I want to VENT

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  • alidav12345
    alidav12345 Posts: 18
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    Your situation sounds like mine sometimes. I have been with my man for over 4 years now. He is very insecure......had some childhood problems. I made the mistake of telling him the truth on my past when he asked me questions not thinking he was going to later use it against me. I have had to give up all my friends that I have had for the past 10 years or more. We have had terrible fights over facebook because he saw that I had some of my old friends on there. They are girl too. I have also gained weight to make him feel more secure in our relationship. But now I am working on myself for a change and am losing that damn weight. He wants to get married and I do love him but hate how insecure he is. He still doubts my love for him. So anyway I am getting off the subject you need to find someone that you don't have to play these childish games with to make them feel better about themselves. Those are early signs of a relationship that you might get too deep into and can't back out of but want to. To me if they truly love you then they truly trust you. Yes I do think there is such a thing as emotional cheating on the computer but that is different if you are just talking to a friend as a friend. Good luck in your decision.
  • jolenebrink
    jolenebrink Posts: 9
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    2 words: CONTROL ISSUES. He's insecure because he can't control anything that you're doing. A person in a relationship should never ASSUME the other is out partying, cheating, etc... that's terrible, and he will probably never change. And, so what if you're out? You have a life outside of your relationship, and it's unrealistic if he expects you not to. You deserve a man who ENCOURAGES you to go out with your girls and keep in touch with your old friends.... Even if they are men. He's insane to think that you'll stick around for his crap.

    The one good thing about long distance relationships- the break up is easier. You don't run in to them at a restaraunt, see their car somewhere, or have the urge to stop by their place. Which is always the hardest part.

    Walk away, and be sure to wear killer stilettos while you do :)
  • AmberMagdalena
    AmberMagdalena Posts: 461 Member
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    It seems like every one is giving you the same message: Let that guy go!!!

    For some reason you're resisting the message. I guess like most people, advice can go in one ear and out the other. I'M NOT SAYING THIS TO SOUND UNSUPPORTIVE, MEAN, ETC. Sometimes, people learn by just going through it and finding out for theirselves. Especially people who are independant, break from the mold, free thinkers, as you seem to be (art site, chick gamer, etc). Hopefully yours won't be years of mental abuse before you've had enough.
  • ymiser24
    ymiser24 Posts: 5 Member
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    Hello there,

    I am so sorry that you had to end your year like that. First I want to say that I am not an expert on love but I am an expert on being a woman and finding new independence. I think that first your guy has a lot of insecurity issues and that you should feel NO FAULT at all in this matter. If you know that the truth is that you did not cheat on him and that this all came about because he looked for something and interpreted it the way he chose then it is what it is. I have learned that you cannot change anyone. But you can change you. The only thing that I question is did this behavior come out of the blue? Did he question you prior to this event about who you were hanging with or who you spoke to? Or was he cool about stuff like that? If he was like that before then it is something that unfortunately was bound to happen and you were hoping that he would learn to trust you over time. If this came out of no where then it is even more concerning because he has some motivation in the back of his mind that he needs to spy on you. I think that you definitely should support him as friend but that you should maintain your ground and let him know that you love him but that you will not allow him to degrade you into something that you are not. That he needs to come clean about why he feels this way prior to looking through your stuff. Because truth be told you have grounds for not trusting him. I have been married for 10 years and my husband even when we dated never did anything like that. SMH! I hope it all works out. I am here if you need to vent again.
  • shellholz
    shellholz Posts: 13 Member
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    So how long have you guys been dating? Don't sound like very long. Sounds like he doesn't understand that there were people in your life before him. I have been in a long distance relationship before, didn't work. If that lack of trust is there in the early stages then it will always be there. What made him go through your computer? Lack of trust. So this issue comes from before you were ever in his life. I would cut all ties with him. Just don't respond to messages and what nots. You are a beautiful young girl and if you are buying plane tickets so often then you have a good paying job, right? There are 1,000,000,000+ men in this world. Save your plane ticket money for a nice vacation for yourself. Cancun is nice this time of year I hear.............
  • Hambone23
    Hambone23 Posts: 486 Member
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    Trust is an easy thing to break (even if it's masked as insecurity) and a hard thing to reclaim. You need to decide if it's worth the effort. It sounds like you're torn, so I'm guessing you need to do a little soul searching. (He needs to too, but you can only be responsible for yourself, ya know?)
  • ymiser24
    ymiser24 Posts: 5 Member
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    I will tell you this. Do not get married until these issues are resolved. Truly resolved. The reason I say this is because I was married to a gentleman like this. I could not recognize it because I was so young but the older I got I started to see it. I love my husband (2nd one) now. My ex husband and I are great friends now and I feel we both have grown. I know now in my current marriage the nonsense my ex husband would try and pull on me would never go down now. The funny thing is my husband tried that one time and I was cool as a cucumber and told him that he needed to build a bridge and get over it. I was not about to feel guilt about an insecurity. I told him to pray on it and move on. That I loved him and that I was not going anywhere. That was that. :)I hope all works out with you and your significant other.
  • catherine4211
    catherine4211 Posts: 944 Member
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    I say go find that football team. HA! Not really.....but you know what I mean!
  • TheAncientMariner
    TheAncientMariner Posts: 444 Member
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    You have dodged several bullets with this guy, don't keep standing in front of the gun! Good luck!
  • judy20in2011
    judy20in2011 Posts: 143 Member
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    Your situation sounds like mine sometimes. I have been with my man for over 4 years now. He is very insecure......had some childhood problems. I made the mistake of telling him the truth on my past when he asked me questions not thinking he was going to later use it against me. I have had to give up all my friends that I have had for the past 10 years or more. We have had terrible fights over facebook because he saw that I had some of my old friends on there. They are girl too. I have also gained weight to make him feel more secure in our relationship. But now I am working on myself for a change and am losing that damn weight. He wants to get married and I do love him but hate how insecure he is. He still doubts my love for him. So anyway I am getting off the subject you need to find someone that you don't have to play these childish games with to make them feel better about themselves. Those are early signs of a relationship that you might get too deep into and can't back out of but want to. To me if they truly love you then they truly trust you. Yes I do think there is such a thing as emotional cheating on the computer but that is different if you are just talking to a friend as a friend. Good luck in your decision.

