Trying to make it, ready to give up...

red_hatorade · January 2012

I am in an impossible situation. I am trying like hell to lose weight, but my one year old has flipped my world upside down. She wakes up at midnight every night screaming and inconsolable. She stays awake until 3 or 4 AM. I have to wake up with her dad at 6AM to see him off to work, so I am getting like no sleep. I nap when she sleeps, which is in the mornings after her dad leaves, but all day she is needy and getting into everything. I get like 5 hours interrupted sleep total per night, if I am lucky.

I am having a hard time getting housework done and am only able to do enough to keep my head above water. I have no family or friends nearby, which further adds strain. When her dad gets home, he is no help. He plays with her and occupies her for a few minutes then he is glued to one of his 4 technological devices. Yesterday under his watch she stuck her whole arm in a glass of milk. I caught her but stood there to see how long it would take him to notice. It was so long, I had to get her, and even after saying something he never looked up from his tablet to acknowledge me. Even now, I bet I could mention what she did and he'd act like he was hearing it for the first time. Anytime I say anything or ask him to take charge of her, he never does. I have to cook dinner and do dishes and watch her at the same time. If I contain her and put her in her high chair or pack n play, she screams bloody murder and drives me insane.

Needless to say i have zero me time to do anything. I deal with her all day, not even getting a break when he gets home. I have no time to exercise, and by the time I am done cooking his extravagant meal requests, I don't feel like spending an extra 30 minutes cooking for myself. How am I supposed to be successful in this weight loss game when I can't get adequate sleep and don't have any time to do anything for me? I am a zombie and my motivation for weight loss is really taking a plunge. I am ready to give up altogether...

ctalimenti · January 2012

Hey hang in there please. Things NEVER stay the same. The good nor the bad. This too shall pass. I remember those days but now my once little boy is a big boy and gone to college. I am now working extra to help with the tuition. Kids are never easy. You just trade one set of issues for the next.

carolineb81 · January 2012

Remember you dont have to exercise to lose weight, you need to create a calorie deficit which can be done through diet alone. I know how hard it is as I have a 2yr old & a 6 month old. I exercise when they are napping which you could do once sleep issues are sorted out xx

ironanimal · January 2012

You're an adult. So is he. If he's being a ****, tell him. If he can't appreciate the difficulty of looking after a child, insist you go and stay at a friend's for a weekend without him or your daughter.

Quoting here:

My Inspirations

I want to be a healthy role model for my daughter.
I want to be someone my fiance can be proud to be seen with.
I want to feel better about myself.
I want to get off my high blood pressure medication.

All excellent reasons. However, if your fiance is that unsupportive, are you produ to be seen with HIM or do you really need to give his *kitten* a good kick? I'm a guy and I think his attitude is unacceptable. He needs to realise that, too.

ItsMeRebekah · January 2012

Dont give up! This is only a hurdle.. I know this sounds crazy, but i would put my small kids in the back packs and cook and clean and do so many chores around the house when they were small.. I also would put them in strollers and take them for a walk every single day.. Mostly for THEM! They loved to be outside and get the fresh air.. Remember, this is not going to be forever, its only a small portion of their toddler life they are like this.. Add me if you need friends!

caitlinsmom07 · January 2012

I'm sorry I know what this feels like. Don't overwhelm yourself with a complicated diet. Instead focus on getting rest when you can and maybe eating smaller portions of what you cook for him and add some fruits and veggies to your day. Fruits and veggies are easy if you have them cut up and have them in the fridge and ready to go. And as the previous poster said that things never stay the same. It will get better.

cloud2011 · January 2012

Wow, that sounds very frustrating. I remember when my kids were small and my husband was sometimes so busy, I felt all alone in raising them.

I understand wanting to keep up with the housework, etc. Try to take care of yourself first. The housework will always be there. I think it's great you're napping when your little one is sleeping.

And, when you're not feeling annoyed about your husband's lack of help or attention, can you talk to him about what you need from him?

Some guys need to be told explicitly what you need. He also might be decompressing when he gets home, and may not know that you're as stressed as you are. He's been at work all day, with other adults and coffee breaks. Work has its own stress, but it's also a more adult-friendly environment. On top of that, a lot of people assume that staying home is "easy."

