LOVE HIM OR LET HIM LEAVE???

Here's my situation and eventhough I know it's a decision I will ultimately have to make myself I was wondering what would others do in my situation...

I've been with my fiance for 8 years, we just had a son together May of last year and was engaged shortly after. Our family consisted of the two of us, my son and daughter and his two daughters before the birth of our son. To paint you a picture of our relationship...I have loved this man through countless infidelities, a miscarraige, him not having a job or having a job where he might as well not have one, his abandonment issues from being put up for adoption, issues with his adoptive family, issues with him being away from his family and friends (since we live in North Carolina and he's from Philadelphia). And I'm not trying to paint an evil picture of him because then the comment might be "well why do you love him". I love him beyond a reason, he came into my life when I thought I should just give up on being in love or trying to find someone who would love me flaws and all. Everything I never wanted to admit I hated about myself he loved and he taught me to do the same (ie. my weight, my dark skin, my smile, even my glasses).

We struggled through his being unemployed but I would never let our relationship end over money, I'm not a money hungry chick and I've learned early on to make the best out of what you have and that's what we did. But now he has a job that's paying pretty decent for the area we live in and things seem to be taking a turn for the worst. I'm actually making more hours because my General Manager is out, health reasons she'll be back in a few weeks, and there's a desk clerk who leaves EVERY year to work at H&R Block...if I'm confusing you, I work the desk at a hotel. He's now giving me attitude about the time that we don't have for eachother because of work but my work hasn't really changed, I've never had a set schedule, I've always mainly worked 3pm to 11pm, I work at least one day out of the weekend and often two, and the schedule is made a month in advance but always subject to change. However, his job is 11pm to 7am, with most weekends off. We don't spend time because when he comes home he showers, eats breakfast (which I make), and goes to sleep until it's time for him to get ready for work. The whole week is like this and he still sleeps most of the day away on the weekends. I wish we had more time together, but I'm not complaining...where does he have the right to complain, and it's not like my schedule will be this crazy all year. My GM will be back soon enough, and the other desk clerk will be back by May. My whole thing is this; he's angry because he doesn't have time to spend with his family....BUT THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. I'm trying to be a team player here, EVERYONE is pulling more than just their fair share at work but he feels like I'm volunteering for extra days when I'M NOT. Of course I'm family first all the way but...uuggghhh!!! I just don't know what to do, his tone is becoming very serious and I don't know if we will make it through what should be the best and easiest year of our relationship. More money more problems, I swear, and it's not like we're balling out of control...it's not like we don't need the extra money. He says he'd choose love over money everytime...but really it's his love over my money because if time is the issue then find a job where you don't have to sleep all day and work all night. Nooooo, it's change MY job. What would you do if it came down to him saying "I'm leaving, you don't have time for me and your family", do I fight for my relationship when it's something this lame he wants to leave over,possibly having to quit my job and HOPE that I can find a job that meets his criteria or do I let him leave, stay friends, and wish him the best. I've done so much fighting to keep us together I don't know if I have any fight left in me and what little I might have seems wasted on this scenerio. Any suggestions??? I'm open.

I'm sorry to be long winded and even if I don't get any responses it was just therapeutic to get it off my chest. Thanks MFP fam for helping once again.

Marica

Replies

Sherbog

Perhaps there are relationship websites that would be more supportive in this type of problem than a health topic website like MFP?

Put yourself first...get out or remove him from your life. Love should not take so much energy or pain.

Shannon2714

I understand loving a man through all of those hardships, and I think you are a very strong woman. I don't think it's ok for him to expect you to quit your job. Personally, I think you should sit down, tell him everything you've told us....let him know that you love him unconditionally, but that you won't put your family behind the financial 8-ball just because he feels the way he feels. I will get better, as you said.

No matter what choice you make, I hope that everything works out for the best and that you find peace.

Elizabeth_C34

You lost me at "countless infidelities". I don't even know you, and I know you're worth more than that. Good luck with your decision.

This.

Leave him and find someone who appreciates you. You are capable of giving enormous love to someone, but it should be someone who reciprocates and deserves you.

