I just get so mad!
LaSutopia
Posts: 1,164 Member
I totally need to rant right now to let off some steam so if you are not in the mood for it please leave cause I don't want any mean comments...and mind you there is a difference in being mean and disagreeing or telling me what I need to hear. You can tell me anything even if it is hard to hear IF you do it in kindness and not harsh uncaring meanness....anyway......So I am trying to better myself and my eating habits and do the same for my husband and kids. I have not been doing this long, just about half a year. I have lost 47 lbs and have already come a long way in making better choices. I know that the way I have decided to do things might not be 100% the best way or necessary, but it is the best for me right now. I am not starving my self or depriving myself of all the things I like. I was raised with all kinds of bad food and the lifestyle that you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. Also with the idea that kids "deserve" treats, sugar filled treats and that if you don't give it to them you are depriving them or being mean. So I never learned portion control or healthy eating habits. Now I am trying to learn and better myself and undo all that mess with myself and it is HARD! I don't want that for my kids at all. I have decided to limit if not totally avoid sugary treats and junk food with them. I don't buy cookies and candy and junk for the house. I don't see why you would give a child chocolate milk if they enjoy and will drink regular milk. There is no benefit in that people just do it cause it taste good. But we are not supposed to eat things just cause they taste good. Well the problem is my grandmother. She raised me and taught me all the bad habits I have now and she is trying to do it with my kids. She fussed at me today cause I did not get my son chocolate milk and cookies. Wanted to know why I am depriving him and that I am going over board with all this diet and no sugar crap. She said that! It is not that I don't let them have sugar....I just say no to most ADDED sugar. Why eat cookies when he love love loves apples and other fruit....They have all the sugar he needs in them and its good sugar!!! She brings tons over all the time and gives it to him when he is there cause it makes her feel good cause he likes it OF COURSE HE FREEKIN LIKES IT! ITS SUGAR! So when he sees her he asks for it and thinks I am being mean for not giving it to him. SHe will let him not eat his dinner and then give him icecream...I just wanna scream and cry everytime I have to talk to her about it cause she gets mad at me and treats me like I am doing something terribly wrong! She is stubborn and bull headed to the max and you CAN NOT tell her she is wrong. So its just an argument and then she asks me if it is that time of month for me cause Im being difficult or moody....I am trying not to have a falling out with her and ruin our relationship by telling her that she just can not bring it here and if she does I will throw it away and if she tries to give it to my kids at her house they won't be allowed over anymore....I really really want to avoid the **** that would cause but I don't know what else it is gonna take....anyone else have this problem and what do you do?
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Just to add...I do give my kids cookies and dessert type things every once in a while. But it does not stay in the house and they do not get it instead of meals. They have bday cakes and I even get him a hamburger from Mcdonalds sometimes even though I try to avoid the frys....I am trying to teach him to control himself and to know the difference between good food and unhealthy food and what happens if you eat to much. So when he grows up he can make good choices but not totally flip out when faced with hard situations.0
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I have a grandmother-in-law who is similar to your grandmother. The more you eat the happier you are and the more sweets and snacks it is twice a good. She is so wonderful to my girls so I don't fuss too much about it. When my oldest (who is 9) was a baby/todller I hated going there because she wanted to fill her full of ice cream and cookies and chips and didn't care about the main meals. We live about 2 hours away from her so we don't see her as often as we do other grandparents so once to two times a year that we go there I let me kids have a night of fun with grandma. It took me 9 years and her losing her husband for me to let the strings on my kids loosen up a bit.
It is hard! I agree. I am lucky enough that she doesn't complain too much about us changing our diets.
Hang in there it sucks...but you've us to vent on. I hope it helped.0 -
I dont' know how often you visit her or she visits you, but if it is only on occasion I would say let her have her way and let the kids indulge as a "once in a while" treat. As kids gets older they will tend to lean toward the healthier eating habits that have been bestowed upon them anyway. For the sake of all parties involved I would just let her spoil them. If this is an everyday or every other day thing that is a different story.0
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I had a similiar problem with my mom. She would let my kids skip dinner or "take one more bite of this" and then hand over a bowl of ice cream. YOU are the mom. Not everyone will agree with how raise your kids, but guess what, they're YOUR kids. You aren't depriving them, they don't need it to live. Is it nice to get? of course it is. I let my kids have things every now and then, in moderation. I had to end up blowing a fuse at my mom to get her to understand. They get this grandparent syndrome to where they don't think they have to listen because they are the grandma. I had to get my mom to understand, it was also respect. Good Luck0
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It is at least once a week...but she also bring bags of junk to my house so it is here a lot more than they actually see her.0
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Not to be mean, but it's really difficult to read your post as you've written it. Could you put in some formatting to make it a little easier on us?0
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I had a similiar problem with my mom. She would let my kids skip dinner or "take one more bite of this" and then hand over a bowl of ice cream. YOU are the mom. Not everyone will agree with how raise your kids, but guess what, they're YOUR kids. You aren't depriving them, they don't need it to live. Is it nice to get? of course it is. I let my kids have things every now and then, in moderation. I had to end up blowing a fuse at my mom to get her to understand. They get this grandparent syndrome to where they don't think they have to listen because they are the grandma. I had to get my mom to understand, it was also respect. Good Luck
and my kids were with my mom daily....0 -
I dont' know how often you visit her or she visits you, but if it is only on occasion I would say let her have her way and let the kids indulge as a "once in a while" treat. As kids gets older they will tend to lean toward the healthier eating habits that have been bestowed upon them anyway. For the sake of all parties involved I would just let her spoil them. If this is an everyday or every other day thing that is a different story.
