Painful But True, Self Sabotage

I really am not concerned if anyone wants to or takes the time out to read this, but I would appreciate if anyone did.

Self Sabotage, what is it? Where do I get it from? And How do I conquer it?

These are the questions that I have asked myself over the past year or so and have failed to come from answers, but with some more in depth pondering I am beginning to come up with real answers.

Growing up, I was confused. The disgust and guilt that came along with my father commenting on how “sexy” I was while sitting on his lap at the age of 11, telling me how he would never “molest” me
while he would sleep in my bed at night despite the fact there was no need to. Paired with my mother’s constant reminders of how because I had breasts and was fat (I was only 5’2 and 110lbs) at
the age of 12 I could no longer play like the other girls my age; these early (smaller) incidents killed my
sense of self. I became a depressed person whose only way of attempting to become happy was through self sabotage (eating uncontrollably, suicidal thoughts, etc.).

Self sabotage for me comes from child hood. I am terrified of again becoming that girl who is too young with a shape that is too old. I do not want to be the center of attention, I do not want men (especially men who are older or are not "typical") to pay attention to me. During puberty my interaction with others, female and male, were stunted by my physical appearance. I was often designated as only a sexual being with guys and a “big boobed *****” among the girls. I also learned how to use my body to get what I want and the power of sexual attraction, more like the power of lust.

Nearly 10 years after all of that has passed the feeling of insecurity and not being good enough has stuck with me. Despite separating myself from my biological family (except for my youngest sister), being with someone who I love to death, and building a network of people who I can call family and love as though I have known them all my life, I still struggle with my self esteem. I often have trouble believing that my boyfriend of three years even finds me attractive and sometimes I cannot even FATHOM the fact that he stayed with me when I was 180lbs and being a pure insecure *****. I feel as though I am not good enough for him because he is a smart, promising, attractive young man who gets hit on physically and intellectually (if you know what I mean) by damn near everyone he comes into contact with. I feel the same tension with others such as my younger sister, or any of those who are close to me.

There are times I believe I am not good enough. That I will never measure up to those around me no matter how skinny I am, how great I look in a swimsuit, how long my hair is, or how bright my eyes are.
Yet, at the same time I know that if I do become slim and grow my hair out, I will be held to a higher standard. A standard that says “Yes I can control my life and the things that I want to do with my body”. A standard that says “Yes, I worked very hard to get what I want, I deserve what I have and I will continue to be the woman I choose to be”.

By accomplishing my goal of losing the weight, I will relinquish all control from those in my past and move on to become an individual. At times I am scared of this new individual because I have no idea who she is. Is she someone the people around me will not be able to handle? Is she super *****? Is she wild and crazy? Is she everything that I have failed to be in my past? Is she the key to my happiness? And if so, will I be able to keep up with this new Me? Will I be able to handle the demands and pressures that come along with being more “attractive” more confident, and in turn, more dominant?

Besides from the physical, I know I am an awesome person. I am admirable, personable, all those great things that we should strive to be, but at times I feel bad for believing it. I feel bad for believing that I have courage, I am a survivor, I am strong, and that I am just overall a great person. I find myself backtracking because I don’t believe I am entitled to claim these characteristics because if I was so strong, I would be able to have ALL parts of my life in order. My physical appearance would reflect my inside feelings and I would not be a block in the road to my own success.

I know that my future is in my own hands and now that I have begun to explore my own history and reasons that allow me to keep myself down. I have to always remember that I am successful even on the days when I hate myself the most and decide to pig out on whatever I get my hands on. I always have to remember that no matter what, I am Teria, I am beautiful, and I am worth it.

Welcome to my first steps of eliminating self sabotage and I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me.