Parents calling their kids fat

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Replies

  • VeganPanda
    VeganPanda Posts: 582 Member
    You wear 25 inch jeans and your mom calls you fat? I would probably pull her aside and tell her how much her words hurt you. If my mom ever does that, I tell her to stop. She has now stopped. I also don't wear such a small size so she used to have a place to say that, but not anymore. I would just be up front, and you are super tiny so it's not even relevant.
  • rob_v
    rob_v Posts: 270 Member
    The smart *kitten* response would be - yea, I may be a bit fat - but your ugly and I can diet.
  • justle
    justle Posts: 275 Member
    My mum told me lots that i was fat tbh i think in hindsight it was for the best because if she haddn't i probably would've gone on thinking i wasnt fat and that i was ok.

    now i'm very grateful for her - even though i didnt feel it was helpful at the time i now believe for me, it was, it's obviously had the desired effect and now she's always telling me how proud she is of what i've achieved and how amazing i look and how glad she is that i claimed my body and life back.
  • esperluette
    esperluette Posts: 20
    I realize the dynamics of Asian cultures, but like I've posted, when she's the only one saying it and my aunts and uncles are stepping in and telling her I'm not fat, I think that it may be more of it being her own negative intention. That's how I see it. And from other posters, there are other "non-cultural" parents out there who are putting their kids down too.
  • Savyna
    Savyna Posts: 789 Member
    when I was younger my mom used to do the same thing and people I dont even know would say oh you look like you've gained weight, oh you look fatter (and then compared me with my younger sister who's skinnier than me). I don't think people realize how upsetting this can be to people (girls and boys alike). I remember one time when I was 12 my younger sister called me a fat *kitten*. I was generally bigger than all the people in my class. My puberty started when I was really young so it was hard adjusting to this new body of womanly things and my mind was still a child's, I would eat to cover up my feelings. But anyways here I am at 21 and I feel more comfortable with my own body, the only thing I can tell you is that if you told your mom already that the stuff she's saying upsets you and she still continues to say it then maybe you need to tell her that she isn't welcomed around your home or whatever/you wont show up to any functions where she'll be. I think especially since she's doing this around your family its as if she wants to show that you aren't the dominant person or whatever that she is and that she has to power to say whatever she wants even if it is in front of your family, that puts her own daughter in an embarrassing situation. That would be my suggestion that and knowing within yourself that if you're fitting into some of your smaller jeans and you've taken your health into your hands and are doing better than know that you are doing great and you don't need your mother to validate that.
    I was just thinking, is your mom big? Maybe she's subconsciously jealous of you, you're doing your thing and getting healthier and she's still looking the same or something. Who really knows.
  • ChristineW82
    ChristineW82 Posts: 116 Member
    I was called fat a few times by my parents. It totally crushed me too. Neither one of them ever had room to talk. I believe there is a fine line between helping your children stay healthy and degrading them.

    I get so upset when my husband even tells our youngest (4 years old) that she is getting too chubby. I do everything I can to help our 4 children eat healthy and stay active. I believe they will grow up with good concepts and keep a healthy life style.
  • kristarablue
    kristarablue Posts: 702 Member
    Well first, you may have to have a heart to heart with mom and explain that you are working very hard and it hurts your feelings when she calles you fat and you would like her stop such things. Try to make it about your feelings and not that she is beening hurtful, mean, cruel and a bully. However if you need to pull out all the stops for her to stop such behavior go for it. But try to keep it as constructive as possible.

    My parents have never called me fat, however I have been on diet after diet since about the age of 5, see I was always a fat kid. The problem is, is that I knew I was on a diet and it was talked about therefore I was not good enough. They did not get me into sports or encourage daily exercise, but put me on a diet instead. I swore I would never do that to my children, if they needed to lower their BMI, then I would just change what was in the house, educate them on nutrition and incorporate exercise in their daily lives. I have read studies that show children that are continually put on diets typically become obese adults and please don't ask me to site the info, I have read it just don't remember where..

