OT Divorce Vent

allysonb80
allysonb80 Posts: 109 Member
edited November 11 in Chit-Chat
Can I rant here a little? This has nothing to do with weightloss or the usual topics posted here. I am just so frustrated. I am through my divorce and yet I still feel like I need an attorney on retainer. Every week I have a legal question and I am so tired of it. I just want everything to be done with so we can move on. Well, done in the sence of financial and "battles". We have kids so unfortunately I have to deal with this jerk the rest of my life. But I am so tired of not know the right/legal thing to do. Even in my divorce I was guessing most of the time because if I emailed my lawyer she would charge me for the time. And I don't have $250/hour to pay every situation that comes up. And now that everything is "final" and I still have questions I can't go to her at all. Well, I could but like I said, I would have to pay. With him not paying his child support I just don't have the money. I can barely support us on what I make and even then I find myself borrowing money. I never thought he would be this person. I have learned so much about the type of person he is. It's like someone I never knew. And this was the person I MARRIED!! And it scares me to think it could be like this for the next 16 years!! :(

OK, rant over. Thanks for "listening". You deserve a cookie. Go have one. I said so.
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Replies

  • DariensGirl
    DariensGirl Posts: 15
    Do not feel bad about ranting! I think that is the best part of this website, I can rant about my day in a blog or in a post and feel so much better.
    I would rather rant and rave online than keep it inside and eat.
    I am glad that you want to share. I love listening. :D I think that's why I want to become a psychologist/
  • erzsebet_1560
    erzsebet_1560 Posts: 166
    I am not sure what the laws are there, but if he is not paying I would contact the attorney generals office.
  • EricNCSU
    EricNCSU Posts: 699 Member
    I know exactly how you feel. Thankfully no kids are involved so no "battle" there. But one day my wife just decided to "walk out" on me.. just up and left. I think she is completely clueless to the huge mess that she left behind (that I am stull cleaning up) and the huge mess she created going forward. North Carolina has a one year (F ME) waiting period, so I have to put up with the BS for another 9 months or so. I am not a happy camper. And of course she just flits away and goes on with her life like nothing happened and I'm the one shoveling *kitten* for years to come. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I am pulling my hair out over here.
  • vanessa40
    vanessa40 Posts: 328 Member
    It is scary how much someone can change once you divorce them or money is involved. I wish you the best of luck. I know it must be hard on you and your children.
  • Elizadolots
    Elizadolots Posts: 178
    It's not the easiest thing to go through. Even if you don't love the person anymore, the dissapointment of your lack in judgement stays a little while! Do you know, you can drag this on for as long as you want, and with money and kids there might always be 'something'. But the biggest favor you can do for yourself, is to let go and let it be. Anger, frustration, fear - it's all going to hold YOU back. And your children!

    I decided the best revenge would be for me to be happy and fabulous. To put it all well and truly behind me! And I never looked back. Live now for yourself and your children, not to get even or score more points than him. Just let go of all of it. You'll be doing yourself a world of good.

    Chin up, it gets easier when you are ready to move on!
  • allysonb80
    allysonb80 Posts: 109 Member
    I am not sure what the laws are there, but if he is not paying I would contact the attorney generals office.

    Oh, my legal troubles don’t have anything to do with him not paying child support. He quit his job once the full support kicked in and it was being taken out of his check. I have a case with Child Support Services and they will go after him for the money; should he ever have money. That is the EASY part of everything. Well, other than me being broke as hell. It is all the other stuff I need legal advice for.
  • ARDuBaie
    ARDuBaie Posts: 378 Member
    For those considering divorce, talk to women who have been through a divorce. They will know what you are entitled to. Do your research, tell the lawyer what you want, even write out a tentative agreement. This way, the costs will be lower. My lawyer didn't do a thing. I had 1 year of law training, did the research, and got a good deal. LOL

    Allyson,

    In some states, you don't need a lawyer to get the child support. You can go to the attorney general's office and get some help or guidance. Shop around for lawyers as well. Some lawyers charge a flat rate. Go with them as your lawyer appears to be in it for the money, not to help people. Additionally, in some cases, if you have to take him to court over the child support, you may be able to also get him to pay your legal fees. Check it out. If you have a limited income, the county lawyer may be able to help you for a nominal charge. You may have to serve him. Have a big bully friend serve the papers instead of a court appointed person. They can take others along if they need to.