EXACTLY what I was going to say. I'll second THIS!0 -
It is at least once a week...but she also bring bags of junk to my house so it is here a lot more than they actually see her.
Throw it away as soon as she leaves.0 -
Your the mother now, it's time for YOU to put your foot down. Tell her that this is YOUR child and you will raise them how YOU see fit. If she has a problem with that, then give her an ultimatum...she can no longer see her grandchild(ren) until she accepts how you choose to raise them.0
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I have the same issue with my mother-in-law. It is a very tricky and sensitive issue to overcome/deal with. She buys those colored drinks.....you know the ones.. they are like neon blue and red in little containers that look like barrels (can't remember their name). I try very hard not to give my son anything with artificial dyes (especially red dye crap). We have had back-and-forth about giving him too much sugar and extra crap. My son's favorite food is broccoli. If he will eat broccoli.....why give him nasty crap??? She feels it is the grandmother's job to spoil him.........which apparently means poison him in my book. I feel your pain.0
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I would agree with the other comments that it should be fine if it is only once and awhile. If her leaving food makes you upset, just say that you are fine with her treating the kids outside of the house, but would really like to not have her bring stuff to leave. That would seem like a good compromise.0
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Move to another state. Just kidding
I completely agree with you not giving them junk food or anything that is not healthy. I started my kids from birth to eat healthy food. My 9 year old loves her veggies and fruit. She gets excited when we get ice cream or go to a fast food restaurant. This keeps things in perspective.
Tell your grandma to butt out and last time you checked she was done raising her kids.0 -
Wow...that stinks! I am soooo glad you are trying to teach your kids healthy eating and don't want them to experience being over weight or not having self control with food. My sister has seen my 30 years of weight struggle and it has inspired her to limit the foods she feeds her children so they never have to experience it. Kudos to you for that and for getting healthy yourself.
I would say maybe make a compromise with her? Since she is over every week why not tell her the last week of every month she can bring a treat to share with the kids. But, let her know it will be this one time and one time per month only if she wants to continue to see the kids frequently. After all she is the grandma, and should be able to spoil them. The difference is not all the time! And they are your kids so she should be willing to respect any wishes you have in regards to them.0 -
It may sound harsh because she is a grandmother, but these are your children, not hers. I don't speak to my mother anymore, but when I did and when she lived near me, there would be all kinds of junk brought to my home. I also have an ex-H and he does the same thing with the kids. They eat right for 2 weeks and then on his weekend, they eat a pile of grease and junk. Everytime they come home sick to their stomachs. My ex-H's mom is the same way. She used to give my children stuff they could not digest. I told her over and over again until one day she did it again and I told her that she could not see the kids anymore until she straightened up. She now gets to see them only when the ex has them and she is not to be alone with them.
You are right and she is wrong. It may give her a little thrill to give your children a bunch of sugar when she comes over, but I would guess that she won't be staying up with them when they are wired, won't be paying the dental bill and won't have to deal with your child when he/she is throwing up because she gave them junk.0 -
You should rant. These are your children and you are their mother. You want them to know the difference between junk food and healthy food. All you are doing is expanding their life expectancy. If she doesn't like it, throw in the facts about children obesity and the factors behind it. Maybe she'll understand that you only want what's best for your kids. I wish you the best of luck!0
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This sounds a lot like an issue with boundaries - you are frustrated because you are trying to set boundaries for your kids and yourself and she is not respecting them.
You have a few choices:
1. Set firmer boundaries with her on what you will allow and things you don't allow her to do with your kids (i.e. giving them treats, etc). This requires you to be consistent in your actions and to be able to accept whatever reactions/criticisms/etc she may dish out in response.
2. You can choose to accept that she won't change and find a way to deal with it after she's left (i.e. throwing stuff she gives them away, etc).