    Hey sorry she did that to you...talk to her, if all else fails know that you are doing amazing and we are so very proud of you
  • nitka653
    nitka653 Posts: 97 Member
    I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.
    There's a difference between encouraging your child to be active and eat healthy and calling them fat. Kids are mentally fairly fragile, and hearing something like that come from their parents (when they're most likely already dealing with bullies at school) is beyond bad.

    Right On Island Jumper!!!

    I've read numerous of theses posts by now and of course there are many sides to this issue as there are to all issues. However, I don't care what the reasoning behind it is, a parent should NEVER NEVER EVER use negative reinforcement to try and teach their child. Its Abuse, there is no other way to describe it (I'm sorry if I'm pushing anyone's buttons, but believe me, I've been there done that and lived through it -- barely). Verbal abuse is as bad and can be worse than physical abuse!

    Look at what happens to a dog when negative reinforcement is used in training, it becomes vicious! 'Nuf said!

    And to the original poster... I'll leave you with this one thought... My ultimate goal is to get to around a 25 inch waist. One of America's sex icons of all time, Marilyn Monroe had a waist between 23 & 24 (as recorded by her dressmaker from what I can glean on google). I don't think you should hate your mom for this, but you should let her know how much it hurts, unless she's just a plain *****, she does care how you feel and may work towards changing how she says things.
  • tashaa1992
    tashaa1992 Posts: 658 Member
    I've never been called it by anyone, but my step dad used to call my little sister it. She's ten now, but at the time she was almost nine. It hurt me so much, I love her she is beautiful however she looks, I will protect her from everything, it's my job as her big sister. She was diagnosed with anorexia shortly after and I still don't know whether she was triggered by his comments or my anorexia. I know children imitate those around them, and I know having an eating disorder is an illness but I feel responsible for it. I'm in recovery and so is she, she is doing really well somedays and others it's just straight back to square one, but she knows she can talk to me about it. We regularly have little chats about how we're really feeling, I think it's important she knows I'm here for her. She's so young and I don't want her childhood ruined because of anorexia too. On fridays I take her to school so I make sure I eat breakfast with everyone else too. I also eat breakfast with my family on a saturday and sunday too. I want her to be happy, I want my little sister back:(
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    Your mom has self esteem issues and by putting you down it makes her feel better. IGNORE. You are beautiful.
  • nitka653
    nitka653 Posts: 97 Member
    You bring up an interesting point, and yes, she was raised elsewhere, but her comments have gotten so out of hand that even my aunts and uncles have to cut her off and say that I'm not fat. So while it may be partially cultural, I feel that it has gotten beyond that point and is more about intentionally damaging my feelings.

    I didn't read your responses before posting. So maybe telling her it hurts isn't going to hurt. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge our loved one's aren't healthy themselves and move on. My mom's bi-polar and has been a recreational drug user in the past -- I finally had to tell her I wasn't going to associate with her at all because of her behavior. It was about 3 years before we spoke again (we live less than 10 miles apart). It hurt really bad to break that relationship myself, but it gave me time to heal myself emotionally so that I can deal with her now. I only tell you this to point out that although painful, these comments really aren't about you, but about something that causes her pain. By in turn causing you pain, she distracts herself from her own.
  • emfilomena
    emfilomena Posts: 120
    I dealt with this issue on a severe note.. As a little kid, I will admit I was chubby. But to be verbally attacked on a daily basis by my then-step dad about how fat I was, that I'm gaining weight, making pig noises, asking why I'm eating that, etc. pushed me closer and closer into disordered eating patterns. Food would be taken away from me, or then it would be shoved in my face- I didn't know how to react. I became ashamed, lost of a lot of self-worth, felt bad about food in general. I stopped eating around the family, I would hide food in my room- it got outrageous. Too many humiliating memories to count in my head, plus I was dealing with abuse in other areas of my life. I was 8 when this all started, and it eventually turned into an ED. I'm still struggling to try and overcome my problems with eating.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's absolutely horrible. No parent should ever call their kid fat, especially when they are the ones buying fast food, processed crap, etc. You should try to have a sit-down with your mom and talk it out. If she fails to see why this hurt you so much, perhaps you need to be more stern and sever seeing her as much. Tell her, "I can't deal with your negativity and verbal attacks on my body. This is my body, I'm working on bettering it, and if you can't see that and stop, I refuse to put myself in that situation any longer."