I've done both -- been a stay-at-home mom and work-outside-the home mom. Both have their stresses, but staying home was sometimes a lot more stressful because there are days when it feels there is no relief.

Hang in there, and keep taking care of yourself. Don't give up!

StrongGwen · January 2012

sounds like you need to get some help from somewhere just to get some rest first, before you can think of much else! Your husband is stuck in the past, about 50 years ago when Men worked and women did everything with kids and house and cooking--he needs to get with this century. If you can't get him to change his behaviors and do a little more to have a partnership with you (this IS his daughter too, right? ) maybe you can buy child care for a few hours a week just to sleep. I can't imagine how you must feel. when baby is fussy, can you maybe carry her around outside to at least get some sunshine for yourself? might make her feel better too, I don't know.

Babies need to bond with both parents, and that means spending time together from the beginning. There is no 2nd chance.

Articeluvsmemphis · January 2012

I am tempted to laugh, not to be cruel, but because I understand what you are going through, {in a way}.

I have nieces and a nephew and both of my siblings are single parents, and it is funny because men really do like to play with the kids, but not really take care of them if they don't HAVE to, which means that if you are in the vicinity, then you HAVE to. I say if you leave the house and the baby with the father then he has no choice but to at least act or pretend that he cares about your weight loss goals. (which means you need to tell him what your goals are)

this nighttime screaming, the simple fact that you come in a rescue her every night from absolutely nothing is what keeps her crying. just let her cry, she will stop. my nieces and nephew have all had their spells of crying for no reason, not sick, not wet, not hungry, not in pain, so they will just have to cry, see how long that will last. if all fails take her to the doctor, but that's a waste of time in my book, they laughed when we brought my niece they said she was 2 and that's what they do at that age.

and since you are the controller of the food in the house, you can make your husbands request a bit more healthy, and if he wines about that, just eat smaller portions, weight loss is primarily nutrition. keep plenty fruit and vegetable around, drink plenty water and you should be okay.

maybe get a stroller so when you and the baby are up together you can do outside for a walk

Kazcor · January 2012

if the original begs routine, and order the photocopy will do the same!!

Get your daughter into a routine and stick to it. It may take a little while but as the parent you must maintain control. Have a word with you healthvisitor/doctor for help/support.

Communicate with your partner and tell him how you feel and how you need extra help and support until things have improved. Again, take control and assertively communicate this.

As far as your goals are concerned. After years of jumping on and off the 'wagon', I now realise all the times when I was not moivated to continue was because I did not want it bad enough. I hated those words when people use to say them to me 'you don't want it bad enough' but it is so true. Nothing is as good as being fit, healthy, slimmer, lighter, leaner, more toned, more attractive, sexier....to name just a few.

My life now resolves around my goal! if I cannot get to the gym, or time is limited, or I am tired. I still can fit in 10 mins of exercises, 3 times a day. If i am watching TV, I have dumbells in my hand. Try putting ankle and wrist weights on and off during the day so you are exercising as you do everyday tasks.

There is always a way to stick to your goal, whatever your circumstances....if you really want it!

njoithomp · January 2012

I'm a tough love sort of person so I may sound harsh in my reply to you but its totally out of concern and to give you ideas to fix this problem. I'm going to say that if you tell yourself you are in an "impossible situation", then it will continue to be that way until you think of it as a situation that you can definitely work through because NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

First, you need to sit down with your husband and come to some agreements. He may not realize at all what he's doing wrong and if you don't actually TELL him in a nice loving way, he's probably a typical man and may never get it on his own. Let him know how you want to look good for him by losing weight and he will probably buy into your plan and help rather than ignore the situation. Then you can get him to agree to watch the baby away from the TV or computer for 1-2 hours per day after work. You can even tell him to take her on daddy-daughter dates like the park, play area, mall, etc.

