Relationship advice... is it just me?!

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Replies

  • deniserenee_02
    deniserenee_02 Posts: 158 Member
    Long distance relationships are extreamly hard. I hope he isn't seeing someone else.
  • amykathleen2005
    amykathleen2005 Posts: 79 Member
    This probably won't sound very nice, but how did he feel about you leaving him to "clear your head". Isn't that what a boyfriend is supposed to help with?

    You need to see each other personally if this is going to work out. Surely one of you can go to the other for at least a short trip.
  • hbunting86
    hbunting86 Posts: 952 Member
    I think he understood me leaving - but he never tried to stop me. After spending so long nursing my dad through terminal cancer, my initial plan was to have a working holiday visa for a year then come back - but I was offered a fully funded PhD scholarship with international level researchers so I just couldn't turn that down for my future.

    I am planning to head back to the UK for a break soon, now that my finances are sorted.

    The way I look at it is that he has had more than twenty years more life experience than me, and I can't deprive myself of seeing some of the world. I love him dearly, but I can't make him feel any different about me. It's just so confusing as he SAYS he loves me and he misses me, but then things like this happens and I wouldn't even think about what he said to me, let alone say it... it just doesn't seem right.

    I'm not a run-around-giddy-party animal 26 year old.. I have an old head on young shoulders and sometimes this is to my detriment, as I click so much better with people older than myself, both in friendships and relationships. I just don't want to feel bad about wanting someone to be excited to talk to me or see me.
  • grobbygru
    grobbygru Posts: 292 Member
    Just enjoy your awesome opportunities in life mate. If he were 'that into you' - you'd know it. Don't waste your precious time on this bloke. There are plenty of hot kiwis over there!!!
    Good on you for taking the time to 'find yourself' after your dad's illness and death too. I have done the same thing in the last 8 months or so after losing my dad. It can be a risk - but so many people don't recognise when they need to 'regroup' after these major life incidences.
    You go girl!!!!
  • buckystars
    buckystars Posts: 129 Member
    Sorry to be blunt but when they start making reference to their own space it's a pretty good sign they're just not into it anymore.

    This. Sorry. :(
  • MaggiePuccini
    MaggiePuccini Posts: 248 Member
    Thanks for the advice/comments - I kind of figured that would be the direction, and you're right I'd sort of got the answer in my head but sometimes weirdly it's easier and clearer hearing it from others.

    Yes, I guess the parameters have changed. The plan was I finish my PhD then go back home and live with him and work there but more and more I'm seeing that that is not going to be fair on either of us. I could understand if I text him multiple times per day, or long messages but it's genuinely not - and constantly re-iterate that if he's busy or out or doesn't want to talk that's fine... I don't get upset about it - I'm not emotionally needy in that respect. What winds me up is being MADE to look needy just by expecting the very basic things in a relationship. What kind of put the nail in harder was that I've had two birthdays here and never even had a card from him. I think I'm flogging a dead horse and going to have to be the more mature one in this, ironically.

    Wow. Think about that, if you got a text from a friend and you felt irritated or crowded rather than any other emotion. I have done the long term relationship thing. I'm Irish and at one point I had an English bf. We didn't have the issue of time differences. But I know I just drifted away from the whole idea and to be brutally honest I began to find keeping in touch a chore. I no longer looked forward to hearing from him. It was something I had to do. Like ringing into work to catch up on something while on holiday!! A tiresome but necessary interruption to my real life! AS they say, men tell you what you need to know IF you listen.
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
    WOW! I didnt read all of the responses too many to read. However the first few all from women seem absolutely off base from reality. I think this is part of the problem with relationships these days, people quit them at the slight of any problem. It is simply to easy to walk away, then they state they cant find anyone,etc. However with that stated, I am 36 and can relate to the text thing. I would much rather talk on the phone or email than text. However even talking to me feels like I am talking to a wall. So I would much rather have meaningful conversations less frequently over less idea conversations more frequently. Quality over quantity.

    Being in your 20's these are the best times of your life. Do what you ultimately need to do for yourself. As long as you continue to grow, improve yourself, your situation, do what you need to do.