3. You can cut her off entirely and not let her see the kids.
However, in any of these, I think it best that you don't fall into her baiting - the remarks about "taking things too far" or "being that time of the month". it's hard not to respond to such petty, immature things as they're clearly said to upset you, but reacting and giving into her and letting her affect you so much doesn't make it harder on HER, it makes it harder on YOU.
You don't need to explain, justify or defend the choices you are making for yourself OR your kids. This is your life, and your children to take care of. The sooner you stop giving her the space to offer her opinion or her foods, the happier you'll be, I think.
Best of luck!0 -
I have the same issue with my mother-in-law. It is a very tricky and sensitive issue to overcome/deal with. She buys those colored drinks.....you know the ones.. they are like neon blue and red in little containers that look like barrels (can't remember their name). I try very hard not to give my son anything with artificial dyes (especially red dye crap). We have had back-and-forth about giving him too much sugar and extra crap. My son's favorite food is broccoli. If he will eat broccoli.....why give him nasty crap??? She feels it is the grandmother's job to spoil him.........which apparently means poison him in my book. I feel your pain.
oh my god I feel ya! I grew up with those drinks to! Yea I don't understand why spoiling them has become stuff them with junk food...to me spoiling is just showering with love and attention...if you want to buy stuff for them by toys and not food...and YES! If they eat healthy feed and really like it WHY do you have to give them sugar sugar sugar....I feel ya. My grandma told me that "Ice cream is good for you it has milk in it" WHAT!!! I then asked her "so I poor you a bowl of rat poison and milk will you eat it?"!!! I don't get how they can say "its good for you" just cause ONE of the ingredients is a healthy one BY IT SELF!0 -
Move to another state. Just kidding
No kidding! LOL I have thought about it0 -
I was raised the same way, and had the same problem with my parents (whom I love dearly). They watched my daughter at least once a week while I was at work and given the magnitude of what they were doing for me, I felt as though my decision was either accept their help (and their faults) or put my foot down and make other arrangements for my daughter. I was afraid it would come down to my daughter feeling like she would have to lie to me about food, which was definitely not a lesson I wanted to teach her.
I compromised: I didn't complain with the "treats" they gave her - as long as nothing came home to my house, and she was given healthy, complete meals first (which they always did anyway). My daughter is now a teen and completely understands healthy eating, and also understands that those "treats" were something she shared with her grandparents. Kind of like me remembering the joy of baking cookies with my mother.
What your kids learn at home is most important. If you can find it in your heart to be comfortable with a compromise, than do that. If not, then you'll have to put your foot down and be ready for a possible ultimatum with your grandmother. IMHO, it's more confusing for the kids to see the tension about food then to have treats from grandmom...0 -
I wish I had better advice but I think your last couple of sentences are correct. You may have to tell her that it's your way or the highway to get her to change. If she has eaten this way all her life then my guess is that she is not healthy at her age. She probably takes meds for BP, LDL, HDL, or glucose control. You can try to use those as reasoning tools (e.g. you do not want that for yourself or your children), but my experience with older family members who act this way is that they are not open to reasoning. Threats work better. They will likely mock you, either behind your back or to your face, but if you stick to your guns they will concede because they want to spend time with the kids.
By the way, I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your kids and they will likely one day thank you.0 -
Ive had this issue from time to time,even with my husband. funny thing is the kids like to eat what I eat so when I'm eating healthy they want to aswell which became an eye opener for hubby. grandparents are another story but I don't see them enough for that to be an issue anymore/ And the junk being left... Know what I'd do with that? Soon as she was gone each week I'd toss it.0
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I dont' know how often you visit her or she visits you, but if it is only on occasion I would say let her have her way and let the kids indulge as a "once in a while" treat. As kids gets older they will tend to lean toward the healthier eating habits that have been bestowed upon them anyway. For the sake of all parties involved I would just let her spoil them. If this is an everyday or every other day thing that is a different story.
As a mother and a grandmother, I tend to agree with this. When my kids were little they called my mother "gramma-ice cream". They knew that when we went to HER house it was an ice cream free for all! Lol. Of course, I wasn't always a fan, but I figured it was "gramma" time when they were over there. Well- now that gramma is gone, I cherish the sparkle in the kids eyes when they speak of her and the glee in their voices. I am grateful that that is how they remember her. It wasn't about the icecream, it was the whole package of getting to experience their grandmother. Relationships matter more sometimes. Kids are smart. They will get it and they will suffer more from not enjoying their gramma than they will from a little refined sugar and MSG. Just my two cents.0 -
You should rant. These are your children and you are their mother. You want them to know the difference between junk food and healthy food. All you are doing is expanding their life expectancy. If she doesn't like it, throw in the facts about children obesity and the factors behind it. Maybe she'll understand that you only want what's best for your kids. I wish you the best of luck!
