LOVE HIM OR LET HIM LEAVE???

13

Replies

  • trea16
    trea16 Posts: 26 Member
    I believe in sticking to the topic of the site....BUT....HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. You can drop a lot of weight by showing him the door.
    Food addiction is rarely just about food.
  • mlbazemore
    mlbazemore Posts: 252 Member

    My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.

    Maybe what you're really looking for is validation that it's ok to stick it out......In this day and age there is a stigma in staying with anyone who doesn't treat you like gold. he sounds a lot like my guy... he's a nightmare of insecurities and bad temper and he ain't too bright either :) ..... But I love him, and I know how much he loves me and needs me and I know how safe I am with him..... Most days I love him more than I want him..... Most days he's more trouble than he's worth and I'm tired of defending it to the world. And some days I need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with this *kitten* because it's not worth throwing everything away over a can of tuna.... ( inside joke)

    For whatever reason I'm with this person, and I know that as horrible as he can be, it's usually because he isn't getting enough of me. He's like a small child throwing a tantrum because he can't get the peg in the hole when he's really just overtired and needing a nap. And thats when I know how much I love him, cuz instead of having my own tantrum, I bundle him up, pat him on the back and sing him a lullaby till he is content again.... sometimes it's exhausting..... but I honestly love him, not teenage, love you forever baby kinda love, but adult love.... that means he comes before I do.... and its coming back in spades :)

    It is a lot of work but I haven't mind doing it...you obviously know exactly where I'm coming from and I have enjoyed your insight...Thanks
  • colochel
    colochel Posts: 263 Member
    I would look into couples counseling. Not being demeaning at all, I just think a lot can be accomplished through therapy. If there were no hope for your relationship, you'd find out for sure. Best of luck to you....
  • sweebum
    sweebum Posts: 1,060 Member
    I'm going to recommend 2 books: Co-dependant no more and Too good to leave, too bad to stay.

    Both of these will help you work on your issues. Notice I didn't say his issues- get yourself strong, and in perspective and then decide what you are willing to settle for (leave, stay, counselling) etc.

    Good luck:)
  • llamalland
    llamalland Posts: 246 Member
    it is a sad situation. for sure. And, yes you have to do what is right for you. That may be to leave (or make him leave), and get on with your life. Or it may be to stay in the relationship... are you going to be satisfied with a man who is not going to accept responsibility for holding up his end? His remark about "choose love over money" is a fine thing for a man who has been primarily unemployed to say....."love" is the best bet when he's not earning money.... My guess is this is his way to get to quit his job "for the good of the relationship".... He'll agree stay, but will "sacrifice his job" for the good of the relationship. The real choice is what are you willing to live with? It's a sign of his insecurity to keep you off balance....
  • Vanessadk0604
    Vanessadk0604 Posts: 48
    Now this is just from my point of few. I work from 3-11 and my boyfriend works full time usually 7-330. its hard for us to make time for each other and i know u understand because your in a similar situation.
    A idea for him if hes worried about not seeing you is to say up a hour maybe two to spend time together after he gets home from work.
    I think you should just let it play out though like most other comments i think its just temporary. If its meant to be it will happen. I know its hard but again everything happens for a reason and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger by yourself and as a couple
  • Vanessadk0604
    Vanessadk0604 Posts: 48
    This is a support group not only for weight loss but for our lives. Most weight gain is caused by emotional stress. Im hoping this doesn't make her gain weight and if she needs help at least she knows she can ask for it
  • suztheq
    suztheq Posts: 168 Member
    Normally I don't get invovled in issues like this, especially when I don't know the person who's asking for advice, but I just have to chime in on this one. Let me start out by saying this....WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I don't want to judge your man because of his past, however, Maya Angelou once said...When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. It seems like your man has shown you that he is selfish, inconsiderate, a cheater, and unconcerned with your needs. Of course, I'm on the outside looking in and I can only go off what you have shared with us here, but if all of these things are true, you are NOT in a healthy relationship. I know that love and history is probably what is making you stay. But believe me, it takes more than love to make a relationship work.

    Really take the time to read this^^^ (read the entire original post) and let it sink in. People have given some great advice on this and ultimately, the decision is yours. However, this response stuck out the most to me. Beautifully stated and very true. Really think about who you are, what you need and what your kids need. You are in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best. :)
  • dkljj
    dkljj Posts: 11 Member
    I think he has given you more than enough reasons to cut him loose. Why don't you write down the positives and negatives about him and your relationship with him. Spend some time on it and be thorough and honest. He has good qualities, I am sure, but I think you let him stay in the relationship because it is easier and you don't want to be alone. As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for one year is being it in for two years. I agree with that. I wasted 35 years on one. You will regret spending the best years of your life on a man who isn't who you need him to be.
  • mlbazemore
    mlbazemore Posts: 252 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    I understand where you are coming from but from my experience I have found that the people who have the best advice to give are the ones who don't have anything to lose or gain from the situation.


