Help! Advice Needed on What to Say to This Guy Please!

Metamorphasis555
Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
edited November 2024 in Chit-Chat
Okay, here's a copy of the emails this guy sent me earlier tonight on Facebook & my responses to him:
HIM: If you ever wanna nice dinner with a great guy, let me know, Ill see if I can find a great guy for you [:)] Seriously though, find a time and let me know. Have a great weekend.

ME: That's very sweet of you to offer. Thanks J. Hope you're having a nice weekend. [:)]

HIM: I am thanks. You really can just say you are not interested. It takes a lot more then that to hurt my feelings.

I still have yet to reply to his last message. Here's the problem. I feel bad because it sounds like he maybe felt like I was rejecting him/not interested I guess because I didn't get back to him immediately with a date and time I want to go out to dinner with him?! That makes me think that might be a bit of a red flag that he maybe has a tendency to be a bit needy, insecure and/or maybe gets ticked off kinda easily? Or, maybe I'm just reading into it too much. lol

In any case, I actually am interested in him. However, I'm not at all interested in actually going out on dates with anyone until I've lost more weight. I don't necessarily need to get all the way down to my ultimate goal weight first but I'd at least like to lose SOME weight before dating again as I just don't feel at all confident about my body right now. I've had a lot of guys on Facebook and/or dating sites ask me & they seem to think I'm really attractive. HOWEVER, that's probably because I've never felt confident enough to put up full body pics of myself & so they're judging my attractiveness just by head shots of me. The head shot pics are all recent, and I can see how judging by my head shot pics they might just automatically assume that I'm much thinner than I am since my face doesn't look fat in the pics. I actually recently decided to take my dating profiles down until I lose more weight and DO feel confident about putting full body pics online. However, there are guys on Facebook that try to flirt with me/ask me out on dates (especially this one guy in particular that I wrote about up above).

Any thoughts on what to say to him? It's not like I can be like "hey I do think you're really attractive & seem really nice but I just feel too unattractive to go on a date with you and I'm worried you'll think I'm a big fat, ugly cow"! I would however like to try & keep my options with him open down the road for when I AM ready to date again. So, any ideas on the best way to handle this? Please don't say just go ahead and go out with him or these other guys, ect. because there's no way I'm going to do that until I lose a fairly significant amount of weight first. I went on a few dates with a few different guys after my ex. The first guy actually seemed super attracted to me (although I unfortunately didn't find him that attractive but we did have a few fun dates). The one other guy I went out with since my ex didn't tell me he thought I was fat or unattractive but just the way he acted on our date made it pretty obvious that he was NOT very attracted to me (sat really far away from me, didn't try to kiss me good nite) & most obvious of all was because I never heard another word from him after our date was over! That made me feel awful but I think what made it even worse is that I didn't find HIM attractive AT ALL so it was like "wow, even THIS guy thinks I'm unattractive"?! Anyways, any advice on what to say to that guy on Facebook (or other guys that might ask me out on there sometime in the near future) would be great. Thanks! :)
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Replies

