A Spouse that Doesn't Get it

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Replies

  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
    This is your choice, not his. You need to learn that your lifestyle decision includes living with food that you don't care to eat.

    He doesn't need to get on board with anything. You said he's supportive - and that is all that he needs to be. The rest is you. If you are demanding that he also change you are just setting yourself up with a handy excuse to fail that involves blaming it on him.
    One of my favorite responses here. Be careful setting up handy excuses for failure. When we have plenty of those, they're easy to use.

    I understand making healthy food choices are harder when you have a partner that isn't doing the same thing. But unless you plan to never leave the house, you have to learn to make healthy choices in the face of a lot of unhealthy messages out there. And I don't think you want a partner that would change only because you are changing. Be strong, make healthy choices on your own. Let your success (not your choices) be his motivation to make changes on his own.
  • lynjohann
    lynjohann Posts: 3
    ..lol..sounds like MY house!.... My husband is VERY active 5 days a week....construction..so he can eat a loaf of bread...10 lbs of potatoes...pasta..etc....and it doesn't effect him. Me, on the other hand, going thru menopause, and have decided to retire early, the weight has become more visable within the last 5 years. I've always been the "skinny" girl...so this extra weight is VERY hard to understand. I'm staying away from the breads, the potatoes, the pasta, the desserts..etc...however he's a big fan of potatoe chips, popcorn, cookies..etc... and when I say "no"...he just can't understand why I can't have just one..lol... And forget about the same meals...lol.... He wants the meat, veggie and potatoe (with gravy..if available)...and looks uncomfortable if I just do the meat and salad..or meat and veggie... But...after compalining like this..(and I really think it's just "venting")...he's a great guy, and I love him dearly...but holy moly...no concept of life style change with me..lol... So bottom line...I hear ya!...
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    You can't change anyone else. Only yourself. If he is not willing to understand and be supportive and try to help you, then it will be harder for you. But not impossible. Develop your own routines and stick with them.
  • rayleansout
    rayleansout Posts: 234
    Dont worry about what he eats or deosnt eat, just do your thing. Be strong if he has cake, candy, or pizza - does not mean that you have to.
  • nukehiker
    nukehiker Posts: 457
    my wife has no clue as to what my workout goals are or how much I have lost. about all she knows is that I workout almost everyday, and that I am doing some running also. She eats all this processed food , which I can't stand. we have to make different trips to the grocery store for this reason.
  • anabell31
    anabell31 Posts: 268
    Yep, my boyfriend is a big guy (super tall, not really that big sideways). And he eats disgusting amounts of junk food and burgers and drinks cases of soda at a time. And smokes (I can't stand it). He absolutely refuses to go to the gym with me because he doesn't like gyms. But never leaves his dorm except for classes and work. It's just a little bit painful for me to be working so hard to improve my health and watch him destroy his own.
  • robinogue
    robinogue Posts: 1,117 Member
    He is having a hard time not eating junk food in front of me all the time & respecting that I need him to change his lifestyles too in support.

    I think expecting him to change his habits because you need to is a bit much. As much support as we can all get, it's still a solitary effort. Expecting someone to support you is one thing, expecting them to change is different, and I think a little unreasonable.

    When you change your lifestyle, you lead by example. Maybe he will too, but don't make your success dependent on his changing. You're better and stronger than that.

    I have to somewhat agree! We made this decision to change our lifestyles. My husband eats what he wants, how much he wants and when he wants. I'm not tempted by the pound cakes, ice creams. He inturns buys me healthy smoothies as my deserts. He hasn't changed a thing, I've changed everything. When he craves Mexican food, we go he has his normal and I look over the menu and decide what I will eat. Buy yourself some healthy snacks so when he's snacking you can as well but in a more healthier manner.
  • anulle2009
    anulle2009 Posts: 580 Member
    My husband is a healthy weight. Always has been, me on the other hand has been an on going battle. I don't expect him to give up his favorites or not eat them around me.Personally i feel it helps me out. It makes me stronger to not give into temptation. The only thing i did request of him is no Dr. Pepper. he will be nice and bring me one home sometimes, so I asked him. I do also take my meals i cook into consideration with him also. Most the time the meals i find he doesn't even know are healthy. But i wont force him to eat something he doesn't want to. If i find a recipe i know he wont like, ill make it and take it for lunch
  • kit_katty
    kit_katty Posts: 992 Member
    Ultimately you have to decide what you put in your mouth.

