HELP!! This isn't health related but I don't know what to do
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I have a friend in the same situation as you..His parents have expensive habits (taking trips, gambling, really expensive recreation leagues (how that is possible I don't know), eat at nice restaurants all the time, etc etc. His parents inherited two properties, and both were already paid off. BOTH have been foreclosed because of taxes..they sold one in time to make some money off of it, but the condo (which was his grandparents), goes into foreclosure all the time and he ends up bailing them out. He feels that since it was his grandma's and it's paid off, it would be dumb to let it go over a couple thousand dollars.
Well, what started out as $2000 has cost them another $3-4000 every six months when dues and taxes are due, and yet the parents refuse to change any of their habits. They are basically laughing in his face, while he and his wife no longer do dinners out, vacations, etc.
You really do not want to end up in this situation. It's causing strain between he and his wife, as she feels they shouldn't be both working full time and putting their lives on hold, just because his parents refuse to change their habits. They make more than enough money to actually pay their bills, but choose to spend the money instead.
I stalked your profile and noticed that you are only 21. In the US, most 21 year olds that I know do not have a huge nest-egg, and still live at home, going to college or just starting out with their first 'real' job...Your mother should know that you wouldn't have a large bank account to just 'give away'. Your aunt left YOU the money because she wanted you to have it...if she wanted it to go to your mother, it would have. Please don't feel guilty about this! My mother has lent me tons of money over the years and I have always paid her back, and even after i have I still feel guilty for even asking her for it.
I hope you can come to a conclusion that will keep both you and your fiancee happy. Congratulations on the engagement!0 -
I have a friend in the same situation as you..His parents have expensive habits (taking trips, gambling, really expensive recreation leagues (how that is possible I don't know), eat at nice restaurants all the time, etc etc. His parents inherited two properties, and both were already paid off. BOTH have been foreclosed because of taxes..they sold one in time to make some money off of it, but the condo (which was his grandparents), goes into foreclosure all the time and he ends up bailing them out. He feels that since it was his grandma's and it's paid off, it would be dumb to let it go over a couple thousand dollars.
Well, what started out as $2000 has cost them another $3-4000 every six months when dues and taxes are due, and yet the parents refuse to change any of their habits. They are basically laughing in his face, while he and his wife no longer do dinners out, vacations, etc.
You really do not want to end up in this situation. It's causing strain between he and his wife, as she feels they shouldn't be both working full time and putting their lives on hold, just because his parents refuse to change their habits. They make more than enough money to actually pay their bills, but choose to spend the money instead.
I stalked your profile and noticed that you are only 21. In the US, most 21 year olds that I know do not have a huge nest-egg, and still live at home, going to college or just starting out with their first 'real' job...Your mother should know that you wouldn't have a large bank account to just 'give away'. Your aunt left YOU the money because she wanted you to have it...if she wanted it to go to your mother, it would have. Please don't feel guilty about this! My mother has lent me tons of money over the years and I have always paid her back, and even after i have I still feel guilty for even asking her for it.
I hope you can come to a conclusion that will keep both you and your fiancee happy. Congratulations on the engagement!
Also, now that I am doing better financially, I still take my mom out, have her over for dinner, etc etc, because I'm thankful that she has helped me in the past---I can't believe that your mother would act that way towards other people who have helped her in the past and just keep moving on to the next person!0 -
Hi
It is so easy to talk about what you should do, should not do, feel and what a mother should do, should not do from an outside perspective.
The way your mother and you interact is years of learned behavior and changing that behavior is almost always filled with emotions of guilt, anger and sadness. But the fact is, it took two to create that behavior. And we often stay with a behavior - healthy or not - till we get tired of it.
So this is not about whether you did the right thing or not, or whether your mother was out of line or not. There is not right and wrong.
My advice to you right now it to accept your decision - if it truly was yours and you agree with your fiancee - because going over and over it in your mind whether you can say no, whether it is acceptable etc.. will only cause stress.
