Parents calling their kids fat
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I think this is always going to be one of thous things that people are never really sure how to handle. My mum rest her spirit died four almost five years ago now from cancer and I have always been big my whole life one thing that haunts me even now and to be honest this is the first time I have ever told anyone this, is that one day while my mum was still well enough to be home and up and about quite a bit but she was very well aware she would not survive the cancer I was asleep on the couch(sofa) near her and my older sister I dont think they realised I was pretty much awake and they were talking about things that my mum was still worried about one of the things I overheard was my mum saying how much she worried that my weight was her fault and that it might end my life early, it has been playing on my mind alot over the last few years and I do wish maybe my mum had not been so scared of upsetting me and brought up her worrys. I finally feel ready to start my fight against my weight problem and I know my mum will be there every step on the way .
just remember sometimes when people say things like "you look like you have put on weight" it sometimes is just them worrying about you0 -
It is not easy to answer that question properly. On the one hand parents should tell their children when they are getting fat, on the other hands are parents usually the last people where a child with weight issues can find their peace.0
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No child should be told they are FAT by their family, I know many believe that we need to stop being so pc but the emotional damage from being called names by the people whom feed you , clothe you and love you is just wrong. It's one thing for a stranger or kids to call someone names but to have it at home as well...that is not okay. Yes, have a talk about eating healthier and getting outside playing more . You can explain it in a way that doesn't have to be demoralizing.I work in the kitchen at a grade school. We are suppost to be fixing healthies things thanks to the prezz's wife stuff is either greasey or taste whole grain nasty and the kids pitch it. We had a 4th grader last year so big he couldn't hardly breath when he walked very far, His parents brought his lunch every day, a medium pizza which he ate every bite. Some joked that his parents must have a nice insurence policy on him. It was sad really though I don't understand why children services didn't get involved. It was truely child abuse in my book anyway.
Wow ....now that is sad and it is abuse. I have an friend of a friend whom I see alot and her little girl is maybe 6 , wears a size 12/14 clothes and weighing probably 100-110 pounds. It's sad because this little girl out ate me, my bff and my bff husband which although my bff hubby is skinny the man can eat alot . Her mother laughed encouraging her to eat more as if she was proud.0 -
Hahahaha awww that's so sweet, thanks hun! We're both getting professional help but I know I feel alot of the time they just don't understand. Yes they've studied it but have they actually experienced it? Nope, but that's why I'm making sure I'm always available whenever she needs anything. I know she can get through this, she may be little but she is the strongest little girl I have ever seen. I won't ever let her down! Hope you're well too sweetie..I've never been called it by anyone, but my step dad used to call my little sister it. She's ten now, but at the time she was almost nine. It hurt me so much, I love her she is beautiful however she looks, I will protect her from everything, it's my job as her big sister. She was diagnosed with anorexia shortly after and I still don't know whether she was triggered by his comments or my anorexia. I know children imitate those around them, and I know having an eating disorder is an illness but I feel responsible for it. I'm in recovery and so is she, she is doing really well somedays and others it's just straight back to square one, but she knows she can talk to me about it. We regularly have little chats about how we're really feeling, I think it's important she knows I'm here for her. She's so young and I don't want her childhood ruined because of anorexia too. On fridays I take her to school so I make sure I eat breakfast with everyone else too. I also eat breakfast with my family on a saturday and sunday too. I want her to be happy, I want my little sister back:(
Pink Princess: I always wanted a big sister like you!!! You ROCK! Just keep letting her know someone loves her and she will survive. Sometimes there is still damage, but life happens. Your love and support will help establish tools to help her survive her childhood in the long run!
Tasha
xxx0 -
I think keeping it real is good. I would rather have someone that loves me tell me how disgustingly obese I am, than have to hear it from a stranger. I find it motivational. On top of that, the people who see you on a regular basis are less likely to "see" a slowly increasing waist line, so when they tell you that you're fat, then you are probably pretty big. That being said, I don't think your parents have the place to call you fat if they were constantly feeding you McDee's.0
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My mom has told me I was fat and stuff like that before. Honestly she means well and I love her so I just use it as motivation to drop the extra bf. Although she was always wanting me to finish my plates of food when I was a kid so there were times I forced myself to eat so I would not get into trouble. I kind of understand she is old school and just passing down what she learned from her parents that had to deal with the hard econmic depression times. No food back in those bad economic times. So back then you ate all your food probably because you didnt know when you were going to eat next. Does it bother me when she says stuff like that..? Kind of but I dont let it get me down I just know she means well and she thinks I can be better and maybe I am just not seeing it for my self that I can do better. Thats why I use it as motivation.0
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Even when I was fat, my Mum never called me anything but beautiful. It's one of the things I am the most grateful for to her.
