Sociological discussion on remaining single for a long time

Dating sucks.

I could go pick someone up this weekend if I wanted just to not be alone, but I think that sucks. Also I think that people who are afraid of being alone more easily end up in bad relationships because they flock to whoever wants to give them attention and then end up with a person who is abusive and they can't get out (and then they rant that there are no good guys/women). In my 20s I did this. I don't want this now.

I get lonely. Sometimes it gets pretty bad, but I think when I compare being lonely but not stuck with being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be with... I realize that lonely wins.

I just resent people assuming that there is something wrong with me as a person because I'm not hooked up and go long stretches of time between dates.

Note: I'm not saying that my goal is to die alone, I'm saying that if I don't really connect with a woman, that I don't want to waste my time just so I'm getting some and not alone until someone better comes along. I see that happen to people all the time and I kind of feel that that is a shade evil.

Well, your reasoning might be broken in a way (or perhaps it is just me using a different vocabulary) as to be in a "relationship", I guess you need to start by "dating". Now, if you are unlucky, you might need to date several times over the course of weeks/months/years before you actually meet someone you want to stay with.
You don't always get that connection with all your dates, but you certainly don't get that connection just by walking on the street and suddenly * BAM * you know this person standing here is "special".

I'm not sure what you mean by "single" ("I don't date"? Or "I haven't met that someone special yet but I date"?), but let's put it this way the odds of meeting someone "special" with who you connect are higher if you actually attempt to connect with more people.

However, I agree with the initial quote: "dating sucks", so it's such a drag that being single/not dating is easier...

First and foremost, Don't worry or let peoples judgemental thoughts make you question your values and life.
No one knows you truly and why you decide to be responsible and not to relationship hop. To me relationship hopping only causes further baggage honestly and by the time you find someone worth being with your so jaded by all of the meaningless relationships you have just been in (especially after a divorce, that can cause alot of harm I had a hard time recovering from my divorce, and I was one of the relationship hoppers so I have been there)

I married young (19) and my marriage lasted only one year. I stayed single for 20 yrs after my divorce. Those were some of the best years of my life. I skydived, raced stock cars, motorcycles, and had a wonderful time with great boyfriends. I dated doctors and lawyers and whatever in between. I would not have given up those years for anything.

I found my husband when I was 40 yrs old. We have been married for 26 years. He's the best husband I could have ever wanted.
Something wonderful is in store for you.

Ginny

I love this story! it brightened my Monday morning. :-)

I recently met a guy who's 31 and has had a couple of relationships not lasting over 2 years each. He's never been married nor does he have kids. I was curious and I asked him about it. He was honest and open and just said he hasn't found anybody that he can live with for the rest of his life.
I didn't find him defective, on the contrary, I found him worthy. I saw him as someone who has standards and knows what he wants. I was intrigued at first but not put off by it not one bit.

I'm newly single and while I'm planning to stay single for a while, the thought is scary. Not because singlehood scares me but it's just a scary transition from being with someone for the last 11 years to being all alone. I will embrace it though and so far so good. It's just all new.

I was always really shy around guys and couple that along with the fact that I always kept myself really busy, I never really had time or the inclination to go out and look for anyone. I'd had the odd date with guys here and there but nothing that I wanted to pursue past the first date until I met the guy I'm now with when I was 25.

I never minded being single. As I say, I was always so busy that I didn't really have time to think about it, anyway. I was happy with myself and if anything happened to my relationship then I could easily be single and happy again. I don't need a man to define who I am and being single is great because you're completely your own boss and your time is your own but at the same time it is nice to have someone in your life, too. Both have their positives and their negatives and I could quite happily be either single or in a couple and live a fulfilling life either way.

However, I DID feel that other people judged me for being single. I had a lot of people seriously ask me if I was 'in the closet' and was that why I'd been single for my whole life. When I explained that I just didn't feel the need for a guy and would make time for one in my life if the right one came along, they would say, "Yeah, right. You can tell me if you're gay." It was a bit frustrating that people felt that I must have something that I was trying to hide because I was single. Ironically enough, I've got gay friends, so if I had been gay, I doubt I'd have cared about people knowing about it!

