So my wife & I got in a dispute last night...
Replies
-
I am sure she is happy for you but it is tough when you work your butt off (literally) and your spouce is surpassing you. Not to take away from what you have done by any means but your wife does have to work harder to lose the same amount and as a woman, it really sucks sometimes! My hubs has lost 20 lbs since the beginning of the year and all he did was go back to work and started drinking zero/diet type pops. ARGH! It has taken me a year to lose a little more than the same amount! Granted, he has more to lose than I do and his job is more physically demanding than mine but it is still hard to swallow.
Also, it is tough when you work so hard and someone notices your spouce and not you. Had she said, you both look like you have lost, no dispute. Her ego is a bit bruised and the easiest way to make ourselves feel better is to diminish the situation. No worries, she will come around but you might want to tread lightly in the future until people start to notice her work as well.
Good luck!0 -
Ugh yeah, people tell me all the time "you're skinny, you can eat whatever you want."
Grr
1. I wouldn't consider myself skinny. Average weight? Yes. Skinny? No. To me, skinny is a bmi under 20, and I'm at 20.4
2. Hell no, I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I just don't deny myself the foods I crave. If I want ice cream, I'll have fat-free frozen yogurt. I'm constantly aware of every little thing I eat.
It's just frustrating, but I don't let it get to me. They're just jelly because they don't know how to properly lose weight. Mer mer mer0 -
I too agree with the other posters, there is some sort of jealousy going on or perhaps your wife is feeling the tug of making these changes too and just not quite there yet.
I can tell you as the wife of a partnership this is tough! My husband and I are doing every step of this process together and some days when he is able to eat many more calories, his clothes get lose each week and the scale is so kind to him, it can be hard to watch. But, I know he's working just as hard as I am and he too want to see his success.
Here's what I would say to your wife: your husband is working very hard at becoming more healthy, which will improve your lives together, he'll live longer and be healthier for years to come. In part you are correct, his body is very different from yours and when men watch what they eat and exercise, the results are often seen much quicker for them.
However, this doesn't mean that he isn't having to motivate himself to get to the gym or be disciplined throughout the day not to eat all those things he'd like to and stay on his plan. Support him and love him through this, it is important. Better yet, do it together and you'll become closer and a more bonded couple, you can support each other instead of down-playing his hard work. I've seen so many couples go down this road when one is on a weight-loss/healthy program and the other isn't - don't let this lead to anything negative, instead use it as an opportunity to find out what is important to each of you and how you can help each other as a couple.
Good luck with your program and keep going!0 -
My husband and I haven't been through exactly the same thing, but I know that sometimes the people we care about can inadvertently say things that hurt us and that make us feel like they are belittling our hard work.
Here are a few thoughts (take them or leave them):
1) Gently let her know that what she said was hurtful. Chances are, she didn't mean to be mean, but sometimes it comes out that way.
2) Try to find out the motivation behind her statements. She might be jealous - it's unfortunate, but it happens. Or she might be uncomfortable because you are getting attention from people. Once you know what about the situation is bothering her...
3) Acknowledge the truth behind her concerns (starting with the unfair but true fact that men really do lose weight more easily than women). Maybe say, "I understand that it upsets you when people compliment you in front of me because ____" or "I understand that it can be frustrating when I am losing weight relatively quickly when it is more difficult for you"
4) Lead by example. Include her. Make meals together, take her for a walk with you, sit next to her while you log your food. This has several benefits - it is a way to build intimacy because you are doing things together, it helps her see the efforts you are making, and it may trigger something in her when she sees what you are doing that helps her want to get involved, too.
5) Forgive her - spouses mess up. We say and do awful things sometimes, but hopefully we learn from them and do better going forward.
You've done very well and I wish you - and your wife - all the best in your journey back to good health.0 -
It sounds as if your wife is frustrated with her own weight loss progress (or lack thereof) and begrudging your achievement. I don't think it's really about your success so much as her feelings about herself. Comparing ones weight loss to another's weight loss -- particularly given differences in gender, age, existing body composition, weight goals, and other attributes -- is self defeating. Perhaps you could help her re-focus on her own effort. Review her journal and exercise program together -- but make sure she takes the lead on determining what changes, if any, she needs to make. There's no race or competition with anyone to loose weight!
I've never had this problem. My husband is slender and as long as we have been married (20yrs) his weight range (145-148) has been the same.
This rough spot will smooth out, I'm sure.0 -
For someone to say 'it's because of your genes' is pretty weak. You could say that about anything to do with you, your genes are what build you into the human being you are. Sure, ability to either lose or gain weight has something to do with your genes, but only as much as what colour your eyes are or how big your feet are - it's a dead argument. The FACT is, better diet and exercise mean you're using more calories than you're putting into your body, therefore you lose weight. She is definitely feeling envious at your success - if she had thought more about what she was saying, she would hopefully realise that she was debunking your efforts because of frustration with herself, so she's not angry at you, she's angry with herself. I say let her have her argument with herself, leave you out of it, and you keep up the great work!0
-
Let me say this about genetics and its relationship eating and exercise...
I view genes as a road map. If you eat poorly and don't exercise your body takes a route on the map & you gain weight. If you eat right and don't exercise, your body takes another road and you lose some weight. If you eat right and exercise, your body takes another road and you lose weight much quicker.
Now, how fast you get there totally depends on your body, which is the results of your genes. Things like diabetes, thyroid conditions, male/female, how much you're exercising, etc... will change the quickness of the results (Speed limits on the map), but you'll get there eventually.
I guess I just didn't realize that the argument from her side was more about her feelings about herself, rather than her feelings about me. I think you guys helped me grow a little. Thanks.
0 -
Good man!She's jealous....:laugh:
No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.
1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:
2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:
Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.
I don't think it's in me to use #2. I can picture her crying now.
Sometimes absurdity demonstrates well absurdity - lol
Number 1 is really the only choice.
Man, I am in year 28 of marriage, and all we can be is supportive, loving and very patient.
Your friends here will be inspired for your progress, and in time maybe your wife will reach out.
I am here on MFP because of my wife, so our situation is the same but in reverse.0 -
I think weight loss is hard for anyone, and yes, I do believe men can lose much more rapidly than women (in the beginning), but eventually we catch up. It is really hard to admit that your husband is doing so great, when you are struggling and not seeing half the results. I do not know if that is the case, but just know that you have each other through this and everyone one needs support. Whether it is just a casual, "Honey, you are doing so great I can see a difference." Or "I am so glad we are doing this together." Any acknowledgement for a woman, makes us warm and tingly inside. Maybe she is jealous because no one noticed her progress. I think it is fantastic that you are doing so well. Just keep in mind that she is going through the same thing…just my thoughts.
Congrats on your endeavor! 0 -
My wife had a similar reaction at the start of my journey with MFP last year.
She thought MFP was a waste of time, and would get upset when I would refuse to eat like I used to.
There were lots of arguments early on.....
The good news is that in time she began seeing my results and became less hesitant about it.
She still refuses to use MFP, but she has started eating better and is going to the gym with me now.
She is doing great and doing it her own way and I am extremely proud of her.
I learned early on that we are doing this for ourselves, and our own health.
Although it is great to get support from our spouses, friends and family, they are usually our harshest critics.
Jealously, and fear of change make people say horrible things.
People also hate to see their failures and shortcomings.
So when they look at a friend who used to be overweight and out of shape it made them feel better about themselves.
When they see that same person working hard at losing weight the right way (no shortcuts) with hard work and eating healthy, they feel threatened and they get angry. People hate change.
I had some shocking responses from some of the closest friends and family at the start, but as the year went by and they saw my results they haven't said those things again. Most of my family has made a 360 and praise me for all my hard work and my results. Some of the folks I thought were friends unfortunately distanced themselves.
Stick to your guns, there's nothing more important than your health and congratulations on your accomplishments.
We all know how much hard work and dedication it has taken you to get to where your at.
AMAZING JOB !!0 -
She is definately jealous of your weight loss. My husband and I are both losing weight - I have much more to go than he - and when he would tell me how much he lost that week I would get so bummed because he would lose 2 to 3 times more than me. It got to the point where he did not want to tell me how much he lost.
I then realized it was not fair for me to act that way. Men lose faster than women. I have to deal with that.
Also, she may not want to be on MFP because then she would have to add you as a friend and you would see what she actually weighs. I don't want my husband to know my weight. I know that sounds bad, but I am so embarrassed about it. I just don't want him to know.0 -
Jealous is such a harsh word for such close relationships. I sort of disagree with everyone on here - I don't think she's jealous necessarily, but I do think that she is frustrated at her own lack of progress. She's your wife and she loves you! She wants you to do well. It's a shame that she's letting her hard time get in her way of appreciating your progress. I think the best solution is some communication, compromise, and cuddling. Bring back the love, I'm sure she never meant to hurt you.0
-
My experience is that people who don't want to, or aren't willing to put in the effort to lose the weight will try to diminish the accomplishments of those who are successful. Don't worry about it, you know it's from your effort, that's all that counts.0
-
Have little to add that hasn't already been said, except consider that Americans are the fattest country in the world (though a couple of others are creeping up). If our weight was exclusively based on our genes, we should see every country that we sourced from weighing in the way we do. Genes do influence - but rarely are the exclusive cause for something. At the end of the day, it's still calories consumed vs calories burned.
When I diet (like now), my husband supports me verbally, but then proceeds to fill the house with oreos, peanut butter cups, ice cream, chips and gummi bears. I guess I should be happy that he appreciates and is attracted to the curvier me. :P0 -
Yes, she is jealous.
It IS harder for women to lose weight, but that doesn't mean you haven't worked EXTREMELY hard and deserve your success.
Years ago my husband and I went on a "diet" together. (Yes, we jumped off the wagon, and we still carry the bruises
) It frustrated me to no end that we ate the same food (of which I was allowed less calories, being female...), went to the gym and worked out together, etc, yet he was surpassing me by leaps and bounds. (The fact that I'm hypothyroid didn't help...) Still, he deserved his success. It's just that so did I...
My husband is currently supportive of my current progress on mfp, but isn't interested in joining me. He'll eat what I make for dinner without complaint though, and will accompany me to the gym every once in a while. I know, though, that if he joined me in this effort, he would surpass the progress I've made in half the time.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. She was wrong to treat you like you have it easy just because you have it easier than her. Please try to see that she herself is hurting and frustrated. Admit to her that you know it IS harder for females to lose weight, but let her know that her discounting your own work at this hurt your feelings. Hopefully, she will admit to you that she is just frustrated, and you can hold her, tell her you love her now, you'd love her heavier, you'd love her lighter, you just love her forever and ever AMEN!
Blessings to you both!0 -
Best wishes to you- CONGRATS on your progress.
Perhaps the thing to ask her is this:
What do you *need* from me to ENcourage you?
Let her tell you.
My hubby can lose weight without much effort at all- and although he doesn't *think* he's being discouraging,
he feels his approach is a ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL, and it defeats me mentally.
I'm an emotional eater,
and he has NO clue what that's like-
and pointing out how very *easy* it is to lose- it's just a matter of "push aways" (portion control)
just drives ME crazy.
Have a heart to heart with her- and let her tell you HOW you can ENcourage her- rather than *assuming* you are.
It may be jealousy- but maybe you can find ways to build her up-
it's OFTEN a mental thing with us ladies. Not an excuse, but just tellin' you straight.0 -
My hubby and i are dieting - have been for about 6 months - in that time i am consistantly good whilst he has good days and bad days. He has lost over 3 stone (42lb) and have have yet to break the 2 stone mark (28lb)
I exercise daily (running, Zumba, 20 day shred), he goes for a walk if it not raining, too cold, bit windy....if he is not tired, on an early shift etc (get the picture?)
I think women get a raw deal, he gets 1000 calories a day more than me too!
I am not jealous just envious - not of him...but of men in general, with their ability to lose weight with more calories and less effort...
^ this is true. men do lose weight more quickly then women, and i definitely know how frustrating it can be. but the reason they drop the lbs so fats is because they have more muscle mass than we do. and we all know muscle burns fat. ergo men lose weight faster...i know it can be disheartening but we will reach our goal eventually!0 -
She's jealous....:laugh:
No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.
1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:
2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:
Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.
LOVE IT! You speak serious sense dude!
I think many women assume that to lose weight you have to be a martyr and sacrifice so much, not to mention they want results yesterday so push for the most weight lost in the shortest time possible. I eat more now than I have done - I exercise more too - and I have consistently lost my goal of 1lb a week, as recommended by MFP. Get her on here, suggest to her she give it a couple of weeks following MFP calories at 1lb a week and she may reconsider. It's always more fun doing these things with a partner - my husband and I feed off each other now with our weight loss and compare stats on our HRMs! LOL0 -
Men and women have this argument all the time because it technically is a little harder for women to lose weight, we are genetically predisposed to hold on to our fat for child-bearing purposes.
Many believe this is the reason we hold on to the weight, but I have seen toothpicks give birth (like my sister-3 times!) so I personally am inclined to think it has more to do with survival than childbirth. In a more primitive atmosphere, if something happened to a woman's ability to survive, like if she ran out ouf food, she would not be able to survive or breastfeed her infant, so I tend to think the reason for us holding on to weight is for survival reasons, but I am no expert. Just a thought. I know it's off of the subject, though, sorry!0 -
She does sound jealous, and obviously frustrated with the slow rate of her own progress. In any case, I would be pretty upset by what she said if I were in your position. She's minimizing the effort you have made to get to where you are. That's hurtful and unnecessary.
She's also wrong. I haven't made drastic changes to my diet. I'm eating a calorie deficit, and that's about it. Even just doing that is extremely difficult for someone who is used to eating whatever they want, whenever they want. But the point is that her ideas of what weight loss should be are highly skewed. What she thinks is what the majority of people think about losing weight, and that's why so many people struggle and ultimately fail.
I've lost 17 pounds in about 6 weeks. I can assure you that I do not have "good genes". I'm simply eating less. I still eating quite a bit of crappy food. Though I am making an attempt to squeeze fresh fruits and veggies in there, it's still not a fabulous ratio. I have a LOT of weight to lose, but I wanted to start slowly, so I just set my deficit for one pound a week. Apparently that was the right thing to do, because the weight has just been coming off. Granted, I have started exercising 30 minutes a day. (This is a huge change for me!) But I make sure to eat my exercise calories back most of the time, so my deficit should still (in theory) only be 500 calories. All I knows is that I'm able to eat quite a bit of food and I'm still consistently losing weight.
This process doesn't have to be as miserable as most people (your wife included) seem to think. It's still not easy (and I suspect it will get a lot harder as time goes on) but it definitely doesn't have to involve insanely restricted calories and completely deriving yourself of all the foods you love. You don't have to see food as the enemy in order to succeed. In fact, from what I've seen (and experienced myself) the very opposite seems to be true in most cases.0 -
Wow, that sounds tough man. If you really do want family peace and harmony, then I'd suggest you do your best to just stay off that conversational topic in the future.
Because of all the misinformation out there, people in general tend to get some really strange ideas about weight loss. It doesn't help that weight loss tends to be an emotional thing, tied in to a person's self-image. You can be 100% right in your rational thinking and arguments, but it won't win over your wife because she is steeped in some bad ideas and/or nasty emotions.
Denial is the #1 thing people use to shield themselves from a truth they don't like. So rather than get into an argument with your wife, I'd just change the subject and keep doing what you're doing. It's hard not show off the happiness that comes from your success, but you're better off not saying much about your personal victory, because she can't handle it. Or so it seems.
It's a shame, too. She ought to be encouraging you, rather than making excuses and marginalizing your victory. I would find it really hard to think of a person like that as a "best friend". In fact, I don't think I would want to be with someone who tries to shoot me down when I'm up. How negative is that kind of person? Sorry if this sounds bad, but I'm glad my wife is not that way.
Best of luck to you.0 -
They say (I am no expert so I have to rely on them, lol) that men are able to shed the pounds in a much faster rate than woman - might be true might not be true.
That sure as hell makes us jealous - my husband is losing weight while he is trying to gain - seriously? wth? - he will intake 2500 - 3500 calories a day by choice and still lose. A situation like such can makes us girls jealous and frustrated.
The only thing we can do is be supportive of each other and simply accept they have their way, we have ours. It would be nice if both had the same results at the same rate <--- that would be too good to be true, lol
Congratulations on your success by the way...0 -
I guess I just didn't realize that the argument from her side was more about her feelings about herself, rather than her feelings about me. I think you guys helped me grow a little. Thanks.
There you have it! Tell her she's doing great and you are proud of her. Show her MFP if she's not on it because it helps so much not too eat rice cakes when you are cutting back food choices. Rice cakes make me angry! Being hungry makes me angry, being hormonal makes me angry! My husband is smart enough to smooth me over sometimes even when i'm being irrational. Just him saying he knows how hard I work at it will put the cap back on the volcano.0 -
I didn't get "jealousy" out of that conversation. It sounds like she's been sucked in by all the fitness myths and gurus. That eat less, exercise more, is just ludicrous, and since you are not doing anything that the myths and gurus proclaim, the only thing that is possible in your case, is good genes.
I got the same impression. If she thinks that she wouldn't be able to lose significant weight without rice cakes and slim fast, she's just misinformed. I (and all my friends here on MFP) have been consistently losing weight without slim fast, rice cakes, or other extreme and restrictive "diet foods." We eat chicken, veggies, blueberries, chocolate cake, spicy thai food, salmon, salad, etc....real food, in moderation, and track it all.
It is true that men often lose weight more quickly than women, and if you're wife isn't aware of the sex difference in weight loss she may just be chalking it up to you being "lucky."
If she's open to hearing it, I think you would do her a huge favour by explaining that she can lose weight without completely cutting out foods, and just tracking everything the way you have been. Perhaps weight loss will seem less daunting to her once she realizes that it's not just lucky, genetically favoured people who get to eat treats while losing weight - it's a possibility for anyone willing to track their foods.0 -
To me it's an excuse. "Genes make me fat, genes make you lose weight"...blah blah blah....that's all I hear with that crap. I get so tired of women using that excuse. Yeah, a woman may have to work "harder" to lose weight, but there is no magical formula to this.....it's calories in, calories out. I get sick of the "I will have to cut out all carbs, sugar, bread, etc. to lose weight and you get to eat whatever you want". Guess what......people who lose weight are not eating whatever they want. Too many women think that if you don't eat you will lose weight. A lot of women don't want to put the time in at the gym and then they complain when others can eat a little bit more because the bust their *kitten* at the gym 6 days a week. Get over it. I don't really do well with women and the drama that the average woman creates over weight loss. Just do it. I've always had a different attitude about it. If someone notices my husband's weight loss - good for him......they missed mine - must mean I need to work harder.0
-
To me it's an excuse. "Genes make me fat, genes make you lose weight"...blah blah blah....that's all I hear with that crap. I get so tired of women using that excuse. Yeah, a woman may have to work "harder" to lose weight, but there is no magical formula to this.....it's calories in, calories out. I get sick of the "I will have to cut out all carbs, sugar, bread, etc. to lose weight and you get to eat whatever you want". Guess what......people who lose weight are not eating whatever they want. Too many women think that if you don't eat you will lose weight. A lot of women don't want to put the time in at the gym and then they complain when others can eat a little bit more because the bust their *kitten* at the gym 6 days a week. Get over it. I don't really do well with women and the drama that the average woman creates over weight loss. Just do it. I've always had a different attitude about it. If someone notices my husband's weight loss - good for him......they missed mine - must mean I need to work harder.
x20 -
I agree...she seems jealous. Sad but true.0
-
I think she's envious more then jealous.
Jealousy reflects a person's feelings or attitudes towards another person
Envy expresses a person's feelings or attitude towards another person advantages or accomplishments
In this case your wife is feeling envious of your success.
She doesn't wish you ill, she just wants it for herself as well.
BEEN THERE!
My husband chose to lose weight when I was pregnant with my youngest. When I gave birth I was so far behind! I loved how he looked and i wanted to look and feel the same way!
I admit there were times (many of them!) that i loaded his plate sky high to give him extra calories....
At one point I sat him down and explained my feelings to him.
I told him how I needed him to push me, and to encourage and compliment my small victories.
We also agreed to run together once a week.
Doing things together (diet, exercise, etc) is a great way to foster positivity and lose all the resentment.0 -
You'll never win the argument and if you did, then you'd still lose in the end. Just lose the weight.This started with an NSV (Non scale victory) at Church yesterday. One of the older ladies told me that I looked like I had lost some serious weight--yay me, 37 lbs in 1 year (30 last year, down 7 at Saturday's weigh in for this year). Later that day I told my wife that I had gotten an NSV and she proceeded to say that it was good that I had "good genes" that I could lose weight like I had. I was a bit thrown aback by that comment since I've been going to the gym consistently since February of last year. She proceeded to say that I didn't really do anything different to my diet and that it was my genes that enabled me to lose weight. I conceded that while that was true for last year, this year I've been watching my calories along with going to the gym & I'm losing weight far faster than I did last year.
She replied that I hadn't changed my eating habits and that if she wanted to lose weight she'd have to make serious lifestyle changes to her eating habits to consistently lose weight (such as dropping bread entirely, eating rice cakes or slimfast, etc...). I asked if she wanted to check my MFP journal for the last 3 weeks that I've been logging every little thing I eat, even if it's not good for me (eg. 1/2 Piece Nestle cookie cake slice on Friday) and I've constantly been at or below my reduced daily calorie goal. She claimed that I wasn't really sacrificing food, which made me ask, "Since when was eating 1,000 calories less than I'm allowed per day not a sacrifice?" We went back and forth for about 20 minutes when we finally agreed to disagree.
I know I'm rambling and venting, and I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend, but wow, did we disagree on this topic. She's been losing weight for the last year or so but at a much slower pace. I've told her about MFP and I'd be happy to share the experience with her, but she's resistant.
Anyone else had this disagreement?
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
SHE'S UPSET THAT YOU CHANGING FASTER THEN SHE IS AND KNOW SHE THINKS YOU THINK YOU GOT ALL THE AWNERS SHE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT'S NOT HER I KNOW THAT IS HOW I WOULD FEEL . BUT IT DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT GIVE HER SOME SPACE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT .0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 176K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.4K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions