So my wife & I got in a dispute last night...
cekeys
Posts: 397 Member
This started with an NSV (Non scale victory) at Church yesterday. One of the older ladies told me that I looked like I had lost some serious weight--yay me, 37 lbs in 1 year (30 last year, down 7 at Saturday's weigh in for this year). Later that day I told my wife that I had gotten an NSV and she proceeded to say that it was good that I had "good genes" that I could lose weight like I had. I was a bit thrown aback by that comment since I've been going to the gym consistently since February of last year. She proceeded to say that I didn't really do anything different to my diet and that it was my genes that enabled me to lose weight. I conceded that while that was true for last year, this year I've been watching my calories along with going to the gym & I'm losing weight far faster than I did last year.
She replied that I hadn't changed my eating habits and that if she wanted to lose weight she'd have to make serious lifestyle changes to her eating habits to consistently lose weight (such as dropping bread entirely, eating rice cakes or slimfast, etc...). I asked if she wanted to check my MFP journal for the last 3 weeks that I've been logging every little thing I eat, even if it's not good for me (eg. 1/2 Piece Nestle cookie cake slice on Friday) and I've constantly been at or below my reduced daily calorie goal. She claimed that I wasn't really sacrificing food, which made me ask, "Since when was eating 1,000 calories less than I'm allowed per day not a sacrifice?" We went back and forth for about 20 minutes when we finally agreed to disagree.
I know I'm rambling and venting, and I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend, but wow, did we disagree on this topic. She's been losing weight for the last year or so but at a much slower pace. I've told her about MFP and I'd be happy to share the experience with her, but she's resistant.
Anyone else had this disagreement?
She replied that I hadn't changed my eating habits and that if she wanted to lose weight she'd have to make serious lifestyle changes to her eating habits to consistently lose weight (such as dropping bread entirely, eating rice cakes or slimfast, etc...). I asked if she wanted to check my MFP journal for the last 3 weeks that I've been logging every little thing I eat, even if it's not good for me (eg. 1/2 Piece Nestle cookie cake slice on Friday) and I've constantly been at or below my reduced daily calorie goal. She claimed that I wasn't really sacrificing food, which made me ask, "Since when was eating 1,000 calories less than I'm allowed per day not a sacrifice?" We went back and forth for about 20 minutes when we finally agreed to disagree.
I know I'm rambling and venting, and I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend, but wow, did we disagree on this topic. She's been losing weight for the last year or so but at a much slower pace. I've told her about MFP and I'd be happy to share the experience with her, but she's resistant.
Anyone else had this disagreement?
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Replies
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Sort of. Your wife is jealous. Men in general have more testosterone, more muscle mass, and when they start exercising they can reshape their bodies more quickly. It's very discouraging to be a woman losing weight and someone notices your hubby's weight loss! Since your wife is also losing weight, I think she's looking for a little more support from you. Something like, "Honey, you look fabulous! I can see the changes since September!"
Just my 2 cents....0 -
100 million %, your wife's jealous! I promise!
She doesn't want to use MFP because she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that you have worked really hard to lose the weight you have lost. If she uses MFP, she will have to admit to you that it takes work to control what you eat and to lose weight0 -
I agree with the posters on here that say your wife is jealous. If she continues to have the pity party tell her to get onto my fitness pal and do what you are doing. A lifestyle change like this takes serious commitment and she is just jealous of the attention you are getting from others.0
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Take a look at the Belly Fat Cure Diet (Jorge Cruise). It is really a new way of looking at food. I basically cut out sugar and watch my carbs - down 35 lbs since August last year. My wife has lost belly fat too with this.0
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^^ Yes ^^ Sorry, we women can be petty and jealous. : ) I'm sure she's proud of you, but it's gotta be hard for her. I get jealous when I see the food diary of my guy friends on here sometimes. They get sooo many more calories than I do and are still able to lose weight. I know it's a sacrifice for them to eat as they do also, and I'm so proud of them, but that doesn't completely annihilate the jealousy bug. Just be proud of yourself and know that she is too. And for God's sake man, don't rub it in. : ) Just kidding.0
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100 million %, your wife's jealous! I promise!
