HELP!! This isn't health related but I don't know what to do

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  • Shweedog
    Shweedog Posts: 883 Member
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    I have a mom that took a while to grow up too. I have given her money several times. In the beginning she would always say she would pay it back but then some other financial downfall would occur and I would eventually just say don't worry about it. So whenever she was in trouble and needed money later in life I never expected her to repay me because I would just be setting myself up for disappointment. But I know this about her. One thing I have learned in life is that you cannot change or fix people. They have to do it on their own. My mom knows that if I do not have the money or if my husband says no then that is the end of that and she needs to look elsewhere because she is an adult and not my responsibility. It sounds as though your mom has taken advantage of you in the past, and though I agree that family is everything and we should all give what we can, there comes a time when you just have to say no. If this money truly is already designated to go somewhere (your wedding) then you really do not have it to give. Your mother should understand that. And if she doesn't then she is just being selfish and unreasonable. Good luck hun!
  • determinedsocialworker
    determinedsocialworker Posts: 108 Member
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    Hi.. I live in Canada and I'm a social worker working with homeless people and income assistance. In every area of this country she has the option to apply for income assistance. It can be a hard thing for someone to do, but if you're in need, you're in need. That's what it's here for... and worst case scenario she gets no help, then maybe she will need to go to a shelter for a brief period of time until she gets on her feet... she does not have to be out on the street.. she needs to reach out for help from the community and government and not from her daughter... this may seem harsh but this is not on YOU.. not sure how she lost her job, but if she was laid off she can apply for Employment Insurance and if it takes al ong time, she may be able to get income assistance until it comes in. If she was fired for doing somethign wrong and doesn't get it, well maybe this will be the wakeup call she needs that her actions and decisions have consequences... and sometimes they aren't fun... but again, this isn't up to you to fix.. it's up to her. I would just talk to her about the fact that you're planning for your future and you do not have the money available to give her. Talk about what options she has and then leave it to her. You don't need to justify how you spend your money, and I would tell her that, along with the fact that you try hard not to judge her for her decisions and she needs to respect you for yours.. as an adult. She may be upset... but that's HER decision... ultimately, giving her the money wouldn't help her... hell, she may be saying she needs it just because she knows talking about rent will make you feel guilty.. she needs to manage her life.. and there are people out there to help her.. and it doesn't have to be you. Lots of luck... if you need anything, feel free to message me.. and I can look up some things for you. Take care. Rachel
  • happynluv418
    happynluv418 Posts: 3 Member
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    I've had a rough relationship with my mother too. I've had to take over to be the parent to my middle sister because my mom couldn't, or really wouldn't, be. There comes a time that she will need to grow up and take on her own issues, and stop relying so heavily on you. You need to do what makes you happy, and will keep you out of the drama. Not to mention, if your fiance is going to say no, maybe you will need to go with that answer. My thoughts are with the history you are saying, it would not be a good idea. That is a lot of money, especially when it comes to needing it for your wedding!
  • ChristineS_51
    ChristineS_51 Posts: 872 Member
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    What an awful quandary to be in. I guess if you are asking then you know it is not the right thing to do. IF she is homeless, then it is her fault, not yours. She is a grown up and should be taking care of her self. I guess the only solution I can think of is that if you gave her back the amount she spent on your airline tickets? Don't know how much that would be, but if it's not all your wedding money, then you keep some of your wedding money; and get rid of the guilt thing of her having paid for your air tickets and the guilt thing of her not having somewhere to live. Maybe write everything down to get it out of your head, and then look at it. Don't tell her lies - if you don't give her the money, say it is because you have your own needs.

    People aren't perfect, nor are mothers - just because they are mothers doesn't mean they are GOOD mothers. Good luck with your decision. :flowerforyou:
  • Puddykat1026
    Puddykat1026 Posts: 164 Member
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    A lesson I learned a LONG time ago... do not lend money unless you can make a donation. No matter who it is. There's no guarantee you will get it back. Also, since it is for your wedding, it's not just your decision to make. Your fiance has a right to object. I don't know how old you are or your financial situation, but that's a lot of money to come up with. I know I couldn't come up with it that fast when I have my own bills to pay & my own things to save for.

    I understand where you're coming from because I've had to deal with being the parent to my mother since I was 13 years old. My parents separated and she's just never recovered from that mentally. When she is in dire straits, I've often researched a group or program that can assist her when she needs it. The fact of the matter is that my hubby & I barely make it paycheck to paycheck. I can't afford to take her on financially. I have been there for my mother emotionally and try to be there as a daughter & let her make the decisions. I have to draw the line somewhere.