    If you need support, I'm here!!
  • nitka653
    nitka653 Posts: 97 Member
    I've never been called it by anyone, but my step dad used to call my little sister it. She's ten now, but at the time she was almost nine. It hurt me so much, I love her she is beautiful however she looks, I will protect her from everything, it's my job as her big sister. She was diagnosed with anorexia shortly after and I still don't know whether she was triggered by his comments or my anorexia. I know children imitate those around them, and I know having an eating disorder is an illness but I feel responsible for it. I'm in recovery and so is she, she is doing really well somedays and others it's just straight back to square one, but she knows she can talk to me about it. We regularly have little chats about how we're really feeling, I think it's important she knows I'm here for her. She's so young and I don't want her childhood ruined because of anorexia too. On fridays I take her to school so I make sure I eat breakfast with everyone else too. I also eat breakfast with my family on a saturday and sunday too. I want her to be happy, I want my little sister back:(

    Pink Princess: I always wanted a big sister like you!!! You ROCK! Just keep letting her know someone loves her and she will survive. Sometimes there is still damage, but life happens. Your love and support will help establish tools to help her survive her childhood in the long run!
  • emfilomena
    emfilomena Posts: 120
    Can't the kids in school taunting them create eating disorders as well?

    It definitely added to why I developed an ED. Personally, being attacked for my body weight at such a young age by a family member, I think, was more of a contributing factor. You can't escape it when it's in your household and you have no idea how to react to it.
  • cball3394
    cball3394 Posts: 19
    My mom has always been a little bigger too, but she always would make comments about my weight in every day conversation. Things like "your not fat your just like normal" or "if you wouldn't eat this" or "you say you want to loose weight but you aren't doing this right". But yet she never did any of it herself so it was like how can you tell me how to be? Now that she has gotten gastric bypass and is just a little bigger than me and can fit into some of my old clothes she constantly is reminding me of how shes almost the size I am and how basically she cant wait to be skinnier then me. I swear its a constant. But its not just that she always picks on something about me, if she doesn't like what I'm wearing or if my makeup is not what she wants. I don't think she realizes it but it really hurts my feelings and makes my self-esteem even lower. When or if I have kids I would always be positive towards them. I think that if I could pick one person who dogs on me more than myself it would be my own mother.
  • Jellyphant
    Jellyphant Posts: 1,400 Member
    My mom pretty much effed up my self esteem throughout my whole childhood. A few weeks ago actually, my family watched a home video of my brother and I at the beach with my mom holding the video camera. All you can hear in the background is, "Angie, suck in your stomach! Angie, you look so big in those shorts! Angie, your fat is showing!" Gee, thanks mom. I love her to death and hate to point fingers but the fact is clear as day. I'm so grateful that she came to me the next day and apologized to me for telling me those things all my childhood. She's an amazing momma, she's just asian. And asians can be disgustingly blunt. Ugh.
  • Erindipitous
    Erindipitous Posts: 1,234 Member
    I also believe that if a child is under the age of 4-6 (when they start controlling most of their eating) is overweight it is ENTIRELY the parents fault, and should be considered a form of child abuse.

    Thank you!!
  • Michelle650
    Michelle650 Posts: 218
    I think what your mother is saying to you is cold hearted and cruel! BUT, I do wish my mom told me how "fat" I was when I was younger! I knew I was bigger than my friends, but my mom just kept saying I was 'big boned.' Instead of telling me to lose weight she kept saying I just need to 'tone up'. I just wish I was told I was a heffer and maybe it would have been the kick up the *kitten* I needed to lose weigh in the first place!
  • HeidiRene
    HeidiRene Posts: 335 Member
    Forward this feed to her and ask her to read........I'm sure in her head she feels she is helping in some way.

    Great idea!
  • moonlightturk
    moonlightturk Posts: 398
    The smart *kitten* response would be - yea, I may be a bit fat - but your ugly and I can diet.