Second, regarding your daughter waking up at night - perhaps you need to just go console her and lay her back down to go to sleep instead of staying up with her while she's crying. It will be hard at first but then she will learn to go back to sleep on her own. As long as she's safe, doesn't need a diaper change, not sick, and its not meal time - she'll be fine. Its probably just a phase for her as babies and kids go through many of them growing up. Also, if your baby is not awake when your husband leaves, perhaps you can see him off 2-3 days per week instead of each day. If you make his lunch, make it at night and let him know where it is so he can grab it himself in the morning before he leaves.

For the elaborate dinners you talked about, you can cook on the weekends for the week ahead of time and just warm stuff up during the week to give you more time to work out or sleep or whatever you need to do during the week besides cooking.

Lastly, if you have any extra money in your budget, you can find a place to take your daughter during the daytime so you can workout for a couple of hours or attend a gym that has daycare included. I used to work in a gym daycare and most of the time the people who work there have kids themselves and are gym members who work for the free gym membership and often they are very caring towards the kids in the gym daycare. OR, you can find a stay-at-home mommy close to you who would like to swap child-care hours so that she can have some time to herself as well. Then you can take turns watching each others kids so the other can have time for herself to workout or get some stuff done. If that's not an option, then look online and join a mommy group so you can commune with other women in your same situation and get ideas from them. OR, you can do a mommy-and-me fitness class and that may help your daughter to be calmer at night also.

I hope this all helps you. I feel for you and really want to see you succeed. You can do this. Just start thinking SOLUTIONS and not impossible.

auticus · January 2012

I was going to post a lengthy reply but njoithomp sums up my thoughts so I'll just say ^^^. Other then the man are clueless part. Which is about as accurate as saying all women are money loving ******.

Often times when a partner of either sex starts taking advantage or thankless, it is because the other one lets them by not saying anything. (believe it or not, women can be just as clueless)

Good luck

firstcampgirl · January 2012

I didn't have much help when my children were small. It is try that the days are long for you now but the years are short and this will change. Your child will become more independent.

Can you connect with some other moms? I join a moms group at my church and it provided some wonderful friendships and we could support one another, trade off childcare and encourage each other.

I HAD to have "safe" snack foods in the house to keep me from eating lots of junk. I have so little self control with some foods that I would prefer not to have them in the house at all. But, if I have fruit and other good foods handy, it helps me to stay on track.

Another idea, go for a walk with your daughter in a stroller. For as long as she'll tolerate, odds are good that if you can squeeze in even a brief walk a few times a week, you will feel better for it.

Hang in there, I have been in a similar situation and it is tough.

lovinbeinold · January 2012

It isn't easy having small children. Please keep in mind that they do grow up and this is temporary. It will get better. Believe me. I gave birth to four children in five years, and sometimes it was just so hard.

As for your husband. First, what time in the morning does your baby wake up? If she sleeps past his leaving for work, why do you have to get up to see him off to work? Have a talk with him about it, because sleep is so important to health.

Be certain you are eating nutritiously. Whether you diet or not, be sure it is nutritious. As tired as you are, too much work out exercise might be counter productive, so concentrate on getting through the day and getting good nutrition. And talk to your husband about your need for sleep. Perhaps in the morning you could get an hour or two more if he can get himself off to work.

sassafrasy · January 2012

Take one step at a time. Sort out your challenges. I think the first challenge is to figure out a plan to help your child sleep through the night. Ask your pediatrition advise for better sleeping patterns. NO SLEEP WILL MAKE A PERSON CRAZY!
I know this is difficult, I have twins that are two. My husband and I both work full-time and farm. I work out in the mornings at 5 am. Everyone is different, you just need to decide what works best for you.
Hang in there. Nothing stays the same forever!

Missjilly1025 · January 2012

This sounds like a tough situation. I have to agree with the PP losing weight is about diet not exercise. Start with what you are eating. You can always make salads and wraps which take 5 minutes to throw together. Also, the stroller walk idea is great. I try to take my little man out everyday and usually burn about 200 calories.

