Wedding Ettiquette Advice Needed
MochaMixAZ
Posts: 844 Member
My brother and I have never been close. In fact, I think he is and always has been an insensitive, manipulative, often-scheming bully.
To set the stage in a nutshell:
- He’s been married twice. I didn’t go to either wedding. The 1st one was scheduled the day of my state nursing boards (a major, day long test) and the 2nd one was schedule on the day of my stepbrother’s wedding. That is – after my brother had RSVP’d to my stepbrother… so he set his date in full knowledge of the conflict.
- While I have SIX Godchildren, he told me I was too fat to be a Godparent to HIS children.
- While my mother was admitted to hospice and actively dying, he went on a vacation. Multiple phone calls and pleas for him to return landed on deaf ears. But he was there for the funeral and the will.
- There are many, many, more nefarious things, but I don’t want to post those publicly.
Anyway. I’m now engaged. My family is excited, and my dad is pressuring me to invite my brother. Other family members, unaware of our history, would be shocked if I did not invite him.
I have come to terms that I will indeed extend him an invitation. I will invite him and his new wife of 1 month. Keep in mind, I have never MET this woman. But I figure an invite plus one is pretty standard.
Where I’m looking for advice is with the children. He has 3 kids of his own and 3 new stepchildren (not adopted, but his wife’s children).
I have worked very hard to establish a relationship with my 3 nieces/nephew. It’s been an uphill battle because my brother is a roadblock. But, I’ve managed a decent relationship with the children. I’ve never met his new wife or her 3 children. According to emails he forwarded from his new bride, they dated about a month and then got married. (No, he didn't write me himself, just forwarded emails she sent to her family to explain this surprise wedding)
We are having a relatively small wedding – about 50 people. Space is limited by our chosen venue. If I were to invite his entire family, it would almost be 1/5th of our entire capacity.
I’m considering sending he and his wife an invite. And then sending my 2 nieces and a nephew a separate invite.
How terrible is it to not include the other 3 children?
To set the stage in a nutshell:
- He’s been married twice. I didn’t go to either wedding. The 1st one was scheduled the day of my state nursing boards (a major, day long test) and the 2nd one was schedule on the day of my stepbrother’s wedding. That is – after my brother had RSVP’d to my stepbrother… so he set his date in full knowledge of the conflict.
- While I have SIX Godchildren, he told me I was too fat to be a Godparent to HIS children.
- While my mother was admitted to hospice and actively dying, he went on a vacation. Multiple phone calls and pleas for him to return landed on deaf ears. But he was there for the funeral and the will.
- There are many, many, more nefarious things, but I don’t want to post those publicly.
Anyway. I’m now engaged. My family is excited, and my dad is pressuring me to invite my brother. Other family members, unaware of our history, would be shocked if I did not invite him.
I have come to terms that I will indeed extend him an invitation. I will invite him and his new wife of 1 month. Keep in mind, I have never MET this woman. But I figure an invite plus one is pretty standard.
Where I’m looking for advice is with the children. He has 3 kids of his own and 3 new stepchildren (not adopted, but his wife’s children).
I have worked very hard to establish a relationship with my 3 nieces/nephew. It’s been an uphill battle because my brother is a roadblock. But, I’ve managed a decent relationship with the children. I’ve never met his new wife or her 3 children. According to emails he forwarded from his new bride, they dated about a month and then got married. (No, he didn't write me himself, just forwarded emails she sent to her family to explain this surprise wedding)
We are having a relatively small wedding – about 50 people. Space is limited by our chosen venue. If I were to invite his entire family, it would almost be 1/5th of our entire capacity.
I’m considering sending he and his wife an invite. And then sending my 2 nieces and a nephew a separate invite.
How terrible is it to not include the other 3 children?
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Replies
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Are you inviting other children of other family members (not included in the wedding party)? If you are having not inviting anyone else's kids I do not see why you should have to invite his. If you are inviting other kids then I would say you should invite them.0
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I am inviting other children. By name. (Can you tell it annoys me I don't even know these kids' names and have never met them, nor their mother?)0
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Honestly, why do you have to invite him? This is your day and you should be happy about it and invite only those you want there. If you feel you must invite him then just invite he and his wife only. I would leave the kids out completely, because weddings are really more adult events anyways and his new wife might be offended if her kids aren't allowed. If your brothers kids are older (Like teenagers) then send them individual invites. This is what I would do.
Ooops I type slow
someone already covered that. 0 -
Traditional wedding etiquette regarding children is to either invite them all, or don't invite any. As far as your personal situation goes, it's up to you how important following the "traditional etiquette" is.0
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Either invite them all or invite none of them. Half is rude, even if you don't like them. Maybe take those kids out in the days before the wedding for dinner? Also, if you had no kids allowed, it would be easier to explain why they weren't invited to the wedding.0
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Guess what? It is your day.
