Daughters Wedding, I need to vent a bit...sorry

karenjoy
karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
edited November 10 in Chit-Chat
My daughter is getting married in a week...eeeek

Well that is the fabulous bit, the bit I need to vent about is less fabulous and kind of makes me feel crappy for feeling like it, so I want to vent here, feel free to tell me how horrible I am.....

My soon to be Son-in-Law is a super lovely guy, really a gem and I am very glad that my Daughter has found him, she has been through a lot and she deserves a prince and she seems to have found one. He has been in a relationship before, and has two little children, their Mum left them with him and went off with another guy who she thought had money, turns out he didn't...but that is another tale, she and future son in law now share the care of the children.

The issue I have is with his Mum, who I feel has not treated him fairly, she has two children, a daughter and him, and her daughter is married with a son, who gets DOTED on by grandparents, they see a lot of him, have him to stay, buy him things, take him to places etc. They do not so this with the other two grandchildren, which I do not understand, they are lovely children and we are very fond of them, they are a similar age to the daughters child, who is 7, and they are 5 and 3, so its not an age thing, they don't get taken out, they don't get the same attention at all. Now for my main complaint and the thing that I will get slated for...

The Mother of the groom has not got an outfit for the Wedding, has not helped with the preparation for the Wedding, although in their defence they are paying for the photographer as the present, which is £500 so that is a good help.I am also aware that she might feel as Mother of the Groom that she needs to not be involved. But now she has had a health scare, she went to the Dr and she is being sent for a scan at the Hospital on Monday, I don't think it will be great news as her blood test result was abnormal, but she is saying she is NOT coming to the Wedding,....I don't understand this, hell or high water would not keep me from my son or daughters Wedding, she is not horribly sick, as in needing to be in bed, she has not yet been given a diagnosis and even if she does, surely she would want to attend the Wedding of her only son? I think the fact that she still has not brought an outfit and there is less than a week to go speaks volumes about how she feels, considering she didn't go to the Dr until this week, its not that she knew in advance about the scan etc.

Or am I being Mother of the Bridezilla......

What do you think, I am so upset for my Son in Law to be, as he obviously wants his Mum there, and is worried for him. I just can't understand her at all....any thoughts
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Replies

  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    I hope getting all of that off of your chest helped!

    This situation is one you can't fix. It's probably not your place to talk your son-in-law's mother into going to the wedding, unless you feel you know her enough to do so, which it doesn't sound like you do. I don't understand parents who treat one child better than the other(s) without a good reason why (and there are definitely reasons why that might be called for but this situation doesn't sound like is one) and again, it's not your place to try to fix that situation, either.

    Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is to try to be the best person you can for your son-in-law and his children. If his mother won't dote on them, then you can. Be there for him as much as possible this coming week, fill in for the things his mother should be doing, as much as you can. After the wedding, spoil his children as if they were your own grandchildren because really, they now are, aren't they? You can't fix the mother's issues but you can certainly try to fill some of the void that she's leaving in their lives.
  • cmaguire305
    cmaguire305 Posts: 34 Member
    From a guy's POV, I'm with you on this. There is nothing, short of death, that would keep me from my kid's wedding. She's a horrible drama queen who would even make Jesus vomit with rage. Maybe not that bad, but yeah, screw her. I just hope her son will forget about it and have a great time at his wedding.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I don't know what the custom is across the pond, but in the U.S., the wedding is entirely the bride's family's responsibility. The rehearsal dinner is the groom's family's responsibility. Obviously, individual wedding parties may decide different things, but being unwilling to contribute to the wedding financially (unless it was really a necessity) wouldn't be of any great concern to me.

    A parent not being willing to attend a child's wedding and not wanting anything to do with grandchildren? That's horrible, and I feel badly for her son and his kids, too. That's pure selfishness, and I'm not sure there is anything that can be done externally to solve it. Trying to talk to her about it yourself might just create friction between the bride and groom, and you don't want that either. Tough situation.
  • amymarie8709
    amymarie8709 Posts: 329 Member
    I'm sorry to hear that. It's not fair and I feel that someone should say something to her. Just because she is the mother of the groom doesn't mean she can't be involved.

    My mother-in-law and my mother both did pretty much everything!! They were both there every step of the way!!!

    To each their own. Just remember it is her choice and I know it's going to break her son's heart, but SHE is the one who is losing out in the long run. Losing out on her son's life and her grandchildrens. All you can do is be there for them!! I'm sure you have enough love in your heart to cover ALL the bases!!!

