HELP!! This isn't health related but I don't know what to do
x_biggirl
Posts: 68
Hi everyone, thank you in advance for everyone who looks at this post and makes a comment. I've not always had the best relationship with my mum, she's made a lot of serious mistakes in her past and I have always forgiven her and helped her out the best I could. The problem is is that since i've moved to the uk she's had to actually be a grown up and I've not had to be the parent. She's only come through on one promise she has ever said and like i said lies to me about basic things and some very sinister. Last night I rung her to talk as I have glandular fever and been off work all week so far, she then seemed like she was actually trying to be my mum and then dropped the big bomb on me that she needs 1000.00 dollars and if i have it could i lend it to her, the other problem is that she knows I do as my aunt died last year and left me a tiny bit of money. The next problem is is that it is my wedding money and I'm hopefully getting married next year just so I can lose all my weight. I am just worried my mum won't give me the money back as she has burned lots of other family by committing acts of fraud. I know it seems like i shouldn't but she needs the money for her rent and will get kicked out as she recently lost her job and is starting another one but not until March. My mum said she would be able to pay it back to me by may...but i don't know if i can trust her. The next problem is i haven't asked my fiancee yet and i know already he will say no because he doesn't like or trust her. My friend thinks i shouldn't take the risk but how can i live with myself if my mum goes homeless. I know its her own fault and if it was any way it would should be the other way round? quite simply does anyone know what to do? do i risk my wedding money or make my mum homeless?
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Replies
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Give her a few news papers, and a box. By living in the box, she won't be homeless and you can keep your wedding money. Problem solved.0
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I would actually write a note/loan document, with interest, and make her sign if you choose to lend it (you can find them on the internet easily). If you don't choose to lend it I would tell her exactly why, don't lie or that puts you on the same level.
just my 2 cents....0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...0 -
Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do0 -
Yes of course you risk your wedding money!
I would lend it to a friend, a colleague, even an acquaintance let alone my own mother! I would probably not even ask her to return it, given that she is in trouble.0 -
Difficult situation. Whatever you decide to do, you need to discuss it with your fiance. Even though you're not married yet, you don't want to be keeping things from him. I'm a hard *kitten* so I wouldn't give her the money -- you would be giving it to her, not loaning -- as chances are good that you'll never see it again.0
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I think it's time for some tough love. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but it sounds like your mom could very well cut and run with your $1,000. If you need that money for your wedding, then don't give it to her. It sounds like she really needs a wake up call and if you keep bailing her out, she will never learn to rely on herself. Sending you a huge hug...0
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At some point she needs to learn to depend on herself and not you, she may need to learn the hard way.
The other option is you could get a legally binding agreement written up where she has to pay you back either so much per month or by a certain date.0 -
ohh what a horrible situation to be in! No-one can really advise you on this, you need to go with your gut/conscience whatever... but it sounds like it's time your mum took responsibilty for herself and maybe this is the wake-up call she needs...0
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What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
Well said!!0 -
Im in the uk if shes lost her job she will get lots of help housing benifit job seekers allowence council tax paid,this is emotional blackmail its not like you have alot of money and she shouldnt be using this story on you,how do you know its true tell her to go to citizens advice beaux its a free advice centre every town has one in the uk they will help her with benifits DONT GIVE HER YOUR MONEY0
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Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do
This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.0 -
I personally think that I would not. If my mother acted in the manor that your does... shes acting like the child... a child that needs to learn her own lessions on how to be an adult. To be accountable for her own actions. I would feel awful, but its time for you to be the Daughter and her to be the mother. I could see if she asked for a 100, or a few.. but not 1000.00. I am more than willing to help out my mother if this ever came along.. becasue she is a mother.. and does act like one, and i am her daughter.
Do you think she could have asked you for the money if she knew you didnt get that money from family? There is a point.. like a parent when you need to cut the cored.. unfortunally.. your going to have to be the one cutting it. Its time for her to woman up and be your mother.. not your child. Im sorry if this is harsh of me to say... but its just how I feel.0 -
Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do
This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.
I could not agree more0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
Yes This!!!0 -
There have been lots of good replies I agree with. But, I want you to see this from a different angle. Your topic says "....this isn't health related....", but of course it is! It isn't enough to just go on a diet & track your calories. If you are overweight, there is always an emotional side to the problem. In my case, I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. BUT, she's had a very rough life & I found that I was feeling guilt for having a better life than she had.
I think you will find that if you make a stand on this, it will be hard, but you will come out the other side feeling much better. I wouldn't let her continue to blackmail you & I would definitely discuss it with your fiance'. His bad opinion of your mother comes from the fact that he loves you & that he knows about all the times you've been hurt by her. Use your marriage as a way to make a fresh start in all your relationships.
Good luck in this situation & on your journey to lose weight.
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Thanks everyone just spoke to my finacee and he has said no, just feel really horrible and quite nervous to tell her. The thing is that her brother is the landlord and he despises her so she doesn't want to ask him. She's gone to the bank and money mart and they said no until she starts her new job. As well she lives in Canada and I live here in the UK so getting a legal binding thing would be hard and just cost me more money. I feel really guilty as well because she paid for two airline tickets for me and one for my fiancee. The thing is is that she offered to do it and the only way i have what i have now is through a second job and my aunt passing on, I have a mortgage as welll so I've never had a lot of money. The problem is i always have given my mum the benefit of the doubt, even though she's lied and stolen and really been a *kitten* like my whole life.0
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What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
I agree with this. I want to add:
I have been married 18 years and my husbands family is a bit on the, lets just say, "out there side" It always takes 2 yess' and one no. I would talk to your fiance and see what he says. If he says no, then you just need to tell your mom "NO." Tell her you spent the money, you need the money before May or that it is tied up and you don't have access to it. If you are afraid of lying then take the money and put it is a short term CD tying it up for a while thus not lying. Money and family are the two things most married couples fight about, if you are engaged and this is the family you bring to the table, then you might want to see how the two of you handle it as a team before you get married.
