Sociological discussion on remaining single for a long time

auticus
auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
I've been single largely for most of the nine years since my divorce. I've had a couple of short-term relationships but nothing really lasts very long, for a variety of reasons. Mainly I have not ever found anyone I really connect with.

I've noticed that many people are terrified of this, and hop from relationship to relationship just so they aren't alone. If they can't find someone that they really connect with, they accept whoever for short-term so that they aren't alone until something better comes along, and then they move on.

Last night there was a facebook topic one of my contacts started about abusive men and I made a snarky comment about how as long as they looked good, their attitudes didn't matter.

One of the women that I knew responded that there was obviously something wrong with me because I haven't dated or been with anyone in a few years.

So, if someone has not dated in a few years or largely remains single, do you see them as defective somehow as a person?
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Replies

  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
    <~~~ Defective.







    But it has nothing to do with my relationship status (Single for over a year). I know many people that have been single for a long, long time and I would say they are far less defective than people who jump from relationship to relationship.
  • cabaray
    cabaray Posts: 971 Member
    I don't see them as defective at all. As a matter of fact, if we were ever to divorce or if something happened to my husband, I don't think I would even be interested in dating. It's not that I wouldn't be able to move on, I am just a very independent person and that can cause a lot of stress on a relationship. Luckily, my husband doesn't seem to mind too much! Don't worry about what one person said. If you find the right person, you'll go for it. I think it's better to be alone than to settle for someone just to be in a relationship.
  • Being single is underrated. That may just be the independence in me but I actually enjoy the single life. Maybe that will change when Mr. Right finds me but as of now i'm not looking.

    ETA: Does being single mean you can't have one reliable booty call?
  • I have been single for the three years since my divorce... a little dating here and there, but nothing serious. I find that there are "maters" (people that partner up for the long haul) and "daters" (those that are in serial short-term commitments). I am a "mater"... Every relationship I have had has been something long-term, and, I just haven't found my next (and hopefully last) mate yet!
  • I have been single for several years mostly by choice. I am happy being with me which I think is healthier than just settling for whoever (or whatever) comes along. I often wonder how others view that, although I usually don't care. I would rather be content alone than miserable with someone else. I see others in unhappy relationships but put up with it just so they aren't alone. If the right person comes along then I will explore that route but until then I am happy being me!
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
    Hey, to each his own.
    I'd go nuts single, because I just don't feel complete alone.
    I need my woman - that intimacy.
  • Megdonald1
    Megdonald1 Posts: 149 Member
    in no way are 'we' defective. How is being strong, independent, and self-sufficient defective? I have been alone for a few years as well. In the mean time I have raised four kids, almost completed my masters degree and ran a household! I was just too busy for the work that comes with being in a relationship. That doesn't make me defective it makes me smart! I didn't hurt anyone in the process and I am mentally (and working on the physically) healthy and strong. I am sorry (not really) to say your 'friend' is wrong, wrong, wrong. You are perfectly perfect in being on your own!!!
  • VoodooLuLu
    VoodooLuLu Posts: 636 Member
    nothing wrong at all with being single!
  • Oh boy, if that were the case I'd be the most defective of them all! I was single my entire life and I didn't meet my husband until I was 38 and we got married almost two years later. I had romances over the years but nothing that went beyond two months. But in all that time that I was single I lived a fulfilling life, traveled the world on my own, and met amazing people along the way. If not having a relationship made me defective, then I think defective is the new awesome. :drinker:
  • MomsTooBig
    MomsTooBig Posts: 201 Member
    There was another thread like this started about a month ago...it was quite interesting,

    Here is the link if you're interested

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/452693-for-the-perpetually-single

    Tracy
    13680624.png
  • You're fine dude.

    When I got out of a relationship with someone that I thought was "the one", I made a choice to be single for two whole years for the exact reason you noted... that I was terrified of being alone. Co-dependency is a harsh self diagnosis, but I was all the better for making myself a more well rounded person.

    In addition, my recent readings in school for Psychology state "Even when bad relationships break, people suffer. In one 16-nation survey, separated and divorced people were only half as likely as married people to say they were “very happy". After such separations, feelings of loneliness and anger—and sometimes even a strange desire to be near the former partner—linger. For those in abusive relationships, the fear of being alone sometimes seems worse than the certainty of emotional or physical pain."

    I get your comment though. Most girls want the guido idiot because to them it's a challenge to "change" them for the better. It's self validating to tame the beast so to speak, and that is why they will always pick these guys. Whoever commented on your remark is more assuming and snarky than your comment, IMO.

    So no, I do not feel you are defective. You've made a choice to be single until you find someone who is right for you. Having principles doesn't mean you are defective. It just means you're in the lower percentile of people with common sense. ;)
  • stacey76
    stacey76 Posts: 66 Member
    I HATE being single!!!! I've been single for 9 months now and I can't see how anyone has lasted years being single! I'm happy when making someone else happy....all that "you need time to yourself" and "you need to make you happy first" etc...thats not for everyone. I'm independent enough with a job, house and bills, etc...I hate coming home to an empty house!!!
  • savlyon
    savlyon Posts: 474 Member
    This is something I struggled with this weekend a little bit. I'm finally realizing that I'm healthy--or as much as possible, anyway, for now...