    BTW my post wasnt to bash anyone, I am sorry I somewhat made assumptions, that is just my feeling.
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    It's definitely not you. My fiancé is 25 years my senior and I would kick his *kitten* if he made a comment like that. That's not fair for you as he's being totally rude. I'd say tell him how you're feeling and figure some stuff out.
  • bikermike5094
    bikermike5094 Posts: 1,752 Member
    You bf is my age.
    Forget it.
    I would be much too crotchety for any 26 year old, young woman.
    Your needs would bore me; it'd be like trying to relate to one of my kids or something.
    Gut reaction?
    End it, and once you reach your fitness goals, start dating guys closer to your age.

    You need the excitement, passion and romance that only youth can provide.
    Just an opinion.
    I totally second this... your young and beautiful with a great career and life ahead of you. Dump the geezer and start living life!!!
  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
    I completely echo the advice given so far. While age isn't always a factor and doesn't necessarily mean issues for the relationship, some of what you've mentioned in your posts definitely does.

    The fact that while you were there he felt the need to hide it based on age says to me that he's embarrassed by the age difference.
    It also screams "warning sign" that, while you don't obsessively or excessively contact him especially if he's busy and it seems haven't expressed that he "needs" to do so............he apparently feels that way.

    You are young and if this is your first "real" relationship, my advice, as hard as it may be, would be to move on and live a little. You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100%. It shouldn't feel like an obligation or chore to contact and interact with you especially since you're so far away. It doesn't mean you have to date someone your own age necessarily but (as you sort of mentioned) you have the desire and right to have some of those "life experiences" that his 20 plus years have afforded him. Relationships with age differences can't really work if the older party let's their so called maturity weigh the younger one down.

    (For reference, this is just my opinion and you do need to do what's right for you. Just though you might appreciate the perspective of a younger woman also in a relationship with an older man (I am 27, my bf is 40))

    Best of luck to you in life and love!
  • lorro
    lorro Posts: 917 Member
    Sorry but this guy is not ready for a relationship. You are in New Zealand as he can not face telling his family that he is with you. You deserve more than this, not least a person who wants the world to know you are together.
  • zeeeb
    zeeeb Posts: 805 Member
    You really have to guage what each other are into. I had to train my partner up because he drove me crazy with constant calls and texts. I am not a phone person. He used send a message saying hi and then get annoyed that I didn't respond. Eventually he learned that I didn't need or want constant communication when I was at work, and now he loves that I'm not needy. No wonder his phone bill was 200 bucks, all this irrelevant natter about nothing. I hate the phone. Hate hate hate. For me its information only. No offence, but that's me. Not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship because one person likes to talk incessantly, and the other not so much.
  • Fat_Bottomed_Girl
    Fat_Bottomed_Girl Posts: 355 Member
    A TEXT is tedious???

    -SEE YA!
  • BandedTriaRN
    BandedTriaRN Posts: 303
    Did you ever read the book "He's just not that into you: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt ?
  • hbunting86
    hbunting86 Posts: 952 Member
    No but I think I should!

    To make life even more confusing... I received a big bunch of flowers with a lovely message for Valentines Day.

    Gah... and men say WOMEN are complicated!
  • UpToTheChallenge
    UpToTheChallenge Posts: 247
    be straight up and ask him about what he said.

    If you ask me, having a long distance relationship is pretty spacious. Talking once a day does not seem like too much, so he may be looking for a way out, or he could truly feel that way, so you need to ask him. How were the two of you before you moved? Did you see each other daily? Did you talk daily? Why has it changed NOW compared to previous?

    The one thing I see with girls is they aren't just straight up with the guy and ask what they really mean and then they go and over analyze everything. Don't do that to yourself. Ask :)
  • kiki41
    kiki41 Posts: 80 Member
    I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth. I have been married 3 years to a Navy man and as a result we have spent much of our time apart. We email every day and that is the only communication we really get. It is too expensive to call while he is in other countries, which is not often anyways.
    I am speaking from personal experience, as being the one who says communication is tedious. I feel badly for ever making my hubby feel like he was not a priority because emails are tedious. After being apart so long it makes it difficult to relate to each other and you continue your lives without each other every day. You guys are only human. That said, I would take warning that he is not wanting what you may be wanting out of this, or just is not into what he is considering "high maintenance" relationship. If he can't make the effort and not make you feel like an obligation, and you are still going to feel hurt (as you should) then it would be my recommendation that you perhaps discuss with him bringing things to a halt instead of prolonging any unnecessary hurt.

    good luck with this, and demand respect and what you deserve, regardless of the love you may feel for him.
  • hels4397
    hels4397 Posts: 100 Member
    Heres my take....Ive been in a long distance relationship with my now, fiance for 2.5 years. Even when he was doing a tour of duty in Afghanistan for 7 months...we spoke daily! Thats actually the time where we really got to know each other. He would get up extra early so that we would have even just an hour online together. In the past 2.5 years, there have been only a handful of evenings we haven;t "spent" together...even if it is via a web cam. We only get to see each other about every 6 weeks for a few days at a time. Its hard, but we make it work. He has NEVER said anything like that to me. Also, we text all day long....Im always woke with a "good morning sweetness....." text and the last thing at night...even after 3 hours online is "Love you xoxox good night".

    Now.....I don't know if this is what every man in love would be like...but thats how mine is. I hope you're able to figure things out. You sound like a very nice lady and perhaps you should find someone who is more appreciative of your time and heart. :flowerforyou:

    I'm with her on that one. I've been in your situation before, and the guy I was with was actually here. Believe me, there is someone who will treat you right, and want to spend all that time with you - talking/texting etc. I'm the same way in that I LOVE to talk/text, and I've finally found someone who appreciates that, and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I know it may be hard to walk away from 2 years, but believe me it's for the better. You will find someone who will appreciate your beauty & strength :heart:
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    I don't know your situation obviously, but I am sorry you are going through this ^^ I wouldn't say that he has lost interest, but I acted similarly when my feelings began to fade for my ex...I felt confused, because I loved who he used to be...but not who he became. I think maybe he is confused because you are away and he doesn't love not having you there...but he loved you when you were there and able to interact in person. ^^

    I think the best thing about a romantic relationship is how personal and special it is. This is a great opportunity to ask him how he feels and to explain your feelings. I'm also studying abroad. I have a crush on my friend, we went out today for Valentine's day. I had a crush on him since we met, and even joined a class to be with him. Unfortunately we both had to drop because of the crazy teacher and I thought that our mutual female friend also liked him...I also thought she was in our country for 2 years (while Im here for 1 year, crush is here 2). Ends up she never had a crush on him and is only here for 1 year as well <-< Unfortunately not having a close-enough relationship with her, I didn't bring up that I "also" (I seriously thought she liked him too) had a crush on this guy until recently. With him, since we are still just friends (although I want more), it is difficult to talk as openly about "feelings" u_u

    Please take advantage of being able to discuss anything with your partner. Also...worst case scenario...you are so young still. You have your entire life ahead of you so don't put your life on hold...Keep your options open. If he is truly "The One" you will end up together in the end anyway.

    Good luck~

    ps: I wasted 3 years trying to "fix" someone. The age gap was only 8 years, but I was in high school when we met so back then it was "a lot." in the beginning of our relationship he was a much different person...i held onto this image of who he was...he tried to revert back to that old image...it ended really badly for both of us. I lost my best friend. Ended up having to catch up on a social life, as I had spent all my time with him.....Since then I continued with this "devote to one person" thing and then got played <-< He got me to like him buy showering me with attention and gifts...then strung me along. I originally also liked his "friend," but went for him because he was good looking and seemed so "into me." My point is, I ended up wasting precious time on a "relationship" *again* and missed out on meeting other people etc...

    I recommend playing the field if you get the chance (because you are abroad)...Once I decided to put my main focus in order: 1st favorite, 2nd, 3rd, but still allow chances for other men (and women), I feel less anxious...because my attention isn't paid to one person, but multiple...and one guy for instance...I thought we didn't have much in common, but not closing myself off to just one person...I've found he's a really cool dude (just quiet) and we actually have a lot in common. My plan is: If I get lucky and my 1st favorite ends up my boyfriend (or 2nd or 3rd etc...people can move up and down if you allow the opportunity to get to know them)...when I move to a new country again I will allow him to date around and I will keep my options open. Again, if at the end of that time we still want to be together...it really means it is true!

    I hope this wasn't too confusing ^^
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