This. I still remember once my mom had a friend over who commented on my weight loss and said some things that were sort of insulting (I wasn't in the room, but I could hear everything being said). My mom got pretty upset--I still remember her saying "She was perfect when she gained weight and she's perfect now that she's lost weight!"0 -
I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.
That isn't the point. Of COURSE you should help your child. But not by psychologically breaking them down. That's how you create eating disorders.
Can't the kids in school taunting them create eating disorders as well?
The kids in school taunting them is one of the most common reasons for creating an eating disorder in a person.0 -
The smart *kitten* response would be - yea, I may be a bit fat - but your ugly and I can diet.
That is the sort of response that I would never use to my mum, I don't know about anybody else......0 -
I am not a parent, and donot want to be parent (ever) however, from a parents PoV, its a damn if you do and damn if you dont. My parents have made comments but at the same time they said it with love and I looked past their comments and saw their actual concern. Yes, they wanted us to look good. Yes, they were worried about our health and yes, they still fed us that delicious, yet fattening food.
Yet despite all their comments, I know they just didnt knew better how to say it. Also, I'm sure they didnt realized that it hurt us. I love my parents and they've made alot of mistakes and my father still does (mom passed away) but telling me that I'm fat in a way that assures me that they still love me isnt one of those mistakes.
Ofcourse, if they really wanted to help in a positive way, they woulda fed me food that was good for us while making us more involved in sports and maybe take us kids to more physical activities. You know, the whole lead by example thing. But once again, they just didnt knew better and I am thankful that they still managed to give me a wonderful childhood with good memories. So...thankyou mom and dad!0 -
Oh yea my dad was a wrestler at 112 lbs in college. He is still very lean at 150 and strong. In high school he would grab my tummy and say "love some cheesecake?"
And I was unhappy with myself. I lost the weight and used those negative comments to push myself. I still do it all the time. I think "I want to keep up with my dad, im going to show him how much I have improved" We have a stronger relationship than any of my brothers now. We are doing Tough Mudder together next year.
Dad taught me to work hard for what I wanted, and that he isn't going to sugar coat things. Sure ate the time it hurt, but I have improved myself and he was a lot of motivation
Actually if it wasn't for him I probably never would have been as interested in nutrition and exercise. Now I am working on my dietetics degree and learning as much as I can.0 -
i experience the same thing about my weight with my dad. I remember going shopping with him and i would want a shirt or pants and he would say in front of EVERYONE your too fat to look nice in it and then would compare me with my cousins who were because of sticks
I was always put down how no man would marry me because of my weight and well the list can go on as you can imagine. but then of course my dad was an enabler..he would be the one buying me all the junk and then complain why i was getting fat. anyhow, now i am a mom and been trying to get with the program to at least teach my kids to eat halthier and not have issues with their weight. but i think as long as i remind my kids that no matter how big or small they are i will love them no matter what. whatever makes them happy im there to support and not put down. i really dont want my kids to grow up with the same insecurities that i grew up with. so im trying to make an example of myself by becoming healthier and in hopes they will pick it up with me 0 -
I call my little brother (16) fat when I go home. He likes to know the truth. Then he tells me when my hair looks too ugly to go out of the house :P Maybe my family is just thick skinned0
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There is no reason in telling a kid they are fat. if a kid is fat its most likely the parents own doing since they are the ones who feed the kids. I honestly think parents who go out of their way to let their kids know they are fat are on purposely insulting them because they know its their f-up and they don't want to face their responsibility so then the blame is shift to the kid.0
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My mother has always called me fat through-out my chjildhood and teenage years. I was always the 'fat squashy one' and my elder sister is the 'thin bony one'. I don't remember i time when i didn't hate how fat i apparently was.
she stopped calling me fat when i became bulimic and denys she ever did which i find very hurtful. Even now, when i can't be very much bigger than my sister she is still much smaller in my mum's eyes.