You made a decision, stick with it and always remember you do the best you can at any given moment no matter what people say or think.0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
Read that again, because it is spot on! I am glad you had a chat with your fiance about this whole thing. He is going to be your partner and he deserves to know what is going on in your life.
You cannot choose your family, but you don't need to enable your mum to continue making bad decisions. You ARE choosing your spouse, so you better be sure he will help you deal with the rotten hand you've been dealt regarding your mum.
There are so many options for your mum other than being homeless. It isn't your job to find these options for her, because she will come up with a million reasons why the only solution is your money.
I'm so sorry for your situation, honey. You deserve so much better than that!0 -
Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do
This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.
I could not agree more
I agree. I know it's hard, I've been there with one of my brother, but you wouldn't help her if you 'gave' her that money. It's time she learns how to take care of herself.0 -
Sometimes, some people need to hit bottom before they learn! Every fiber of your being is telling you she will not pay you back, listen to it. By not giving her the money, by not giving her an easy out, you are loving her greatly! It is not easy to let her get hurt, but until it hurts enough she will not change, she will come back to take more! Stay strong, and remember the best gift a child can give to their parent, is to live a happy full life!
M0 -
I have SOOOO many thoughts on this sorry if its long...
I never LOAN anyone money. If I give you money I think of it as a gift, and if I get it back thats a bonus.
Loaning money to anyone is always a gamble. so if you arent willing to drop that $1000 into a slot machine, then dont loan it.
As a mother and a daughter I can speak from both sides of this. I have the most amazing mother in the world and have lent her money many times. She has done the same for me... thing is that she is not able to work because she is caring for my terminally ill father. so she cannot work... she also helps me get my kids to school and to their aftercare programs. I would give her every penny in my check book and then scrounge in my car for change if seh needed it.... but she usually doesnt even ask, I kinda snoop and find unpaid bills and just pay them...
If your Mom is able to work, but doesnt, or has gotten herself into a bad situation due to poor judgement, it is NOT your responsibility to rescue her. Somehow things work themselves out... if she is in trouble with rent, and you feel the need to help, call the landlord and see if you can work out a payment plan for the back rent (if she owes $1000 ask him to spead it out over the next 5 rent payments - so mom would have to come up with her regular rent payment + $200 a month for 5 months until she is caught up). if she freaks about it then something is fishy and I wouldnt give the cash. Most landlords do not want to evict, it is a costly, time consuming process. If he feels confident that someone is helping her, he may accept the offer. if she can pay you back by May, then this would be a good option - she would just pay him monthly instead of you!
Has she reached out to her church for help? CatholicCharities.com can help point you in the right direction for assistance as well. I would offer as much emotional & statistical help you can (make the calls, send emails, etc) but dont open the checkbook.
If she is in the US she is probably betting on her tax return as payment to you - many places will give you a refund anticipation loan - and honestly, refunds done electronically are in your bank within 3 weeks.
The only important things that have to be paid for to survive is rent and food. If your feeling guilty send her a gift card to the grocery store. I did that with my cousin who is a recovering alcoholic - she complained she was starving so I sent her a grocery gift card but it was only good for food (not alcohol or ciggies)
In the end, I understand your guilt, and can imagine the anguish it is creating for you. But if your writing here for advice, you probably already know what the answer is in your heart. People dont change when you hand them a check. doing this for her will not make her be a better mother to you, infact I would guess it will make her worse because now she will know she can guilt you into anything... and from what is sounds like, she will will do it again.