  • Metamorphasis555
    Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
    If someone could please give me their input on this, I would SO appreciate it!! Thanks!
  • celeste_xo
    celeste_xo Posts: 88
    Honestly, just go for it! There's no point in going through life being worried about what everyone is going to think of you. If he likes you enough to ask you out, then obviously he finds you attractive, so stop beating yourself up and go out and have fun with the guy! :)
  • KJVBear33
    KJVBear33 Posts: 628
    I honestly think you are selling yourself short.........GO FOR IT!! You aren't fat.......you are healthy and trying to get healthier!! To me, I think more men ought to be attracted to heavier women if they are showing a willing and wanting to be at a healthy weight. Hell......even strike that........a guy ought to be attracted to women for their personalities period.
  • Metamorphasis555
    Metamorphasis555 Posts: 224
    Celeste-Thanks for your input. You said he obviously thinks I'm attractive. Yes, I guess he must seeing that he asked me out but like I mentioned before, he's only seen head shot type pics of me NOT fully body pics. My face looks pretty thin in those pics so I'm worried that he probably thinks I'm like 120 or 130 pounds when in reality I'm currently WAY heavier than that! I mean talk about an akward moment if I met up with him for a date and immediately saw a look of major disappointment in his eyes! Plus, I saw pics of his last gf on his Facebook page and she definitely looks thin & gorgeous so that didn't help because there's no way he'd find me just as attractive as his ex (based on just looks anyways).
  • GLJezebel
    GLJezebel Posts: 312 Member
    I think you should go for it. If he isn't interested in you because of your size, he is a shallow person and probably not someone who is good for you. Too much emphasis is placed on appearance when it should be about what you are inside.
  • 1996gtstang
    1996gtstang Posts: 279 Member
    just tell tim the truth, you like him and look forward to going on a date in the future but you are concentrating on yourself right now.
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    I agree with previous posters. Just go for it it will either work out or not Dating is way more than just what we look like. I dont understand why you would be on any dating sites is you have no plans to go out on any dates anytime soon. Maybe talk to him and let him know you are going through some big life changes at this time so would like to keep it casual for now and see if things develop from there. Takes the pressure off of both of you..
  • JenAiMarres
    JenAiMarres Posts: 743 Member
    First of all if u are interested in someone and they are obviously interested in you ....you should probably go on the date!!!!!!

    Ok secondly...I'm not in love with his response...because neediness is the hugest turn off on the planet...but let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he was being "funny"....

    Sooooo.....

    I would reply..."I would love to go out...what do u have in mind?"

    Whad'ya think!!??
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,850 Member
    Here's what i see - 4 lines of dialogue and then 3 paragraphs of introspection.

    That's the first issue.

    So here's a simple perspective on what should be a simple issue but for us girls... rarely is.

    If you aren't confident in yourself, you won't be able to give much to someone else. HOWEVER.... If someone else already knows you, has met you, etc, and finds you attractive the way you are... go for it! Learn how they see you and it might actually help you!

    once upon a time, an extremely attractive guy asked me out. when i say extremely, i mean jaw dropping hot. i was in no way comparable. flip through my photos - form your own opinion. the thinnest photos are where i was at that time. but i FELT massive, ugly, unappealing, etc. in fact, when i first saw him in person, i almost turned around and walked away.
    but rather than listening to the ugly voices, i met him anyway. it's been a year, and i still see this guy on occasion. it went far better than expected.
    not every experience has been like this, but it certainly CAN happen. I've had much less attractive men point blank tell me they don't find me attractive. at this point? i find it amusing. especially when someone as hot as this guy is sharing my bed. there are 6 billion people on the planet. all you need is one.
  • skygoddess86
    skygoddess86 Posts: 487 Member
    Be honest, first if you're not ready why are you on the dating sites? And no reason not to say that you are concentrating on getting in shape/losing weight before you jump in to dating. Would be rather telling to get his response to that right?
  • TiffanyDeanee
    TiffanyDeanee Posts: 158
    Well I feel that if you aren't ready to go on dates yet then don't go. I would chat him up a bit and somewhere in there ask him about his preference. Ask if he ever dated a larger girl, and if not, will he ever consider that an option. I mean there is a million and one way to show a guy that you are interested but just not ready to date yet. Plus I would want to learn a little bit more about him anyways because two sentenced and a profile pic is not enough to get me to go on a date with anyone no matter how fine lol. But please don't go on any dates until you find out some more about him. I'm sure you don't want a repeat of date #2 especially if you are attracted to the guy, you would feel even worse. HTH.
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
    Wow... there are so many levels to this. How did you end up FB friends with him if you've never met?

    I have a friend who has this problem... beautiful face, but she's heavier than she wants to be and she's always worried that guys will think she's fat. I think there are a lot of guys who don't care as much as we tend to, but there are some who are picky and it's hard to sort them out.

    I don't think his response is a red flag, though. You blew him off and he doesn't know why. He was upfront but not pissy. I think that's a positive.

    I won't tell you to go for it b/c you don't have enough info to know if that's a good idea and you don't want to end up ruining something that could be good later.