OMG don't get me started on her view of studies and research and things dr.s have learned on how to better ourselves. Heavens forbid you tell her that something she did or does is wrong. He moto is "we had these things, and we gave you these things and we all turned out just fine" WE ARE NOT JUST FINE! We are all overweight or obese and she is blind to that!0 -
My dad would help me out and pick up my son (he was around 8 at the time) from football practice.
He would always buy him a MOUNTAIN DEW!! and to boot it was like 8pm on a school night! I would always tell him not to do this, the kid is hyper enough and needs to eat dinner, shower, go to bed!
What changed it? I gave my son a big bottle of the crap before my dad was babysitting :laugh: My dad saw just how much MORE hyper he got with all that sugar and crap. He never did it again to me!!
I hope it gets better for you, :flowerforyou:0 -
I wish I had better advice but I think your last couple of sentences are correct. You may have to tell her that it's your way or the highway to get her to change. If she has eaten this way all her life then my guess is that she is not healthy at her age. She probably takes meds for BP, LDL, HDL, or glucose control. You can try to use those as reasoning tools (e.g. you do not want that for yourself or your children), but my experience with older family members who act this way is that they are not open to reasoning. Threats work better. They will likely mock you, either behind your back or to your face, but if you stick to your guns they will concede because they want to spend time with the kids.
By the way, I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your kids and they will likely one day thank you.
She absolutly does take all that medication but she refuses to see it is something she did to herself. It is maddening. Not only with my kids but to know that if they would just listen to me then they could be healthier to and be around longer!0 -
This sounds a lot like an issue with boundaries - you are frustrated because you are trying to set boundaries for your kids and yourself and she is not respecting them.
You have a few choices:
1. Set firmer boundaries with her on what you will allow and things you don't allow her to do with your kids (i.e. giving them treats, etc). This requires you to be consistent in your actions and to be able to accept whatever reactions/criticisms/etc she may dish out in response.
2. You can choose to accept that she won't change and find a way to deal with it after she's left (i.e. throwing stuff she gives them away, etc).
3. You can cut her off entirely and not let her see the kids.
However, in any of these, I think it best that you don't fall into her baiting - the remarks about "taking things too far" or "being that time of the month". it's hard not to respond to such petty, immature things as they're clearly said to upset you, but reacting and giving into her and letting her affect you so much doesn't make it harder on HER, it makes it harder on YOU.
You don't need to explain, justify or defend the choices you are making for yourself OR your kids. This is your life, and your children to take care of. The sooner you stop giving her the space to offer her opinion or her foods, the happier you'll be, I think.
Best of luck!
THIS0 -
I really like the idea of letting grandma spoil them once or twice a month. She probably likes the faux-adoration she gets for bringing in the "loot", since she and they know it's rare...
I also support throwing it away when she leaves, or putting it back in her car before she leaves.
I have a similar issue with my ex's mother (I call her my mom out-law). She drives me mental.... it's also her only grandchild, ever... both her own children died... so.. even though it makes my skin crawl, it's one of the few outlets she has left -- though I have suggested she go do some charity work so she can dote on hundreds of others!0 -
Personally I like this option. To me an all or nothing mindset will just make kids want more junk and set up hard feelings among the adults. Make sure both her and the kids know there is a once a month treat day. If she brings the junk food other than the designated day, remind her and the kids of what the plan is so the stuff she brought is going to provide a treat day for other kids, and bring it to the local food pantry. Try to involve the kids in actually dropping it off.Wow...that stinks! I am soooo glad you are trying to teach your kids healthy eating and don't want them to experience being over weight or not having self control with food. My sister has seen my 30 years of weight struggle and it has inspired her to limit the foods she feeds her children so they never have to experience it. Kudos to you for that and for getting healthy yourself.
I would say maybe make a compromise with her? Since she is over every week why not tell her the last week of every month she can bring a treat to share with the kids. But, let her know it will be this one time and one time per month only if she wants to continue to see the kids frequently. After all she is the grandma, and should be able to spoil them. The difference is not all the time! And they are your kids so she should be willing to respect any wishes you have in regards to them.
Also try to pair the treat day with a fun activity so the treat isn't just the focus on food. Maybe plan a fun craft, a day at the park, going to or renting a movie, check out library activities, etc.0 -
"That's what grandparents are for..."
Look at it this way: Consider the grandmother factor to be at the very top of their food pyramid.
The ONLY junk food will be from her. ("Aren't you lucky?")
One day she won't be here.
95% of the rest of their food choices will come from YOU.
When they are older, they will internalize your healthy habits.0
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