LOVE HIM OR LET HIM LEAVE???
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You lost me at infidelity... Ive been with my husband since I was 18 years old and if he EVER cheated on me, I would be done.
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EXACTLY what i was thinking before i even read this.0 -
I think you know what you need to do, but nothing comes easy. You did mention infidelity and from what Im reading, it sounds like hes making excuses to fight /argue. It sounds like this man doesnt care much. I wish you the best of luck with the choices you decide to make.0
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My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Maybe what you're really looking for is validation that it's ok to stick it out......In this day and age there is a stigma in staying with anyone who doesn't treat you like gold. he sounds a lot like my guy... he's a nightmare of insecurities and bad temper and he ain't too bright either
..... But I love him, and I know how much he loves me and needs me and I know how safe I am with him..... Most days I love him more than I want him..... Most days he's more trouble than he's worth and I'm tired of defending it to the world. And some days I need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with this *kitten* because it's not worth throwing everything away over a can of tuna.... ( inside joke)
For whatever reason I'm with this person, and I know that as horrible as he can be, it's usually because he isn't getting enough of me. He's like a small child throwing a tantrum because he can't get the peg in the hole when he's really just overtired and needing a nap. And thats when I know how much I love him, cuz instead of having my own tantrum, I bundle him up, pat him on the back and sing him a lullaby till he is content again.... sometimes it's exhausting..... but I honestly love him, not teenage, love you forever baby kinda love, but adult love.... that means he comes before I do.... and its coming back in spades 0 -
All of it comes down to his control issues. If he's willing to work through it, and you still want to work through it, there is only one issue here that I can see. I would never leave a job for that because it would sure put you in a bad position and he's thrown you under the bus a few times. But, if you want to, AND he's willing to get help, he has some BIG TIME control issues. BTW that is a kind of abuse.0
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Normally I don't get invovled in issues like this, especially when I don't know the person who's asking for advice, but I just have to chime in on this one. Let me start out by saying this....WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I don't want to judge your man because of his past, however, Maya Angelou once said...When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. It seems like your man has shown you that he is selfish, inconsiderate, a cheater, and unconcerned with your needs. Of course, I'm on the outside looking in and I can only go off what you have shared with us here, but if all of these things are true, you are NOT in a healthy relationship. I know that love and history is probably what is making you stay. But believe me, it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Yes you have kids together, yes you live together (I assume), yes you have shared expenses together, but NONE of that equates to a healthy relationship. What does equate to a healthy relationship is two people who are committed to achieving common goals and who contribute wholeheartedly to the needs of the relationship. Now on to YOU....You mentioned that you had/have some self-esteem issues. I think the reason that you have allowed this behavior is perhaps because you don't value yourself enough to realize that you deserve and NEED better. At this point, you both need individual counseling to work on your own separate issues and then if the relationship is to survive, maybe you can do couples counseling. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you put the needs of your children first. They do not need to be in this unhealthy environment. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. I know this is not an easy decision to make, but your life and sanity depends on a quick decision. If you want to talk more, I am willing to inbox you my email address.0
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This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!
AGREE!!! I Could not have said this better.0 -
Have you guys ever done couple counseling? It might be good to try that and see if it helps and if not then you probably know what's the next step. He seems to have issues as others pointed out, controlling and probably self esteem but those are his problems and they also might have become an escape goat for him just to do bad behavior (since he's cheated more then once) but finding someone who isn't bias towards either of you like a counselor could help open up dialogue and maybe help him learn or even able to get him see the issues he is having and what to do about it.0
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sorry, but i too had to stop reading at countless infedalities. thats not love. you may love him, but wheres the love in return? you cant love someone, and betray them with infedalities. hes sounds selfish and ungreatful. its not about letting him leave, its about telling him to. you deserve more, your kids deserve more, they deserve to see thier mother treated like a queen, so they dont grow up and repeat your history. INFEDALITY IS NOT LOVE, NO MATTER WHAT HIS EXCUSE!0
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I can't remember who said it but it's a quote I LIVE by "Never make someone a priority who considers you their option" I can honestly say everybody I love knows they are my priority. Have I cut people out of my life who treated me differently? Yes. Was it easy? NO!!! But it's important to teach our children to love and respect themselves... We have to be their examples by living it not just saying it. I feel horrible for you and your situation and wish you all the best in whatever you decide 0
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Can I just say something here? I mean this with all the kindness and love in my heart. I am an old fashioned girl..I am the daughter of a Baptist preacher and a stay at home mom....My dad at times pastored churches that couldnt afford to pay him a salary..He didnt get into the ministry to make money...However even if it meant working three jobs he took care of the six kids that my parents chose to make. My mother only taught private school from time to time so that we could attend for a discounted price. I am married now with five boys of my own. I am fully aware that the world has changed just as the economy has. My husband works doing whatever he can do to fully support our family and he has a broken hip...At times we barely get by...right now is one of those times. But we are a family...we didnt just become a family when we had kids. He and I alone were and are a family in God's eyes as well as our own. There are times when we get frustrated with each other when bills come in and we dont know how we're going to pay them, but whether we sink or swim we do it together. Of course your husband has the "right" to feel however he feels, but the two of you are working to swim because no one has fun sinking. I would just encourage him and also lovingly remind him that you are trying to help your entire family unit be better off financially.....he's a part of that family. Set aside one day a week that no sleep or no work can interfere with. Support him in your words, actions and mostly in your prayers. He will benefit more from your silent prayers to your maker than he will from anything else you do. No matter how much the world has changed the Word of God has not. Men are the providers of the home and even while you support your family...you are still the heart of your home. He needs that from you just as much as your bills need to be paid. I applaud you for all your hard work and your dedication to your family. God Bless and whatever you choose, you are a good woman!0
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Hello! You are RIGHT you can only make is decision but let me give you some advice that someone once gave me.