    Compromise, there's a high calorie meal, have a smaller portion and then have tons of veggies on the side.

    Eating in front of you can't necessarily be helped, say if you're watching tv together. Will power!

    However, I have an example, my brother in law almost had a heart attack, had to have a stint put into his artery and was told to eat on a "Mediterranean" diet. My sister said, let's do this. It is healthier and I want my husband to be alive and not have a heart attack. Now I know most people aren't in this bad of a situation but to me what's a marriage without wanting to have a happy, healthy spouse?
  • BrandNewMia
    BrandNewMia Posts: 461
    When I first started I had 100+ pounds to lose. My husband was a healthy weight, and loves his junk food. He knew I had to change MY lifestyle because my HEALTH (not to mention my happiness) was in jeopardy - my impending health issues due to my obesity and sedentary lifestyle affected my entire family. If I died of heart disease, or developed an expensive medical condition, our family would be devastated. THIS is why he altered his habits, too. I think it's really silly for people to say you are selfish for wanting him to change his habits while he's around you - if he wants YOU healthy and happy too, he should be supportive.

    When I first started this journey I had a heart to heart with my husband. He saw how desperately I wanted to change, how I needed and wanted to be healthier, and he openly agreed to do what he could to make things easier for me. We spend 8-10 hours apart from each other every single day. While he is out, he can eat whatever he wants. Fast food, candy, soda, whatever. I only asked that he not bring garbage or my food triggers in to the home. At dinner he eats the healthy meals I prepare for our family. My whole family benefits from a healthier me - we all eat more nutritiously and my young children understand the importance of a balanced meal.

    Over the past year I have become better at resisting temptations, so some junk food has made it back in to the house. But it's very limited and EVERYONE is used to eating far less of it. We got a family membership to the YMCA, which we all enjoy.

    My advice would be to tell your husband exactly how you feel, and try to find the compromise that while you two are apart he can do whatever he wants, but to make your home a food-safe area for you, at least until you have good control over your cravings and temptations.
  • kit_katty
    kit_katty Posts: 992 Member
    BrandNewMia Thank you! This is exactly how I feel! Good for you!
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
    this diet is a lifestyle change & I need him on board too.
    No you don't.

    You WANT him on board, but that's different.
    He is having a hard time not eating junk food in front of me all the time & respecting that I need him to change his lifestyles too in support.
    Be realistic.

    Start by just asking him not to eat crap in front of you, that's not too much to ask.
    Though why you find his junk food temping when you have great healthy food to eat instead, I can't imagine.
  • brittaney10811
    brittaney10811 Posts: 588 Member
    I saw a similar post once and a member had some good advice. He said that this is a lifestyle you are choosing to make. If your husband/friend/roomate doesn't want or need to lose weight they shouldn't be forced to eat what you eat or to avoid thier favorite foods. I am in the same boat as you and my husband brings bad food in the house all the time. We need to learn that these kind of temptations will always be around us and we have to learn to stay strong and make healthy alternative choices. Once night my husband brought home stuff for root beer floats. I passed and instead made a low fat pb&j english muffin with tea. As time goes on, it will get easier and easier. Best of luck to you!

    great advice!
  • BrandNewMia
    BrandNewMia Posts: 461
    this diet is a lifestyle change & I need him on board too.
    No you don't.

    You WANT him on board, but that's different.
    He is having a hard time not eating junk food in front of me all the time & respecting that I need him to change his lifestyles too in support.
    Be realistic.

    Start by just asking him not to eat crap in front of you, that's not too much to ask.
    Though why you find his junk food temping when you have great healthy food to eat instead, I can't imagine.

