Getting your spouse on board?

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  • calliope_music
    calliope_music Posts: 1,242 Member
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    unfortunately, you can't change people. if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. my guess is that he will notice your success and "see the light" so to speak.
  • eschwab855
    eschwab855 Posts: 258 Member
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    My suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?

    ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.

    I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.
    WOW how did I miss this and it was the second post see I complain people dont read post and I did it
  • eschwab855
    eschwab855 Posts: 258 Member
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    The only reason I am on this topic is my wife is like your hubbys she doesnt really want to do MFP BUT she knows we both need this. Thank god I love my wife and we know how to handle this she has lost 18 pounds mostly eating what I eat. I am off work right now so I cook the meals but she is liking what I am cooking. I do the work logging only difference is I do 1000 calorie workouts and she don't that may be our 11 pound weight loss difference.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,967 Member
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    Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Don't nag him about it or anything (sounds like you aren't.) Just keep up the good work and maybe after a while he will see how your hard work paid off and that will motivate him to do the same and you can help him. Good luck!
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    Well EXCUSE me, but I was just looking for a little moral support from other wives dealing with a similar situation and NOT a lecture on what a terrible wife I am.

    Yes, it is truly TERRIBLE that I want my husband to care about his health and not be dead from a stroke in 20 years.

    It's not terrible that you want him to care about his health. No one is saying you're a terrible wife.
    And I have lost weight before. 30 lbs in fact. And it made no impression on him last time, he just did his thing like he is this time.

    HE is the one who complains about his weight to me. He wants to change. I know he is not happy. But my point was he only complains, doesn't actually do anything about it. And he doesn't want any help or suggestions from me.

    Congrats on losing the weight before. I'm sure that subconciously your previous weight loss and your current efforts are making an impression on him. Didn't you have a time where you complained about your weight? That you weren't happy with it but you chose not to do anything about it until recently? You started your journey when you were ready - he just hasn't gotten to the point of doing something about it quite yet. No one wants help or suggestions until they are ready. Not you, not me, not anyone. I know for me, if someone said something about my weight it didn't make me want to lose weight just because they were judging me, it made me feel defiant and angry that they couldn't accept me for who I am including what I look like.
    He is a smart man and a good man, but it is frustrating that he won't even try. I know he is not happy with himself.

    Again, he has to be the one to choose to try. It's nothing against you. He just isn't unhappy enough yet. When he gets to that point, you'll know and you'll be able to be there to support him.
    I DO show him love and appreciation. I thank him when he cooks and I do appreciate it, but it's not unreasonable to ask him not to load up my calories.

    Like I said before, the only way to not have him load your calories is for you to do all the cooking. Treat the meals he makes as a "cheat day" if necessary. My husband loves to prepare meals for us and while they are usually full of salt or sometimes lacking in veggies I still eat them because it makes him feel good to provide for us. It's a trade off - make him feel good and watch your portions on your own or make him feel sad and inadequate because what he does for you isn't good enough. This is not an attack just an effort to get you to see his side of it. We know you love him or you wouldn't be upset about the situation and looking for a solution.
    And I only bring up the bedroom because he implies that he would like more in that department, but often seems too tired to follow through. And I know the weight isn't helping. I am perfectly happy with things in that department as it turns out. It's not like I'm giving specifics here or being terribly personal! Jeez, don't be such a prude.

    Is isn't necessarily "prudish" to caution you about speaking of bedroom stuff between you and your husband. He may get curious about this MFP thing and log in under your name. I know I leave my account logged in constantly on my home computer so if my husband chooses to look at MFP under my name and gets curious about my posts, he can look at them. If your husband looks and sees what you have written about this very, very senstive subject, his feelings may be hurt. That kind of hurt can last a very long time even if the only thing you mean by it is that he gets out of breath easily during that time.
  • 1Timothy4v8
    1Timothy4v8 Posts: 503 Member
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    My suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?

    ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.

    I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.

    This ^^^ but I don't blame you for trying to control your hubby we as woman are trained to do that by the tv from a early age, but if you keep it up you and he will be misrable, my hubby is sooo fit and I am soo happy he hasn't made me feel like crap all these years even now that I am on bourd with being healthy he pulled me aside and said I just want you to not have any feelings like I am presuring you into this,

