boys boys... (dating)
kaytedawg05
Posts: 209
i'm at a confusing conflict corner of relationships right now... the classic 2 boys... who to choose. I have talked to my friends and they just give me the generic whatever makes u happy... well i've followed this advice too many times and end up screwed up... i need an objectionable opinion.
neither boy is actually a boy... boy number one is 41 years old (i am 33), is my boyfriend and lives with a pacemaker and has many health problems. he's already died and been recessitated twice in his life. he could fall over any time or defy odds for an undetermined long time. his general lifestyle is messy and lazy... largely because of illness and partially because the life he's lived has left him fairly bitter and while living on borrowed time, broke from medical issues, he doesn't really care anymore he's just enjoying day to day tv, video games, reading, and sitting around... sometimes he gets a wild hair to take the dog for a walk... he's seriously overweight, but still i'm super attracted to him and while it's a boring kind of fun... we have fun & laugh and talk a lot. and sex is great. we've been seeing each other in some fashion or another since June 2011. I do a lot to take care of him. i help with housework and bring him dinners and just provide company for his otherwise mostly solitary, reclusive life... although i only see him once or twice a week, sometimes more, occasionally less... for all i know he could have other girls coming around, i'm really not sure... not like i trust him completely and sometimes i see cause for doubt, but he says he's got friends who don't come over all he does is talk to ppl through games online or text. i can see easily that it would be hard for almost anyone to be willing to take on the life he offers. he really doesn't do anything for me... last year when i was out of a job he paid me to clean at his house... and our friendship/relationship grew from there. but he's not available to really be part of my life with my family or my kids... and i have not met any of his family and only one group of his friends.... he can't join me in the workouts i want to do... or go camping... his anxiety and illness he can barely leave the house longer than a short trip here or there and right back home... 90% of our communication is by text...
boy number two is 36 (again i am 33) we grew up in the same area... are in many ways alike... we've joked about being the male/female versions of each other... we work together now and make a good team... he has plans for opening a restaurant and we've already talked about me working there. he'd like to see me basically running the show while he cooks. he lives about a mile from me and is around my house often. he and i can talk for hours about nothing and he's really cool to my kids... he came a few weeks ago after it snowed to shovel my driveway for me... he walked through the snow to my house. he spent a sunday afternoon w my dad helping him work on his broken down car... we've spent a lot of time together.. more than me and the boyfriend together, because boy two comes to me... being that i have kids... that makes a big big difference in how much time i have to spend with someone. we often meet in the morning at one house or the other and make breakfast for each other and hang out. for weeks his been forward about liking me and wishing i didn't have a boyfriend... how much he likes my kids & fam... and how much he likes spending time with me... he says my boyfriend is an idiot for not making sure he spends all his time with me... he's already said things in future terms like.. come warm weather i can't wait to go hiking & camping with you and take the kids to the waterpark... boy two never fails to call or text "good morning sunshine" as soon as he wakes up and we talk not just text on & off all day. we only met mid december. we've talked about sex, for which i've repeatedly turned down because of having a boyfriend, and he's been perfectly respectful of my saying no lol. and even offered a massage without flirting when i had a tension headache... also i turned down. but the truth is.. we both really like each other and it's been a very strange connection where we are both super comfortable with each other and help each other in all these kinda relationship ways... even tho we're not "in a relationship." things like helping each other at work, grocery shopping and cooking together...
selfishly i'd like to continue with both the boyfriend and the friendship... for one i really care about the boyfriend... even tho he's obviously more of a burden on my life than a blessing... i don't want to break his heart... i don't want to leave him lonely... with no one helping to take care of him. even tho sometimes i feel like i could stay or go and he won't care either way, all the while saying he wants me around. there's really no future there accept to be part of his life and watch him die... but i think guy number 2 and i might really click and that there's something between us i really can't control. he's not going to just wait around 1-20 years while i am with someone else... and doesn't want to pursue anything unless i "leave the baggage at the lost and found" as he so elegantly put it... guy number 2 obviously gives me much more attention than my boyfriend... and wants to participate in my life...
what's my question?? i'm sure by now it's get to the point... what would you do? what should i do? i think guy number 2 is going to end up seeking an answer while we are hanging out tonight... and my boyfriend is sitting by himself... "being tired" or playing online video games... i just need some objectionable feedback to bounce ideas through... thanks to anyone who's read this far.
