Reflection....I Never Want to Go Back There!

Reading all of these forums today about other people's struggles have got to thinking about my struggles with emotional eating and body image issues. I remember the days of eating a whole medium pizza all by myself just because I could. I could polish off an entire party size bag of Doritos like it was nothing. Taco Bell, McDonalds and oh the tons of soda that I used to drink. And oh, I cannot forget the party of bag of skittles I used to sit down and sort out all of the red ones and eat them. And oh did I mention the bags upon bags of gum balls I used to chew??? And everytime I looked in the mirror I started not to be able to recognize myself. I wasnt always like this..I didnt always eat like this....it all started when I got out of college and started working full time at a sit down job. Not that my sit down job was to blame but I got complacent. All of a sudden my clothes were fitting anymore and I now had to shop at Lane Bryant. What happened? I was depressed all the time and no one was saying anything to me! My boyfriend (who is now my husband) kept telling me that if I wasnt happy with the way that I looked that I needed to do something about it and stop complaining. But my way of not complaining was to sit on the couch and devour an entire bag of Oreo cookies, followed by a 2 liter of pepsi. I was so disgusted with myself that I resorted to doing unthinkable things to myself (do not care to mention) because I thought I was I wasnt lovable and that no one would accept me because of the way that I looked. Im surprised that I wasnt alot more than 200 lbs when I finally went to the doctor to get weighed. I see pictures of myself when I was 19, 20, 21 and dont even recognize that person. My face so bloated from all the crap I was eating...my chest was HUGE, not to mention my thighs. Granted I have alot of muscle but STILL! There was no excuse.

When I think back to my journey and how I had to overcome so many roadblocks (and I still have roadblocks), I think about how I never want to go back there. And how I look at it: IM ONLY ONE MEAL AWAY FROM GOING BACK THERE! One thing can so easily set off a domino effect to the point where I am binge eating on cookies and ice cream. And then thats when the overexercising begins to compensate for the binges. And I know at that point that I am only chasing my tail.

My point to this whole post is that I am really grateful to all of the people that stood by me during my weight loss journey and didnt let me give up. There were so many times I wanted to give up....I want to thank my personal training clients as well (you know who you are) because you have been there right with me, literally through the thick AND the thin. You believed in my abilities as a trainer and looked past my appearance which was a work in progress. Even when I went back to the "dark side" you were still right there with me. And for that I will be ever so grateful. My husband is also a HUGE part of this because without him, I wouldnt have been able to do what I have done. He has had to endure so much of my crap (as far as my eating issues and body image issues) over the years and still has managed to encourage me to be the best that I can be. He was there from day one, when I was thinner, to my highest weight and everything in between.

You guys are very strong and I know you will reach your goal. When you think that you want to give up and give in, just reflect back on how far you have already come. Think about your accomplishments so far...for me I think about my first half marathon and how my muscles cramped the whole time but I ran across that finish line...I didnt give up. For me, giving up is NOT AN OPTION!

This is a journey, a lifelong journey and I know that I will always come to a roadblock with my eating but I try and reflect on what things were like for me 15+ years ago. We all have our own roadblocks that we must face...the key is to never give up! NO matter what. Its not an option!

Have a great day, everyone!