    I'd tell him that you're working on making a lifestyle change right now, changing the way you eat because you want to lose weight and that it's hard to feel comfortable going on dates right now. If he's scared away by that, you'll find someone else. You can't really know how much you're interested in him from an online relationship anyway, so if you "lose" him now, it's not as big a deal as if you had already gone out with him. If he tells you he doesn't care how much you weigh, but is supportive and offers to take you somewhere that you can get a healthy meal, it might be worth considering. He says he's a nice guy, why don't you give him a chance to prove it?

    If you think you're interested in him, you might as well be upfront and honest and see how it goes. If it fails, just cut your losses and move on, but if it works, you're starting off on a good foot.

    Oh... and I would recommend always putting casual full body shots on your profiles... even if you're not proud of how you look at the moment, you can always update as you go, and then you won't have to worry that people will be surprised when they meet you.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    I'm editing this to say I like jen's response--maybe just be totally up front about the weight thing..

    I can see where he'd think you were not interested--you said "thanks for offering." That was sorta lukewarm...

    Instead of "hey, thanks for asking, I'd like that!" or some similar response.

    If you haven't met in person, you have two options--put up a full body pic, let him see it, see if he goes forward with the asking out.

    Meet in person without him seeing your pic, see how he responds.

    Or just tell him you're not in a place to date right now but would like to get to know him better first...at least then he knows you're still interested.

    Just don't play games, it sounds like he is being sincere...and he obviously likes something about you, if he hasn't actually met you in person and is asking you out. :)
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    Be honest, first if you're not ready why are you on the dating sites? And no reason not to say that you are concentrating on getting in shape/losing weight before you jump in to dating. Would be rather telling to get his response to that right?

    She did mention it was Facebook...I have "Facebook friends" that I've gotten to know online through other friends or mutual interests, but we have not actually met in person...a little different than the dating sites... ;)
  • LiviLou2011
    LiviLou2011 Posts: 437 Member
    I would probably be thinking the same thing as you, but that is because i so sit and wayyy wayy over think things.
    I would go ahead and just go for it, if you like him and he likes you..and if he see's you and doest accept it, hes not good enough for you.
  • peaches712799
    peaches712799 Posts: 18 Member
    OK, this is really simple. Guys are not nearly as complicated as we women try to make them.

    If he asked you to dinner, it's because in all the conversations you've ever had with him (not just the one above), he's discovered something he's interested enough in to at least find out more about.

    Since you don't have pictures up, it's probably not your body.

    Go to dinner with him, see how it goes. If he's needy, shallow, or turned off by the way you look, you'll find that out. And better to find that out now before you get even more twisted over him than you already are. So what....then you had dinner.

    Perhaps he's neither needy nor shallow and may actually be a really wonderful guy. But you won't know because you didn't seize the moment.

    Carpe diem, it's just dinner. And, that's better than ever wondering "what if...."
  • Megabot
    Megabot Posts: 173 Member
    I agree with photogrl above: You effectively said "thanks but no. " already. And, to boot, he is basically pleading to go out with you, even though you already said no.

    He won't be there when you finally decide you're "good enough." He's not a pair of jeans you can leave in a drawer, and put on when you finally lose the weight. He's a person. So give him the respect you would want, and allow *him* to make his choices about you. You seem to be judging yourself harshly FOR him. Why do that to yourself?!

    You need to just roll with your life, and let yourself enjoy it. And that includes letting other people enjoy your company!
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
    That response is a red flag and does make him sound insecure, but it is extremely difficult to tell who someone is via a few emails. You would find out very shortly who he really is after a few dates. I understand not wanting to date until after you feel 100% confident, but maybe going out would actually help you feel better and realize you are still attractive.
  • nanodot
    nanodot Posts: 154 Member
    I don't think it was a red flag. You gave him a vague No, and he asked to be let off the hook.

    The right person does not always come along when you are ready, or when it is convenient. Have faith in yourself that you can manage your health, and date a possibly great guy, at the same time.
  • YennaBean
    YennaBean Posts: 77 Member
    I agree with Peaches!