    I always used my weight as an excuse as to why I was single. Now that I don't have that, and I'm still single...I wonder if there isn't something ELSE wrong with me....haha...I know I have my stuff to work on, but it seems like everyone around me is always in a relationship and so easily finds that.

    I'm just not content to be in a relationships with someone I'm not really into. I went to the bar this weekend and I know I could have walked out with pretty much anyone I wanted to walk out with...but it wouldn't have achieved what I really wanted.

    Dating sucks.
  • I married young (19) and my marriage lasted only one year. I stayed single for 20 yrs after my divorce. Those were some of the best years of my life. I skydived, raced stock cars, motorcycles, and had a wonderful time with great boyfriends. I dated doctors and lawyers and whatever in between. I would not have given up those years for anything.

    I found my husband when I was 40 yrs old. We have been married for 26 years. He's the best husband I could have ever wanted.
    Something wonderful is in store for you.

    Ginny
  • curvygirl512
    curvygirl512 Posts: 423 Member
    I see them as independent!
  • AdAstra47
    AdAstra47 Posts: 823 Member
    I think most people would consider me a functional member of society. I have a good steady job, I'm close to my extended family, I do community service volunteer work and church activities and Renaissance Faires. A long time ago, in high school and college and a few times since then, I dated. But I've never even been kissed. Much less anything else. I don't know if I just really suck at dating, or if my weight puts people off, or if my personality is just that unattractive.

    But does being single make me dysfunctional, or mean there's something wrong with me? I don't think so. Sometimes I'm lonely, but I think sometimes married people are lonely, too. I have a cat who loves me unconditionally. I like being independent and not having to answer to anyone else, I enjoy all my different activities, I have a full and rich life.
  • MomsTooBig
    MomsTooBig Posts: 201 Member
    I HATE being single!!!! I've been single for 9 months now and I can't see how anyone has lasted years being single! I'm happy when making someone else happy....all that "you need time to yourself" and "you need to make you happy first" etc...thats not for everyone.

    OMG...this is me too!!

    I have said this before and people think I'm nuts. It is assumed that doing stuff for yourself is what makes you happy....but for me, seeing other people happy, doing for them is what makes me happy, not what I do for myself.

    I'm not alone!!! Yay! Lol

    Tracy
    13680624.png
  • AdAstra47
    AdAstra47 Posts: 823 Member
    ... no, I do not feel you are defective. You've made a choice to be single until you find someone who is right for you. Having principles doesn't mean you are defective. It just means you're in the lower percentile of people with common sense. ;)
    Yes. This. Better to be alone than settle for the wrong person. Excellent advice!
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    Sometime in my late teens I came to the conclusion that there is a sector of the population, more female than male, that are terrified of being alone, and in turn, believe there is something wrong with anyone who happens to be comfortable being single. Why they view happily single people as defective i can only assume is a mix of jealousy and fear of something they simply can't understand. Nothing in my adult life has persuaded me that this conclusion was wrong.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I've been single for over a year and I have been wondering this myself. My last relationship was incredibly demanding, and I found that I have more balance in my life NOT being in a relationship. However, companionship would be nice. I don't see myself in another relationship if I can't find a way to make myself, my kids, and that person happy at the same time. That might mean that my expectations are too high, but life is too short to settle. So, if I never find that person that balances well with my life so that everyone in it can be happy... then I'll just stay single because I can manage to make myself and my kids happy if nothing else.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    This is something I struggled with this weekend a little bit. I'm finally realizing that I'm healthy--or as much as possible, anyway, for now...

    I always used my weight as an excuse as to why I was single. Now that I don't have that, and I'm still single...I wonder if there isn't something ELSE wrong with me....haha...I know I have my stuff to work on, but it seems like everyone around me is always in a relationship and so easily finds that.

    I'm just not content to be in a relationships with someone I'm not really into. I went to the bar this weekend and I know I could have walked out with pretty much anyone I wanted to walk out with...but it wouldn't have achieved what I really wanted.

    Dating sucks.

    I could go pick someone up this weekend if I wanted just to not be alone, but I think that sucks. Also I think that people who are afraid of being alone more easily end up in bad relationships because they flock to whoever wants to give them attention and then end up with a person who is abusive and they can't get out (and then they rant that there are no good guys/women). In my 20s I did this. I don't want this now.

    I get lonely. Sometimes it gets pretty bad, but I think when I compare being lonely but not stuck with being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be with... I realize that lonely wins.

    I just resent people assuming that there is something wrong with me as a person because I'm not hooked up and go long stretches of time between dates.

