I broke up with my girlfriend of 12 years....
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SGartz
Posts: 57
Ok, I just wanted to explain my situation and maybe get a little advice or support, anything really.
Me and my long term girlfriend of 12 years recently split up, we had been living together for 10 years and have a 5 year old boy who we both love very much. There's no 'other' person involved at either side, the problem between us seems to be that we do not bring out the best in each other. We can go through periods where everything seems fine, but then for some reason, things will always seem to go downhill. I personally feel like I do not have much freedom when she is around, she rarely goes out of the house apart from when she goes to work, I feel like I do not have my own space.
When she's around I also of late seem to go into my shell a little bit, we don't communicate like we should and I can be a but snappy and short tempered with her when from here point of view she hasn't done much wrong. Things came to a head about a week ago when she made a big effort to make me a dinner, which was really nice but I told her I couldn’t eat it, I nitpicked at the tiniest of things and I know I upset her a lot. I’ve been beating myself up about this for days, why would I treat someone I love like that? I know I am not a bad person, but when I am with her for long periods of time I find it hard to open up, express myself.
Our sex life of late is pretty nonexistent and I feel deep down that she doesn’t find me attractive or as attractive as she used to. I actually thought that I may be suffering from some form of depression, why do I not want to make her the happiest girl in the world, I don’t feel like I can tell her I love her, it just won’t come out although I do care for her. So anyway, we had a long chat about a week ago and I tried to explain how I felt, she actually was really cool about it, I was expecting tears but she was really understanding, she says she knows I am not a bad person and that it wasn’t the real ‘me’ who was mean about the dinner. She’s noticed a difference in me. On her own back, she decided to move out of the house and she is now living (for the past week) at her mum and dads house, with our son. I offered to move out as I didn’t want to up-root my sun, but her parents house is very near and they have lots of space, she seems happy enough there for the time being until we sort things out further.
The strange thing is, although I miss her (especially during the lonely nights!) I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel like myself again – I don’t feel depressed in the slightest. I have more energy, I am doing lots of housework I probably would not do, I’m ironing all the clothes – I seem to have a skip in my step! It’s like a cloud has been lifted away from me.
Even more strange was that she came to see me last night (With our son) for a bit of a talk, and the way we spoke, we’ve not been like that together for a long time, we were laughing, speaking about our day, I was asking her about what she’s been up to – this is something I had withdrawn from doing before a little.
I am a little concerned that the more time we spend together when we are ‘getting on’ could lead to us getting back together or the feeling like we should get back together but I know that things would just go back to how they were, like a vicious circle. I genuinely do not know what to do, am I making a huge mistake, it does seem like I have a few issues when we are together. If I make the decision to not get back together would I regret it months down the line, how will I react when she inevitable finds a new guy etc.
Sorry for the long post, I guess I am still searching around for an answer!
Me and my long term girlfriend of 12 years recently split up, we had been living together for 10 years and have a 5 year old boy who we both love very much. There's no 'other' person involved at either side, the problem between us seems to be that we do not bring out the best in each other. We can go through periods where everything seems fine, but then for some reason, things will always seem to go downhill. I personally feel like I do not have much freedom when she is around, she rarely goes out of the house apart from when she goes to work, I feel like I do not have my own space.
When she's around I also of late seem to go into my shell a little bit, we don't communicate like we should and I can be a but snappy and short tempered with her when from here point of view she hasn't done much wrong. Things came to a head about a week ago when she made a big effort to make me a dinner, which was really nice but I told her I couldn’t eat it, I nitpicked at the tiniest of things and I know I upset her a lot. I’ve been beating myself up about this for days, why would I treat someone I love like that? I know I am not a bad person, but when I am with her for long periods of time I find it hard to open up, express myself.
Our sex life of late is pretty nonexistent and I feel deep down that she doesn’t find me attractive or as attractive as she used to. I actually thought that I may be suffering from some form of depression, why do I not want to make her the happiest girl in the world, I don’t feel like I can tell her I love her, it just won’t come out although I do care for her. So anyway, we had a long chat about a week ago and I tried to explain how I felt, she actually was really cool about it, I was expecting tears but she was really understanding, she says she knows I am not a bad person and that it wasn’t the real ‘me’ who was mean about the dinner. She’s noticed a difference in me. On her own back, she decided to move out of the house and she is now living (for the past week) at her mum and dads house, with our son. I offered to move out as I didn’t want to up-root my sun, but her parents house is very near and they have lots of space, she seems happy enough there for the time being until we sort things out further.
The strange thing is, although I miss her (especially during the lonely nights!) I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel like myself again – I don’t feel depressed in the slightest. I have more energy, I am doing lots of housework I probably would not do, I’m ironing all the clothes – I seem to have a skip in my step! It’s like a cloud has been lifted away from me.