neither boy is actually a boy... boy number one is 41 years old (i am 33), is my boyfriend and lives with a pacemaker and has many health problems. he's already died and been recessitated twice in his life. he could fall over any time or defy odds for an undetermined long time. his general lifestyle is messy and lazy... largely because of illness and partially because the life he's lived has left him fairly bitter and while living on borrowed time, broke from medical issues, he doesn't really care anymore he's just enjoying day to day tv, video games, reading, and sitting around... sometimes he gets a wild hair to take the dog for a walk... he's seriously overweight, but still i'm super attracted to him and while it's a boring kind of fun... we have fun & laugh and talk a lot. and sex is great. we've been seeing each other in some fashion or another since June 2011. I do a lot to take care of him. i help with housework and bring him dinners and just provide company for his otherwise mostly solitary, reclusive life... although i only see him once or twice a week, sometimes more, occasionally less... for all i know he could have other girls coming around, i'm really not sure... not like i trust him completely and sometimes i see cause for doubt, but he says he's got friends who don't come over all he does is talk to ppl through games online or text. i can see easily that it would be hard for almost anyone to be willing to take on the life he offers. he really doesn't do anything for me... last year when i was out of a job he paid me to clean at his house... and our friendship/relationship grew from there. but he's not available to really be part of my life with my family or my kids... and i have not met any of his family and only one group of his friends.... he can't join me in the workouts i want to do... or go camping... his anxiety and illness he can barely leave the house longer than a short trip here or there and right back home... 90% of our communication is by text...
boy number two is 36 (again i am 33) we grew up in the same area... are in many ways alike... we've joked about being the male/female versions of each other... we work together now and make a good team... he has plans for opening a restaurant and we've already talked about me working there. he'd like to see me basically running the show while he cooks. he lives about a mile from me and is around my house often. he and i can talk for hours about nothing and he's really cool to my kids... he came a few weeks ago after it snowed to shovel my driveway for me... he walked through the snow to my house. he spent a sunday afternoon w my dad helping him work on his broken down car... we've spent a lot of time together.. more than me and the boyfriend together, because boy two comes to me... being that i have kids... that makes a big big difference in how much time i have to spend with someone. we often meet in the morning at one house or the other and make breakfast for each other and hang out. for weeks his been forward about liking me and wishing i didn't have a boyfriend... how much he likes my kids & fam... and how much he likes spending time with me... he says my boyfriend is an idiot for not making sure he spends all his time with me... he's already said things in future terms like.. come warm weather i can't wait to go hiking & camping with you and take the kids to the waterpark... boy two never fails to call or text "good morning sunshine" as soon as he wakes up and we talk not just text on & off all day. we only met mid december. we've talked about sex, for which i've repeatedly turned down because of having a boyfriend, and he's been perfectly respectful of my saying no lol. and even offered a massage without flirting when i had a tension headache... also i turned down. but the truth is.. we both really like each other and it's been a very strange connection where we are both super comfortable with each other and help each other in all these kinda relationship ways... even tho we're not "in a relationship." things like helping each other at work, grocery shopping and cooking together...
selfishly i'd like to continue with both the boyfriend and the friendship... for one i really care about the boyfriend... even tho he's obviously more of a burden on my life than a blessing... i don't want to break his heart... i don't want to leave him lonely... with no one helping to take care of him. even tho sometimes i feel like i could stay or go and he won't care either way, all the while saying he wants me around. there's really no future there accept to be part of his life and watch him die... but i think guy number 2 and i might really click and that there's something between us i really can't control. he's not going to just wait around 1-20 years while i am with someone else... and doesn't want to pursue anything unless i "leave the baggage at the lost and found" as he so elegantly put it... guy number 2 obviously gives me much more attention than my boyfriend... and wants to participate in my life...
what's my question?? i'm sure by now it's get to the point... what would you do? what should i do? i think guy number 2 is going to end up seeking an answer while we are hanging out tonight... and my boyfriend is sitting by himself... "being tired" or playing online video games... i just need some objectionable feedback to bounce ideas through... thanks to anyone who's read this far.
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Replies
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I'm Team 2!!
As for the boyfriend, what can I say??? For having his life given back to him and to choose to spend it like that is a slap in the face of God! I understand that sometimes we get into a rut and feel sorry for ourselves, but don't bring others down with you.
You are not responsible for his health or his happiness, only yours. This seems like a toxic relationship to me.0 -
Dump Boy 1. Keep Boy 2.0
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#1 brings NOTHING to the table. You said that... Why are you with him??? There is something wrong in you when you're choosing to be with someone whom doesn't do anything for you. You deserve to be happy and loved.
#2 might work, might not. The point is, at least you'd be in a relationship where you receive.
This is YOUR life. Not #1's life only. You'll only be 33 once. Enjoy your years!! Don't drain them on somebody who obviously doesn't care enough about themselves which makes it impossible for them to truly care about someone else. .0 -
Drop boy #1...You might be attracted to him but he is all wrong for you in so many ways. Aren't you trying to get healthy and fit? Being around someone who does not have the same life goals as you is draining both physically and emotionally. They are emotional vampires and will drag whatever will and spirit you have left. His health and bitterness is a big red flag for me.