First this is your life and you only get one chance at it, So always remember that.
2nd.this may sound funny but get in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and ask yourself these ?'s
like if you chose to leave would you be able to look at you and say I did everything in my power and it is time to leave?
I was with my ex-husband for 16years and that is how long it took me to say I gave my all and I don't have any regrets to this day.
But first you need to write your feelings down and sit down with him alone and talk about your feelings I am sure he has some things weighing on him aswell if he is acting different. And I can say Midnight shift STINKS I worked it for almost 4yrs.
I really wish you all the strengh and encouragment in the world.
Good Luck to you and your family!!!0 -
Tell him to put his big boy pants on. The bills don't get paid unless you work. And in this economy, just having a job is a blessing. If he doesn't like your hours, he should deal with it or find another job where the hours are like yours. Maybe you could be looking too at the same time. But when you have kids, sometimes laying around and holding hands isn't an option (as I'm sure you well know).
And did u mention infidelities? THAT, by itself, would be enough to make me walk. A man who cheats is abusive to you. So, my bet is that he isn't very supportive with ANYTHING you do, not just your job and it's hours.
Lose him. You will be better off. There is a man out there who will love you for who are are, which seems to be a beautiful person.
I speak from experience, not shooting from the hip. Good luck to you girl!0 -
Quit making excuses for him and look at the situation for what it is. From an outsiders perspective, it seems you were the one to find the job to make ends meet, and now you are the one who is supposed to make more time for him. Why are you the one who constantly has to be flexible? I would gladly give up sleep to spend time with my family! As far as his abandonment issues go, you are not responsilble for what happened to him as a child! HE is responsible for resolving those issues, especially if he knows they exist. It is nobody's fault but his own for not fixing them!!! Just because you love someone does not mean that they are good for you, but only you can ultimately decide if it is better for you to leave or stay. Good luck!0
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"I have loved this man through countless infidelities"... sounds like he can find time for other people.
I say bye-bye.0 -
Hello-
I read your post. First let me say that your little one is a cutie. Congratulations!
Secondly, I have been in a relationship with a man who works 11P - 7A for the past 11 years. It is a grueling schedule for anyone, for any relationship, for any family.
That being said, I will leave you with a few comments for you to think about:
1. No GOOD job, in this economy, is worth leaving UNLESS it's a matter of health, life, or death. If any one of these fits your dilemma, please try to make sure you have clearly defined what the problem is. If none of them fit, proceed to numbers 2 or 3.
2, I am not so sure there isn't something else going on in your boyfriend's head. A little gentle prodding might help to bring the other issues out in the open.
3. If he says there's nothing else going on, then you need a clearer understanding of why he is so determined to to make a permanent decision in response to a temporary situation regarding your work commitments.
4. I am a great believer in couple's counseling. A trained professional can usually put you on the right track in 5 sessions.
5. I do not believe in ending something before you have exhausted everything avenue, gone down every road so to speak. Can you say with certainty that you have? Can your boyfriend say that he has?
Good luck!0 -
Sweetheart, your boyfriend isn't the problem here! What I hear from your post is that you and only you, are not sure of what your standards are and you are trying to hold someone accountable for standards that you don't believe fully yourself. You need to be 110% sure of what you want for your life and your children's lives. You are always going to be responsible for what you choose to except in your life, not your boyfriend. You need to define and follow through on what you will and will not put up with. We teach people how to teach us, and you have unfortunately taught your man to behave the way that he does with you. His behavior has nothing to do with his past issues and hangups in life, and this latest situation about your work schedule is irrelevant. It's beautiful that you can be there for him, but you MUST put yourself first. I am not telling you to leave your man, I just want to bring to your attention that you need to really reflect on your life and sort out what you really want from it all, and stop questioning yourself so much. Being decisive, focused and confident, is the best thing you can do for yourself, your kids and your relationship with your boyfriend.