Furthermore, by sticking around, you are teaching your children this is how a relationship works: man cheats, woman forgives; man expects everything to be done for him, woman gives all she has to make it so.

nikki1anna

it sounds to me that he has selfish issues and you need self confidence to see the right from the wrong. He needs to grow up and perhaps, he'll become a man. You need to gain confidence and then you'll realize what is love, honesty and integrity.

livnlite

So often, people get caught up with the hustle and bustle of real life woes .. working alternating shifts does complicate 'family' life .. no one can argue with that. Sure, it sucks .. but at least you are working and you are both should be commended on your efforts to support your family.

Given this new turn of events with working longer hours, you may have to keep reminding him it is only temporary. The extra money you will earn will help to buy the extras you may not have been able to treat yourself with before or at the very least lighten your financial burden. So, there is a bonus for your effort and his patience.

Attachment or abandonment issues or not ... It's time for him to grow up and do what's right for the family unit .. THIS is not the time to focus on incidental personal issues, or for that matter ... even use that as an excuse to manipulate a situation. THAT is just being selfish.

Not that I don't understand or respect abandonment issues .. they can be very real and incapacitating for some people. What I'm saying is, he should deal with it .. and move on .. It is not fair to hold it over your head to sooth his difficulties.

Partnerships are doomed without compromise ... ALWAYS! There are probably a LOT of people here who can identify with having to do what you have to do when it comes to keeping their job. Crikey .. I'd can't tell you the nights I've gone with no sleep due to my very demanding job ... countless. It's like having a piece of machinery .. Sometimes all works smoothly, and everyone is happy .. then sometimes .. It doesn't, and a little more effort is required to keep it from falling to pieces. Big flipp'n deal! We ALL have to do it .. We all have relationships that suffer because of it .. That's where the compromise comes in yet again.

If you seem to be the only one who is doing the compromising .. it's time to "talk turkey" with him and set out some new ground rules to keep that boat afloat! Don't enable his behaviour. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

barbaratanika

Can I just say something here? I mean this with all the kindness and love in my heart. I am an old fashioned girl..I am the daughter of a Baptist preacher and a stay at home mom....My dad at times pastored churches that couldnt afford to pay him a salary..He didnt get into the ministry to make money...However even if it meant working three jobs he took care of the six kids that my parents chose to make. My mother only taught private school from time to time so that we could attend for a discounted price. I am married now with five boys of my own. I am fully aware that the world has changed just as the economy has. My husband works doing whatever he can do to fully support our family and he has a broken hip...At times we barely get by...right now is one of those times. But we are a family...we didnt just become a family when we had kids. He and I alone were and are a family in God's eyes as well as our own. There are times when we get frustrated with each other when bills come in and we dont know how we're going to pay them, but whether we sink or swim we do it together. Of course your husband has the "right" to feel however he feels, but the two of you are working to swim because no one has fun sinking. I would just encourage him and also lovingly remind him that you are trying to help your entire family unit be better off financially.....he's a part of that family. Set aside one day a week that no sleep or no work can interfere with. Support him in your words, actions and mostly in your prayers. He will benefit more from your silent prayers to your maker than he will from anything else you do. No matter how much the world has changed the Word of God has not. Men are the providers of the home and even while you support your family...you are still the heart of your home. He needs that from you just as much as your bills need to be paid. I applaud you for all your hard work and your dedication to your family. God Bless and whatever you choose, you are a good woman!

I agree that God needs to be more at the center of your decision. If you all read 5 Love Languages or Fireproof, I think it would give you some good tools to start with. This is not to say that you should continue or discontinue, that is not for us to decide. You should open your heart and increase your relationship with the Father to let Him decide.

Trophyyf

Sorry sounds to me like you are and have been putting in more then you are getting out. So I say get out of it. Sounds like your happiness has never been a priority and you have always been the one trying to keep it all together.

Good luck hun ;0)

RenZero76

I am divorced and I have to say that it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. My ex-husband cheated on me after 13 years and then left me for the other woman. I had 2 and 1 year old boys, a full time student and no income. I can't tell you what to do, but I stayed with a man that cheated, worked it out several times and it eventually ended at one of the hardest times in my life to be a single mom. Just don't sell yourself short and be the one to pay for it in the end.

That being said, it was also the best thing for me in the end. I met my husband 2 years after my divorce. He not only loves me, but raises and loves my boys as his own. We now have a daughter together and I am the happiest I have ever been. This time around I knew what I wanted in a person who shared my life. I wanted an honest, loving, responsible person who shares my same goals and values as well as being a good dad. It happened and I am very lucky.