    It's a very unhealthy situation to be in and until you figure out your feelings towards her you will not be able to fully heal or be able to handle her in these sticky situations. I've analyzed the relationship I have with my mother & with help I was able to say I love my mother, but not her actions. Two separate things. I limit my interaction with her just so I don't regress back to old ways of thinking. It's hard, but you can have a relationship with your mother, but you need to work on you first. Good luck with the wedding planning.
  • SeaSiren1
    SeaSiren1 Posts: 242 Member
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    I personally would always help family (and have), it would not have been a question in my mind. My family is tight knit in that regard, even though we have some "doozies" amoungst us .... we are still kin.

    When you give money to family and friends you have to be prepared to not get it back nor hold it against them. However, that is IF you have the money to give. If it will put you in finacial stress (for instance a job loss on your end or automobile that dies, and it makes it so you have no cushion), then you can't afford to. If you do decide to give her the money, you should put everything in writing if you plan to take it to court if she doesn't pay.

    Finally, IMO if you are getting married then your Fiance is and should always be a part of the decision, as he should include you in finacial decisions. My spouse and I discuss any incurring expenses above a certain $ amount. However, I suppose that would asssume that you and your Fiance would have the same relationship goals as I in regards to finances.
  • Smellz77
    Smellz77 Posts: 1
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    Simple Answer- Do not do it. Many members have given more than enough reasons here, and I applauf that. I have to add though, don't think a note or loan is your answer or somehow meeting in the middle. I have spent much of my career collecting money from debtors via litigation. Your mother obviously has nothing to begin with, and on the brink of losing her home. Preparing a promissory note or loan document is a waste of time, effort, and money. If she can't get herself out of trouble now, she surely will have no assets or anything for you to attach if you decide to enforce or collect on the note. Litigation in the long run will only prolong your hardship and the issues, causing you pain all the while and you will end up with nothing on top of a broken heart. Stay strong girl!
  • pascale485
    pascale485 Posts: 173 Member
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    Yes of course you risk your wedding money!

    I would lend it to a friend, a colleague, even an acquaintance let alone my own mother! I would probably not even ask her to return it, given that she is in trouble.

    I agree! Your mother was there when you were little, she is the reason why you are where you are.
    I have 3 sisters and one that I don't get along at all, but last year she had big financial problems, she couldn't pay for the day care for one of her child. So I helped out as much as I could! I don't mind eating noodle for 2-3 weeks!

    If I was you I would lend the money, but I would not give it to her directly. Go pay the bill\person\whatever yourself, so you know your money is gonna be put to good use!

    You say you might get married.... It is not definitive right now?

    Anyway, it's my opinion... I ALWAYS put family before anything!!!
  • tbresina
    tbresina Posts: 558 Member
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    Sorry you are in such a tough situation but if it were me I would not loan her the $. I can tell you realize that she will not pay it back and if she cared about you she would not put you in this siutation in the first place. Tell her you have it tied up in the bank and can't get to it til your wedding. That way you do not have to feel bad. Tell her you were afraid you would use it so you put it in an IRA or a CD that doesn't mature til next year. Let her know that if you could you would help her but you can't get at the money. Hope this works out for you.
  • csegear71
    csegear71 Posts: 14
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    Totally agree with momof3and3. There are options for her, if you give her the money, it would be enabling her. I have been in dire situations before and as the saying goes, "if there is a will, there is a way." If a person is determined to do better, they will find a solution and you are not the solution. Also, do NOT start off your marriage by keeping secrets! Trust me, it only ends badly!
  • tbresina
    tbresina Posts: 558 Member
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    I honestly do not agree with your post. It sounds like her mother does not necessarily have her best interest in mind here and her fiance does. It is not necessary for your fiance to like your mom, especially if she is one like this one seems to be! Seriously what kind of mom would ask a daughter for her wedding money in the first place????
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
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    Your decision shouldn't be based on whether you need the money for your wedding but on what's best for your mother. You can find other ways to finance a wedding if necessary, so that should stay out of the decision.

    What's best for your mother, however, might not be giving her the money. If her history shows that she does not use it for what she says she will and doesn't pay back, then don't give it to her. I have a sister in law who was like this for a long time. It took a lot of tough love, but she came around and now we're great friends because she learned what she needed to learn. Pray for your mom and help her find resources, but don't give her money.
  • roxlen75
    roxlen75 Posts: 21 Member
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    Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own

    It`s called tough love and it is tough to do

    This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.