    Hope this helps. Good luck. And yes, we find out who the real person is when things like this happen. Many ex's - men and women - will hurt the children in order to get back at the ex-spouse. It is immature and irresponsible, but that is the way of humans.
  • allysonb80
    allysonb80 Posts: 109 Member
    It's not the easiest thing to go through. Even if you don't love the person anymore, the dissapointment of your lack in judgement stays a little while! Do you know, you can drag this on for as long as you want, and with money and kids there might always be 'something'. But the biggest favor you can do for yourself, is to let go and let it be. Anger, frustration, fear - it's all going to hold YOU back. And your children!

    I decided the best revenge would be for me to be happy and fabulous. To put it all well and truly behind me! And I never looked back. Live now for yourself and your children, not to get even or score more points than him. Just let go of all of it. You'll be doing yourself a world of good.

    Chin up, it gets easier when you are ready to move on!

    I WANT to move on. And I am trying to. But until I get get all the financial stuff severed I have to deal with him. I would NEVER try to get him back for anything. My kids come first and to do anything like that would just hurt them.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
    Sorry to hear about all the stuff the attorney is putting you through. I'm learning about those type of expenses and how they work in Accounting and it's just awful! I really agree with the lady that suggests looking for other divorced women you can talk to for FREE and get some real information the divorce lawyer probably won't want to part with. I can understand they have to make a living too but it seems all so ridiculous just to get some questions answered.

    I hope things work out for you eventually! Good luck.
  • lappyd425
    lappyd425 Posts: 112 Member
    Every Sunday when my EX comes to pick up the kids, I wonder to myself.....how in the world did I ever love you? I just want to know when the feelings of wanting to punch him in the face will pass lol
  • allysonb80
    allysonb80 Posts: 109 Member
    Unfortunately my legal questions aren't general but are specific to my case. And like I said, the divorce is final. We have the decree. But it is a matter how some things can be intreprited and then I had to file BK and how does that affect the accounts. Other things that are more tricky.

    I don't think my lawyer was a bad lawyer or "money hungry" that is the going rate for a divorce lawyer. She wasn't the cheapest but she also wasn't the most expensive. And I think she did a great job. Especially when he showed up to our Financial conference with a TEAM of lawyers like something out of Erin Brokavich. It was a power play used to intimidate but we held our own and I mostly got what I expected to get.
  • Alma_Sana
    Alma_Sana Posts: 453 Member
    Can I rant here a little? This has nothing to do with weightloss or the usual topics posted here. I am just so frustrated. I am through my divorce and yet I still feel like I need an attorney on retainer. Every week I have a legal question and I am so tired of it. I just want everything to be done with so we can move on. Well, done in the sence of financial and "battles". We have kids so unfortunately I have to deal with this jerk the rest of my life. But I am so tired of not know the right/legal thing to do. Even in my divorce I was guessing most of the time because if I emailed my lawyer she would charge me for the time. And I don't have $250/hour to pay every situation that comes up. And now that everything is "final" and I still have questions I can't go to her at all. Well, I could but like I said, I would have to pay. With him not paying his child support I just don't have the money. I can barely support us on what I make and even then I find myself borrowing money. I never thought he would be this person. I have learned so much about the type of person he is. It's like someone I never knew. And this was the person I MARRIED!! And it scares me to think it could be like this for the next 16 years!! :(

    OK, rant over. Thanks for "listening". You deserve a cookie. Go have one. I said so.


    It will get better. If your in a state that permits and he doesn't pay. Take him to court. If you can't afford a lawyer the state has to fight on your behalf. Im sorry you had to go through that. I hope things turn around for the better. In the mean time take care of yourself and your children. <3


    Edit: :) Love the cookie bit at the end lol
  • Elizadolots
    Elizadolots Posts: 178
    It's not the easiest thing to go through. Even if you don't love the person anymore, the dissapointment of your lack in judgement stays a little while! Do you know, you can drag this on for as long as you want, and with money and kids there might always be 'something'. But the biggest favor you can do for yourself, is to let go and let it be. Anger, frustration, fear - it's all going to hold YOU back. And your children!