Take the time to listen to your inner voice and become in tuned with it. Also, it never hurts to find your way back to the good Lord and cast your cares onto him. He will never let you down, as long as you seek him he will be there to hear your worries. You have have the power...use it!0 -
Hello-
I read your post. First let me say that your little one is a cutie. Congratulations!
Secondly, I have been in a relationship with a man who works 11P - 7A for the past 11 years. It is a grueling schedule for anyone, for any relationship, for any family.
That being said, I will leave you with a few comments for you to think about:
1. No GOOD job, in this economy, is worth leaving UNLESS it's a matter of health, life, or death. If any one of these fits your dilemma, please try to make sure you have clearly defined what the problem is. If none of them fit, proceed to numbers 2 or 3.
2, I am not so sure there isn't something else going on in your boyfriend's head. A little gentle prodding might help to bring the other issues out in the open.
3. If he says there's nothing else going on, then you need a clearer understanding of why he is so determined to to make a permanent decision in response to a temporary situation regarding your work commitments.
4. I am a great believer in couple's counseling. A trained professional can usually put you on the right track in 5 sessions.
5. I do not believe in ending something before you have exhausted everything avenue, gone down every road so to speak. Can you say with certainty that you have? Can your boyfriend say that he has?
Good luck!
The "gentle prodding" would be a foot, right up his ....LOL!!0 -
Sounds like you already know what you should do. A dysfunctional relationship takes everything you have to try make it better. When it it comes time to leave. A person feels drained and scared because they gave all of themselves to this reationship. Be strong and do what is best for you. It will be what is also best for your family. God bless.0
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Plain and simple, u are two totally different people, so nothing will ever be perfect! That goes for any relationship, anywhere. Just talk about it and work on it together, u shouldn't be looking for other people's opinions on ur personal relationship. U guys obviously Love each other, and now ur having a child together, so u have no choice but to work it out, whatever problems may arise, u gotta deal with it and just be there for each other, and be supportive!! If he's had abandonment issues growing up, u'll have to be more sensitive towards him. But the same goes to him, he'll have to be understanding of u. Hope u two work it out, and don't let other people or things get in between what u guys have built. U've come to far, no point in throwing in the rag now. U'll just find urself in a different relationship with a whole set of new problems!!!
New person...new set of problems...that's probably what I'm most afraid of...Thanks for "listening" and commenting0 -
I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:0
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Plain and simple, u are two totally different people, so nothing will ever be perfect! That goes for any relationship, anywhere. Just talk about it and work on it together, u shouldn't be looking for other people's opinions on ur personal relationship. U guys obviously Love each other, and now ur having a child together, so u have no choice but to work it out, whatever problems may arise, u gotta deal with it and just be there for each other, and be supportive!! If he's had abandonment issues growing up, u'll have to be more sensitive towards him. But the same goes to him, he'll have to be understanding of u. Hope u two work it out, and don't let other people or things get in between what u guys have built. U've come to far, no point in throwing in the rag now. U'll just find urself in a different relationship with a whole set of new problems!!!
New person...new set of problems...that's probably what I'm most afraid of...Thanks for "listening" and commenting
What if you worked on what you need for a bit and the new person is fantastic and ready for a commited relationship. What if it's amazing and wonderful and sexy and fun. And safe.0 -
I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:
Shes crying for help. Its all good. We are a support group0 -
Kick him to the curb. You may have insecurities about ( insert random insecurity here) but don't let anyone prey upon them.0
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I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:
This is a supportive atmosphere. If she wants to post her business then that is up to her.0 -
Countless infidelities? Sleeps away the weekend, then complains about having no time with his family? With all due respect, he kind of sounds like a dirtbag.
You can love someone, but still let them leave because you know in your heart that you deserve better.
I agree with this.0 -
I sooo agree with MANDAMAMA!!!!!!! I realize that there are two sides to every story. It sure does sound like you are putting a lot of effort into this and he is just complaining. If he really loves you he will use his brainpower to help you both be able to spend more time together. Unless, you are finding yourself hiding out at work so as not to deal with him and his complaining. That is a different story. I also agree with the fact that you already know in your heart what you should do. Believe me if you were to let him go it would probably be short lived. He would not be away from you and the family for long. Maybe it's just the little kick he needs.0
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Amen sista! We are here to support each other. If anyone is not supportive and on this site I pose this question.......WHY???0
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I don't think she ever said who was unfaithful. Either way...Nobody's happy. Either get counselling or get out.0
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I believe in sticking to the topic of the site....BUT....HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. You can drop a lot of weight by showing him the door.0
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Maximallife You Rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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