    I agree with the above. It is enabling and the longer you are there to rescue her, the more she will continue to take advantage and depend on you instead of working through this on her own. Talk to your fiance and if you still feel the need to help, go ahead, but I would only give her some of the money, not all so that she will start to realize that she has to do things for herself too.
  • suziblues2000
    suziblues2000 Posts: 515 Member
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    How can a mother ask her daughter to 'lend' her wedding money to her?
    I have a daughter and she is very well off now. Her dad and I am not. My husband has been laid off, collecting unemployment, for a few years now and we are barely making it, but I would NEVER ask my kids for money, especially ESPECIALLY if I knew it was my daughter's wedding money! (unless I was seriously addicted to some kind of expensive habit!)

    I am happy my kids are doing better than me. I would feel ashamed to ask them for money.

    To the op: I think maybe your mom should talk to her brother some more. Even if her brother hates her, do you really think he'd let his sister be homeless? Plus, it is hard to actually be homeless now a days because there are so many places that are happy to help, but she must first take the responsibility and find the help....not the 'easy' way out and ask you for money.
  • tracyruz
    tracyruz Posts: 6
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    Thanks everyone just spoke to my finacee and he has said no, just feel really horrible and quite nervous to tell her. The thing is that her brother is the landlord and he despises her so she doesn't want to ask him. She's gone to the bank and money mart and they said no until she starts her new job. As well she lives in Canada and I live here in the UK so getting a legal binding thing would be hard and just cost me more money. I feel really guilty as well because she paid for two airline tickets for me and one for my fiancee. The thing is is that she offered to do it and the only way i have what i have now is through a second job and my aunt passing on, I have a mortgage as welll so I've never had a lot of money. The problem is i always have given my mum the benefit of the doubt, even though she's lied and stolen and really been a *kitten* like my whole life.

    I am a mother of 4 and would never ask one of my children for money...no matter what the situation may be. It is a tough and wrong spot for your mother to have put you in. It seems that the others in your family (including your fiance) can see your mother for who she really is and know that she needs to suck it up and get her act together. As for the tickets she purchased for you - in my opinion that is what a mother is supposed to do. She is the one who should be spending her money on you - not the other way around. Don't let that influence your decision. I understand that you are having "guilt pains" over this but reality is your mother has done this, will continue to do this and won't stop until others stop giving her handouts!

    Good luck and be strong!
  • madubil
    madubil Posts: 131 Member
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    Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own

    It`s called tough love and it is tough to do


    I agree- and couldnt have said it better. I'm sorry youre in thsi spot- but its true- she is an adult, and you will enable her to continue this. And No- she wont pay you back.
  • tbresina
    tbresina Posts: 558 Member
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    No, I say a mother.........a real mother who loves you would NOT put you in this situation no matter what. I know I would never do this to my kids, ever! Lets face it some mothers are not good mothers, it is not enough to have given birth, it goes a lot deeper than that. Anyone can give birth, it takes more to be a mother, and this clearly crosses the line. If this daughter feels she won't pay her back then she knows what she is talking about!
  • timmymon
    timmymon Posts: 304 Member
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    Time for mom to grow up. Live your own life and spend that money on your wedding or whatever else you would like to spend it on. People do not change. if she has been immature and impossible to rely on in the past it is likely she is just trying to get a thousand dollars from you because she knows you will give it to her. Stand up for yourself! Best of luck
  • Mixmode
    Mixmode Posts: 332
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    No damn way I am loaning someone, even my mom, money if she had proven herself as a liar and a fraud. HELL TO THE NO!
  • LFern
    LFern Posts: 141
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    Being a mother that has not been very wise when it comes to finances - I say DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER!! Tell her you have it invested and can't get it out without a penalty.

    My husband and I have been thru 3 bankruptcy's in 32 years - there are always ways to get help, there are programs and shelters that will help her out if she goes to them. It is NOT your responsibility to keep bailing her out. My husband and I have NEVER asked our kids for money - it is just not RIGHT. If I ask for a $20 loan, I always make sure they are paid back within a week -not within MONTHS based upon certain circumstance MAYBE happening...

    It may seem cruel and you may feel guilty, but think about all the help you've given her in the past and she obviously has not learned from her mistakes. . . and if you are in the UK and planning a wedding - you are going to want her to be there, you will most likely have to pay for her trip to be there. . . THAT will be a wonderful gift to give to her -

    Also I wonder had you not happened to call her - would she of even asked you?

    Just my opinion - the voice of a horrible financial planner with 4 adult children :)

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