    IT'S NOT TO LATE FOR YOU EITHER!! Giving up friends, gaining weight... sometimes you can love someone and it just isn't meant to be...oh and love is a VERB; it's how you treat someone and show it, not just saying it. He's emotionally manipulating you.. I hope you find the strength to go find your own true happiness.
  • judy20in2011
    judy20in2011 Posts: 143 Member
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    You have dodged several bullets with this guy, don't keep standing in front of the gun! Good luck!

    ^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  • judy20in2011
    judy20in2011 Posts: 143 Member
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    Too many to quote so this is a general statement.

    He's been like this since the first time I went to visit him. I thought it was cute at first but then he started asking who's calling me and who's text'n and then turn around and say "Never mind it's best I don't know".

    I didn't hide this guy from him. He knew very well I had male friends that I talk to. It wasn't even an everyday thing. And I never talked to anyone while I was visiting him. Well besides my mother who never leaves me alone.

    I don't feel the need to announce who I'm talking to at what time when it's harmless chit-chat. I mean sure he dumped all his female friends as soon as we got together. Maybe I should've followed suit.

    You have to ask yourself why your putting yourself in a position where you have to defend this stuff. It's healthy to have a variety of people in your life; male or female. Any one that truly loves the other person owns their insecurity and recognizes that's what it is.. What makes this guy so special that your willing to tolerate it? AND your spending money to fly to see him??

    Really think about what your personal goals are, the type of person you can see being your life partner and why you would settle for anything less. Good luck.
  • JoJoDoerr
    JoJoDoerr Posts: 173 Member
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    1 - Trust is the most important factor in any relationship'
    2- You are a beautiful girl and should only be with someone who will respect you and bring out the best in you! ;)
  • HorrorChix89
    HorrorChix89 Posts: 1,229 Member
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    Wow this thread blew up faster than I thought it would. Thanks for all the support everyone, I do feel better now that I vented.
    Hello there,

    I am so sorry that you had to end your year like that. First I want to say that I am not an expert on love but I am an expert on being a woman and finding new independence. I think that first your guy has a lot of insecurity issues and that you should feel NO FAULT at all in this matter. If you know that the truth is that you did not cheat on him and that this all came about because he looked for something and interpreted it the way he chose then it is what it is. I have learned that you cannot change anyone. But you can change you. The only thing that I question is did this behavior come out of the blue? Did he question you prior to this event about who you were hanging with or who you spoke to? Or was he cool about stuff like that? If he was like that before then it is something that unfortunately was bound to happen and you were hoping that he would learn to trust you over time. If this came out of no where then it is even more concerning because he has some motivation in the back of his mind that he needs to spy on you. I think that you definitely should support him as friend but that you should maintain your ground and let him know that you love him but that you will not allow him to degrade you into something that you are not. That he needs to come clean about why he feels this way prior to looking through your stuff. Because truth be told you have grounds for not trusting him. I have been married for 10 years and my husband even when we dated never did anything like that. SMH! I hope it all works out. I am here if you need to vent again.
    He's been like this since the first time I went to visit him. I got a text from another guy friend who i no longer talk to because of my ex. The text said something like "we need to hang out". This was only about 2 weeks after I got together with my ex so I didn't have much time to let everyone on my contact list know that I had a boyfriend. After he saw the text he blew up and threatened to leave me right then. But he got over it (not really but pretended to) and things were fine again. He asks who's calling me whenever my phone rings or who messaged me whenever my Skype goes off. 9/10 it's either my mother or some people we play the game with.