If you're feeling pressured, then hold a reception in another location and invite them to the reception, not the actual wedding. Then you can be selective with those at the wedding and have a bigger audience at the reception.
ETA: And best wishes!0 -
Kudos for taking the high road. Allow me to play devils advocate and promote the low road.
This is YOUR day - f**k him.0 -
You'll look like the "bad person" if you don't invite them all, even the children and wife you've never met. You just have to suck it up and do it. I call them "mercy invites."0
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Since they are now a blended family, you cannot invite your blood nieces and nephews and not your step-nieces and nephews. Imagine if you were a child and were excluded from an event...but your new brothers and sisters got to go. I understand your conflict with your brother, but his wife's children shouldn't pay the price of your bad relationship.
If I were you, I wouldn't invite him or his family at all. You can also invite him and his wife but none of the children. However, if you do extend your nieces and nephews an invite, you should also invite the new kids.0 -
Ettiquette-wise it's really all or nothing. You either should invited kids, or not. It's ok to invite kids only above a certain age, or something a long those lines. But inviting children by name is poor etriquette... Honestly, I just wouldn't invite him at all. It's your wedding, why add the extra stress of him being there?0
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Invite those that you want to share your day with. Don't invite the drama..0
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Have you tried reconciling with your brother? It seems there are a lot of unresolved issues in your relationship with your brother. Have you ever told him how you feel about the issues you just described? Even if you communicate this to him and he doesn�t respond how you would like, at least he knows where you stand and you can than begin to let go of the negative feelings you have held on to for so long. Just an observation. I agree with the above. If you�re going to invite him, you should probably invite all the kids. Good luck and Congratulations!0
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Ettiquette wise, you should invite them all.... If you don't then it will be thrown up in your face forever... And up til now, he's the one that has looked like the butthead.
I know where you are coming from.... I drove 22 hours straight to my sister in laws baby shower just because my brother asked... Now that we have moved to the same city, she didn't drive 5 minutes to mine... But SHE looks bad! And I have a clear conscience!0 -
Either you want a relationship with your brother or you do not. You must ultimately make the choice. If you want to invite him, then you really should have a one to one with him before the wedding. You need to settle the issues you have with him or let him go out of your life. Traditions aside this is your life and your future wedding day.0
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Hmmm. . . I think I'd be inclined to invite the kids--including the stepkids!--but not the "adults", who seem to be the problem.0
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I do think that if you invite the nieces and nephews related to you by blood, you invite the step nieces and nephews, too. It isn't their fault that their step dad has been a pain in your neck. It isn't their fault you haven't met their mother. If your brother can be so callous to you and your mom, how is he with them? Please think of them and try to make them part of your family, at least while he is married to their mother. Don't do it for him or even for a good relationship with his wife. Do it because treating the "steps" like other family members is the right thing to do.0
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Hmm... Is the invite to your brother a +1 or Brother & Wife?
If its Brother + 1 then I'd say you can get away with inviting her kids.
I'd then send the separate invites to your niece and nephew.
If its Brother & Wife then I think the whole package is more of a given (unfortunately) :grumble:
Personally if you're having such a small day I'd be tempted not to invite him. Just have the people you love there. x0 -
^^^^^^Well said^^^^^^^ F'em. You should do what you want, not was is proper in the norms of society. Some people are better off out of your life, than in your life.Kudos for taking the high road. Allow me to play devils advocate and promote the low road.
This is YOUR day - f**k him.0 -
If you've never met them, what on earth would make you invite them. Sorry, but inviting them is clearly not going to help your relationship with your brother, so not inviting them is only going to keep the tension where it's at.
if you haven't met them, you aren't obliged to invite them at all. With a small wedding of 50, you shouldn't feel it necessary to invite people you've never even met.
i'm a BIG believer of only inviting the people to my wedding that I want to invite, not the people i'm obligated to invite. sure you get a few partners that you don't like that kind of end up tagging along, but not a whole family that you've never even met.