I think deep down as well, I was a little concerned about my long-term singlehood because I felt that perhaps because I was on the chubby side, no guy would ever want me. I think now that I've been in a relationship it has built my confidence more, though, and ironically enough, since I've been in a relationship I seem to have attracted more male attention than I ever did in the past! Lol. So I think if I ever did become single again I'd be an even happier single than I was the first time around because I wouldn't feel like I COULDN'T have a man if I wanted one.

One of the women that I knew responded that there was obviously something wrong with me because I haven't dated or been with anyone in a few years.

So, if someone has not dated in a few years or largely remains single, do you see them as defective somehow as a person?

Absolutely not. Defective by who's standards? It boils down to a judgment thing - remind me..why can people judge your actions based on their criteria for good and bad? Making public comments about someone else's private life seems defective to me, so I wouldn't take the event personally even if it was directed at you. Try to live on the "actions speak louder than words" principle. I didn't date in high school because I was defective in a lot of areas, but now I am way past high school and I have worked consistently to fill the gaps and smooth the rough edges that were keeping me down. I am still single but I'm a completely different person and have lots of friends who would say I am complete/fulfilled. I feel that way inside too. So...sometimes being single could mean you have things to get over but it could also mean your attention is focused outside of intimate relationships. Or, it could mean you're happy being single!

After surviving an abusive relationship, I have been single for 11 years. I am NOT defective. On the contrary, I have used this time to get myself together and come close to being the fun, loving, creative and trusting person I was before this realtionship. The psychological damage done was extensive, but not irrepearable. I am now ready to meet others as who I truly am, not with the extra baggage that would have ruined a good relationship.

I think the best relationships come from two people who were ALREADY happy being on their own - independent, happy people. Yes, there is something to be said about the joy another person can bring to your life, but using a relationship as a solution to solving your own personal problems, filling a void, etc, often leads to unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationships that end up wasting both your time and others.

Just my two cents.

^^This. Glad I am not the only person that believes this! Or, rather, I guess what I am looking for is someone that is happy being an independent, single person with their own interests that fulfill their life, not a person. I am of the notion that I am not going to serial date to find a partner, I'm just going to let it happen, when it happens - and have fun enjoying my hobbies and other interests in the meantime! I've learned I don't want to be in a relationship, just to be in a relationship - if I am not into that person, I'm not happy, and I learned how to be happy & single instead. So, I see nothing wrong with being single for what others may think is an extended period of time.

Naaa you are not defective ...people who can actually find validation within themselves are pretty cool ... It takes some serious self love to have an idea of what you want in a partner and hold out for that person . I met my husband when I was 12...started hanging around crushng on him at 13 ..he asked me out just before I turned 14 ....here I am turning 33 this month and still holding on to this relationship. It's a very rocky/toxic relationship at times...but something in me is scared to death of being single...I have never gone on an actual date ...I wouldn't know how...that to me is far more defective.

I married the first guy I was ever "with", my first real boyfriend. I was married at 20 yrs old and decided to leave him when I was 23 yrs old due to multiple reasons but him being a critical demanding a** being the most significant of those. I was broken and damaged with very little self esteem at that point but I pushed on and met my love John at age 25, he died when I was 27 yrs old. I went through a horrible period of my life after that and basically just been back in a good place for the past year. I feel as though I actually am "damaged" but because of this "damage" that I've been through (hell and back) I believe that I have actually become such a better and happier person now than I have ever been in my whole life. I know what makes me happy, what doesn't and I enjoy the little things in life. I believe I am finally ready to find love again but I am not rushing that now because I want the best guy for me and I will wait to find him. I am about to turn 32 years old and it kind of freaks me out because I would like to have children but I have put my faith into God and know that my soulmate will find me and I will be ready for him

:flowerforyou:

I'm single, and have been for a while, but I don't view myself as defective. I don't really like being single. I'm a quiet guy and have a hard time meeting people, but that is a personality trait and not a defect.

Honey I have been through it you hear me! From an abusive relationship to a man that cheated like it was part of his religion. I am now a single mother of three and for the record I was Never married. I have had more issues than a few and have been single for over 7 years. I have hated it and then I have loved it. At first I thought weight loss would cure the problem but now I know I needed to go through all this to find out who I was. The end result and I do mean end because there isnt enough computer screen to type a full life detail. Is that I wasnt who I needed to be at that time weight was not the issue but it was a factor. I was depressed and sad and consistantly hurt....But guess what I could be all that 65 pounds smaller and I hear many a person smaller than me complain more than I do.....I am still a work in progress today I am 71.6 pounds down WHOOOTT WHOOT! I am still single and not defective I am sure of who I am and I know who I am which is a better gift to offer the blessing of a man that will be given to me at the right time. Sometime single means simply working to be a better me. Plus there are factors that I look for now that I did not know would be important before. You need to care about your heatlh, diet and exercise and I want you to support mine. Wow who knew a year and a half ago that would be a factor? So good thing I was working on me huh? I dont think I sound defective......