    I always saw our fights as my fault because I couldn't control what my male friends said to me. If I would've cut them off from the beginning then we wouldn't have had problems. At least that;s what I though at the time. My mother thinks his pneumonia is just karma working her magic. I think he needs to stop being such a big baby and get over himself
  • HorrorChix89
    HorrorChix89 Posts: 1,229 Member
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    So how long have you guys been dating? Don't sound like very long. Sounds like he doesn't understand that there were people in your life before him. I have been in a long distance relationship before, didn't work. If that lack of trust is there in the early stages then it will always be there. What made him go through your computer? Lack of trust. So this issue comes from before you were ever in his life. I would cut all ties with him. Just don't respond to messages and what nots. You are a beautiful young girl and if you are buying plane tickets so often then you have a good paying job, right? There are 1,000,000,000+ men in this world. Save your plane ticket money for a nice vacation for yourself. Cancun is nice this time of year I hear.............

    This would be our 5th month together. So yeah it wasn't very long but he someone crammed 2+ years of dating into 3 months. He asked me to marry him after the 2nd or 3rd month and I said "we should wait" he took it as "NO!". And didn't smile for a good week. When we got together he made a comment about how he likes to pretend that I was his first and only. He went through my computer because I got a message from my male friend and I ignored it. My ex questioned me on it and I said it's just a friend. Maybe I should've just lied and said it was my other boyfriend since that's what he made up in his head anyway.
  • amuhlou
    amuhlou Posts: 693 Member
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    He sounds VERY selfish and wanting attention. He seems to only be concerned by how things affect HIM. It definitely seems like you were giving 110% and he was not. I bet if you start dating someone new he'll change his tune and suddenly be so sorry and sad that you're not longer together (because he'll realize he won't have anyone to put up with his bs).

    I dated this type of guy and he's an ex for a reason.
  • HorrorChix89
    HorrorChix89 Posts: 1,229 Member
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    He did say that if I were any other woman I would've left him on the first day. Now I see why lol
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 378 Member
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    You have dodged several bullets with this guy, don't keep standing in front of the gun! Good luck!

    That is brilliant. Drop him, block him, cut him completely out. He's an energy-drainer, and you've got other more important things to spend your energy on!

    Do it! Do it now!
  • neveahnadira
    neveahnadira Posts: 197
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    Okay so anyway I am/was dating this guy out of state and on December 31st we broke up. Why? Because he decided to go through my laptop while I was sleeping and read messages I sent to a male friend that I haven't seen in nearly 3 years. So he gets all pissy at me because 1. he went looking for trouble and god forbid he found it, and 2. because when he asked me "are you cheating on me" I responded no.

    Chatting on Skype with a FRIEND is no where near cheating. If I wanted to I could've cheated, with a football team worth of guys (okay that made me sound slutty) but I hope you see my point. Instead I was flying back and forth seeing his insecure butt and spending most of the trip in his apartment because he had to work while I was visiting him.

    So just cause I was talking to a guy doesn't mean I was flirting and/or cheating. Maybe I'm blind to what flirting is. I still don't know how to tell if a guy staring at me wants my number or to take my purse.

    I was stuck at my ex's house from the time he pretty much told me to get out until my flight that Tuesday. Imagine how awkward that was. I had to sit there and listen to him tell me what kind of a bad person I am and how I broke his heart and ruined his life for 4 freaking days. I stayed in his room and didn't even come out except to got o the bath room. He would come in there claiming he wanted to watch a movie (guess you can't play movies on a MAC) but instead he would complain more about how he's no longer attracted to me and how I hurt him.

    He STILL talks to me on Skype. Mainly because I watch his account on this game we play because he works too much. He asks me question about how the game is going then random starts to bring up how he wishes he could trust me but can't after what I did. Oh but he still loves me though...so that's a plus, right?

    He recently got sick and found out he has pneumonia and has been coughing up blood. Then he had to go back to the hospital due to an allergic reaction to the meds. He broke down one day and said he wanted to see me again and to fly up ASAP. I told him I would but I'm bring extra cash for a cab and hotel fair if he acts like a **** towards me.

    Now, just last night I told him I was going to my aunt's house to play Wii with her and some of my older cousins (girl's night). Of course due to his new found lack of trust he thought the only place I could be was at a guy's house or out getting my Lindsay Lohan on. I didn't have fun at all. I was too busy worrying about him so I went to bed early and didn't wake up until around 5am. He text'd me saying "you must still be out parting, lol hope you had fun". I WASN'T PARTYING I WAS TOO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT YOUR SICK BEHIND! No, still doesn't believe and then brought up the reasons that I of course caused.

    I have no idea what he wants. If he hates me then why talk to me? If he wants to get back with me, then why make me feel like I'm the worst person in the world? He doesn't trust me because he refuses to. Mind over matter. That's something he needs to do and there's nothing anyone can say to make his trust for me come back. Yes I love him to death and would do anything for him, but I can't help him if he just wants to sit around and feel sorry for himself. It's like dating an overly emotional female ugh.

    This guy is a jerk! This is one of those guys who can't let go off you but wants to hurt you. Please Please Please cut all the ties off him! He dumped you, right?
  • bluebonnet7407
    bluebonnet7407 Posts: 5 Member
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    What is it that you not just want but what do you deserve - RESPECT. and that is something you have control over. You have the power to leave his butt in the past because respect is something he doesn't have for you nor for himself. He sounds like he has a lot of insecurities and control issues. You deserve better than that.

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