    In order not to give a ton of quotes:

    @ giggles1973_I love your quote and it is something everyone should live by and I will take it to heart. Thank you.

    @janarebekah10_Thank you, your words of wisdom, they are greatly appreciated and I will definitely have to take this one to God...and learn to not just seek him when I need something.

    @everyone who suggested counseling_I wholehearted agree that "I" need some counseling, and whether he will admit it or not I know he could benefit from it and we could benefit from getting counseling together. Not to make excuses, but in small town, North Carolina we don't have those type of resources readily available and we don't have the means to expensive counseling. I might have to look into counseling with a minister...that's one I would have to admit I haven't tried.

    @everyone who mentioned this being a supportive forum, weight and otherwise_I agree, I wouldn't have put myself out there like that otherwise

    @EVERYONE_Thank you all for your kind words, wise words, words that made me smile...JUST THANK YOU ALL!!!!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Check yourself.
  • jazzalea
    jazzalea Posts: 412 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    sometimes this is the best place to post it..... people who don't KNOW you... tend to be more honest... they have nothing to gain by telling you what they think you want to hear. Your friends and family often love you too much to see things from any side but yours and you're probably already sick of hearing their opinion anyway

    And I have to say... posting under an alias with just a photo for id which may or may not be accurate..... is hardly putting too much at risk....

    you can get more information on me out of the phonebook at the corner.... hell you can call and see if I'm gonna be home before you walk to the address listed and break in :)
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    All I'll say is that if my husband cheated on my multiple times he'd be gone.
  • WildFlower7
    WildFlower7 Posts: 714 Member
    This is JUST my opinion
    It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
    It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
    If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
    My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
    Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
    I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!

    I agree to this as well ^^
  • cheshirequeen
    cheshirequeen Posts: 1,324 Member
    you can't fix him, you can only fix yourself. if he isn't willing to fix himself, just work on yourself and number one would be to let go of the pain and hurt you obviously have from him. if something/somebody in your life isn't making you happy, why keep putting up with it/them. I wish you all the luck in the world.:flowerforyou:
  • MelHoneyRocks
    MelHoneyRocks Posts: 223
    I believe in sticking to the topic of the site....BUT....HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. You can drop a lot of weight by showing him the door.

    And maybe you are just not that into him either!!
  • WildFlower7
    WildFlower7 Posts: 714 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
    I think the fact that you are even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.

    Bingo. If you have to ask, you already have your answer.
  • cheshirequeen
    cheshirequeen Posts: 1,324 Member
    also, he wasn't thinking about your feelings or your family or he wouldnt have cheated in the first place.
  • WildFlower7
    WildFlower7 Posts: 714 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:


    This is a supportive atmosphere. If she wants to post her business then that is up to her.

    I agree!!
  • MaryB2
    MaryB2 Posts: 331 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.
  • WildFlower7
    WildFlower7 Posts: 714 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    Wow, yeah what people chose to post on here is their business. We support and encourage eachother, not bash and make people feel bad about themselves. There's sooo many rude people on here (I guess just like any forum) but this one is made to support.
  • PaleoPath4Lyfe
    PaleoPath4Lyfe Posts: 3,161 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    Wow, yeah what people chose to post on here is their business. We support and encourage eachother, not bash and make people feel bad about themselves. There's sooo many rude people on here (I guess just like any forum) but this one is made to support.

    :heart:
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    I thank you all for giving me something to think about. He has asked me before "what, you want me out your life" usually after he's done something where I should be saying "I want you out my life" instead I say "is that what you want" and when he says no the knot in my throat softens and I feel relieved. I have told myself that if he asks me again, I'd say yes. I'd like to think that I have the strength to say yes. Often I wonder. His cheating is an issue, eventhough I'd like to believe it's a thing of the past, it's VERY hard for me to trust him and yet I still don't want to be without him. I don't want to sound like a glutton for punishment, and I'm not one who asks for advice after B**ching about her man and then defends him....but he's not a bad man. He's a good man and a good father, he's just more needy than I expect a man to be but I've excused a lot of that because of his abandonment issues. But you, MFP friends, are right I do have to do what's best for me and my family. He's my man not my child.

    I have said to myself that I should stop chasing a man who doesn't want to be caught. And it was mentioned on one of the post that you can't keep someone who doesn't wants to be kept. I guess I'll have to face the ugly truth.