    I decided the best revenge would be for me to be happy and fabulous. To put it all well and truly behind me! And I never looked back. Live now for yourself and your children, not to get even or score more points than him. Just let go of all of it. You'll be doing yourself a world of good.

    Chin up, it gets easier when you are ready to move on!

    I WANT to move on. And I am trying to. But until I get get all the financial stuff severed I have to deal with him. I would NEVER try to get him back for anything. My kids come first and to do anything like that would just hurt them.

    You're a good person! Initially I felt very vengeful towards my ex. Didn't do too much about it, but could understand why some people might!

    I walked away from all the money, because it meant not having to deal with the ex that much. Can't recommend it for everyone! The ex stayed rich and carefree, I had to move out of my house and got a bad credit rating. Still, worth it for me in many ways.

    Wishing you best of luck.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    If you're having trouble making ends meet you can try to find a Legal Aid type office. They usually have a sliding scale fee based on what you can afford. You can call your local welfare assistance office and ask them for the phone number of someone who does legal stuff for low income people. You may not be low income but it's still worth a shot.
  • amymrsr
    amymrsr Posts: 4
    just a quick bit of advice..Department of social services (I didnt look where you are) have a child support enforcement office. You go there, fill out some paperwork and they serve him. From then on, they create an account that he has to deposit the child support into or their are legal remifications for him. Takes the 'You' out of the equation since for most men its a control issue trying to still control you.

    edit-and I see that you already have this going...strength & hugs..all divorces are unique and hard. Especially when the partner involved decides to make it ugly.
  • dmoses
    dmoses Posts: 786 Member
    If you're having trouble making ends meet you can try to find a Legal Aid type office. They usually have a sliding scale fee based on what you can afford. You can call your local welfare assistance office and ask them for the phone number of someone who does legal stuff for low income people. You may not be low income but it's still worth a shot.

    Sort of along the same lines, does your work offer any kind of mental health or legal benefit? Would be worth it to check into it. I work for the local government, and my employer offers both types of assistance.

    Good luck to you. What a horrible situation to be in...
  • carriem73
    carriem73 Posts: 333 Member
    Maybe you could start a closed community group for divorcing/divorced women on MFP? They may be able to answer some of your questions- who knows, you may even get a member with some legal background.

    In any case, keep your spirits up! You have to focus on you and your kids- don't let him bring you down!

    Good luck!
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    I understand exactly how you feel. I felt like I was constantly wondering if his threats or the situation I was in was something I could do something about. I also felt like I had to have a lawyer standing by.
    I was so weak at that time that everything he said to me scared me and I wasn't sure what my rights were. He threatened to not return the children to me, not to pay child support, take them out of the country. He threatened kill me, kill himself, told me that I was stuck with this bill or that bill. Here was the kicker. He gave me child support - deducted from his check, but he forced me to return 3/4 of the money to him. I did it because he scared me. How is that for a real man? Some guy who pretends to pay child support and doesn't want to take care of his children. I did call the lawyer at first, and then I started researching on my own. I would definitely confide in other women. Please feel free to PM me with anything. I went through a lot of financial crap including cars, homes, credit card bills, etc. and it all worked out.
    I can tell you that it totally sucks knowing that you must deal with this person for many years, but it will get better. You will probably never like him but you will be able to tolerate him.
  • mrlazy1967
    mrlazy1967 Posts: 285 Member
    I know, it's a nightmare. Lawyers don't come cheap. Cost me £8k (over $12k) to sort out my child access. I got a couple of family law books and read them through, helped me get my head around things.
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,339 Member
    Have you tried filing his CS through the state? That's what I ended up having to do with my ex husband.
  • tausha_k
    tausha_k Posts: 53
    Your divorce should be on file at your county courthouse (usually its family court since there a children involved). If you call or go to their website, they may have free legal advice. BUT, It is on a first come first serve basis (hours and days may vary), and there is no attorney/ client privelages. If they have this type of service, you will have to know your case number.