Even more strange was that she came to see me last night (With our son) for a bit of a talk, and the way we spoke, we’ve not been like that together for a long time, we were laughing, speaking about our day, I was asking her about what she’s been up to – this is something I had withdrawn from doing before a little.
I am a little concerned that the more time we spend together when we are ‘getting on’ could lead to us getting back together or the feeling like we should get back together but I know that things would just go back to how they were, like a vicious circle. I genuinely do not know what to do, am I making a huge mistake, it does seem like I have a few issues when we are together. If I make the decision to not get back together would I regret it months down the line, how will I react when she inevitable finds a new guy etc.
Sorry for the long post, I guess I am still searching around for an answer!
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Replies
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It gets easier. I left my children's father 5 years ago, and I know a lot of people are probably shocked that you can do something so "selfish" when you have a child. And tbh, I struggled with it for a long time too, I felt I'd made my bed and had to lie in it etc...
But just like you, I could recognise that we brought out the worst in each other. I was chatty and a bit slap dash about things and he was a perfectionist and couldn't see the point of 'wondering' about variables. We were just so badly suited that we irritated each other immensely just by being ourselves! And you CAN'T be anything other than yourself.
The worst bit is TELLING everybody, seeing everybody's faces, digesting the news, being disappointed for you, for your child (even though I'm sure he will be FINE). people ARE very conventional. There is STILL this perception that a family is a mum and a dad and 2.4 children and a volvo and a labrador. Well, I hate to disappoint people but my children ARE happy. They're doing really well in school. They don't question things because their father and I split up when they were very young. I think it's harder the longer you leave it. So good move doing it NOW and not waiting another five years.
Work on compromising. Before you instantly say no to some request to change the weekend, or to take your son to London/Dublin/Glasgow for the weekend, stop and think, WHAT would I say if this were anybody else, OTHER than my x? would I compromise for another person???
You'll all be happier a year from now. Staying in a rotten relationship is just MISERABLE< and a lousy environment for a child to grow up in.0 -
Congrats on your bravery for telling us all here.
IMHO you are making the right choice. As Margo says, your kids can be happy, indeed happier because mum and dad are happier people.
Good that you came to a mutual decision and I think her moving nearby was a wise move as you can all stay close together.
I know the feeling of worrying you'll go back - be careful and don't do it just because of your son. All 3 of you need to be happy.
Best of luck.0 -
First of all : good thing is you can talk together!
Communication is the key to solve any social riddle.
Second : it's normal that you feel a relief since you were oppressed by the lack of space. And it is normal to need some space for yourself, some time on your own... Some couple, who are very much in love, choose to live in different houses! That way, they have plenty of space and time alone, and are still very happy when they "date" together!
I think this is a good option when you have the money to afford two houses...
Another option : move in a bigger house together so that you can both have your own room (for some men, its called the "garage"!lol :P). And/or : try to arrange your schedule so that you are not both in the house at the same time. For an example, I go to bed at 9:00pm (since I am an early bird!) and my husband stay awake until around midnight! It is "his time" where he can relax, play video games, etc.
Think about it and ask yourself what do you really want ? Than talk to your wife and ask her what SHE really wants... And together try to find the best of the two worlds. Good luck eighter path you choose (break up or stay together). 
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There are several things I COULD say, being divorced twice & right now quite happy about it, but, in reality if you really care about your relationship, find out what's bothering you. You sound like most other recently split couples...doing extra stuff you weren't doing when together.....but the fact is that one day that will wear off too. Don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against marriage, & would maybe enjoy the company again one day, but right now I like being single, & I've been divorced for several years. I'm also 62 yrs old which I'm sure makes my wants & needs different than yours. I'm sure there are plenty of people with plenty of ideas to share, but from experience I would find someone professional to help you get to the bottom of it. Good luck & I'm sure you'll find your happiness if you look hard enough. Been there, done that.
P.S. The amout of relationships that get back together without finding why it is where it is now, end in diaster. Just the facts & some experience0 -
The same thing happened to me (although no child involved). I got worried that after we had broken up, we started to get on more and he even suggested we got back together.
After much thought I decided not to, even though it was hard because he was one of my best friends, the thought of loosing him as a friend was the fear I clung onto for years so i ignored the fact we were NOT suited for each other.
But after we spent time apart and realised that we functioned better as friends, it was so much better to just accept that, as it was a clean break up, we could still share the same friends and there was no hard feelings.