Miss Danni is right. YOur wife is jealous. My hubby is being crabby over my weightloss because he wants to lose weight to but wont stop eatting crap daily. DOnt get into disagreements with her anymore because it could affect your marriage. When she is ready to join you in lossng weight she will be more supportive0 -
It is difficult. I have been trying to get to a certain weight for a while, and have struggled. Being female, my eating has a lot to do with it, and I know that. As of late, my husband has decided it's time for him to start getting healthier. He has been slowly going to to the gym, and slowly changing his eating habits. I will encourage him every step of hte way, but believe it when I say I will be SUPER frustrated if he suddenly starts dropping his weight quickly. Yet, I understand it is much easier for a man to lose than it is for woman, and I will be extremely happy for him, just frustrated for myself.
There is underlying care and support, but outward jealousy. She is frustrated. She does need support. Best of luck, the road of weight loss is a very difficult one.0 -
Sort of. Your wife is jealous. Men in general have more testosterone, more muscle mass, and when they start exercising they can reshape their bodies more quickly. It's very discouraging to be a woman losing weight and someone notices your hubby's weight loss! Since your wife is also losing weight, I think she's looking for a little more support from you. Something like, "Honey, you look fabulous! I can see the changes since September!"
Just my 2 cents....
I agree. When hubby and I were doing this together years ago, he would lose at least twice as fast as me, and it really made me jealous. If you can't join em, knock em down a notch.... Just try to be supportive of her, since you love her and she's your wife, and pick your battles. I think you did the right thing, agree to disagree. That's part of what makes marriage work, being able to live with separate opinions, and communicate about them.0 -
Yeah, the thing is though... Men can put weight on a faster rate then women too so watch your back
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I agree with frosty. As a rule, men do often find it easier to lose weight than women (although that isn't to say you haven't been trying hard, as it clearly sounds like you have). She was probably already feeling a little disheartened, so your NSV might have made her feel even worse. By saying it's your genes and not your diet, she's justifying her own, slower progress and is probably a little jealous too.
I wouldn't take it too much to heart. She was probably in a bad mood and that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Make it clear to her that you 100% support her efforts, whether she loses 1lb or 100lbs. Also, whatever you do, don't feel like your victory is something to keep quiet about or feel any less proud of. It's a huge achievement and you shouldn't be swayed.0 -
Your wife is either feeling jealous or left out.
Maybe give her the small victory of saying you do have good genes, but along with that I have done this, this, and this.
She probably thinks she is working hard, but honestly, if she isn't logging her food she might be overeating and not even realize it!
I would definitely encourage her to join the site, even just for a week, to see how she does. Tell her if she doesn't like it after a week, she doesn't have to do it anymore!0 -
I think this argument is as old as time itself.......My wife says nearly the exact same things to me...."you lose weight so easily, I bust my *kitten* for 2 weeks and don't lose anything"......I just try to encourage and support her to stick with it and results will come.......I'm sure theres a little jealousy there...
-Rob0 -
i totally get this...........shes with you daily so probably doesnt realise the changes youve gone through as its happened gradually?
i have lost 51 pounds in the past 12 months and if im being totally honest im a little bit thinner but i still have a long way to go- so ive not really had all the wow look at you type comments ( YET)
i do think for women it does come off slower..every single pound lost takes huge effort and commitment ( and i do find i get jealous of people who lose yet have done little or no exercise when ive been working my *kitten* off)
But its my own journey- same as it is for you.......and your doing great
xoxo0 -
keep talking to her about it. Tell her how easy it is to log on and log your food.. She is afraid that since a good looking guy like you is getting even MORE good looking people will think what is he doing with her. Make this journey together. Ask her to take a walk with you, or go to the gym. Help her cook dinner or you cook it. Make her a 100% partner in your journey. She is along for the ride and will enjoy the benefits.0
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I've never gotten into an arguement with my husband over this, but from a woman's point of view, she may be jealous-like the PP said. I would also have to agree that maybe she is looking for a little more support from you. She might have thought you were bragging (which you are entitled to!), when you were simply telling her what others have said, and it kind of rubbed her the wrong way.0
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My hubby and i are dieting - have been for about 6 months - in that time i am consistantly good whilst he has good days and bad days. He has lost over 3 stone (42lb) and have have yet to break the 2 stone mark (28lb)
I exercise daily (running, Zumba, 20 day shred), he goes for a walk if it not raining, too cold, bit windy....if he is not tired, on an early shift etc (get the picture?)
