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
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    Yes, I really enjoyed it at first and it did wonders for my confidence in the beggining. It's been creepy at times but you just kinda have to brush those off-they will be around regardless.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    Oh, I'm sure you'll get more of it (unfortunately). There are a lot of creepy a-holes out there. Just remember that a hot body and good looks does not mean he's not an a-hole, anymore than a no-so-hot body or not-so-great looks means he's not the guy of your dreams. And vice versa. If someone makes you uncomfortable in any way, it's best to avoid them.
  • christinajohnson
    christinajohnson Posts: 102 Member
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    Congrats on your successes!

    Be clear on what's acceptable and what's not if a guy approaches you. If someone approaches you in a creepy way be assertive and just say that you'd prefer they backoff. If you honestly feel threatened report it. A self-defense class is never a bad thing. As a single girl that's moved around and been on my own, away from family and friend support networks and familiar surroundings frequently, I feel like that kind of knowledge is vital anyhow.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    Apparently men find women who have lost weight more attractive than those who have always been thinner.

    I don't know. I don't get hit on, but I admit when I started losing weight I worried about the same thing. Not that I think I am attractive, but I used to get hit on a lot when I was in my 20s, and it seems to me that men have got more aggressive in their flirting in the last decade. Maybe I just notice it more now I have children to look out for.
  • Shishkeberry
    Shishkeberry Posts: 95 Member
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    There's nothing wrong with creepy dudes that a kick in the nuts won't fix.
  • unicornassassin
    unicornassassin Posts: 141 Member
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    Apparently men find women who have lost weight more attractive than those who have always been thinner.

    I don't know. I don't get hit on, but I admit when I started losing weight I worried about the same thing. Not that I think I am attractive, but I used to get hit on a lot when I was in my 20s, and it seems to me that men have got more aggressive in their flirting in the last decade. Maybe I just notice it more now I have children to look out for.

    I'm not sure what you mean by the men finding women who have lost weight more attractive than those who have always been thinner thing... I don't think that's true.... hmm.

    All I'm saying is, being looked at as an attractive woman is a new experience for me, and it's uncomfortable, and I'm trying to find ways to get used to it. I'm not trying to say that I think I'm hot stuff,. But losing 73 pounds is going to make a person hotTER stuff than they used to be.
  • unicornassassin
    unicornassassin Posts: 141 Member
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    There's nothing wrong with creepy dudes that a kick in the nuts won't fix.

    HA!
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    For starters congratulations on the loss quite impressive if I do say so myself. Second of all, looking at this from the other side I'd say I'm dealing with somewhat the same thing (but not exactly haha) I mean that I find myself somewhat nervous when it comes to approaching girls because I'm so used to being that chubby/fat guy that I just feel like I'd instantly get shot down. Whether or not this is the case is beyond me but just know that it plays out on both ends. I've definitely felt as if this has held me back quite a bit but on the same token I'm not the kind of guy to just walk up to a random girl and strike up a conversation. I don't ever want to be that creeper that girls so often talk about with their friends, just not my style.

    You look very uncreepy in your picture. Honestly, and awful as it sounds, if you are attractive, you pretty much won't be a creeper, we girls only don't like attention from people we don't want attention from! If you are pushing yourself on someone who is clearly not interested, that's when it becomes creepy.

    I really back off from people, male and female because I am terrible at judging when I am being over friendly or not, and am terrified of being seen as a pain. So I tend to keep everyone at arms length to be on the safe side, which is a sad way to live.
  • sylverkat
    sylverkat Posts: 55 Member
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    Congrats on the lose! It sucks that some guys are creeps. Having run into this from 120lbs - 199 lbs I can say at any weight it can happen. Ofcourse they are looking at you cause you are an attractive woman and probably feeling damn confident with such a great lose. Just ignore the creeps, take a self defense class...it's always good to know and keep hope up that the prince charming...he really is out there!

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