HELP!! This isn't health related but I don't know what to do

I wouldnt lie to her, that makes you no better than her! Be straight with her and tell her you love her but you arent going to loan her the money because she needs to help herself for a change. I wouldnt even bring up the fact that you need it for your wedding. That isnt the issue, she needs to take care of herself and not depend on you all the time. You are just enabling her. Be honest and straight forward! Make sure that you tell her how much you love her and that is why you will not lend or give her the money! Here's hoping everything works out well for you both! Big hugs!

I live in Canada and there are many ways to get help when needed. She just has to do something about it. She just wants the easy way which is you since you have rarely denied her before. You and your fiancee are trying to build your own lives and you need your own money for that. As hard as it is say no and let her figure it out for herself and focus on you, your weight loss and your future together with your fiancee.

Unfortunately, most everything is health related -- this is certainly stress related. It's a difficult situation, and I'm blessed with a wonderful mother. The thing is, my Mom threw ME out when I was 18 and wouldn't live by her rules. It was the best gift she could have ever given me. Why? Well, first, she totally earned my respect. Second, although she tells me she cried every night, she stayed strong and taught me that making tough decisions can be done even if they hurt and are scary. When my daughter was a grown woman (21) but acting like an idiot with a 4 year old child no less, that experience with my Mom gave me the strength and courage to force my own daughter to move out. It wasn't pretty, but she landed on her feet. I was prepared to go grab my grandson from a homeless shelter if need be, but I thought (and still think) that if she couldn't figure it out, she needed to see her son sleep on a cot in a homeless shelter one night to wake her happy butt up.

She, of course, landed on her feet. When I quit enabling, she began enabling herself -- in a good way. My personal opinion is that when you "help" people, you are often not "helping." I see this with my aunt and her daughter (who is in her 50s, has a law degree but can't hold a job and is still living with my elderly aunt). I see it with my friends who let their kids live with them and walk all over them but don't have the strength to say no. I see it everywhere -- and those people that are being "helped" not only don't appreciate it, they don't respect the people that are "helping" them. So I say, as hard as it may be, and although it's none of my business actually, you need to say no, be strong, you don't need an excuse -- it's YOUR money. If she gave you things before, well, frankly, that's what parents do. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids, not the other way around. Now, if she was elderly and sick, that's something totally different. But if she is able bodied, then she'll figure it out. You are an easy way out for her -- she doesn't have to think very hard if you give her the money. Or try very hard. She's burned her bridges with her brother, and he is her landlord? Well, gee, that wasn't very smart, now was it? And that's your fault HOW? It's not.

Tough love is not only tough on the person being "taught," but it's seriously tough on the person doing it. But you will be much happlier in the long run if you take a firm stand now, and eventually, hopefully, she will begin to respect you and your boundaries. How is this health related? Gee, the stress alone is enough to make most people eat. Or make you sick. So make your decision, stick by it, and don't feel any guilt (yeah, I know how easy that is to say!). Realize, though, that if this is a continuing problem you may need some counseling to help deal with the feelings it generates. I've gone to counseling a lot, and boy has it helped me to learn to set boundaries without guilt. Just a suggestion -- well, they are ALL suggestions!

I wouldn't give her money as her pattern has been that she doesn't come through with past promises and doesn't make good choices. You wouldn't "make" her to be homeless, that would happen because of her own choices, therefore, no guilt to be felt. You can "feel" for her situation and perhaps go as far as directing her to some shelters so she's not out in the street, but that's all. At some point, you have to begin to take care of yourself without feeling guilty about it. Being that you are going to be married soon, you ought to tell your fiancee about it regardless of what you think he might say. Ultimately, it will be your own choice to give her the money or not, but you will have being honest and forthright with your soon to be husband.

Do not give her money.

I was in almost the exact same situation with my Aunt last year when my grandmother was dying. She needed $1,500 to pay her mortgage and keep her house. I gave it to her with the promise that I'd be paid back when she got her taxes back. NOPE. She blew the money on an RV camper.

These are your elders, and they are adults. Let them figure it out on their own. Use your money for you and your fiance. Sure, it seems selfish, but if you give that money, you will never see it back. It is not your job to pay for their mistakes especially if you know she's a liar and manipulative.

This truely is an emotional dilemma! She's your mam but, she's a grown up and at her age she should be able to act responsibly. My advice to you is, talk to your fiance and go with your gut. You could lend it to her, she may pay it back and all is well. Then again, she may not do that and so, you will not be able to get married and move on with your life and get married. Put your needs first, whatever they may be! If you do decide to lend her the cash then get a legal document. I really hope you get this sorted out but at the end of the day, your mam can't keep whirlwinding herself through life expecting other people to foot the bill. It's just wrong. If you lend her the cash I really hope she pays you back.

sweet heart you are not the parent and your mum is rotten putting you in this situation, i am sure she is old enought to figure this out bu herself and stop stressing you out. Your fella is right at some point you have to start loving yourself and looking after yourself.
you have to think about yourself this time kiddo and trust your fella is telling you the right thing , if your gonna marry him trust he is telling you no for your own good.
x x good luck try not to stress chicken chops

My advice is "tell your future husband" If your going to marry this man it is important you dont hide anything from him #1.

#2 - Trust is earned, not given....What does she need the money for? Is there anyway you can minimize the amount?

I know how hard it is saving for a wedding so this can be a big deal. But if your just going to hand her the money you will have no way of actually knowing what she is going spend it on. I had a problem with this once with a family member and gambling!

No one can tell you what to do. Family is important no matter the rights or wrongs they have done but it doesnt mean you are obligated to their drama. You have a say so too.

Good luck and praying for you!

If i were you, i would talk to your husband to be about it, regradless if he trust her or not, you don't want to start your life together with this hanging over you. after talking to him you can discuss the reasoning or stipulation of giving or not giving her the money.
Maybe falling to the homeless standard will make her grow up, usallay when we fall on are face our nature is to pick are self up, we are surviors by nature. I wouldn't worry your self about her she will find her way, especially if she is con artist and deceptive.
good luck to you in your weight lost , marriage and your realtionship with your MUM, God Bless.

Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own

It`s called tough love and it is tough to do

This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.

I could not agree more

THIS...if this was a 'one off' thing where she was normally reliable and she'd just run into a bit of trouble - by all means. But, it sounds like she's a 'user' - I had a mom very similar - but instead of money, she was always guilting me into 'emotional' things - once I put my foot down, however, I felt MUCH better and she had to learn to figure out a few things on her own.

Best of luck - be strong and remember - you wouldn't let a friend treat you this way, why would you let a family member?