    Junk food is tempting because she is probably dealing with a food addiction, like many of us. When someone is a recovering drug or alcohol addict, one of the things they tell them to do is change their people, places and things. For some of us, we can't be around our food triggers - it's hard for someone to understand that doesn't have this problem, but staying away from the foods that we love, or eating a small portion of it, is nearly impossible.

    For me, food was EVERYTHING. I ate all the time, happy or sad. If I was in the car, even for 10mins, I had to stop and get a soda or fast food. I had to change my people, places, and things. I left the house maybe 4 times in my first month, just trying to kick my fast food habit. My husband supported me by not bringing my favorite junk foods in to the house, even if HE wanted them.

    Sure, I could have done it without his cooperation, it would have been even harder than it was and would have taken longer, but I probably could have done it. But he chose to make it a little easier for me becaue HE wanted me to succeed, he didn't want to see me sick and miserable anymore. If I can't lean on my husband for help and support, who can I turn to? Bringing junk food in to our house enabled me to continue my unhealthy lifestyle. He stopped enabling me.
  • dkatzoff
    dkatzoff Posts: 3 Member
    Okay I should have made it clearer apparently. I am NOT expecting him to change his lifestyle completely too, but instead to respect what I am trying to do. He can eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, but it would be nice if I could have him understand that stopping to pick up some donuts for us just for the hell of it isn't going to help me & it would be nice if he did that when I am not around. And to not bring out my favorite sweets every night when I am trying to stick to tea instead. Or complaining when I don't buy bad food or make healthy meals. It's not about changing his ways, but about understanding that I am working hard at this & need him to have my back. And as a side note, he DOES want to eat healthier because although he doesn't need to lose weight, he agrees he needs to cut back on the junk, but his willpower isn't as strong since he doesn't have anything he's working for.
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
    Okay I should have made it clearer apparently. I am NOT expecting him to change his lifestyle completely too, but instead to respect what I am trying to do. He can eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, but it would be nice if I could have him understand that stopping to pick up some donuts for us just for the hell of it isn't going to help me & it would be nice if he did that when I am not around. And to not bring out my favorite sweets every night when I am trying to stick to tea instead. Or complaining when I don't buy bad food or make healthy meals. It's not about changing his ways, but about understanding that I am working hard at this & need him to have my back. And as a side note, he DOES want to eat healthier because although he doesn't need to lose weight, he agrees he needs to cut back on the junk, but his willpower isn't as strong since he doesn't have anything he's working for.
    Sounds like you are in a pretty good position. Talk to him about how hard it is for you to make changes when he brings in your favorites. Tell him you aren't asking him to change what he eats, just that you'd prefer he not bring in so many temptations. Maybe you can plan a "cheat day" with him? where you both get to go out to dinner or go get donuts or something. Tell him you want to stat within your calorie goals. Explain that with MFP, you can WORK FOR donuts!! Tell him that if he can help you get to the gym or do an exercise video or go on a walk with you and you can burn extra calories, you can eat those calories in hot glazed deliciousness... Mmmmmm donuts...
  • dkatzoff
    dkatzoff Posts: 3 Member
    Thank you for the post BrandNewMia! It was a good one.
  • kit_katty
    kit_katty Posts: 992 Member
    but his willpower isn't as strong since he doesn't have anything he's working for.

    He's working for your happiness! And your health! Lol.
  • zippo32
    zippo32 Posts: 1,407 Member
    ...............for Valentine's Day my spouse gave me a Cardinals t-shirt..................in size 2XL
    I currently wear a L comfortably....................
  • sailorsiren13
    sailorsiren13 Posts: 460
    Wow the responses i'm reading are very rude and not very supportive to the OP. I understand where your honey is coming from but i also understand where your coming from too. My whole family (kids too) have been eating healthy with me. I do the menus, clip coupons and everything else. Since we have always eaten semi-healthy it's not that hard during the week. The weekends is what gets me because my husband who is active eats like crap. I call it being a weekend warrior. Since starting my journey my husband and my daughter have both lost weight and gotten fit quickly while i am struggling still. All i can add to what other people are saying is maybe you can find a compromise with each other. That is what we try to do and Good luck to you.
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