I wish you the best, and hope you can find peace in whatever your decision is... just remember to take care of you....0 -
I obviosly am only commenting based on this status. If this is how things have been, your mom is using you. You won't get your money back and she will continue to use you as long as you continue to give her what she wants. You are helping to enable her bad behaviour by giving in. Don't hurt yourself to help someone that is using you.0
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God has a way of making things right. A lot of people on here have said very helpful things already. I'm sorry you feel responsible for your mom but it really is "enabling" if you help her, and there is no end to it and there will be no appreciation from the receiving end. That money will disappear and you will never see it again, and another need will arise and the same situation will present itself again, you will resent your mom worse than you already do for her behaviour, and your fiance might lose some respect for you if you allow yourself to be walked on. I will pray for both you and your mom, I am very sorry you're having to deal with this. I was an enabler for years and years and there's no satisfaction in it. You always end up the bad guy, no matter what, and the other person is no better off than they were when you started - sometimes worse.0
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I agree with so many of the posters already. My husband has a mother who behaves similarly. She was asking us for money every other month for different 'urgent' situations. Rent, medical needs, etc. Always with a promise of paying it back as soon as she could. After getting burned a couple times, we wised up and no longer gave into her requests. She threw fits, called us names and said all sorts of horrible things. But you know what, she never ended up homeless, she never died, she never got put in jail (all drastic things she told us would happen if we didn't help her in various situations).
She no longer asks us for money b/c she knows what our answer would be. Unfortunately she has found other family members to suck $$ out of instead.
I think you need to stand firm to your mom and not give her the $$. In the end you won't be enabling her in bad choices/patterns of life and you and your fiancee will be on the same page, which is an important spot to start a marriage from!
Best wishes!0 -
I agree with the love must be tough comment. You are just enabling her. There are shelters and maybe if she has to use one once it will motivate her to do what she needs to to get on with life. I would tell her " I'm sorry not this time. My fiance' and I agree this money is set aside for a purpose." and then assure her you love her. If she loves you it will not be for your money.0
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Pay her rent directly, do not give her the money.
Never lend money and expect it back. Only give money you are willing to never see again.0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
I really like this post, I agree with her 100%.0 -
Being a mother that has not been very wise when it comes to finances - I say DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER!! Tell her you have it invested and can't get it out without a penalty.
My husband and I have been thru 3 bankruptcy's in 32 years - there are always ways to get help, there are programs and shelters that will help her out if she goes to them. It is NOT your responsibility to keep bailing her out. My husband and I have NEVER asked our kids for money - it is just not RIGHT. If I ask for a $20 loan, I always make sure they are paid back within a week -not within MONTHS based upon certain circumstance MAYBE happening...
It may seem cruel and you may feel guilty, but think about all the help you've given her in the past and she obviously has not learned from her mistakes. . . and if you are in the UK and planning a wedding - you are going to want her to be there, you will most likely have to pay for her trip to be there. . . THAT will be a wonderful gift to give to her -
Also I wonder had you not happened to call her - would she of even asked you?
Just my opinion - the voice of a horrible financial planner with 4 adult children
I completely agree, it's just very hard to say no to the person that gave birth to you, I'm not sure but knowing my mum i think she would definitely ask regardless of the fact of the money i have left is only for a small destination wedding where no one will be attending.0 -
I still am repairing the relationship I have with my mother, but I will tell you that it's never a good idea to "lend" money to family. Parents are supposed to support children in their times of need. If something happened like your mother was responsible, then had something like, her car stolen and insurance wouldn't cover it, then I would offer/agree to help. If she is repeatedly irresponsible and not taking care of herself, then that is not on you. Remember, you are not her parent. She's yours.
I agree that there are several other options she could exhaust before going to you. I am especially leery since she knows you have a small amount given to you from your deceased aunt. You mother should know better especially if you are planning to use it for a wedding. The other thing is you don't want to do this without you finace's approval or it could damage things for you. I know it's difficult, but she needs to understand that part of being an adult is taking care of herself and not mooching off her child(ren).
Good luck to you and your mother0 -
I love my mother and i know it doesn't sound like it but i think you're right. When I was 15 and she lost her job although i worked weekends I gave all my pays to my family up until I was 17 and she finally got a job and got somewhat sorted. I feel dumb for telling her about the money but she had assured me she was in a better place and i thought I would be able to share that with her not expecting her to want to borrow any of it. To be completely fair as well I am like everyone and have debt( my mortgage) and if i just had spare money laying around i would use it to pay additionally on my mortgage. I've never asked to borrow any money from my mother and it has always been me being the mother to her since as long as I can remember. I imagine we are going to fall out over it but if we do it speaks volumes about her. Once again thank you for everyone who has commented i knew what the right for me was to do any ways its just hard saying 'no' to someone I've enabled my whole life. The worst thing is is that I moved to the UK to get away from all this drama and it keeps following me and it is my mother.I still am repairing the relationship I have with my mother, but I will tell you that it's never a good idea to "lend" money to family. Parents are supposed to support children in their times of need. If something happened like your mother was responsible, then had something like, her car stolen and insurance wouldn't cover it, then I would offer/agree to help. If she is repeatedly irresponsible and not taking care of herself, then that is not on you. Remember, you are not her parent. She's yours.
I agree that there are several other options she could exhaust before going to you. I am especially leery since she knows you have a small amount given to you from your deceased aunt. You mother should know better especially if you are planning to use it for a wedding. The other thing is you don't want to do this without you finace's approval or it could damage things for you. I know it's difficult, but she needs to understand that part of being an adult is taking care of herself and not mooching off her child(ren).
Good luck to you and your mother0 -
Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do
Perfect advice. Don't enable your mom. YOU will lose not only the money, but a lot more because she will disappoint you yet again.
Put yourself and your fiance first. He's your new family.
BTW, most churches have funds earmarked specifically for cases like your mom. They will loan her the rent money.0 -
I would actually write a note/loan document, with interest, and make her sign if you choose to lend it (you can find them on the internet easily). If you don't choose to lend it I would tell her exactly why, don't lie or that puts you on the same level.
just my 2 cents....
I agree with this. Sometimes family needs to be treated in a legal matter.. this sounds to be a case. Especially with her past... Much luck sweetie!
Hmmm perhaps I'm on the fence too, the comment made previously makes a very good point.0 -
If she's in Canada there are many organization that would help her out, probably pay her rent directly so she can't spend it on something else...there are many saftey nets here to keep her from being homeless.0
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Don' t do it, she needs to work her own problems out. This will just keep getting worse if you open the door to "loaning" her money. She will survive.0
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I am so sorry you have a relationship like this with your mom. I have had an equal toxic relationship with mine but in a different way. Do not lend her the money. Help her in another way. Find a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. This way you aren't enabling her but at the same time you can rest assure you are doing the right thing.0
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I wouldnt lie to her, that makes you no better than her! Be straight with her and tell her you love her but you arent going to loan her the money because she needs to help herself for a change. I wouldnt even bring up the fact that you need it for your wedding. That isnt the issue, she needs to take care of herself and not depend on you all the time. You are just enabling her. Be honest and straight forward! Make sure that you tell her how much you love her and that is why you will not lend or give her the money! Here's hoping everything works out well for you both! Big hugs!0
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I'm sure others have said this, but you wouldn't be the one "making her homeless". That's her responsibility. If you flip the situation from the other perspective...shouldn't she feel bad that should would be taking your wedding money? I know it's hard to hear this, but I will reiterate what several others have said: do NOT give her the money. You know she isn't going to pay you back, so just forget about that side of it. It's your and you need it. End of story.
Depending on what country she lives in, you could offer to help get her in touch with govt. services that will help her financially, at least in terms of support or some supplemental income. If you give her the money, she will never learn to rely on herself to stay afloat, which is what she needs. By giving her the money, you would actually be harming her, not helping her. She needs to learn. If she sees you as a source of un-ending assistance and knows she can guilt you into it, she will never stop. Which is sad, because she's your mom.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks, and it's not fair. Save for your wedding, help your mom with emotional support and time, if you can. Do not give her money. Do not give her money. Do not give her money.0 -
I live in Canada and there are many ways to get help when needed. She just has to do something about it. She just wants the easy way which is you since you have rarely denied her before. You and your fiancee are trying to build your own lives and you need your own money for that. As hard as it is say no and let her figure it out for herself and focus on you, your weight loss and your future together with your fiancee.0
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Tough call and I'm sure there is lots of other relevant information you could share about this but from what you've told us I would say that you should not lend it to her. My guess, and it's only a guess, is that if you do you'll never see it again.
My 2 cents.