Date boy #2 and see how it goes. Just have fun with no pressure. He really must dig you because he helps you. He is better for your weight loss efforts and lifestyle. Also with your kids you want someone who can contribute to their well being.0 -
I think if you read what you wrote here you are in favor of boy 2 already. That said my husband opened 2 restaurants and I ran them, it really negatively affected our marriage, not saying it will be a negative experience for you at all, but working with someone you love is very difficult when you both live, sleep and work with the person, and then throw in the dynamics of employees. We eventually agreed to sell them. It is a great dream but a ton of work, financial and personal commitment, and often for very little financial return in the building years of the business. I do wish you good luck in what ever direction you go!
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It sounds like you deffinitely want boy 2 but you feel sorry for boy 1 and stay because of it. I say you should not jeoperdize your happiness but that is just me.0
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I suspect the only thing that is holding you to number 1 is sympathy over his heart condition and leaving him that way makes you feel guilty.
Going by what you are saying he has given up on life and if you stay with him it will suck yours out of you.0 -
I agree with all previous posters, and at the same time I have to say, I would have to put the environment to questions when it comes to my children. boy #1 is not i a position to be a good role model for the children, where it seems that Boy #2 is already stepping up to be that role model.0
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Based on what you've said...
Boy 1 = Bye bye
Boy 2 = Hello
Relationships require two people taking care of each other. If you're the only one doing the care taking, that makes you a parent, not a girlfriend.
Best of luck!0 -
co-dependence can be an awful thing. follow your heart only you know what is right for you. on paper, boy 2.0
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echo...
I vote for Leave #1 - Try it out with #2. Some people just don't want to be helped - you tried, heck - went above and beyond. Give yourself some of the life you deserve.0 -
You've already answered your own question by posting. You know the answer. GO FOR # 2!
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Team Man 2!!! He is obviously making you a priority in his life.0
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Definitely boy 2.0
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#2 Sounds like the way to go. It's the choice I would make, at least! Good luck!!!0
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From reading that it seems to me that you've already made your decision. Guy number 2 brings a lot more to your life by the sounds of it. Good luck. (:0
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If you reread what you posted about these men, you'd see that you really only said positive things about thr second guy. I know you're dating the first guy but you don't have a whole lot to say thats good about you other than the sex. Just through reading this we can see that you like the second guy more, and you feel like he will be better for you. The second guy sounds like he really wants to be with you, and you're already so close as friends, being more than friends would just strengthen your relationship. I think deep down you know that you want the sexond guy, you just don't wanna break the first guys heart. The second guy sounds like an all around winner, he's got everything you want, and you hang out all the time. You already have more of a relationship with him than you do without your boyfriend. (:0
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Regardless of what happens with boy#2 you need boy #1 out of your life. He sounds like he just brings you down. He can't be a positive role model for your kids. the second guy (based on what I read) is.
also if you've been sating since June 2011 and are still unsure as to if you're "together" or if he's bringing other women around in a romantic way that's way too darn long for him to string you along like that. I'd be done with that so fast.
The best idea i guess would be who do you want your kids to be around?
Good luck =]0 -
I vote for boy #2 also. Boy #1 isn't contributing anything to your relationship, but it sounds like boy #2 does and will continue to do so. Also, I don't think you should stay with boy #1 just because you feel bad for him. That does not benefit anyone. That being said, you should choose soon. It is not fair to boy #1 for him to continue being your boyfriend while the friendship with boy #2 continues to grow. Nor is it fair to boy #2. Good luck with your decision! You will make the right decision in the end (hopefully :happy: )0
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Boy 1 - I understand you would feel sorry for him if you left, but if you don't leave he will seriously impede on your life and if I were your friend, I would feel sorrier for YOU for making that choice.
Boy 2 - You have a chance of a real life with this man. Please explore THIS.
You are not responsible for #1, he's an adult and free to make his own choices. If he continues to live as he has been, that's on him. Not you.0 -
Boy 2. i recently had this issue myself0
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I vote boy #2...because I am girl #2 (in the same position...but opposite)...lol!!0
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Honestly if you can't decide between the two then I would say neither is good enough.0
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Boy # 2
You shouldn't feel bad about breaking boy #1's .. he'll get over it.. you need to do whats best for you and your children.. and remember this boy 1 is a grown man, im sure he'll understand.0 -
So you don't want to leave boy 1 because you're worried about him not having anyone to take care of him. So, I have to ask, what did he do before you? And what does he do all the other days of the week that you're not there?
Don't stay with someone out of obligation. If, in your own words, they are more of a burden than a blessing, then get rid of the burden and receive your blessing.0 -
I think the real boyfriend in this situation is boy number 2!
Everything a relationship is, is what you and number 2 already have and do.0 -
#2 definitely. Its not even a contest the way you wrote all of that out. #1 sounds like he needs a mom not a GF.0
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I vote boy #2...because I am girl #2 (in the same position...but opposite)...lol!!
I would tell that boy deciding between you and a girl that I deserve to be first with out a doubt. Couldn't start a relationship knowing they had to decide. I'm worth first picks without a doubt DAMMIT!
=]0 -
Boy number two for sure! he seems like way better choice! good luck!0
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Dump Boy 1. Keep Boy 2.
Ditto.0
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