I think women get a raw deal, he gets 1000 calories a day more than me too!
I am not jealous just envious - not of him...but of men in general, with their ability to lose weight with more calories and less effort...0 -
Men and women have this argument all the time because it technically is a little harder for women to lose weight, we are genetically predisposed to hold on to our fat for child-bearing purposes. That does not mean that YOU or any other man out there isn't working his *kitten* off to lose that weight. But you said it yourself, your wife has been trying too and hasn't been so successful. She's jealous and frustrated! It happened to me that when I started to pay more attention to my food and cooking healthy meals, my husband starting dropping weight without trying, just eating what I had cooked (and fast food hamburgers for lunch!). Just let her know that you would be willing to "share your secrets" and help her through this journey. I bet she could really use your support! I'll friend her if she makes an account!0
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She's jealous....:laugh:
No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.
1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:
2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:
Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.0 -
Absolutely jealous, but so would I be if it was me !
My ex husband only had to think about dieting and he would just drop the weight, I followed weight watchers to the letter and it felt like torture with not nearly the same loss as my ex, so frustrating and being a woman I find it emotional and would give up.
It's a tough position because the more you want to help the more she will feel you are being condescending...almost a no win situation, maybe "accidently" leave your page open on the computer one day when she is around and your need to run errands, maybe if she just looks at it in her own time in a non judgemental way she may create her own page in secret and try and match you in doing it...I hope it works out x0 -
I think that it may be beyond jealousy! I would add frustration to that! My hubby and I can do the same thing - watch what we eat, exercise, etc etc. and he just loses faster - it almost appears effortlessly. Once your wife realizes that you two were made very different upon design she may have an easier time of it.0
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It's not genetics (or maybe it is a little) but is more likely gender. Men seem to lose faster and shape up quicker than women do. Men and women are just different in that way. Maybe recognizing and acknowledging that, while mentioning your hard work, is in order.
my husband and I have experienced that phenomenon too, where I'd work so hard at it, but he'd be the one to lose more. And I swear, my first husband only had to *think* hard about buffing up and his muscles grew. LOL He was a physical powerhouse at that time. He NEVER worked out just to work out, but he would work hard on the house, moving rocks, splitting logs for winter, etc., and he'd get so lean and muscular. Me? I'd actually work out and got thin, but it took me many more months than it did him.0 -
Wow, yeah, she is jealous and it's sad because you seem like you are doing great things!
It's funny, I was on MFP for a year and a half and kind of hinted around to my husband for a long time about how he should start. When he finally did, last January, he was able to lose 15-20 lbs in a matter of just a few months. It's so much quicker for men I think, but that doesn't mean they sacrifice any less. Maybe if you can get her to do a food diary on here for a week, she'll understand the give and take you deal with on a day to day basis. And maybe after that week, she'll realize she doesn't need to do slim fast, eat rice cakes, etc......you can learn so much about what you can eat, I found it kind of liberating, and started adding so many additional things to my diet I previously thought I couldn't eat.
The other thing I have found is that I can't really talk about my fitness journey will real-life friends, or my husband for that fact, because once he lost the weight, he signed off (and gained some back since then, of course.....). Thankfully MFP has some great listeners where we can vent about stuff and be heard as opposed to having people glaze over in boredom, or give you excuses as to why they can't do the same...