    Good men do not cheat multiple times. Good men don't need their women to make excuses ("abandonment issues") for their bad behavior. Good men do whatever it takes to put food on their kid's plates. Good men do not put ultimatums to their women to quit the established job that put food on their kid's plates when said man had no job in favor of spending more time together. Good men don't start the "Do you want me to leave" bs in order to emotionally manipulate their women. Good men don't start the "Do you want me to leave" bs as soon as they are financially stable and ABLE to leave.

    Good men will not make you feel bad about yourself - and if you don't feel bad about him feeling the need to dip his wick in someone else's pool rather than stick with yours, then I don't know see you can have any problems finding a truly good man who not only says he loves you but ACTS like he does too.
  • mlbazemore
    mlbazemore Posts: 252 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    One I don't know what post you read, but I mentioned nothing of living off of anyone's grandmother at any age. I tend to think that my writings are more comprehensive than that but maybe not???? Second, what I wrote was that I have loved him through a period in his life when he was unemployed, which for clarification was only a matter or months, and that the issue now is TOO MUCH WORKING!

    I know I asked for it when I posted something so close to my heart on this forum but REALLY? you would think if you were going to take the time to respond then you would at least take the time to understand to what you are responding.

    Thanks to everyone for your positivity and for those who are not so positive, thank you for your honesty. Have a good day, everyone.
  • WildFlower7
    WildFlower7 Posts: 714 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    One I don't know what post you read, but I mentioned nothing of living off of anyone's grandmother at any age. I tend to think that my writings are more comprehensive than that but maybe not???? Second, what I wrote was that I have loved him through a period in his life when he was unemployed, which for clarification was only a matter or months, and that the issue now is TOO MUCH WORKING!

    I know I asked for it when I posted something so close to my heart on this forum but REALLY? you would think if you were going to take the time to respond then you would at least take the time to understand to what you are responding.

    Thanks to everyone for your positivity and for those who are not so positive, thank you for your honesty. Have a good day, everyone.


    No no no hun. Some rude girl posted the comment to you that she "can't imagine posting personal stuff on this site" we were defending you telling that negative girl to butt out and to leave you aone. Then the next person was stating that the girl who said she wouldnt" post such personal stuff" was posting last week about living off her grandmother" We were defending you and your choice to post here!!:flowerforyou:
  • chicklidell
    chicklidell Posts: 275
    You lost me at "countless infidelities". I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than that. Good luck with your decision.


    I have to say I agree, a man who cheats, does not respect you , love you or is comitted to you or the family, it's the most selfish thing a person can do. I didn't read past the infidelities, sorry....that just pisses me off. If you forgave that, more power to you, as far as i'm concerned his head should be so far up your a** he can't see daylight, he should be so grateful you took his sorry a** back.
  • eellis2000
    eellis2000 Posts: 465 Member
    The last time my husband left me over something stupid in anger I helped him pack his bags. He came back after 2weeks and hasn't left since and that was 7 yrs ago. I have never had to worry about infidelity though. I go away for 1 wkend a month and 2-3 wks a year sometimes spaced out sometimes all at once and that keeps him on his toes and helps make him appreciate the things I do and the times I'm home.
  • mlbazemore
    mlbazemore Posts: 252 Member
    I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

    Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    One I don't know what post you read, but I mentioned nothing of living off of anyone's grandmother at any age. I tend to think that my writings are more comprehensive than that but maybe not???? Second, what I wrote was that I have loved him through a period in his life when he was unemployed, which for clarification was only a matter or months, and that the issue now is TOO MUCH WORKING!

    I know I asked for it when I posted something so close to my heart on this forum but REALLY? you would think if you were going to take the time to respond then you would at least take the time to understand to what you are responding.

    Thanks to everyone for your positivity and for those who are not so positive, thank you for your honesty. Have a good day, everyone.


    No no no hun. Some rude girl posted the comment to you that she "can't imagine posting personal stuff on this site" we were defending you telling that negative girl to butt out and to leave you aone. Then the next person was stating that the girl who said she wouldnt" post such personal stuff" was posting last week about living off her grandmother" We were defending you and your choice to post here!!:flowerforyou:

    I know that many understand why I came to MFP for support, especially you WildFlower7, you've definitely had my back. I should've been more clear...within the quotes someone says that they "thinking the same thing" that they agree with the first quote. Quote, quote, quote...I guess it does get a little confusing...lol
    I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

    and that I mentioned something about living off his grandma, really don't understand how they came to that conclusion unless they were looking at two posts at a time.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    They were agreeing with the poster who said that the first poster was rude. The first poster in the quote within the quote within the quote lives with her 82 year old grandmother and she and her fiance are unemployed. The only reason I had any clue is because I actually read the topic where that poster was complaining about a neighbor who didn't help shovel snow.
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