    He obviously wants to go on a date! Guys have weird ways of showing their feelings.. but I think you should go for it! Even if you have doubts, it can't hurt. It's better to go and find out something rather than to not go and never know. Lol I don't know if that makes sense...
  • LatinaGordita
    LatinaGordita Posts: 377 Member
    ^^^
    This
  • Julzanne72
    Julzanne72 Posts: 468 Member
    I will say this...I was on a dating site, met my boyfriend, we fell in love, and he fell in love with me, for me, not for my weight, when I started this journey in January, he said pretty much that exact thing...He is VERY supportive of me losing weight, when he cooks, makes lowfat meals and keeps all packaging so I can count my calories, but he told me, "When I met you I thought you were beautiful just the way you are, and fell in love with you, but if you want to do this I will support you in any way I can".....It's not about your weight, if they guy really is interested in you, for YOU, and you are interested in him, take a chance...you don't know what you may be missing.....I am so glad I did!
  • SteveHunt113
    SteveHunt113 Posts: 648 Member
    Seriously, we men are are not complicated like that. I'm thinking it took him a lot of nerve to send the email, and he was waiting expectantly for a reply. When the reply came, there was no date/time and he felt crushed. To "protect" himself, he sent a follow up that gave you an easy out.

    Reminds me of the joke about the couple that went on a date. From the woman's perspective, it was a disaster. From the man's perspective, it was perfect. The moral of the joke was that the woman read way more into things than the man did.
  • Megabot
    Megabot Posts: 173 Member
    I also disagree with the people saying it's a red flag. He doesn't sound needy at all. He sounds like a dude that's interested in you.
    How do I know this? Well, I'm 31, and I've dated a bunch of dudes. They just ask, when they like you. If he seems "elusive" or "hard to read" then he's NOT that into you.

    He's actually interested, tell him you like him too!!!
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    He seems charming... What's the worst that could happen? You go on one date with the guy and find that one or neither of you is interested in more.
  • wittlelacey
    wittlelacey Posts: 391 Member
    It's not everyday that a guy who has mutual feelings for you openly admits it. That took a lot of nerve and let's be honest, no one likes to wait around for someone (to feel ready). Be impulsive, just say yes :) If he's a good guy, he won't judge you on your body and if he likes you for who you are, your body shouldn't matter as much as society makes it out to be. If you're still feeling insecure just tell him you want to take it slow. You can have a cute, innocent relationship and not jump straight into anything serious or intimate. That will give you some time. But you've really decided to hold off, tell him you need some time for yourself. As much as it sucks to wait, if he cares enough he will be there when your confidence is restored :) I personally think you should allow yourself to date. Best of luck, xoxo
  • rae_84
    rae_84 Posts: 40 Member
    I don't think you should pass up the opportunity to go on a date with someone who you are interested in. If you are really concerned, maybe set the date up for a week. Work out hard this week to get some confidence and then rock your date!
  • Elleinnz
    Elleinnz Posts: 1,661 Member
    I can understand your feelings - I am just starting to get interest from guys again - and not quite sure how to handle it either....BUT I really think you might lose out if you stall meeting this guy too long.....

    Really in the end of the day it is about more than your weight, and I think you need to be honest with him that you are making some changes to your life, and that you are on a health and fitness journey - but not quite there yet.... in any case that is what I do - I am honest that I have lost a lot of weight - but still have a bit to go tho where I am happy....

    Part of why I say that is that it is very important to me that any guy I meet need to be interested in a healthy active life as well - so it is one of the things I want to know about before I even meet the person in real life...

    Start being honest with the guy about who you are - and the journey you are on, and you might be pleasantly surprised how he is going to react...

    Good luck
  • bcc112986
    bcc112986 Posts: 362 Member
    He may be a little insecure or maybe just impatient with a response like that.

    Honestly, I think you should be true to yourself. If you would be more comfortable dating in the future when you have lost more weight, you should do that. Tell him right now is not a good time to date but maybe he wouldn't mind messaging you or talking until you are ready for a date.

    Love yourself first and everyone else second. :)
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    Honestly, the way he worded his message is weird. Like he wanted to set you up but then switched and was like "oh date me." That's kinda weird.
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