it's your day, screw obligations, do what you want to do and the hell with anyone else. they can deal with it and get over it, or hate you forever...0 -
This is YOUR wedding... your not getting married to make anyone happy but you and your husband to be! If you dont want your brother there... than dont. Its YOUR day to be happy.. loved, and feel beautiful. If you are inviting him, and his children, I would stick with that. Invite Him, his kids and her. You dont know her kids... Has she mad any effort to meet you? Or intorduce you to her children? I know its sad to think to saparate them, becasue of the situation... but do what you feel like doing. They dont know you, so Its not like there going to feel hurt that they didnt get invited. From the sounds of your brother.. he probably wont even go. Than youll be happy.. and lucky. Your alot better than I am.. I honestally would not even had invited him, and if anyone asked why.. I would have flat out told them why. I hope thid decision comes easy to you.. I can only imagine what your going through! My wedding was pretty much ruined becasue of MY sister in law, and husband fighting.. She didnt like me at the time, and got My mother in law involved.. big mess... If I could do it all over again, Id have a very small wedding.. That is if i didnt just say the hell with it and run to Vegas and get married
Its about you and him... no one else on your special day! Always remember that! 0 -
Better yet.. Invite your niece and nephew and no your brother or his wife! 0
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Invite those that you want to share your day with. Don't invite the drama..
Perfectly said!0 -
Hi! How old are all the children involved, including the ones who are not related to your brother and his wife? I promise you that you do not want "little" children (babies or toddlers) at your wedding reception, especially if it is going to go late. Honestly, I would strongly encourage you to make this an adult-only event with the possible exception being older teens (16 and older) who are related to you or your husband to be, not the children of guests. Of course if your brother's family is all over 16 you have not handled the issue. With such a small venue you really do have to keep your guest list tight.
If there were no extra drama (and few families don't have it, btw) would you invite the kids?
Also, get his wife's name so you can properly address the interior envelope with both their names. Brother & Guest would be too, too snarky.0 -
Better yet.. Invite your niece and nephew and no your brother or his wife!
I LOVE this idea. The devil in me actually considered inviting his ex-wife and the kids - and leaving him out. It's the kids I care about.
As for have I attempted a reconcile - yes. On many occassions. Many, many occassions. Even sought out professional help to mediate. I'm by no means an angel, but I don't think I painted the scale of my dislike. If I said he was a known cheater, IRS-evader, suspected abuser, alcoholic - I would be diminishing the situation. Not that it makes a difference. I have zero desire to sustain a relationship with him, except for the sake of my nieces and nephews. It's painful to say suffer the children for the sins of their father, but in the case - it's true.0 -
Afraid I can't tell you the age of her kids. I literally know nothing about them except what I googled about her. (Ha!) His kids are 14, 12, and 6.
My fiance's family is traveling across the country to come, including his sister and her children that I adore. I like the idea of adults only, but I like the idea of having the kids that I really care for present.
I do appreciate all the opinions, so keep them coming!! No matter what I decide, I'm arming myself to explain my decisions!Hi! How old are all the children involved, including the ones who are not related to your brother and his wife? I promise you that you do not want "little" children (babies or toddlers) at your wedding reception, especially if it is going to go late. Honestly, I would strongly encourage you to make this an adult-only event with the possible exception being older teens (16 and older) who are related to you or your husband to be, not the children of guests. Of course if your brother's family is all over 16 you have not handled the issue. With such a small venue you really do have to keep your guest list tight.
If there were no extra drama (and few families don't have it, btw) would you invite the kids?
Also, get his wife's name so you can properly address the interior envelope with both their names. Brother & Guest would be too, too snarky.0 -
I have four brothers, and I don't have a relationship with two of them for various reasons, and I probably wouldn't invite them to my wedding because when we're around each other, its awkward and its fake, and I don't want that kind of energy at my wedding. That being said, if I were to invite them, I would invite the kids as well, only because the kids because the kids didn't do anything wrong. Its not fair to punish them for issues I have with my brothers.0
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Better yet.. Invite your niece and nephew and no your brother or his wife!
I LOVE this idea. The devil in me actually considered inviting his ex-wife and the kids - and leaving him out. It's the kids I care about.
As for have I attempted a reconcile - yes. On many occassions. Many, many occassions. Even sought out professional help to mediate. I'm by no means an angel, but I don't think I painted the scale of my dislike. If I said he was a known cheater, IRS-evader, suspected abuser, alcoholic - I would be diminishing the situation. Not that it makes a difference. I have zero desire to sustain a relationship with him, except for the sake of my nieces and nephews. It's painful to say suffer the children for the sins of their father, but in the case - it's true.
DO IT!! :happy:0 -
I believe a wedding is so that that you can celebrate with friends and family that care about and support you. I read your post twice. Why are you inviting brother and family?0
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Roll the dice .... perhaps he'll schedule his next wedding on your date, too. Problem solved.
Ok ... as other posters have stated, it's proper wedding etiquette to invite all or no children. With that being said, it's your day. You have the right to buck etiquette. However, just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
Is there any room in the budget to hire an off-site baby sitter for all the kids for the duration of the reception?0 -
Better yet.. Invite your niece and nephew and no your brother or his wife!
^^This. :devil:0
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