So my wife & I got in a dispute last night...
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She is definately jealous of your weight loss. My husband and I are both losing weight - I have much more to go than he - and when he would tell me how much he lost that week I would get so bummed because he would lose 2 to 3 times more than me. It got to the point where he did not want to tell me how much he lost.
I then realized it was not fair for me to act that way. Men lose faster than women. I have to deal with that.
Also, she may not want to be on MFP because then she would have to add you as a friend and you would see what she actually weighs. I don't want my husband to know my weight. I know that sounds bad, but I am so embarrassed about it. I just don't want him to know.0 -
Jealous is such a harsh word for such close relationships. I sort of disagree with everyone on here - I don't think she's jealous necessarily, but I do think that she is frustrated at her own lack of progress. She's your wife and she loves you! She wants you to do well. It's a shame that she's letting her hard time get in her way of appreciating your progress. I think the best solution is some communication, compromise, and cuddling. Bring back the love, I'm sure she never meant to hurt you.0
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My experience is that people who don't want to, or aren't willing to put in the effort to lose the weight will try to diminish the accomplishments of those who are successful. Don't worry about it, you know it's from your effort, that's all that counts.0
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Have little to add that hasn't already been said, except consider that Americans are the fattest country in the world (though a couple of others are creeping up). If our weight was exclusively based on our genes, we should see every country that we sourced from weighing in the way we do. Genes do influence - but rarely are the exclusive cause for something. At the end of the day, it's still calories consumed vs calories burned.
When I diet (like now), my husband supports me verbally, but then proceeds to fill the house with oreos, peanut butter cups, ice cream, chips and gummi bears. I guess I should be happy that he appreciates and is attracted to the curvier me. :P0 -
Yes, she is jealous.
It IS harder for women to lose weight, but that doesn't mean you haven't worked EXTREMELY hard and deserve your success.
Years ago my husband and I went on a "diet" together. (Yes, we jumped off the wagon, and we still carry the bruises
) It frustrated me to no end that we ate the same food (of which I was allowed less calories, being female...), went to the gym and worked out together, etc, yet he was surpassing me by leaps and bounds. (The fact that I'm hypothyroid didn't help...) Still, he deserved his success. It's just that so did I...
My husband is currently supportive of my current progress on mfp, but isn't interested in joining me. He'll eat what I make for dinner without complaint though, and will accompany me to the gym every once in a while. I know, though, that if he joined me in this effort, he would surpass the progress I've made in half the time.
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. She was wrong to treat you like you have it easy just because you have it easier than her. Please try to see that she herself is hurting and frustrated. Admit to her that you know it IS harder for females to lose weight, but let her know that her discounting your own work at this hurt your feelings. Hopefully, she will admit to you that she is just frustrated, and you can hold her, tell her you love her now, you'd love her heavier, you'd love her lighter, you just love her forever and ever AMEN!
Blessings to you both!0 -
Best wishes to you- CONGRATS on your progress.
Perhaps the thing to ask her is this:
What do you *need* from me to ENcourage you?
Let her tell you.
My hubby can lose weight without much effort at all- and although he doesn't *think* he's being discouraging,
he feels his approach is a ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL, and it defeats me mentally.
I'm an emotional eater,
and he has NO clue what that's like-
and pointing out how very *easy* it is to lose- it's just a matter of "push aways" (portion control)
just drives ME crazy.
Have a heart to heart with her- and let her tell you HOW you can ENcourage her- rather than *assuming* you are.
It may be jealousy- but maybe you can find ways to build her up-
it's OFTEN a mental thing with us ladies. Not an excuse, but just tellin' you straight.0 -
My hubby and i are dieting - have been for about 6 months - in that time i am consistantly good whilst he has good days and bad days. He has lost over 3 stone (42lb) and have have yet to break the 2 stone mark (28lb)
I exercise daily (running, Zumba, 20 day shred), he goes for a walk if it not raining, too cold, bit windy....if he is not tired, on an early shift etc (get the picture?)
I think women get a raw deal, he gets 1000 calories a day more than me too!
I am not jealous just envious - not of him...but of men in general, with their ability to lose weight with more calories and less effort...
^ this is true. men do lose weight more quickly then women, and i definitely know how frustrating it can be. but the reason they drop the lbs so fats is because they have more muscle mass than we do. and we all know muscle burns fat. ergo men lose weight faster...i know it can be disheartening but we will reach our goal eventually!0 -
She's jealous....:laugh:
No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.
1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:
2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:
Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.
LOVE IT! You speak serious sense dude!
I think many women assume that to lose weight you have to be a martyr and sacrifice so much, not to mention they want results yesterday so push for the most weight lost in the shortest time possible. I eat more now than I have done - I exercise more too - and I have consistently lost my goal of 1lb a week, as recommended by MFP. Get her on here, suggest to her she give it a couple of weeks following MFP calories at 1lb a week and she may reconsider. It's always more fun doing these things with a partner - my husband and I feed off each other now with our weight loss and compare stats on our HRMs! LOL0 -
Men and women have this argument all the time because it technically is a little harder for women to lose weight, we are genetically predisposed to hold on to our fat for child-bearing purposes.
Many believe this is the reason we hold on to the weight, but I have seen toothpicks give birth (like my sister-3 times!) so I personally am inclined to think it has more to do with survival than childbirth. In a more primitive atmosphere, if something happened to a woman's ability to survive, like if she ran out ouf food, she would not be able to survive or breastfeed her infant, so I tend to think the reason for us holding on to weight is for survival reasons, but I am no expert. Just a thought. I know it's off of the subject, though, sorry!0 -
She does sound jealous, and obviously frustrated with the slow rate of her own progress. In any case, I would be pretty upset by what she said if I were in your position. She's minimizing the effort you have made to get to where you are. That's hurtful and unnecessary.
She's also wrong. I haven't made drastic changes to my diet. I'm eating a calorie deficit, and that's about it. Even just doing that is extremely difficult for someone who is used to eating whatever they want, whenever they want. But the point is that her ideas of what weight loss should be are highly skewed. What she thinks is what the majority of people think about losing weight, and that's why so many people struggle and ultimately fail.
I've lost 17 pounds in about 6 weeks. I can assure you that I do not have "good genes". I'm simply eating less. I still eating quite a bit of crappy food. Though I am making an attempt to squeeze fresh fruits and veggies in there, it's still not a fabulous ratio. I have a LOT of weight to lose, but I wanted to start slowly, so I just set my deficit for one pound a week. Apparently that was the right thing to do, because the weight has just been coming off. Granted, I have started exercising 30 minutes a day. (This is a huge change for me!) But I make sure to eat my exercise calories back most of the time, so my deficit should still (in theory) only be 500 calories. All I knows is that I'm able to eat quite a bit of food and I'm still consistently losing weight.
This process doesn't have to be as miserable as most people (your wife included) seem to think. It's still not easy (and I suspect it will get a lot harder as time goes on) but it definitely doesn't have to involve insanely restricted calories and completely deriving yourself of all the foods you love. You don't have to see food as the enemy in order to succeed. In fact, from what I've seen (and experienced myself) the very opposite seems to be true in most cases.0 -
Wow, that sounds tough man. If you really do want family peace and harmony, then I'd suggest you do your best to just stay off that conversational topic in the future.
Because of all the misinformation out there, people in general tend to get some really strange ideas about weight loss. It doesn't help that weight loss tends to be an emotional thing, tied in to a person's self-image. You can be 100% right in your rational thinking and arguments, but it won't win over your wife because she is steeped in some bad ideas and/or nasty emotions.
Denial is the #1 thing people use to shield themselves from a truth they don't like. So rather than get into an argument with your wife, I'd just change the subject and keep doing what you're doing. It's hard not show off the happiness that comes from your success, but you're better off not saying much about your personal victory, because she can't handle it. Or so it seems.
It's a shame, too. She ought to be encouraging you, rather than making excuses and marginalizing your victory. I would find it really hard to think of a person like that as a "best friend". In fact, I don't think I would want to be with someone who tries to shoot me down when I'm up. How negative is that kind of person? Sorry if this sounds bad, but I'm glad my wife is not that way.
Best of luck to you.0 -
They say (I am no expert so I have to rely on them, lol) that men are able to shed the pounds in a much faster rate than woman - might be true might not be true.
That sure as hell makes us jealous - my husband is losing weight while he is trying to gain - seriously? wth? - he will intake 2500 - 3500 calories a day by choice and still lose. A situation like such can makes us girls jealous and frustrated.
The only thing we can do is be supportive of each other and simply accept they have their way, we have ours. It would be nice if both had the same results at the same rate <--- that would be too good to be true, lol
Congratulations on your success by the way...0 -
I guess I just didn't realize that the argument from her side was more about her feelings about herself, rather than her feelings about me. I think you guys helped me grow a little. Thanks.
There you have it! Tell her she's doing great and you are proud of her. Show her MFP if she's not on it because it helps so much not too eat rice cakes when you are cutting back food choices. Rice cakes make me angry! Being hungry makes me angry, being hormonal makes me angry! My husband is smart enough to smooth me over sometimes even when i'm being irrational. Just him saying he knows how hard I work at it will put the cap back on the volcano.0 -
I didn't get "jealousy" out of that conversation. It sounds like she's been sucked in by all the fitness myths and gurus. That eat less, exercise more, is just ludicrous, and since you are not doing anything that the myths and gurus proclaim, the only thing that is possible in your case, is good genes.
I got the same impression. If she thinks that she wouldn't be able to lose significant weight without rice cakes and slim fast, she's just misinformed. I (and all my friends here on MFP) have been consistently losing weight without slim fast, rice cakes, or other extreme and restrictive "diet foods." We eat chicken, veggies, blueberries, chocolate cake, spicy thai food, salmon, salad, etc....real food, in moderation, and track it all.
It is true that men often lose weight more quickly than women, and if you're wife isn't aware of the sex difference in weight loss she may just be chalking it up to you being "lucky."
If she's open to hearing it, I think you would do her a huge favour by explaining that she can lose weight without completely cutting out foods, and just tracking everything the way you have been. Perhaps weight loss will seem less daunting to her once she realizes that it's not just lucky, genetically favoured people who get to eat treats while losing weight - it's a possibility for anyone willing to track their foods.0 -
To me it's an excuse. "Genes make me fat, genes make you lose weight"...blah blah blah....that's all I hear with that crap. I get so tired of women using that excuse. Yeah, a woman may have to work "harder" to lose weight, but there is no magical formula to this.....it's calories in, calories out. I get sick of the "I will have to cut out all carbs, sugar, bread, etc. to lose weight and you get to eat whatever you want". Guess what......people who lose weight are not eating whatever they want. Too many women think that if you don't eat you will lose weight. A lot of women don't want to put the time in at the gym and then they complain when others can eat a little bit more because the bust their *kitten* at the gym 6 days a week. Get over it. I don't really do well with women and the drama that the average woman creates over weight loss. Just do it. I've always had a different attitude about it. If someone notices my husband's weight loss - good for him......they missed mine - must mean I need to work harder.0
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To me it's an excuse. "Genes make me fat, genes make you lose weight"...blah blah blah....that's all I hear with that crap. I get so tired of women using that excuse. Yeah, a woman may have to work "harder" to lose weight, but there is no magical formula to this.....it's calories in, calories out. I get sick of the "I will have to cut out all carbs, sugar, bread, etc. to lose weight and you get to eat whatever you want". Guess what......people who lose weight are not eating whatever they want. Too many women think that if you don't eat you will lose weight. A lot of women don't want to put the time in at the gym and then they complain when others can eat a little bit more because the bust their *kitten* at the gym 6 days a week. Get over it. I don't really do well with women and the drama that the average woman creates over weight loss. Just do it. I've always had a different attitude about it. If someone notices my husband's weight loss - good for him......they missed mine - must mean I need to work harder.
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I agree...she seems jealous. Sad but true.0
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I think she's envious more then jealous.
Jealousy reflects a person's feelings or attitudes towards another person
Envy expresses a person's feelings or attitude towards another person advantages or accomplishments
In this case your wife is feeling envious of your success.
She doesn't wish you ill, she just wants it for herself as well.
BEEN THERE!
My husband chose to lose weight when I was pregnant with my youngest. When I gave birth I was so far behind! I loved how he looked and i wanted to look and feel the same way!
I admit there were times (many of them!) that i loaded his plate sky high to give him extra calories....
At one point I sat him down and explained my feelings to him.
I told him how I needed him to push me, and to encourage and compliment my small victories.
We also agreed to run together once a week.
Doing things together (diet, exercise, etc) is a great way to foster positivity and lose all the resentment.0 -
You'll never win the argument and if you did, then you'd still lose in the end. Just lose the weight.This started with an NSV (Non scale victory) at Church yesterday. One of the older ladies told me that I looked like I had lost some serious weight--yay me, 37 lbs in 1 year (30 last year, down 7 at Saturday's weigh in for this year). Later that day I told my wife that I had gotten an NSV and she proceeded to say that it was good that I had "good genes" that I could lose weight like I had. I was a bit thrown aback by that comment since I've been going to the gym consistently since February of last year. She proceeded to say that I didn't really do anything different to my diet and that it was my genes that enabled me to lose weight. I conceded that while that was true for last year, this year I've been watching my calories along with going to the gym & I'm losing weight far faster than I did last year.
She replied that I hadn't changed my eating habits and that if she wanted to lose weight she'd have to make serious lifestyle changes to her eating habits to consistently lose weight (such as dropping bread entirely, eating rice cakes or slimfast, etc...). I asked if she wanted to check my MFP journal for the last 3 weeks that I've been logging every little thing I eat, even if it's not good for me (eg. 1/2 Piece Nestle cookie cake slice on Friday) and I've constantly been at or below my reduced daily calorie goal. She claimed that I wasn't really sacrificing food, which made me ask, "Since when was eating 1,000 calories less than I'm allowed per day not a sacrifice?" We went back and forth for about 20 minutes when we finally agreed to disagree.
I know I'm rambling and venting, and I love my wife dearly. She's my best friend, but wow, did we disagree on this topic. She's been losing weight for the last year or so but at a much slower pace. I've told her about MFP and I'd be happy to share the experience with her, but she's resistant.
Anyone else had this disagreement?
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
SHE'S UPSET THAT YOU CHANGING FASTER THEN SHE IS AND KNOW SHE THINKS YOU THINK YOU GOT ALL THE AWNERS SHE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT'S NOT HER I KNOW THAT IS HOW I WOULD FEEL . BUT IT DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT GIVE HER SOME SPACE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT .0
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