    I loved in California during my divorce. I used these free services before moving out of state with my children. I know California has these free services but as far as other states, I'm not sure.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    Yep. If you want to kind of get to know a person, marry him/her. If you REALLY want to know someone, divorce him/her.
  • LavaDoll
    LavaDoll Posts: 595 Member
    it will get better.
  • twocsmom
    twocsmom Posts: 120 Member
    What state are you in?

    In Texas, it's law that the spouse responsible for child support has their wages garnished...check and see if that is the case in your state by contacting the attorney general.

    I understand your frustration...been there, done that, still dealing with it a year after the divorce is final. If I can help at all I'm more than willing...though I'm not an attorney I can offer support if nothing else. Just message me.
  • jb852013
    jb852013 Posts: 116
    So sorry you are going through this. :( We have prepaid legal where we pay $30 something a month to have a lawyer. Not sure if prepaid would work for your situation, but worth it to look into it I would think.
  • joehempel
    joehempel Posts: 1,543 Member
    Can I rant here a little? This has nothing to do with weightloss or the usual topics posted here. I am just so frustrated. I am through my divorce and yet I still feel like I need an attorney on retainer. Every week I have a legal question and I am so tired of it. I just want everything to be done with so we can move on. Well, done in the sence of financial and "battles". We have kids so unfortunately I have to deal with this jerk the rest of my life. But I am so tired of not know the right/legal thing to do. Even in my divorce I was guessing most of the time because if I emailed my lawyer she would charge me for the time. And I don't have $250/hour to pay every situation that comes up. And now that everything is "final" and I still have questions I can't go to her at all. Well, I could but like I said, I would have to pay. With him not paying his child support I just don't have the money. I can barely support us on what I make and even then I find myself borrowing money. I never thought he would be this person. I have learned so much about the type of person he is. It's like someone I never knew. And this was the person I MARRIED!! And it scares me to think it could be like this for the next 16 years!! :(

    OK, rant over. Thanks for "listening". You deserve a cookie. Go have one. I said so.

    How the hell did he get out of paying child support???

    I want his lawyer....I have to pay $150 a month, and I'M THE FULL TIME PARENT...and SHE MAKES MORE!!! I was advised that I should pay it because the law is skewed towards woman and I should suck it up because it's less than 10% of my pay...but still . WTF?
  • jnance82
    jnance82 Posts: 149
    Every Sunday when my EX comes to pick up the kids, I wonder to myself.....how in the world did I ever love you? I just want to know when the feelings of wanting to punch him in the face will pass lol



    This!!!! Except mine rarely EVER gets my kids. :grumble:


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  • jrusso28
    jrusso28 Posts: 249 Member
    It really sucks when I read posts that paint men as the *kitten* when discussing divorce issues.
    I'm a man that has been royally screwed in a divorce.

    I lost my kids, I lost my house, I lost everything I had to a woman that was cheating on me.
    She wasn't happy cause I worked too much, and was "boring" (her words) so she told me to leave.

    The courts automatically side with the woman especially if kids are involved.
    Despite my best efforts I lost everything.

    Its been years, my anger & bitterness has turned to acceptance of the sad reality.
    I try to have a relationship with my kids but its been tough to even keep in touch.
    I love my kids and miss them tremendously and that is the saddest part of it all.

    I send money twice a month as I was ordered to, she spends it with no accountability.
    I know for a fact she blows through all that money and little if any goes to my kids.

    She took the majority of the proceeds from the sale of our home, she plunked it down on a big new house.
    She had a boyfriend at the time that she thought was going to help pay the mortgage.
    She came to find out that the man was a felon, and they parted ways.
    A few years later she couldn't afford that house and filed for bankruptcy.
    So she managed to loose all that money too.

    I don't mind sending money if I knew what it was being spent on, but the law doesn't make any provisions for her to be accountable.
    The courts and the laws surrounding divorce are completely screwed up.
    Men get screwed over in divorce just as often as women do.
    The kids get screwed over 100% of the time.

    Sorry to hear your going through a nasty divorce, hope it all settles down soon for you.
  • allysonb80
    allysonb80 Posts: 109 Member
    Thank you everyone for the care and concern. And thank you to those of you who have emailed me as well. Maybe if I specify the question I have one of you may know an answer? Again, nothing to do with child support. I have that covered as much as I can with the state Support Services. (And someone asked how he got out of paying... he quit his job. He still "owes" but doesn't pay due to being "unemployed".)