If you work it out, work it out because you think its going to succeed. If you don't think its going to succeed, do what's best for you and your children in the long run. Also ask yourself what kind of role model he is for your kids, then make your decision.

Shannon2714

I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

Wow. Are you aware of how ignorant this is? This is a place for support. The name of the message board is "Chit-chat"....it's not YOUR life/problems and you didn't need to respond. Take your negativity somewhere that it doesn't have to be seen by people trying to help and stay positive.

joeylu

He is picking a fight to leave you or have a new reason to cheat.

kb455

I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

Honestly for some people, this is the 'safest' place to get advice and opinions on these types of situations. I imagine most people on here don't have many friends on their FL whom they also know in real life (I know I don't), so there is a level of anonymity here.

MaryB2

I cannot imagine posting THIS much about my personal life or marital problems on a public website. :noway:

Honestly if you have nothing nice to say then butt out. I'm tired of your constant negativity!! You don't like it then ignore it!!

I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

One I don't know what post you read, but I mentioned nothing of living off of anyone's grandmother at any age. I tend to think that my writings are more comprehensive than that but maybe not???? Second, what I wrote was that I have loved him through a period in his life when he was unemployed, which for clarification was only a matter or months, and that the issue now is TOO MUCH WORKING!

I know I asked for it when I posted something so close to my heart on this forum but REALLY? you would think if you were going to take the time to respond then you would at least take the time to understand to what you are responding.

Thanks to everyone for your positivity and for those who are not so positive, thank you for your honesty. Have a good day, everyone.

No no no hun. Some rude girl posted the comment to you that she "can't imagine posting personal stuff on this site" we were defending you telling that negative girl to butt out and to leave you aone. Then the next person was stating that the girl who said she wouldnt" post such personal stuff" was posting last week about living off her grandmother" We were defending you and your choice to post here!!:flowerforyou:

I know that many understand why I came to MFP for support, especially you WildFlower7, you've definitely had my back. I should've been more clear...within the quotes someone says that they "thinking the same thing" that they agree with the first quote. Quote, quote, quote...I guess it does get a little confusing...lol

I was thinking the same thing! She actually posted a topic talking about her and her unemployed fiancé living off his 82 year old grandmother. I guess that's not personal information.

and that I mentioned something about living off his grandma, really don't understand how they came to that conclusion unless they were looking at two posts at a time.

I apologize, I am the one that made the Grandmother comment. It was not directed at you but at the girl that said you should not post personal information on here. She was the one that had posted about living off her fiance's Grandma. I was only pointing out that what she had posted was also personal information and was agreeing with the other posters that she should not berate you for doing that. Sorry again about the misunderstanding and I hope that everything works out.

To the people that understood thank you for trying to explain what happened.

mlbazemore

He is picking a fight to leave you or have a new reason to cheat.

I have considered this, not that I want to believe it to be true.

ahinescapron

I think it says a lot about your character that you have stuck this out so far. I would not quit your job, especially in this economy. If he has cheated in the past, I think it is a mistake to trust that he will not do it again or find some other excuse to leave you. What if you quit your job and he finds another reason to leave? Or he loses this job too? That leaves you in a bad positiion. It sounds like he likes to place blame on you, when you have been the one to stand by him all this time. I would have an honest conversation with him. He needs to give something to this relationship and work with you if it is going to work. If he is not willing to meet you in the middle and take responsibilty for his half of the relationship, he doesn't deserve any more of you time and energy.

mlbazemore

I apologize, I am the one that made the Grandmother comment. It was not directed at you but at the girl that said you should not post personal information on here. She was the one that had posted about living off her fiance's Grandma. I was only pointing out that what she had posted was also personal information and was agreeing with the other posters that she should not berate you for doing that. Sorry again about the misunderstanding and I hope that everything works out.

To the people that understood thank you for trying to explain what happened.

I must have missed something somewhere, I was so confused...I'm like, huh? grandma? lol...I thought I read everything...and WildFlower7 did try to tell me, I'm sorry, I apologize. No hard feelings...

Marizzle23

That is your perrogative.........it is HER perrogative to post this much personal info and ask for help. No one made you read it and no one asked for your judgement!