I've been celibate for 25 years post divorce. The divorce was due to a combination of issues, including him not being able to keep his junk in his pants and I being very independent and not needing a man to take care of me. (Plus, I am not fond of double-dippers.)

I was dating a man a few years ago. In January of the one year, I was in a car accident. I didn't call him because he lived over an hour away and I was okay except for a torn muscle in my neck. Had to wear a neck brace and could not drive for long distances. So, he calls me about two weeks later and asks if I could come down for the weekend. I tell him that I had an accident and couldn't drive at the moment. He yells at me, "How am I to take care of you if you don't tell me that you are hurt?" Okay, so now I know that he wants to know these things. In February, I slipped and fell, fracturing three ribs. So I call him, because I don't want him to be upset, and tell him that I slipped and fell and fractured three ribs, but I am okay and able to take care of myself. We talked for a while and that was that. A week later, he calls me and says, "I don't think that this will work out. I need a strong woman." WTF!!! I take care of the car accident and don't call him and he gets pissed. I call him because I fractured my ribs and he dumps me because he needs a strong woman.

I sometimes think that men don't know what they really want in a woman.

I enjoy living alone because I can come and go as I please. I don't have to pick up after anyone, especially since my children have flown the coop. I cook what I want when I want and eat it where I want. Yes, I have to take out the garbage, gas up the car, and such, but, in all, I wouldn't change a thing. At least I don't have to deal with some man who can't make up his mind about what he wants in a woman.

It is not that I am defective. I am a very strong, independent, free-thinking woman. Many men are intimidated by me. I know this and think it is so funny. I currently have a guy I met at the theater last weekend chasing me. I am finding it kind of obnoxious really. I just don't want to have a relationship with some clingy and needy person. I enjoy doing things alone, have traveled and camped alone, etc. So really not interested in the ball and chain, even if it is a non-marriage relationship. I can't stand being smothered like that.

I just had a friend say that she and her husband would be interested in 'double dating' with me and this guy. She never offered to spend time with me before, but this is because society is couple oriented. I don't get upset about that, though. It is just that way. People like to be assured that there is going to be someone they know at parties, bars, etc. Marriage offers that to them. Myself, I find it fun to walk into a theater, museum, or other place alone and talk with people who are total strangers to me. Maybe it is that anonymous thing. I don't know and I never explored it all that much. I just know I like it this way.

I could go pick someone up this weekend if I wanted just to not be alone, but I think that sucks. Also I think that people who are afraid of being alone more easily end up in bad relationships because they flock to whoever wants to give them attention and then end up with a person who is abusive and they can't get out (and then they rant that there are no good guys/women). In my 20s I did this. I don't want this now.

I get lonely. Sometimes it gets pretty bad, but I think when I compare being lonely but not stuck with being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be with... I realize that lonely wins.

I just resent people assuming that there is something wrong with me as a person because I'm not hooked up and go long stretches of time between dates.

Note: I'm not saying that my goal is to die alone, I'm saying that if I don't really connect with a woman, that I don't want to waste my time just so I'm getting some and not alone until someone better comes along. I see that happen to people all the time and I kind of feel that that is a shade evil.

I've been married, divorced, single for years at a time, and dated, and by far the lonliest I've ever felt in my life was when I was in relationships with the wrong person. You are not at all "defective" for preferring to be single rather than with someone who isn't right for you; that's a healthy outlook!

People will always find some reason to judge you. When I was single I got the pity looks. When I was married people were always asking me when I planned to have kids and when I told them that I don't want kids....woooo boy, was that ever a judgemental look! You just have to do what's right for you and realize that people's judgements stem from their own insecurities.

As for me, I am the most content I've ever been in my life and am marrying a wonderful guy in April. I never would've been with this wonderful guy if I hadn't made the decision to be single rather than be in relationships that were wrong for me. Don't listen to the haters!