Best wishes, it is a tough situation to be in, but better to cut the ties with the money in the bank, than later on after you have given all you have and then needing to cut the ties.0 -
I have a firm rule when "loaning" money to family - NEVER loan anyone anymore than you can afford to give them! With that said, you will have to decide if you want to give her the money or not. If you have it and can then do. I would give it to my mom, but we have a good relationship and she would do the same for me. There have been times in both our lives when one of us has "loaned" money to the other. Do what you can live with in the end.0
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Thanks everyone just spoke to my finacee and he has said no, just feel really horrible and quite nervous to tell her. The thing is that her brother is the landlord and he despises her so she doesn't want to ask him. She's gone to the bank and money mart and they said no until she starts her new job. As well she lives in Canada and I live here in the UK so getting a legal binding thing would be hard and just cost me more money. I feel really guilty as well because she paid for two airline tickets for me and one for my fiancee. The thing is is that she offered to do it and the only way i have what i have now is through a second job and my aunt passing on, I have a mortgage as welll so I've never had a lot of money. The problem is i always have given my mum the benefit of the doubt, even though she's lied and stolen and really been a *kitten* like my whole life.
sorry i thought she had moved to the uk
Do as someone says say you put it in an isa that you cant withdraw only annually which is December 2012 then you dont have to make any excuses up as you cant access it. Your not responsible for your mother she was rsponsible for you as a child you are both adult,my brother is like your mother hes an alcholic and plays on our emotions only when he needs us Ive had a hard time with him but he only wants us when hes in need and never around otherwise.She needs to look to her brother for help its his house so hes responsible if shes homeless hun x0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
Well said! I concur. If your Aunt left you the money and not Mum, there was a reason. If Mum got money and blew it, then why should you use yours. I have had to make this awful decision and was not happy. Your Mum is an adult and will figure it out.
((HUGS))0 -
I feel for you.....what a terrible situation to be in. But my advice is this: do not loan her the money. As others have said, she is an adult, she needs to take care of herself. It is NOT your fault that she is in this situation. You will only be enabling her by giving her the money.0
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She is a grown adult, she won't be on the streets, there are always people out there to help when you lose a home, if she has burned other family members why would you be any different? Whats your husband to be say? Surely it is his money to if its part of a wedding fund?
If you are going to lend this money, i would get a solicitor involved and get her to sign a written contract that she will pay so much a month back etc, then if she doesn't you have in writing so can take to court!0 -
Thanks everyone the other thing is when her mother died,(my oma) her mother left me all her jewellery because my mum reconciled with her before she died and my oma didn't have a chance to change the will i let her have some of it until like she passes it on to me. Now i am worried she will pawn it but i suppose if so it's only possessions and that will be the final straw.0
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If your gut is telling you not to do it...and that's the feeling I get from reading your post....then I wouldn't.0
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Never lend what you can't afford to give away0
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I think because she's lied etc in the past it's not worth giving her the money which you need. The fact your fiance doesn't trust her and her own brother despises her speaks volumes too..
If she needs money there must be other people she can speak to, or get a bank/ crisis loan or something. All I know is money lent to family hardly ever gets paid back, or paid back in full and certainly not quickly!0 -
your problems are a lot bigger than that last statement. you're seriously marrying someone who doesn't like your mom? PROBLEM #1. That's horrible, and as for your mom, she's your mom, I look at it this way, If i ever lend money, I don't expect it back, I consider any money I lend as a gift, this is to say I don't lend often, but when I do their promise to pay me back falls on deaf ears because I know they will not, so it has to be in your heart to give it freely, and no expect it back. It sounds like your mom needs other assistance, maybe counseling, house assistance, financial planning help, etc. Try to look into that. But good luck with a husband who doesn't like your mom, it's a weird concept from my life's outlook. He should try to be help you since you all are going to be wedding as one unit.0
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Tell her that you've loaned the money to your fiance/best friend/some one else and that you can't access it now..0
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I have helped my parents many times and I have never gotten the money back. I guess I looked at as they needed the help or they would lose their house and I didn't want that to happen. However, Last year when I received my income tax check I had plans for the money, my husband had to have surgery and it was money for us while he was off work for 2 weeks. She said she would pay it back when she got her refund. She never did. As a result I have been struggling myself trying to pay bills since they got behind since April. Now it is a new year I will be getting my refund soon and my mom is saying they are going to foreclose on the house again since she was laid off. I know that I could give her money again. However, it is just going to end up hurting us again. Because I know I will not get it back. I don't want them to lose the house but I can't keep putting my family in jeopardy to help them out.I do whatever I can to help out my parents I buy them groceries, laundry soap cleaning supplies whenever I can because I know they are struggling. This year we were planning on putting a down payment on a house so that we would have our own place, instead we are spending pretty much our whole refund catching up all of our bills and paying on our credit card we had to use while my Husband was out of work.
I guess what I am saying is we all want to help our parents if we can, but we also have to take care of our own family. I would never do a contact for my parents because I know I could never take them to court because that would put them even farther behind financially having to pay court costs. If I have the extra money and I know we will be okay without it then I will let her borrow it because I know we are good. If it is a toss up on whether we will be okay or not I can't do it.0
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