How would you handle these situations?

Mythel · January 2012

I'm gonna outline two different situations I've noticed. I'm looking for feedback on how you would handle it? Would you say something or keep your mouth shut?

Obviously if you joined MFP and have acquired friends you are looking for support but as "friends" should we also be chastening you? And I'm not talking about the little stuff. We all times when we don't hit our goals or slip a little. Please read the two situations below:

Situation A: The "Overachiever"

This is the person who on a daily basis under consumes. I'm not talking by a little bit but by a lot. They are always under a 1000 calories and usually closer to 600-750. Every day. This is not taking into consideration their daily exercise either...this person also works out and burns about 500-600 calories a day. They are thrilled because over the last 10 days they have lost almost 11 pounds. But they are basically starving themselves. I have noticed other people making subtle comments about consuming more but no one has come right out and said "eat something!" I do not know this individual personally and only vaguely know them through MFP so I don't want to jump to any conclusions but it's sending up warning flags like crazy.

Situation B: Not Even Trying

This person laments on daily basis how they have lost nothing since joining. They seem very enthusiastic and talk about how thrilled they are to have such a good support system. However they do little to no exercise (not a crime in itself) and when you look at their daily food diary they are consuming 3500-4000 calories daily. Going by their diary there does not seem to be any attempt to curb their eating/calories (almost all the meals are fastfood). I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but when you say you can't understand why you are not losing weight and yesterdays lunch alone was 1500 calories (2 cheeseburgers, fries with cheese, a large soda and a piece of pie) isn't kinda of obvious? And if it's not obvious how do I tell that person without sounding preachy? Again I don't personally know this individual and maybe they have cut back from an even more caloric laden diet. So do you say something or not?

And just to be clear...in no way do I feel that I am perfect or that the health/diet/exercise choice I have made are the best or even fit everyone. I'm only looking for guidance and do not want to overstep or hurt anyone.

bahacca · January 2012

If these were people on my friends list, I'd call them out on it. If they don't want to hear the truth, then they can delete me as a friend. We are here for support, but I also wish someone would give me a quick dose of reality every so often if I'm falling off the wagon.
Maybe send them some links about the ill effects of undereating/how the body loses weight--like calories in vs calories out, etc.

jahnlaw · January 2012

I agree withto Bahacca. I would be extremely appreciative if anyone did this to me. Some people might prefer a private msg instead of a post. Actually I would kind of expect my MFP friends to say something. I suppose we are usually friends here for one reason only right?

Photoology · January 2012

I say... step up and speak up...

I personally believe in being honest and truthful. If you find your friend's diary to be "off," offer them suggestions and tell them point blank that you are concerned and they need to look into what they are doing. They may or may not take your advice and they may not be to keen to talk to you again, but if you do feel that strongly about their days, then you should speak up. Everyone always says true friends will remain and that also works with those you dont know on MFP. If you don't feel you can talk to them and it really does bother you, why are you friends with them? I know I sound harsh, but honesty is best. Remember though, there may be a reason they are eating so little (perhaps a doctor's recommendation?) or so much (perhaps a cheat day for them)... but again, be upfront about your feelings with that friend(s).

jbeauchamp1 · January 2012

I have a friend that is honest when I don't eat enough fruits/veggies or drink enough water. I remember the first time she said something my first selfish response to myself was who does she think she is but after I sat there and read it again I was very happy that she was actually watching what I do. So many people give light hearted praise to their friends without even looking at their diaries or seeing what they actually did. I actually enjoy the honesty and I have been that honest with friends of mine as well but in a very kind way. Never made anyone mad that I know of if anything showed them I was watching and I cared.

iuangina · January 2012

I think you should tell them what they need to hear. I especially think it's important to tell the person who is under consuming each day. That's just dangerous. It's a totally different issue if they can't eat back all their exercise calories (I have a lot of trouble with this), but consuming less than 1000 calories is scary.

kimbly71 · January 2012

Yikes! I would definitely send them a private message with information regarding under-eating. Stress that you are providing the information as a friend and that while it feels great to lose weight, if you lose it in an unhealthy way you will most likely gain it back and become discouraged.

debloves2ride · January 2012

All of my friends outside of MFP say if you want an upfront honest answer ask Deb. well, that's what I think about support and everything on MFP. If someone asks for my opinion then they are going to get it. Not in any way am i perfect or anything, but don't ask if you don't want an honest answer.

determinedsocialworker · January 2012

Hey.. I under ate my calories one day and someone said "good job but you're pretty far under" and then I felt okay to comment that it was a one off due to timing and definitely not a regular thing.. it's good to have someone comment.. I sometimes see people over-counting their calories burned and wonder if I should ask them about it but I usually just kind of wait it out and see. I think what everyone else said is totally right.. the person overeating probably knows they are, but maybe they don't have all the education and know how much of a deficit needs to exist to lose 1 pound, etc.. educating them in a nice way is going to help them in the long run and maybe they're not quite ready to fully commit, and that's okay, but at least they'll know what fully committing even looks like... Good luck.