Good luck and just remember this too shall pass.

louisebear · January 2012

I understand where your coming from and i know its hard, I have a son who is now four he has special needs as he doesnt talk or walk and my life is very hard too. Have u tried getting ur daughter into a routine? I found it helps, as children get very bored at home, forget about the house work forget about ur husband TOO AND I MEAN IT!!! i sometimes havn't anytime to tidy or make dinner as my son is very demanding sometimes and yes its exhausting. Your hubby has to learn that ur not super women and u need his help. I find it very relaxing to pop my son in his buggy and take him out for a push about and make it a routine, every day at the same time it will give u something too look forward to or even the park. get ur daugther tired and she might get an afternoon nap in.....

wannabehealthy1980 · January 2012

Wow..... That is a hard situation.
Not to be an *kitten*, but add a full-time job to it, 2 more young children, 2 hours less sleep a night, more housework from 2 other kids and not being able to afford a car being exposed to all kinds of temps / weather everyday for 70 miles to it.

My wife and I both work full-time, care for 3 kids and always make time for each others gym time, R&R time. It's a team effort for sure - but I can't see how if your home all day why you couldn't take a nap in the afternoon. Look into a gym with a child care center in it, they don't cost much or at least ours doesnt. Leave the baby to cry - its something that you have to do. It won't last for long if you dont go get her everytime. We just learned what cries were important, and what cries were just I don't want to be tired but I am cries

Talk to your husband and tell him what you need.
Take control of your life or misery will continue to control you!

Good Luck!!!

kcmg0730 · January 2012

I am going to bypass the weight loss advice because I can't BELIEVE that no one is commenting on the fact that you are running around like a maniac while your husband does NOTHING!! He may work outside the home, but he is your child's PARENT, not a babysitter....he doesn't get to decide not to help.

So, you STOP making him elaborate dinners (you need to keep meals very simple and healthy...if he wants something different, the HE can cook for himself) and doing everything for him...he is not a child! When he gets home from work, you say 'I am going for a walk/run/to the gym", whatever, and you leave. You are allowing him to run you ragged, and it isn't fair.

Sorry, but allowing dads to be optional parents really gets my goat...his techno stuff can wait until the baby is in bed.

wannabehealthy1980 · January 2012

I understand where your coming from and i know its hard, I have a son who is now four he has special needs as he doesnt talk or walk and my life is very hard too. Have u tried getting ur daughter into a routine? I found it helps, as children get very bored at home, forget about the house work forget about ur husband TOO AND I MEAN IT!!! i sometimes havn't anytime to tidy or make dinner as my son is very demanding sometimes and yes its exhausting. Your hubby has to learn that ur not super women and u need his help. I find it very relaxing to pop my son in his buggy and take him out for a push about and make it a routine, every day at the same time it will give u something too look forward to or even the park. get ur daugther tired and she might get an afternoon nap in.....

I so respect anyone who cares for a special needs child, I just can't imagine the demands it must place on you.
I wish you all the best!

wannabehealthy1980 · January 2012

I am going to bypass the weight loss advice because I can't BELIEVE that no one is commenting on the fact that you are running around like a maniac while your husband does NOTHING!! He may work outside the home, but he is your child's PARENT, not a babysitter....he doesn't get to decide not to help.

So, you STOP making him elaborate dinners (you need to keep meals very simple and healthy...if he wants something different, the HE can cook for himself) and doing everything for him...he is not a child! When he gets home from work, you say 'I am going for a walk/run/to the gym", whatever, and you leave. You are allowing him to run you ragged, and it isn't fair.

Sorry, but allowing dads to be optional parents really gets my goat...his techno stuff can wait until the baby is in bed.

I agree with you on this, neither mom nor dad should get a free pass on home responsibilities just because they make the most, or are the only parent working outside the home. This really pisses me off to!

However - Everyone in my family criticized my sisters husband for being a lazy bad father to in a situation exactly like this, until we went over and saw how things really were. My sister whined alot about him - but then anytime he attempted to do anything at all to help, she tore his ways of doing it apart, criticized the way he did it and then would even go so far as to do it again in certain situations. So things aren't always as they appear - I learned he did nothing at home because of the way she responded, yet she was the first one complaining to everyone about having to do everything.

Certainly not implying its going on in this situation but I just hate when people whine about problems without attempting a solution at all. Which is why I know I'll never be a manager lol....

Trying to make it, ready to give up...

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