    Good luck and Congratulations to the soon-to-be newlyweds!!!
  • marquesajen
    marquesajen Posts: 641
    I agree, this is an awful situation, but I think the best thing you can do is be there for both your daughter and you future son-in-law. I don't know if he has always been treated as second class by his mum, but I think it'll be great to have you in his life now, to support and love his children and so on. Have a great time at the wedding and do some relaxing!
  • ishallnotwant
    ishallnotwant Posts: 1,210 Member
    She may be feeling a little left out. It seems like so many people really make over the "Mother of the Bride" but the mother of the groom goes largely unnoticed. Should it matter? No, we're all adults, but some women do seem to let get to them. My mother in law told me several months after our wedding that she kind of didn't know what to do with herself as we prepared, she felt like she didn't have all kinds of stuff to do like my mom did. Add to that, that she has been widowed for years and my husband was taking care of her for so long, and she ended up kind of feeling like "the other woman". (My husband was 41 when he and I got married, he had stayed single for years to take care of his mom after his father passed away.) My mother in law literally spent our whole wedding day sobbing. I mean REALLY crying-and not in a good way. We don't have one nice (smiling) picture with her. In every single one we are holding her and comforting her as she sobs on our shoulder or our chest-some of the pics literally look like we are holding her up so she won't fall over. The pics with her in them look more like funeral pics than wedding pics lol. It was pretty awful. We spent our whole wedding day consoling her, and everyone else was paying attention to her too and feeling bad for her. No offense, but if his mom is in a funk, it might be better for his wedding day if she stays home rather than makes the day all about her. I hope that doesn't sound too catty. :blushing:
  • rammsteinsoldier
    rammsteinsoldier Posts: 1,552 Member
    I am afraid there isn't much you can do. My ex's mom didn't want to come to our wedding. In fact, his parents planned a trip to Europe after our date was set. They finally, reluctantly, agreed to come but then they wouldn't allow his grandparents to come because they don't get along. Anyway, we just had to decide it was their loss for acting that way and made the best of the day. She will regret her decision not to go to the wedding in the future believe me. but for some reason family seems to equal drama in some cases.

    I have my daugther's wedding in September and there is nothing that would keep me from being there. I am sorry you and your daugther are having to deal with this.
  • dsj2bw
    dsj2bw Posts: 6 Member
    karen i had this problem ish when i married **** head his mum didnt bother made no effort at all and when it comes too the kids thats abbother story!! her daughters kids she would bend over backwards for mine?? once every 2 weeks is enough of her i dont have boys as u know but wether i did or not theres no way id ever ever let me being ill stop me from going too my sons wedding!!!! and i certainly wouldnt treat my grandchildren any different some people confuse me!!!xxxx
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
    As far as financially - typically yes the bride's parents pay for the wedding, grooms for rehersal dinner but more and more this is changing and many couples foot the bill themselves. I wouldn't ever automatically assume the grooms parents will help at all, some are financially unable to do so especially now with so many single parents.

    His mother sounds like she has issues with him, what they are, who knows? I would stay out of it and just be the best mother/grandmother in law to him and his children that you can be. You can't control others, only yourself. Don't worry about his mother or let her get you feeling negative. You can't make her be a better person. Celebrate with them and enjoy!
  • garnet1483
    garnet1483 Posts: 249 Member
    I'm so sorry for you, your daughter, and him. Is it possible she has sore feelings over her son's first relationship? I think the best thing you can do is what it sounds like you're already doing--be a supportive mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. Shower the family with love and support, so they're getting it from somewhere, and be open to listening if either of them want to vent.
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
    I got married in 1992 my ex motherinlaw never helped with our children rarely spent time with them I asked her once to look after our eldest she refused she has 2 sons 3 daughters she lost her husband and got all the money took her daughters and theyre husbands and 9 grandchildren to florida disney world for 3 weeks all paid for and we and his brother got £500 each after the eldest sister said itunfair as we didnt get invited..........

    Our wedding was completely taken over by my ex motherinlaw she told us where we will marry I had to hve 4 bridesmaid guess who yes her grandaughters and I had to marry in London but lived 100 miles away being 22 I didnt speak up

    Sadly her blodd test isnt great but as you say she could go

    I learnt when I divorced my ex that many things went on before I was around and my ex wasnt a saint when growing up so maybe thats why my ex motherinlaw was like this?

    Things happen we dont know of in the past Id just leave her too it it lookjs like its the best way she will regret it x
  • rammsteinsoldier
    rammsteinsoldier Posts: 1,552 Member
    My ex mother-in-law went so far as to disown my daugthers (from a previous marriage) and myself. She was just horrible to the three of us, so I am sure she is glad the marriage fell apart.
  • keesh1123
    keesh1123 Posts: 229 Member
    From what I gather, it doesn't sound like you are "wrong" for feeling the way that you do.

    As far as trying to fix it, or be hard on his mom, of course you can't and shouldn't do that b/c you don't know what she may be dealing with. But I don't think that what you are trying to do, you just wanted to vent your feelings right?
  • becoming_a_new_me
    becoming_a_new_me Posts: 1,860 Member
    It sounds like she is a bit of a drama queen. I know of a few people where there is a son and daughter where the son gets ignored by the mother because she has a better relationship with the daughter. In these cases, the father is a close companion of the son. Is the Father of the groom attending? Really, it is her loss...but I really think she is looking for the sympathy vote given the medical issues. Maybe she just cannot stand the spotlight to be on someone else? Either way, if it were my child, I don't care if I have to show up in a backless gown with IVs attached, I would not miss the wedding.
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    From what I can gather, she seems a bit odd. The only thing I can say is, be the best Mother-In-Law to him as you can be. I'm sure he gets the same vibe from his Mother as you do, as it seems pretty apparent.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
    That's a very unfortunate situation. Sadly, we can't fix the awful people in the world. It sounds like you are doing what you can to give everyone enough love to try to make up for what they aren't getting from her. That's all you can do.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
    Some mothers will do anything to make everything going on all. about. them. .... she may feel that she hasn't gotten enough attention lately with the son's upcoming nuptuals, and has decided to find a way to be the center of attention again.

    Either way, there's nothing anyone can do, and yes, I think it's probably crappy, but he's her psychosis... let her have her crazy and the rest of you just go about your joyful day!!


    *I'm getting married in a little over three months. Weddings make people crazycakes.
  • TheBakerGirl
    TheBakerGirl Posts: 151
    This is a very sad situation! First of all, I'm very sorry to hear the future MIL is ill. I really hope that the tests will bring news of something that's easily fixed. Second, I'm sorry for your daughter and son-in-law to be…they must both be stressed, worried, and upset about the whole situation.

    If I were in your daughter's shoes, I'd appreciate your concern for the situation. It's amazing that you care so much about your daughters fiancé to even be talking about all of this. That says a lot about your relationship with your daughter and her fella. Very cool. I would hope my mom could find a way to help us "forget" about the situation with the MIL and help make the wedding go off as if it had never happened. I'm sure they are already anxious about the wedding, and this is just making things worse. Anything you can do to help them focus on their special day will be worth the world to them. If the MIL does end up not coming to the wedding, do whatever you can to make her feel included…have someone send photos from their cell phone during the event, save her a piece of cake, etc. Who knows what her true reason is for not coming…it's a shame if she really is so sick that she can't come, and even more of a shame if there's another motive behind it. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't spend your energy thinking about it. Instead put yourself into helping your kids (daughter + fiancé) focus on their big day. It'll all work out!

    Enjoy the wedding to the fullest!! Seeing your baby girl get married is a special day for you too!!
  • maab_connor
    maab_connor Posts: 3,927 Member
    that is a sucky situation. the only thing i can say is keep being there for him and his kids, let them know that you love them and that they're part of your family and you're HAPPY to have them around.

    i wish "smack her" was a viable option, but unfortunately that wouldn't fix anything.

    just be constant with love and understanding.

    all the best to them.
  • Reedern
    Reedern Posts: 525 Member
    I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do and you have every right to feel that way. However, you cannot force anybody else to do things. All you can control is what you do, say, and feel so just continue to shower your daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren with your love and support. In the end, you will feel good about it and so will they no matter how his mom is he will look at you as more of a mom and his kids will be closer to you and love you more than her because you treat them the way they need and deserve to be treated. One day, she will regret her decision very much and all she can hope for is forgiveness. Congrats to your daughter and God bless them with a long and happy marriage!
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
    Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is to try to be the best person you can for your son-in-law and his children. If his mother won't dote on them, then you can. Be there for him as much as possible this coming week, fill in for the things his mother should be doing, as much as you can. After the wedding, spoil his children as if they were your own grandchildren because really, they now are, aren't they? You can't fix the mother's issues but you can certainly try to fill some of the void that she's leaving in their lives.

    This^^^. Just be there for him, his kids, and your daughter. Do the things that she's missing out on by being the drama queen. Maybe there's reasons for what she does but who really cares what happened in the past. Obviously, she does. But, don't let her sour attitude ruin the day for the rest of you.
  • dragomom
    dragomom Posts: 88 Member
    The only thing you can do is to be there for him and his children. Love the children as if they were your biological grandchildren, they need to know what a loving grandparent is.

    4 weeks before my daughters wedding, I was in a car accident and was unable to walk, I went to her wedding in a wheel chair and not once did I even think about skipping her special day. It will be her loss if she misses his wedding, and in time she will regret it.

    Focus on your daughter and future son in law and have a wonderful time at the wedding. :)
  • HotBodUnderConstruction
    HotBodUnderConstruction Posts: 420
    Is this the first time your SIL's mother is flakey or have there been other occasions where she's done something similar to this?
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    Be the best, kindest MIL to him that you can be. And NEVER NEVER bring up this subject to him. Even if his mother's actions are horribly hurtful for him, you can score NO points, win no friends if you ever bring it up to him.

    My stepson's mother didn't come to his HS graduation. She drove across country, from MT to NV to be in town, and at the last minute had a terribly self-centered "headache" and she didn't come. To the commencement or to the grad/pool party at our home the next day (she was invited and welcome!). It broke my son's heart. But I cannot, will not, EVER speak to him about it, because it will only come off as attacking his mother. Which nobody can tolerate very well.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    Wow.... that is so sad for him, but very lovely of you to be concerned and upset for him. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about his mother or how involved or not involved she will be, but you can continue being you towards him and his children. I'm sure it helps more than you know.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I would say that she likely doesn't want to come to the wedding because she is depressed about her health and doesn't want to ruin the day by being a downer.

    But the fact that she doesn't dote on her grandchildren equally makes me think that it is more about a strain on her relationship with her son. Honestly, there is no way of knowing what has occurred between the two of them and nothing that you can really do about it. The best that you can do is just accept him with open arms into your family and try to give him some of the love that he is missing from his own mother. Best of luck to you all!
  • redefiningmyself
    redefiningmyself Posts: 476 Member
    A week left is lots of time to find a nice outfit to wear for the wedding. More to the point, what she does or doesn't do isn't really any of your business.

    But I have to say, if you were my mom, or my future mother-in-law, I'd be extremely angry that you posted personal family business on a public website where anyone and everyone could see.
  • sugar66
    sugar66 Posts: 41
    Be there for your son-in-law and the kids, there could be issues between him and his mum you know nothing about.
    You cannot know what is going on inside this womans head, and therefore unless you are close you will not know.
    My advice would be don't let her spoil what is a special day for everyone, just relax and enjoy the day.
    You now have two wonderful sounding grandchildren who are obviously getting loving grandparents and a mother in you and your daughter.
    Some people are very selfish if they are not the centre of attention, and as girls ask their mum for advise she may be feeling left out of the loop, you don't mention your son-in-laws father I wonder how he feels about the situation.
  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
    My FIL didn't come to our wedding. It was hurtful and him and hubby didn't really talk for a while afterward. He had a pretty lame excuse. He also dotes on our son but nothing yet for our new daughter. We're here when it's convenient unfortunantly.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    Thank you everyone, I think I should explain that Son in Law's parents are together, and so if she doesn't come then I am not sure if he will, and if he does it will be difficult for him as I am sure he will feel as bad as I would of my Husband was to not come for what ever reason.

    For the Americans, we don't do the 'rehearsal dinner' thing here, and the Bride and Groom, are paying for most of this Wedding themselves, although my hubby and I are doing lots of things to help, and I am doing all the flowers, the table decorations, the order of the days, we have sorted the videographer and hair and make up etc, My Husband is not my Daughters father, but he is giving her away as she has asked him too and is fit to burst with the pride of it all. We are doing all we can to support and help them, and his parents have shown very little interest in the whole thing, and I don't mean financially, I mean asking about it...just saying how is it going etc.

    I have a feeling the health issue will turn out to be serious, just by the things that she is telling my Son In Law, although at the moment she has no diagnosis apart from the abnormal blood test result and the upcoming scan. Up until last weekend she was her normal self and had her Grandson to stay on Tuesday and was out as football on the weekend, so is not 'ill' other than whatever is going on 'inside'

    As to the ex, they didn't like her, had no time for her at all, and my Son In Law to be thought that the reason they didn't come to his house etc was because of his ex...but now they won't come because they have a cat and apparently she 'hates' cats, in fact she killed one with a brick that was in her garden! I have met her quite a few times, and she seems pleasant and not weird or rude etc, and she told me that she was pleased her son was not with his ex as she didn't like her. But now my Daughter thinks they don't like her either!

    We have the table plan all sorted, the place names all done, the Order of the Day has her name on it, they have brought her a gift...it all seems so odd that she is even considering not being there, I am SO SO SO EXCITED, proud, happy and wishing them a wonderful, stress free and happy love filled day to remember, and I guess not being able to understand why she might even be considering not coming is making me confused. It is making my Daughter stressed, and I just want to support her, without upsetting my Son in Law.

    People are strange, and we are not all the same I realise, but a Wedding is supposed to be a happy time, so it makes it so ironic how stressful it can become. xXx
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