Jeff0 -
Unfortunately, most everything is health related -- this is certainly stress related. It's a difficult situation, and I'm blessed with a wonderful mother. The thing is, my Mom threw ME out when I was 18 and wouldn't live by her rules. It was the best gift she could have ever given me. Why? Well, first, she totally earned my respect. Second, although she tells me she cried every night, she stayed strong and taught me that making tough decisions can be done even if they hurt and are scary. When my daughter was a grown woman (21) but acting like an idiot with a 4 year old child no less, that experience with my Mom gave me the strength and courage to force my own daughter to move out. It wasn't pretty, but she landed on her feet. I was prepared to go grab my grandson from a homeless shelter if need be, but I thought (and still think) that if she couldn't figure it out, she needed to see her son sleep on a cot in a homeless shelter one night to wake her happy butt up.
She, of course, landed on her feet. When I quit enabling, she began enabling herself -- in a good way. My personal opinion is that when you "help" people, you are often not "helping." I see this with my aunt and her daughter (who is in her 50s, has a law degree but can't hold a job and is still living with my elderly aunt). I see it with my friends who let their kids live with them and walk all over them but don't have the strength to say no. I see it everywhere -- and those people that are being "helped" not only don't appreciate it, they don't respect the people that are "helping" them. So I say, as hard as it may be, and although it's none of my business actually, you need to say no, be strong, you don't need an excuse -- it's YOUR money. If she gave you things before, well, frankly, that's what parents do. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids, not the other way around. Now, if she was elderly and sick, that's something totally different. But if she is able bodied, then she'll figure it out. You are an easy way out for her -- she doesn't have to think very hard if you give her the money. Or try very hard. She's burned her bridges with her brother, and he is her landlord? Well, gee, that wasn't very smart, now was it? And that's your fault HOW? It's not.
Tough love is not only tough on the person being "taught," but it's seriously tough on the person doing it. But you will be much happlier in the long run if you take a firm stand now, and eventually, hopefully, she will begin to respect you and your boundaries. How is this health related? Gee, the stress alone is enough to make most people eat. Or make you sick. So make your decision, stick by it, and don't feel any guilt (yeah, I know how easy that is to say!). Realize, though, that if this is a continuing problem you may need some counseling to help deal with the feelings it generates. I've gone to counseling a lot, and boy has it helped me to learn to set boundaries without guilt. Just a suggestion -- well, they are ALL suggestions!0 -
I would actually write a note/loan document, with interest, and make her sign if you choose to lend it (you can find them on the internet easily). If you don't choose to lend it I would tell her exactly why, don't lie or that puts you on the same level.
just my 2 cents....
rotfl @ thinking she'd get the money back.
cut your losses and move on.0 -
I wouldn't give her money as her pattern has been that she doesn't come through with past promises and doesn't make good choices. You wouldn't "make" her to be homeless, that would happen because of her own choices, therefore, no guilt to be felt. You can "feel" for her situation and perhaps go as far as directing her to some shelters so she's not out in the street, but that's all. At some point, you have to begin to take care of yourself without feeling guilty about it. Being that you are going to be married soon, you ought to tell your fiancee about it regardless of what you think he might say. Ultimately, it will be your own choice to give her the money or not, but you will have being honest and forthright with your soon to be husband.0
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If you feel that strongly, make it a legal loan with a signed promissory note that reads specific repayment instructions. You would however need to take her to court to get judgment if she did not pay you back. As everyone else posted she has to grow up sometime and rely on herself. What happens next time she needs money - she will again come to you.0
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Do not give her money.
I was in almost the exact same situation with my Aunt last year when my grandmother was dying. She needed $1,500 to pay her mortgage and keep her house. I gave it to her with the promise that I'd be paid back when she got her taxes back. NOPE. She blew the money on an RV camper.
These are your elders, and they are adults. Let them figure it out on their own. Use your money for you and your fiance. Sure, it seems selfish, but if you give that money, you will never see it back. It is not your job to pay for their mistakes especially if you know she's a liar and manipulative.0
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