Anyway, don't get discouraged!0 -
Yeah, 6 months after I started MFP my husband did. He just quit drinking coke, stop snacking at bedtime, and lost 50lbs in a matter of months. Thats my side of the story. I'm an older lady and short, which meant eating like a bird and exercising hard an hour a day to lose 50lbs in a year. So it really looks like I had to work twice as hard, eat twice as little, and still not lose sometimes. It especially grated at me that he had to eat more meals than he wanted to.
So his side of the story is that he actually had to turn his eating around 365 degrees, cut out crap, eat real food in more than one meal, and eat more meals. Learn how to eat from knowing nothing about nutrition onward. And he did exercise much more than before. He even hopped on the treadmill after working a long day (something I can't do).
It did look easy from my side. He built muscles much faster. He lost weight every single day. He actually had to be promted to eat???? Ladies hold onto weight a lot harder. It's a good thing if we were in a famine country and having babies. Not so good a thing if we are trying to dump fat. I'm peri-menapausal and really holding onto weight. Again, good if you live in a famine country and are too old to get or gather food. Yet I know he had to work at it, too. Still... I wanted to beat him with a stick about the head and shoulders when he got skinny so fast! I was so frustrated with my body being so calorie sparing and his being so willing to give it up!0 -
i think shes jealous too i am sooo jealous of my oh we eat the same but he snacks at night and he has lost a stone ive only lost 8lbs and the other night i was thinking to myself this is soo unfair i do more exercise eat less and he gets to eat whenever and loses weight lol very sad of me but i wouldnt say it to him as i know he is putting alot of effort into it.0
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100 million %, your wife's jealous! I promise!
She doesn't want to use MFP because she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that you have worked really hard to lose the weight you have lost. If she uses MFP, she will have to admit to you that it takes work to control what you eat and to lose weight
^^this0 -
She's jealous....:laugh:
No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.
1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:
2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:
Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.
I don't think it's in me to use #2. I can picture her crying now.0 -
My fiance and I argue about things...but he is already skinny and when I complain about my weight all he says is that if I want to lose weight to starve myself....hahahaha He is so uneducated when it comes to fitness and health because he has never had to struggle with it. It bothers me to no end....
However, i think your wife is just frustrated and a little bit jealous... It can be frustrating for a woman sometimes because men (on average) do naturally burn more calories easier and faster than us women. It sucks that we do the same workouts and eat the same thing and still end up losing less weight then the man....lol That being said, just be supportive...0 -
Let me tell you me and my husband have been losing weight together and it is very hard for me to not be jealous. He can eat about 1000 calories more than me a day and that does bug me. I know at times I have mentioned that he can eat alot more than me and still lose the weight and that has hurt his feelings. I am sorry when this happens but you have to relize that she is struggling just like you and maybe yesterday was a tough day for her. I am not justifying her attitude just understanding it. So now when I get in one of those moods I try not to say anything about how easy it is for my husband to lose the weight because I truly do know that he is struggling as much as me but that little green jealousy tries to creep in. Let me say for myself sorry about thinking it is easier for men to lose the weight.
Great job losing the weight!!0 -
I didn't get "jealousy" out of that conversation. It sounds like she's been sucked in by all the fitness myths and gurus. That eat less, exercise more, is just ludicrous, and since you are not doing anything that the myths and gurus proclaim, the only thing that is possible in your case, is good genes. If you had bad eating habits before last year, that's too long ago for her to remember. In her mind now, you have always had healthy habits.
In the end, if she has a weight problem, she's the only one that's going to be able to fix it. You'll just have to lead by example. And when she's ready, be there for her.0 -
Honestly, when my ex would workout, it was *so* annoying that he lost weight so fast while never actually changing his diet.
Most women (and some men, too) have been conditioned to think they have to be on a "diet" (South Beach, SlimFast, etc) to lose weight. It's a big step to say, "Yes, I can have chocolate and bread but in moderation." She's just not ready to make that step.
Good on you, and just keep making your lifestyle changes and let her see what you're doing. When she's ready, she'll start.
:flowerforyou:0
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