    Note: I'm not saying that my goal is to die alone, I'm saying that if I don't really connect with a woman, that I don't want to waste my time just so I'm getting some and not alone until someone better comes along. I see that happen to people all the time and I kind of feel that that is a shade evil.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    I haven't been involved with anyone for awhile either. I also haven't found anyone I've connected with, but honestly I have so many issues I have to deal with at the moment I just haven't been looking.
  • thepetiterunner
    thepetiterunner Posts: 1,238 Member
    I've been single largely for most of the nine years since my divorce. I've had a couple of short-term relationships but nothing really lasts very long, for a variety of reasons. Mainly I have not ever found anyone I really connect with.

    I've noticed that many people are terrified of this, and hop from relationship to relationship just so they aren't alone. If they can't find someone that they really connect with, they accept whoever for short-term so that they aren't alone until something better comes along, and then they move on.

    Last night there was a facebook topic one of my contacts started about abusive men and I made a snarky comment about how as long as they looked good, their attitudes didn't matter.

    One of the women that I knew responded that there was obviously something wrong with me because I haven't dated or been with anyone in a few years.

    So, if someone has not dated in a few years or largely remains single, do you see them as defective somehow as a person?

    Absolutely not. It's called having standards.

    ANYONE can have a significant other anytime they want. This only requires that you lower your standards and grab the nearest available person. That's not difficult to do.

    Having standards, waiting for the right person, not allowing yourself to just grab on to something that is comfortable or easy, takes a lot more effort. It's hard being single sometimes, it can be lonely. But I think it says a lot about you when you're not willing to settle.

    I think the best relationships come from two people who were ALREADY happy being on their own - independent, happy people. Yes, there is something to be said about the joy another person can bring to your life, but using a relationship as a solution to solving your own personal problems, filling a void, etc, often leads to unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationships that end up wasting both your time and others.

    Just my two cents.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    I've been married a long time (25 years), but I don't see anyone who's single as unusual. More people are choosing to be single, or as you said, haven't found the person they would really like to be with.

    I think it's personal choice.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    Being single mostly sucks but as with all things in life if that is ones lot then they need to make the best of it as hard as that is to remember sometimes.
  • Jesea
    Jesea Posts: 376 Member
    I think it's better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons (paraphrasing the movie Some Kind of Wonderful). As long as you're being honest with yourself and others- not telling someone you're looking for a long term deal when you're not- than you're making the right choice. Both being married and being single have their pros and cons...and what works now may change for you. You may meet someone you can't imagine living without, and you may find that meeting lots of people is better. No one has the right to say you're dysfunctional just because you're single!
  • No, not defective. People who remain single for a long time are usually looking for the right person - its an admirable trait in my opinion.
  • glenr79
    glenr79 Posts: 283 Member
    I am single because I won't settle for someone that does not exercise or eat healthy and I am fine with that until I find someone that wants to live a healthy prosperous lifestyle with me!
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
    I was single for 5 years after my divorce, then in a relationship for several years, single for 3 years and then found my current partner. I never cared what anyone thought about my choices regarding relationships. I am the type of person who is either in a relationship or single .. i was never one to date a bunch of different people. I am actually happy in either situation because I am happy with myself. I don't "have" to be in a relationship but when I am, I enjoy it fully.

    I think whatever works for you is what works. It doesn't make you deficient ... however, some people who disagree in discussions feel the need to attack a person rather than make a logical argument to make their case. Ignore people like this as they are morons. Be who you are. As long as you are happy, no other opinion matters.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    I was married twice. Never quite happy and always had a little self esteem problem. I had gone from one marriage (2 1/2 years) to the other relationship/marriage (5 years) within a year of my first divorce. Due to the fact I was married very young the first time, I was ultimately single at age 25. During both marriages, I was pretty much "kept in my place" being a secondary source of income in a supportive role. I chose not to have children because of a terminal genetic illness in my family which is a 50/50 deal (you don't find out until later in life if you can or can't pass it along to your offspring). I was often told when showing interest in career paths which would challenge my education, that I had better stay where I'm at or may end up looking for a job. After being single for a few years, I did challenge my education and developed a confident, can-do, attitude and was very successful in a new career direction within an international company. I guess, subconsciously, I chose the wrong personality type in my men. So, for the past 35+ years, I have remained single and when in a relationship, and the fella showed the first sign of subjecting me to negativity in regards to my aspirations, he was dropped like a hot rock. The past 7-8 years I have been alone which is acceptable to me, but not necessarily my preference. I would rather be alone happy, and independent than be suppressed in any way. Strange, because most of my really good friends are men. Go figure!

    The person who said there are daters and there are maters is exactly right. It's nice to know up front which you are. It can prevent some emotional pain in the end.


    Anyway, if you are happy being single, enjoy. If Ms Right doesn't drop in your lap right away, don't stress about it. It doesn't make you defective. Nobody needs someone that saps their strength and personality and it's nice to have someone that enhances them. :flowerforyou: