Frustrated by husbands lack of enthusiasm

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Nicoleo1
Nicoleo1 Posts: 159 Member
in Motivation and Support
I used to be about 90lbs heavier. (several years ago) One day during a particularly awful fight my husband (who isn't a small guy) told me he was grossed out by me and no, he didn't want to have sex with me any more. So that inspired me to buy a pair of $300 earrings and lose 20lbs. But life got in the way: kids and hubby came first... working etc.. and though i lost another 20lbs over the years nothing significant or noticeable since it had been over such a long time.
Fast forward to last June when I had a health scare. It motivated me to really take control of my body and life and finally put ME first. It's so liberating to know my life is not just this huge train wreck -I can do this. So here I am now 20lbs away from my realistic goal, (or 40 from my "I wonder what I'd look like if..." goal.) I know I am not all that and a bag of chips, but size 12 jeans (getting baggy) and a medium top feels pretty skookum to me!
Here's my dilemma... I don't feel attractied to my husband anymore. It's not just that he's "portly" -if that was his fit body I would be happy with it. It's that we have a very nice treadmill in the gym he built for me and he refuses to use it. It's because we have an inground beautiful pool in the back yard and he refuses to use it (Well it is winter now, but in the summer...) It's because we have two dogs who need / like their walks and trying to get him motivated to walk with me is almost too painful to bother some nights. BUT menatally he's not the same any more... neither am I. I sometimes feel so good about myself... I know that I am looking younger, that my skin looks better... I sleep better, my mind is more focussed... I smile more. But the more fit and healthy I get the less fit and motivated he seems to get.
He says that he wants to exercise with me. But he won't. He says he wants to eat like me, but stops at Tim Hortons on the way to work. He eats his lunch (that I had to pack) mid-morning and then goes out for fast food at lunch... He did say that he was worried that I won't want him any more, but I am not mean enough to agree. I know it has to be up to him. Our lives seem to be taking on such different directions, me with new interests and him sitting on the couch what should I do?

Replies

  • ShrinkRapt451
    ShrinkRapt451 Posts: 447 Member
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    I have one word of advice for you:

    THERAPY.

    Seriously. He is probably not consciously testing his theory that the new you will not want the old him, but he's testing it nevertheless. And he's probably not going to hear that from you, especially if he can sense that you've lost respect for him. If you can get him to go to marriage therapy and the therapist can get him to be honest with you and with himself, and can get you to be honest with him the way you're being with yourself, then things might turn around. Dishonesty or avoidance will also communicate loud and clear. Either way, the course of action you want to take will probably get clearer. Expect some kicking and screaming, and you've gotta decide what you're willing to do if he refuses. (Consider therapy just for you, if he says no.)

    Good luck.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
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    Do what feels like the right thing to do for *you* (not your husband, not the kids, not the dogs) please. I know you'd like a bunch of people either telling you to leave him or to "make your marriage work" and continue to sacrifice your own happiness for your marriage vows, hope, pray, this, that and the other, but really - in your heart there is an answer that would please you. Forget everything else.
  • katiebythebay
    katiebythebay Posts: 611 Member
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    I have one word of advice for you:

    THERAPY.

    Seriously. He is probably not consciously testing his theory that the new you will not want the old him, but he's testing it nevertheless. And he's probably not going to hear that from you, especially if he can sense that you've lost respect for him. If you can get him to go to marriage therapy and the therapist can get him to be honest with you and with himself, and can get you to be honest with him the way you're being with yourself, then things might turn around. Dishonesty or avoidance will also communicate loud and clear. Either way, the course of action you want to take will probably get clearer. Expect some kicking and screaming, and you've gotta decide what you're willing to do if he refuses. (Consider therapy just for you, if he says no.)

    Good luck.


    Definitely agree with this (above) poster.

    Therapy might help, if not both of you, then you, yourself. There will be kicking and screaming at first and during, but hopefully the end result will be clarity, understanding and concern for one another and mutual respect, which I think (the respect) is the most significant thing missing from your relationship (if I read your post correctly.) It doesn't seem you're communicating with each other because both of you have hurt feelings.

    I really hope things work out but they won't get better on their own unfortunately.

    Good luck and much love to you guys.


    ~katie
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
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    Do what feels like the right thing to do for *you* (not your husband, not the kids, not the dogs) please. I know you'd like a bunch of people either telling you to leave him or to "make your marriage work" and continue to sacrifice your own happiness for your marriage vows, hope, pray, this, that and the other, but really - in your heart there is an answer that would please you. Forget everything else.

    This. Totally and completely.

    Do what is going to make YOU happy. Don't let other people tell you what you should or shouldn't do. If you are 100% honest with yourself - you'll know what you should do. Don't be afraid to let yourself be happy.
  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
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    If you aren't attracted to your husband anymore, its probably not because of the way he looks. Try to remember the things about him that you fell in love with the first time. There is truth to the idea that beauty is only skin deep.

    Don't hold his words from years ago against him - we all say things we wish we could take back in the heat of a moment. A lot of times they aren't even true.

    Finally, his desire to change is going to have to come from within, just like yours did. It isn't something that can be forced. In fact, pressing him might actually push him away.
  • StevLL
    StevLL Posts: 921 Member
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    Watch Fireproof!
  • Zee48
    Zee48 Posts: 789 Member
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    I have one word of advice for you:

    THERAPY.

    Seriously. He is probably not consciously testing his theory that the new you will not want the old him, but he's testing it nevertheless. And he's probably not going to hear that from you, especially if he can sense that you've lost respect for him. If you can get him to go to marriage therapy and the therapist can get him to be honest with you and with himself, and can get you to be honest with him the way you're being with yourself, then things might turn around. Dishonesty or avoidance will also communicate loud and clear. Either way, the course of action you want to take will probably get clearer. Expect some kicking and screaming, and you've gotta decide what you're willing to do if he refuses. (Consider therapy just for you, if he says no.)

    Good luck.


    Definitely agree with this (above) poster.

    Therapy might help, if not both of you, then you, yourself. There will be kicking and screaming at first and during, but hopefully the end result will be clarity, understanding and concern for one another and mutual respect, which I think (the respect) is the most significant thing missing from your relationship (if I read your post correctly.) It doesn't seem you're communicating with each other because both of you have hurt feelings.

    I really hope things work out but they won't get better on their own unfortunately.

    Good luck and much love to you guys.

    I totally agree with these two posters - therapy for BOTH. And if you are connected with a synagog, church, temple go speak with your religious leader and try to resolve the hurt. You have a lot of pain from his harsh words some time back and until you can get through that you will continue to hurt.


    ~katie
  • techteachergirl
    techteachergirl Posts: 161 Member
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    Watch Fireproof!

    Great movie
  • thoma74
    thoma74 Posts: 187 Member
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    Do what feels like the right thing to do for *you* (not your husband, not the kids, not the dogs) please. I know you'd like a bunch of people either telling you to leave him or to "make your marriage work" and continue to sacrifice your own happiness for your marriage vows, hope, pray, this, that and the other, but really - in your heart there is an answer that would please you. Forget everything else.

    Absolutely agree. My opinion, and that's all it is, is that he hurt you long ago with his words in that fight. And it's something that has stuck with you all this time. If you want things to work, counseling can help I'm sure. But most of the time, you already know in your heart what you want and need. You've accomplished so much in the past months. Don't give up on yourself.
    You're in my thoughts. :flowerforyou:
  • susanswan
    susanswan Posts: 1,194 Member
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    One thing that I learned FINALLY is that I cannot control anyone else. I can only control me. You can offer to help people. You can offer your support, but I think we all know as we were all once afraid to start to lose weight and even address the notion that we needed to do "something" that you cannot force anyone to do what they are not ready to do. When I decided I was ready, I did the work. I made the sacrifices. My husband while supportive to an extent does not agree with my weight loss lifestyle and is starting to tell me I am too thin. That is his right. He can have his opinion, but I have mine. This is my life and this is what I choose to eat. We have one real choice and that is what we put into our mouths. Nobody put food into my mouth, only me. I choose to be mostly vegetarian/vegan (if that makes sense). It makes perfect sense to me, but not my husband. Too bad. It is my life.

    As for living with your husband. I don't know what to tell you. You can only take care of you. He'll have to figure out what he wants to do about his health and his body. I'm sorry it is miserable for you in the meantime.
  • KareninCanada
    KareninCanada Posts: 795 Member
    Options
    I have one word of advice for you:

    THERAPY.

    Seriously. He is probably not consciously testing his theory that the new you will not want the old him, but he's testing it nevertheless. And he's probably not going to hear that from you, especially if he can sense that you've lost respect for him. If you can get him to go to marriage therapy and the therapist can get him to be honest with you and with himself, and can get you to be honest with him the way you're being with yourself, then things might turn around. Dishonesty or avoidance will also communicate loud and clear. Either way, the course of action you want to take will probably get clearer. Expect some kicking and screaming, and you've gotta decide what you're willing to do if he refuses. (Consider therapy just for you, if he says no.)

    Good luck.


    ^^^ Lots of wisdom in that post right there.
  • livinlife2012
    livinlife2012 Posts: 7
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    Great story. My wife and I have gone through the same ups and downs and started to do something together.
    She started taking Vi Shakes with me back in September and we embarked on a life changing, body changing experience. Losing weight together, meeting new people, enjoying company events and making our lives what we wanted them to be.

    This has just been since last September and it all came about due to reconnecting with a school friend from kindergarten. Nothing but the truth....a friend I met back up with at the dog kennel taking our pups during a family vacation and we happen to meet up and looked at each other and said don't I know you?

    It changed our lives and we became friends again and I had to ask what are you doing in life and that's where the story began.

    She and her hubby had a terrific and unbeleivable story.....

    They got my wife and I focused on our goals just by listening to their story as it was more of a journey and we loved hearing every minute of it. That is why my wife and I started on the Vi Shakes and they've changed our lifes in just a few months and hopefully they will continue to change in the new 2012 year as it's a journey as well.

    Good luck and enjoy your journey....life was meant to be lived to the fullest and we hope 2012 will be the best year of our lives.

    Great chatting with you today.....

    P:)
  • desirae500
    desirae500 Posts: 146 Member
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    I agree with other posters - couples' therapy. Good luck!
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,292 Member
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    I've heard some men do the weirdest things to get attention. (like literally behaving like a baby, to compete with the attention he child is getting etc.)
    It is possible that your new focus on yourself has kind of shocked him, and now he is (not consciously) attempting to get you to care and make a fuss again...
    Talk to him openly, or drag him to therapy.
    Some feelings just need to be gone through and got over with before there can be a change...
  • Hootsmamma
    Hootsmamma Posts: 254 Member
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    Watch Fireproof!

    Great movie

    Fireproof is a great movie. Watch it and look into getting the Love Dare as well. Good luck to you both.
  • Ourbeagles
    Ourbeagles Posts: 10
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    Watch Fireproof!

    Great movie

    That is an awesome movie! Really helps put things back in to perspective for some people!

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