    Try to stay with me here:
    So my trouble is in the divorce he was awarded a vehicle that was mostly paid off. But becuase he was also awarded a credit card account that was in my name only I was granted a security intrest in the car. He didn't pay the credit card during the divoce. And didn't make any payments after the divorce was settled last september. The papers said I could reposses the car to pay the difference after 1 payment was late. That was agreed to in July. And yet I waited until Novemeber to repo the car. By the end of November it was apparent I could not pay for the accounts I had kept, let alone the ones he was not paying. So I filed for Bankruptcy. In talking with BOTH lawyers (Divorce and BK) they agreed that I still had rights to repo the car even though the card he was supposed to pay was being writen off. In essence his non payment led me to have to file so I am still able to recoup those costs. I have been through several repo guys but since he doesn't work and his g/fs car is better/nicer he has this car parked in the garage and doesn't drive it making it nearly impossible to repo. So now I have been paying for a car I don't have (when I moed the title in my name only which I had to do to repo I had to carry insurance on the car. Not to mantion he let the insurance lapse in August) So I have been paying insurance for several months. Now the car is late for registration and has to have emissions to get it registered. I dont have the car to get the emissions plus I don't want to pay for the registration as well as the insurance I have been paying. (again, without me getting support!) I also hear the car is in need of some major work. So I am thinking about just signing the car over to him. BUT I want to be able to take him to court to try to recoup some of these costs. But if I sign the car over is it going to appear I am releasing him of liability? I wrote up a paper to have him sign (and have it notarized) that I wouldn't be agreeing to any release of liability. Would taht work if I choose to sue him over the car? fI just don't know what to do!!! Like I said, complicated!!! I need a lawyer just to ask qustions. I will handle all the legal hoops. I would only take him to small claoms anyway. But I need someone to tell me if the paper I wrote up is lagal. I need to kow how this all works? I need to know what the legal ramifications of all of this is. *sigh*
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    It really sucks when I read posts that paint men as the *kitten* when discussing divorce issues.
    I'm a man that has been royally screwed in a divorce.

    I lost my kids, I lost my house, I lost everything I had to a woman that was cheating on me.
    She wasn't happy cause I worked too much, and was "boring" (her words) so she told me to leave.

    The courts automatically side with the woman especially if kids are involved.
    Despite my best efforts I lost everything.

    Its been years, my anger & bitterness has turned to acceptance of the sad reality.
    I try to have a relationship with my kids but its been tough to even keep in touch.
    I love my kids and miss them tremendously and that is the saddest part of it all.

    I send money twice a month as I was ordered to, she spends it with no accountability.
    I know for a fact she blows through all that money and little if any goes to my kids.

    She took the majority of the proceeds from the sale of our home, she plunked it down on a big new house.
    She had a boyfriend at the time that she thought was going to help pay the mortgage.
    She came to find out that the man was a felon, and they parted ways.
    A few years later she couldn't afford that house and filed for bankruptcy.
    So she managed to loose all that money too.

    I don't mind sending money if I knew what it was being spent on, but the law doesn't make any provisions for her to be accountable.
    The courts and the laws surrounding divorce are completely screwed up.
    Men get screwed over in divorce just as often as women do.
    The kids get screwed over 100% of the time.

    Sorry to hear your going through a nasty divorce, hope it all settles down soon for you.

    I'm sorry for your sadness. You have justifiable frustrations. I do think there are far more exes who live up to the expectations to be called Dad (or Mom) than there are who don't. It's an honor to be a parent.

    To his credit, my ex has kept up his end of the bargain as far as finances are concerned. I didn't ask for child support, but he does pay half the mortgage.

    To his discredit, it took years for our children to sort out many things. Honestly, I would rather he stiffed me on the finances than toy with their emotions as much as he did. Karma is a wonderful thing ... it all worked out for me, but it took years to get to this point.

    I hope your journey has as good as ending as mine. It didn't just happen. It took lots and lots of effort. And it took me keeping my mouth shut about their father.
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