    Perfect
  • eatmeingo
    eatmeingo Posts: 134
    It's not so much my mom, but my brothers and my grandmother. I know the brothers thing shouldn't be anything to worry about but it still hurts. And I can't tell off my grandparents because it's disrespectful. /: It really really sucks. You should never tell someone you love they're fat just to motivate them. Yes, if their weight is risking their health, calmly tell them that you're worried and that you don't want to lose them but don't just be like "hey honey you're super fat, better do something about it." Because that's completely counter productive.
  • yluuuu
    yluuuu Posts: 21 Member
    If you're Asian, then expect it not only from parents but from relatives and even other "older" Asians who see you alot. Asians don't think of it as a personal attack, it's just a cultural thing that I've noticed we do.
    All I can tell you is not to think of it a personal. My aunt, who hadn't seen me in 10 years, commented I'm looking fatter to her. In reality, I haven't changed weight (I stay within 10-12lbs) consistently, so though she may have seen me slightly bigger, her comment wasn't taken personally.
    Keep your chin up. I know that it can hurt sometimes, but trying to change years of cultural habits will drive you up the wall and distract you from you reaching the goals your trying to achieve in life.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    THIS! The first thing I hear from relatives is usually about me putting on/losing weight even if I haven't changed at all. It's been like this all my life so I'm finally trying to get back in shape in hopes they'll stop.
  • monharri
    monharri Posts: 78
    my mother used to do the same thing in terms of establishing some really bad eating patterns for me when i was a child. one big thing she used to do was shove food in my face (mostly McDonalds/pizza/sweets) anytime i was feeling down--and lo and behold, i picked up on the pattern and became an emotional eater. now and days she's better, but i'm still a bit guarded around her when it comes to talking about food, depression, my emotions, and weight. i know that she means well, but i had to learn not to try to seek her approval or advice, because it didn't get me anywhere when i was younger and it's not going to get me anywhere now. i had to learn to just really dig deep about what I wanted to accomplish, and what I viewed as success, and do my research on my own. now anytime she starts on my weight/emotional eating i tell her to back off in a forceful tone (something i used to not be comfortable doing) and after a few times she got the picture. i just had to be a little mean with moms but it worked and i think we're both better for it because we now have some healthy boundaries.
  • divainsneakers
    divainsneakers Posts: 397 Member
    Both my mother and my father used to make comments. My father especially. The irony was both of them were overweight. I came to realize that their comments were more about what they felt about themselves and had little to do with me. Naturally the words hurt, and hindered me for a long time, but in realizing that their comments were about them and not me was very freeing. -- Also in my case the comments tended to be more frequent when I was losing weight. My diagnosis: jealousy. -- Stay strong.
  • Faye_Anderson
    Faye_Anderson Posts: 1,495 Member
    I also believe that if a child is under the age of 4-6 (when they start controlling most of their eating) is overweight it is ENTIRELY the parents fault, and should be considered a form of child abuse.

    Really? In every case? My nephew was 9lb 14 when he was born, my sister is 5ft tall and in the normal weight range and eats a healthy diet, my nephew was EXCLUSIVELY breast fed until he was 6 months old and when he went for his check up the nurse said he was overweight, how is this child abuse?

    Maybe think before you post?
  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
    Both my mother and my father used to make comments. My father especially. The irony was both of them were overweight. I came to realize that their comments were more about what they felt about themselves and had little to do with me. Naturally the words hurt, and hindered me for a long time, but in realizing that their comments were about them and not me was very freeing. -- Also in my case the comments tended to be more frequent when I was losing weight. My diagnosis: jealousy. -- Stay strong.

    ^Yes.

    My mom used to comment on my weight all the time, finally when i was about 21-22 (and i was about a size 8)we were driving in the car and she made a comment about her friends weight and i said to her she should stop concerning herself with MY weight or anyone else's weight, that she is unhappy with herself and she should deal with that if she would like to have any sort of healthy relationship with me.
  • 30yearssincebikini
    30yearssincebikini Posts: 261
    Although I was not fat growing up, I was sort of plain. My hair was kept short (my mom's idea-I looked like a boy) while all three of my sisters were allowed to grow long luscious hair, which was popular in the 70's, when I grew up. My one sister always had amazing face/features/body/hair and was the most popular girl in school and was voted homecoming queen. For years and years, even recently at reunions/holidays, my mother makes some sort of reference to her beauty, saying she takes after her grandmother (my mother's mother). She never once has said anything about the rest of us, especially not me, the plainest one of all. I am the only one that struggles with weight and she has often said that I am plump, but in a matter of fact way, not in an insulting way. But still, I take it that way.