    and mind you I have been crappy in the sack for the last couple of years cause of being over wieght but I have ehard nothing from him, he makes it work, so tell me do you want to be happy or controling,
  • monkeymouse74
    monkeymouse74 Posts: 288
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    I just want to give perspective from his side. When I met my husband, I was very thin. I became very ill one day and was put on medication (cortisone) in very large quantities. I put on five dress sizes in a year. He stood by me and supported me, but he was no longer attracted to me. Years went by and he tried to force me to lose the weight. I just couldn't face the mountain I had to climb, but he continued to pick at me. Everyday I was told what I should eat, what exercise I should do etc. It only made me dig my heals in! I was humiliated, angry and very hurt. We lost our enjoyment of eachother. I still loved him and he loved me too, but we were'nt happy anymore.He now works a fly in fly out job, and since he's been away, I finally found my feet. And now I'm losing weight and getting fit without the contsistent advice from him (which nearly drove me to leave him). We are much happier together now, and he sees a marked difference in me everytime he comes home. He is now so proud of me, and our love and enjoyment of eachother has grown back to the way it was in the beginning of our relationship. I beg you not to fall into this trap that could see you both very unhappy. Give him time, he needs to face this journey on his own terms and in his own way. Your love and concern could end up killing your relationship. Just live the example, he will eventually follow.:flowerforyou:
  • gbelltx
    gbelltx Posts: 142
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    bump
  • ash190489
    ash190489 Posts: 587 Member
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    Oh my goodness. I cannot believe how 'offended' people are getting about someone else's husband that they don't even know. Get over it! Leave this poor woman alone. You're accusing this woman of putting her husband down, etc. however that makes it okay for you to put this woman down who is just looking for some constructive advice in regards to HER situation. It is not YOUR situation, YOU do not know HER or HER HUSBAND. It's just hundred's of 'random' people. It's a personal choice and all you are is a third party random person whose opinion is of no relevance to her so get off this forum unless you have some real constructive and positive feedback.

    I am really sorry to here about your situation, it's very unfortunate. I do not have very much constructive feedback at all, but I feel for you so badly in terms of your situation and the people who are putting you down.

    Good luck with everything, I am sure he will eventually come around... when he sees your great successes and how great you're looking perhaps he will get a bit unsure about all the extra attention your getting and that might get him into health mode. I would be exactly like you in commenting & offering, however perhaps give it a rest for now. I completely agree that it's not unreasonable to ask for a couple of alternatives to be excluded from your meal that he cooks, if he is supportive of you and your journey then it shouldn't be a problem... so just be supportive of him and his journey I guess.

    xx
  • deegeyspazms
    deegeyspazms Posts: 56 Member
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    I'm in the same boat as you - your post prompted me to work out my hubby's BMI and it is 36 - which on the British NHS site is right over on the obese side! That's shocked me a bit and as we're now over 40 I'm starting to think of the future of our health...
    Like yours my man is smart and wonderful. My 'tactic' is to set an example and let him take his time. Winter is not a good time for him.
    Tricky.
    Feel free to add me - all my friends have either reached their goals and no longer log in or are still to get started! I'm also at my goal, but am staying here to keep on track!
  • annie7hudds
    annie7hudds Posts: 199 Member
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    unfortunately, you can't change people. if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. my guess is that he will notice your success and "see the light" so to speak.

    I agree with this.

    Just keep working on your own weight loss - and hopefully he will seeit working and want to change.

    x
  • avafrisbee
    avafrisbee Posts: 234 Member
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    Wanting to help motivate your husband to live a healthy life makes you a GOOD wife not a bad one. I do agree that you can't force him to be healthy if he doesn't want to be though. Help him find his motivation.

    Also what you post about your life and your relationship is your business. How do any of us know that this isn't a well known issue between you and your husband and all your friends and acquaintances? For all I know this is regular living room chatter for you. Our job here is to provide support, encouragement and advice (always remember to check medical related advice with a doctor) not to tell you you are a bad person for wanting to find ways to encourage your husband to be healthy. I think there are some people that got hung up in the wording of your post and not the meaning. Not everyone can be articulate enough to express exasperation with a situation without sounding a little off kilter.

    I hope you can help your husband to find his motivation. In the mean time, keep up the good work yourself :-)
  • raszu
    raszu Posts: 4 Member
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    Guys/Girls,

    I think we can do better if we leave right or wrong as what she said originally and simply connect to the topic she liked to discuss. All she meant to ask if there is way she can motivate her husband to join her on this journey.

    Answer from all the posts seems 'No'.
    However What I would recommend (seems like some one did touch on this), if you can find some activity which is little less Gym like and more interactive sports, many people prefer that type of activity then going Gym.
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member
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    A couple of ideas....I agree with finding something 'fun' to do together...going to the gym BITES (unless you're doing a class you enjoy). We are fortunate to have moved somewhere warm and do hiking together....you can look into a class of some sort together like a martial arts class, or some similar class you can bond together and get him off his tooshie.

    Ultimately it has to come from him.

    For my husband...it was a cardiologist telling him he was going 6 feet under if he didn't pull his crap together. So depending on how overweight he IS a trip to the doc could help.

    I almost had a heart attack when just after a month of 'true' dieting (after a failed attempt when I had started which involved a whole lot of justification on his part) my husband came to me and said "you know call it cave man or God's plan but eating natural organic foods just makes sense".

    This from the man who could LIVE on fried chicken, mcdonalds and chicken fried steak with a side of bacon, buttered grits and eggs for breakfast. I almost had him sold that there's a conspiracy by some invisible parties to kill us all through food....population controll! (okay not really)

    So we've been physically active together (hiking) almost a year, but his dieting really only started a month ago after the talk with the doctor, so the weight loss had been pretty slow to this point. It is picking up now I am happy to report. Also, since speaking with his doctor instead of huffing through one hike a week he's working at building indurance the whole week by treadmill/heavier hilly walks 5 times a week as well. Even in the past month I've noticed a difference in his endurance on our hikes. This is in addition to a hike and martial arts. However, he's a type 1 diabetic with asmtha and a heart condition..the weight does not come off fast!
  • applejacks1552
    applejacks1552 Posts: 30
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    Thanks to all those that gave positive advice! I will take it to heart. I really do appreciate those of you who gave good suggestions. I sure wasn't trying to stir up some big controversy. I think it's a common problem for people trying to lose weight to have close family and friends that are sometimes indifferent or not supportive when they have the same issue themselves.

    Isn't that part of the point of being here? Looking for support and advice from people who might understand you? I was just feeling frustrated with him and needing to vent to people who I thought might understand and had experienced the same situation. I do talk to closer friends, but most of them don't have the same issue with weight. Sorry if I came off as harsh on my husband!

    I am not harsh in the way I treat him at all. I know he is very sensitive about his weight and I understand that. I know I can't change him or even expect him to change. And I would hate to seem like I'm trying to be manipulative.

    Since I started I have been saying almost nothing to him about my diet/exercise unless it was necessary information (as in, if you're looking for me I'll be downstairs for a bit) or if he asks something specifically about it (i.e. what are your plans for the evening/what would you like on your burger).

    He knows what I'm up to. I'm not going to hide it. And I haven't demanded that he join me. But I didn't feel it was wrong to invite him to join me once or twice for some exercise. I mean, I was asking him to come spend time with me doing something good for both of us? And again, it's not constant nagging. I asked (very nicely might I add) a couple times and haven't asked again.

    As for the cooking, I'm trying not to impose my rules onto his plate and I do eat what he makes when he cooks (which isn't all the time). But I do have to do some measuring and impose some limits on myself, which he has never said anything about, but I can tell that once or twice he was slightly annoyed. I love his cooking and that he cooks. But he doesn't make things that are healthy in the slightest and if I always indulged in his meal, like I used to, there is no way I'd be losing weight.

    I want to have a long and healthy life with him. And I want us to be a good example for our children. Going by the BMI, I am obese and he is considered morbidly obese. We both need to change if our daughter is going to have a chance at a healthy weight.

    And we have had numerous talks about it throughout our relationship, even before we were married, and both agreed that we wanted to lose weight. Again, my frustration was that while I've tried taking some action he has not. I want to help him, but how? You can't help someone who doesn't want your help!

    But I know I should be more patient and let him come to in in his own time. It's up to me to worry about myself for now and work toward my own success.

    I only hope I can do well enough this time to change my life and to inspire action on his part this time.

    Last time I lost weight, I managed to gain it all back during a very stressful and difficult pregnancy that was followed by having a preemie in the NICU for a month. We are hoping to have another child in the next year or two and that is helping motivate me to get healthy again so that maybe, just maybe, we can have a baby at term this time. I don't think it's a big secret that weight can influence things in that realm.

    I really hope he will come around at some point and care more about his health. We are both hitting our 30's and can't keep relying on youth to get us by. I've seen a few hints now and then that perhaps the wheels are turning in that direction for him. So who knows?

    It will really help once summer gets here. Being cooped up in the house for the winter is not helpful. I agree with those of you saying that a more fun physical activity might interest him more. He used to be a football player, so it's not like exercise is totally alien to him. But I think he likes something more interactive and more like a game. We don't belong to a gym and it wouldn't be ideal from a time or cost perspective as we both work full time and have a 2 year old. We both love to swim, but options are a bit limited there. Again, summer will be our saving grace, as we have a large park and a long bike trail very nearby which are great for the whole family and also free.

    Sorry again if I came off harsh to some of you, I just needed to vent. Thanks again to those of you who were understanding and helpful!

    As for this post thread, I'm just done with it. I think we've all dwelt on this topic enough for now. I'm dropping it and moving on.

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