I think you should be really happy that you are getting on better now, as your child will notice this and know its ok that you guys are separated and you can still be the best parents you can be by getting on together.0 -
Sounds like you still love her. I wonder if counselling would have helped? Having said that if you feel such a relief being alone I'd say that shows that your better off apart. I'm step mum to 2 kids and they are very happy and well adjusted. I have no doubt they are happier having me as a step mum and having half their time here with a happy dad and loving step mum, than they would have been if their parents were still together and unhappy. The lad was 5 when they spli also. Now 10. He has aspergers and sever dyspraxia and has still adjusted amazingly well. Being together for the kids is actually bad for the kids if that's the only reason your together. I think if this was wrong you wouldn't feel so relieved. Good luck, this must be a hard time!
Zara0 -
Take a deep breath. I made a similar decision when I decided to get divorced from my spouse of 15 years and we have 4 children. I felt horribly guilty. The decision was very difficult but we had come to different places in our lives and we grew into people on two different paths during our 15 years together. My ex has remarried and I get to be the dad that I want to be and the person that I want to be.
Your decision was difficult but when you're with someone you want to compliment one another. You want to be with someone because they bring out the best in you. Not because they demand it but because inside they make you happy and you want to make them happy so you try for one another.
Like I said take a deep breath. If you're happy with yourself and your ex is happy with herself perhaps you both needed some "space" to see what was lacking. Be objective in your decision. Yes the "lonely nights" are difficult, but often temporary. Find a way to occupy them. Good luck.0 -
Welcome to the human race.
You just described most relationships that are allowed to digress into gloom.
It's work to maintain a solid bond, and unless both parties are willing to work at making the union strong, forget it.
You both should try for the kid's sake; parents breaking up is something kids never really get over.
Again, it takes mutual effort, and short of that, you're better off leaving. Don't stay with a SO who does nothing but just suck the life out of you.
Thanks for sharing, and I wish you well.0 -
From what you have said i think you have made the best decision on both parts and also for your son. My parents divorced when i was nearly 15 and i feel they held on for so long and it impacted on me when they should have really done it 10 years earlier.
I think you become very used to routine in a long term relationship and this is what makes the split very hard. We all love routine and when it is taken away from us we kind of panic and then think the nest thing to do is to go back into it. If you openly admit things haven't been right for a while that is the first step in getting things sorted for all 3 of you. Admitting there is a problem about any situation is always the toughest thing. The way you say you chat comfortably around eachother now is great. You clearly work better as friends rather than as a couple. That is a good thing and will benefit your son massively. It is very hard when your parents don;t see eye to eye and struggle to communicate with eachother rationally.
I think giving yourself some space after 12 years will help you both discover who you are again and what you want from life and a relationship. I'm sure over 12 years you have both matured and realised you might have developed new interests and outlooks on life. I don't believe there is anything wrong with that, and the fact that you are acknowledging it and discussing it calmly is the way forward to be happy. There is no point being in a relationship for the 'sake' of it. You both need to give eachother the opportunity to meet other people. If you have loved this person surely you want them to be happy...maybe it won't be with you but with someone else. If they are unhappy now then go and free them so they can find happiness with someone else. It doesn;t mean they don't love you but the fulfilment may not be there anymore. With regards to the physical side of the relationship, i feel this is extremely important. Touching and showing emotion physically can mean a lot. Actions can speak louder than words. Lonliness is horrible but lonliness really is being in a room with nothing other than you and the walls, i doubt this happens very much. I hope you have supportive friends and family to keep you occupied and who you can talk to.0 -
howdy,
might sound werid but sometimes a seperation can be a good thing for a relationship
my husband and i had a seperation last year for 6mths... we are now back together and have a better relationship then we did before... its like we needed that break to find ourselves again.. you also can truely look at yourself and your own feeling about you, your partner and the relationship...
we decided that we wanted to give our marriage another go but i wouldnt let him move back in until we went to marriage councilling first (my other half HATES councillors with a passion) but he agreed, thats how i knew he was serious about trying... and it did help us heaps
my adivice would be, if you do decide you both want to give things ago again, dont rush back in, dont move back in together staight away, try councilling to see why thing ended up the way they did and get the tool you guys can use to make sure you dont end up like it was again, learn how to communicate with it other again...
good luck and hope things work out for you0 -
I think what is worth doing before you decide that it is all over is to have another talk with her about what it is you both want. Maybe all you need to do is to take up different interests or hobbies. Things that you can do without the other. Just to give you time to yourself once in a while. You might find that having that time on your own will bring out the best in you and her.
I am just concerned that if you decide it is over, your feelings towards her might completely change when she starts seeing someone new, and by then it would be too late to go back.0 -
ok, I realise I am gonna get some major s**t for this but.....
12 years is a long time, people get complacent. People get bored, people fall in and out of love. Being in a relationship has it's ups and downs and I truly believe if you have spent that much of your life with someone you're going to start questioning at some point.