    Parents really don't get how much it can affect their kids. BTW, my beautiful sis is still beautiful and skinny even after having three kids! And she is not stuck up at all. In fact, she says that the comments that my mom makes are awful, and make her very uncomfortable. (The ones about how beautiful she is).

    Whether it is about weight or hair or anything at all, parents should be sensitive to all their kids feelings.
  • jkleon86
    jkleon86 Posts: 245 Member
    I work in the kitchen at a grade school. We are suppost to be fixing healthies things thanks to the prezz's wife stuff is either greasey or taste whole grain nasty and the kids pitch it. We had a 4th grader last year so big he couldn't hardly breath when he walked very far, His parents brought his lunch every day, a medium pizza which he ate every bite. Some joked that his parents must have a nice insurence policy on him. It was sad really though I don't understand why children services didn't get involved. It was truely child abuse in my book anyway.
  • flutternfly
    flutternfly Posts: 123
    This topic makes me angry! :mad:

    I love this advise and think that you should forward this thread to your mom too. Maybe she can see the damage that she and other parents and relatives have caused. Unlike a cut or a scrap on your body, these emotional wounds can take a long time to heal and they cause more problems in many parts of your life. Watch your words!! Your mom needs a serious time out, perhaps some charms school could help.

    I've struggled with weight issues most of my life. I remember comments as young as 6 or 7 years old from relatives that used poor word choices. As a 10 year old, I picked out a pattern that was marked "chubby" and my mom said "you're not chubby. Chubby patterns are for fat kids. You're not fat." I had chubby cheeks so I thought that meant I was chubby. I have managed to have periods where I was thin but I still fought with myself about body image.

    I go through the roof when I hear parents making comments about their kids being fat (when most are healthy and the parents are too skinny). I've told some friends when I catch them doing it that they need to start a Therapy Fund in addition to their Education Fund for their children if that's how they are treating them.

    One year at Christmas when I'd gained some weight, I called my mom and told her I wouldn't come home if Grandma was going to be on me about my weight. I shouldn't feel stressed in a place I love because insensitive relatives are passing judgement on my weight. My mom did talk to my Grandma and she did pretty well until near the end of the holiday when she just couldn't help herself and ask what I was eating. I guess that was her "subtle" way of not doing what I specifically asked. My Grandma passed nearly 14 years ago, but it still hurts me that she would have done that to me and sadly, that wasn't a isolated incident.

    That is very unhealthy for you and perhaps you need to address distancing yourself from your mom for a while until you are strong enough and feel confident about yourself. You need supportive people around, not people who are critical and make you feel bad.

    Hang in there and remember you are doing your best!
  • samhelen
    samhelen Posts: 98
    I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.
    There's a difference between encouraging your child to be active and eat healthy and calling them fat. Kids are mentally fairly fragile, and hearing something like that come from their parents (when they're most likely already dealing with bullies at school) is beyond bad.
    ^^ What she said -- there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a child's physical health and it all depends on the age of the child and their general emotional state -- It isn't sugar coating something when you approach it with the delicate sensitivity that's needed when dealing with YOUR child. I should hope each mother or father knows and loves their little girl or little boy well enough to address the issue without crushing and/or emotionally scaring them for years to come. If you as a grown-up can have your feelings hurt by someone's blunt thoughtlessness when you're emotional and intellectually equipped to deal with it in an adult and rational way, imagine how a child or adolescent that is still developing their cognitive and emotional skills will be able to handle it? Parents should be the support network that lifts a child up when it feels like the rest of the world is trying to push them down -- thankfully, I had and continue to have those kinds of parents that have loved me no matter what size I am and support me in all my endeavors no matter how looney they may think they are.
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