Mskckaye · January 2012

Well situation #1 it does appear that they are starving themselves, thus causing the weight to come off, but the question that I would ask is...do they intend to maintain that type of caloric intake of consuming well below the healthy recommended daily amount....that may cause some other harm to the body.

Situation #2...I would mention to this person a healthy choice in items from the fast food resturant that they visit. Some do offer lower calorie options vs the 2 cheeseburger fries soda and dessert. But they have to be willing to make these changes, no matter what you say to them...they have to want to change and as it stands from what you listed they may not be ready.

lme0627 · January 2012

oh great answers! I want you all as friends-lol! I like straight forwardness!

DenverKos · January 2012

If these were people on my friends list, I'd call them out on it. If they don't want to hear the truth, then they can delete me as a friend. We are here for support, but I also wish someone would give me a quick dose of reality every so often if I'm falling off the wagon.
Maybe send them some links about the ill effects of undereating/how the body loses weight--like calories in vs calories out, etc.

I agree, too. There are a couple of people who sent me friend requests who don't eat enough, complain they are tired, and aren't losing weight, "Why? why isn't this working?" so I posted that by looking at their diary, they aren't eating enough and need to step it up (outside of those who have had surgery or medical reasons for limited caloric intake).

I also have a friend (family member) on the site who contacted me for help and motivation, so when she doesn't log in for a couple of days, I do ask her what's up and try to motivate her. She had one bad day of eating, then didn't log in for 3. The one day wasn't that big of a deal since she had been doing so well for a couple of weeks. I just reassured her that she can't throw it all away for one day, that it was only one meal and we all need to splurge occasionally, and that it doesn't hurt you if you're doing well in the grand scheme of things to help her get back on track and not feel guilty.

Another thing I noticed, when it pops up "under calorie goal" is that a lot of people start posting "WTG!" "Good job!", etc. yet, like you said, some of these people are WAY under calories. If they had a big workout and ate all their regular calories and half of the exercise calories, then yes, that's a good job. But when they didn't do anything and just don't eat, why do people encourage that behavior with "WTG!"?

Yet, when people are over their calories, no one says anything? I look at the diaries, and someone who is less than 100 calories over is still doing a good job to me. These are guidelines, and I find it pretty hard to make my calories exactly equal what my allotment is. So if someone is slightly over their amount, and ate well, maybe exercised, then they get a "WTG" from me.

flimflamfloz · January 2012

Well, I would put it this way:
- As a person who needs to speak up, just speak up. Then people who don't want to hear about you will remove you from their friend list, and thus you will only have people who are OK with hearing a few comments in your friend list.
- The people who removed you will only have friends who don't comment on their friend lists, so everyone is happy!

30yearssincebikini · January 2012

I don't know. I got blasted in another thread for being honest so maybe in my opinion, I would not answer the thread. If it's something that is repeated day in and day out, then I have to assume that the person knows what's going on. He/she is tracking calories, so they MUST see that they are eating too much. And not exercising enough. It's not rocket science. So I would not say anything. But, that's just me.

ChickenTuna · January 2012

Bring it to there attention in a private email and not in an open post.

Mythel · January 2012

Thank you everyone! Great responses! For the person under-eating I sent a private message about my concerns...I was told to mind my own business and was unfriended.

As for the other person I will try some gentle (and if that doesn't work some not so gentle) nudges to encourage them to look at what they are eating and see where changes need to be made. I understand that it can be hard to change eating habits that you have had for years and that it can be a big step.

Thank you all again!

DenverKos · January 2012

Good for you! They must not have been looking for honest support and concern. It's another thing to reply "Thanks for your concern, but .... whatever the reason." But to unfriend you - that's a bit harsh when you say you want support.

How would you handle these situations?

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