I agree with one of the above posts about having your own space. Explore the greener side with all the grass but don't hop over just yet. I mean go out and make friends, have a social circle separate from the girlfriend. Then set both of you date nights, where you can chat about your lives and remember what being in love is all about.
A lot of people say splitting up with their other halves was good for the kids etc. My mum and Dad had 2 very bad patches in their marriage but they fell back in love and now I look at them and wish I could have a quarter of their happiness.
As I said I know I will get a lot of grief for everything I have said, but I truly believe it making things work and working hard at relationships.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Sounds to me like you guys needed some good old-fashioned communication a long time ago. If you consider getting back together with her, I think a therapist or mediator would help. Since you have a child together, I would very seriously consider trying to work things out for his sake.0
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Sounds like a sticky situation, but your child is the most important thing here. That's my advice.0
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Time heals all wounds.
About the feeling selfish thing...
My brother and I watched our parents make each other miserable for god knows how many years. My dad would cheat on my mum cause he wasn't happy in the relationship and my mum would suffer and occasionally get **** faced cause she couldnt take it. both of them were so engaged in their own problems that they didn't really have the time or strength to take care of my brothers or my problems. Whenever we tried to talk to them they'd just tell us that it's none of our business. Both of us ended up being extremly scared of commitment and have HUGE trust issues what comes to friends and relationships. We both also had/have to go to psychotherapy to get rid of some of those issues.
So my opinion is that people should end a relationship as soon as they realize that's there's nothing left to do. I'm not saying people shouldnt fight but once you realize that it's over , it should be over. Staying together for the kids will just make everyone, especially the kids, extremely miserable.
We live in the 21st Century, not the 1800 when people were tied to the first partner they met and divorce was a crime. Once you realize something makes you miserable, you get rid of it. Doesn't mean you have to hate each other for life. You can let some time pass and maybe in a few years or so you may be even friends.0 -
Thanks guys for all of your replies, I don't have time to reply to everyone (I'm actually at work!) but it's great to hear your support, stories, advice and even tough love advice!0
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You sound like a great guy and it's really nice to hear you're putting so much thought into the situation. Personally, I'd suggest that you think of your son first and consider couples' counseling. They can really help you sort out whether your relationship is worth putting in the effort to repair or whether it's best you leave amicably.
I always think, is this the person I want there holding my hand when I'm 75 on a porch swing...or sitting next to me in my hospital bed? That's why, despite all the angry fights, I love my husband. I can't imagine anyone else by my side in a crisis.
I'm glad you've had a break and find that you've enjoyed the freedom. But, maybe if you work together you can essentially have it all. Good luck, I'm sure you'll love again if you do decide to end it. But, I think you do love her and should ultimately learn some communication skills and open up to a possible reconciliation.0 -
i think if you decide to begin a relationship with her again that you should look at it as if its a completely new relationship... not picking up the one that you left. although you think you know someone because you've been around them for so long, as you said you haven't been yourself lately, and chances are neither has she. so go into it as you would any first date... seeking information about that person, trying to get to know them etc... maybe you'll both find out new things about each other that could spark a whole new romance. and... maybe not. and i think its important that if you decide to take it to a more committed level again, that there should be some couple counseling to ensure that both of you learn proper ways to communicate.
hope it helps! :flowerforyou:0 -
You sound like a great guy and it's really nice to hear you're putting so much thought into the situation. Personally, I'd suggest that you think of your son first and consider couples' counseling. They can really help you sort out whether your relationship is worth putting in the effort to repair or whether it's best you leave amicably.
I always think, is this the person I want there holding my hand when I'm 75 on a porch swing...or sitting next to me in my hospital bed? That's why, despite all the angry fights, I love my husband. I can't imagine anyone else by my side in a crisis.
I'm glad you've had a break and find that you've enjoyed the freedom. But, maybe if you work together you can essentially have it all. Good luck, I'm sure you'll love again if you do decide to end it. But, I think you do love her and should ultimately learn some communication skills and open up to a possible reconciliation.
Forget what I said ^^^^ this!!!! This is what I wanted to say!0 -
I unlike other posters think that you really should put more work into it. Try counseling as the above poster mentioned...Sounds like you still love her. I wonder if counselling would have helped? Having said that if you feel such a relief being alone I'd say that shows that your better off apart. I'm step mum to 2 kids and they are very happy and well adjusted. I have no doubt they are happier having me as a step mum and having half their time here with a happy dad and loving step mum, than they would have been if their parents were still together and unhappy. The lad was 5 when they spli also. Now 10. He has aspergers and sever dyspraxia and has still adjusted amazingly well. Being together for the kids is actually bad for the kids if that's the only reason your together. I think if this was wrong you wouldn't feel so relieved. Good luck, this must be a hard time!
Zara0
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