I think parents don't realise how they can effect their children.
I think most people do not realize the hurtfulness of their words. I am however a parent to 4 children and they all have very different body types thus different styles of clothing are more flattering on one child than the next etc. It is a really difficult thing to try to teach your children healthy attitudes and habits and how to dress themselves in a way that will help them feel good about themselves etc. My mom struggled with her weight my whole life and she was wonderful with me but I still had body image issues. I am working my tail off to try to teach my girls how to be healthy, understand healthy foods, treats, exercise etc without ever letting them think themselves fat. I do not always do it right. I hurt my daughters feelings recently when I pointed out a dress she was trying on was not as flattering as another. Some of the stories in this thread are horrible and those mom's were way off but I bet even more of the poor choices were made by moms who were doing their best...I am sorry they might not recognize now the hurtfulness of their actions and words, and I recognize that not admitting it or changing it is even more hurtful than the original offense but give those parents the benefit of letting them know how their actions make you feel and give them a chance to respond etc....0 -
The truth: you can't change your parents. You can't. If she already knows it upsets you, and does it anyway, then I'm not sure talking to her "even more" will help. Making you upset doesn't seem to be something she's concerned about. Its probably her goal...thinking that shame will motivate you.
The good thing is that she lives in another state. So...you can minimize the amount of contact you have with her.
My only advice would be that if it becomes really important to you to make the few times you do have to interact with her better...flip the script. As we grow up with our families, we get involved with certain "scripts" with our parents. She says something to push your button...you get your button pushed and react in some way--the same way, every time--even if its just to feel bad. And its really hard to change...for both sides.
But what if you reacted differently? What if you said something funny? Made fun of her grey hair (not in a mean way...I assume you want to remain respectful..but in a funny way). Or turned to the "audience" in front of which you usually get embarrassed and "spoke into the camera" and said something like "yeah, now you know why I stress eat" or something that turns the attention onto her behavior rather than on your feelings. Sometimes "changing the script" is enough to get the other person to change their behavior. But even if it doesn't, you will have changed your part of the script, and you will feel more, rather than less empowered.
She may never change. The only thing you can do is to try to change the way in which you deal with her.0 -
When I was younger, my mom harped on me about my weight to the point that it created a severe emotional-eating issue. I know now as an adult that it was coming from a place of love not hatred, but it still hurt. When I became an adult (prior to my weight loss and therapy), it got worse because I got fatter. After I decided to lose weight for myself and no one else and got therapy to deal with the emotional eating, I explained to my mom how hurtful it was and why I had an emotional eating issue. It was a difficult conversation with lots of tears, and her being hurt. I made sure she understood that I have no hard feelings, but that she needed to know so she quit pulling that crap with my daughter. She is really good now about being a supportive cheerleader instead of harping. In fact, since she ended up putting on some weight herself, I am now her motivation and cheerleader. A few times she slipped with my daughter, and I made sure she understood that was not tolerated.
Now from the mother-side, my daughter is overweight because of poor parenting on my part. I just wasn't paying attention to teaching her good nutrition, and I let her eat whatever. Part of it also comes from my ex-husband who didn't work (while I worked 80+ hours a week to support us...damned lazy *kitten*) was the one who always prepared the meals for two years. That was 3 years ago now, but the go-to staple was ramen noodles and hot dogs.
I am now teaching her to eat healthy, be active, and have fun losing weight without talking about being "fat". We have addressed the weight problem, and the health issues associated with being overweight. She is 11 so she understands and we work at this together. She has now lost 18 lbs since the beginning of the year just by watching intake and being active. I bought an XBOX 360 with Kinect so we can work out together. I look foward to our nightly dance-offs. I don't restrict her food, just encourage her to make healthy choices. All the food in the house is acceptable as any treats such as chips or candy are purchased in single serving sizes only, and we only have pop as a rare occasional treat.
One can address weight concerns without degrading a person...it is all about approach.0 -
I come from a large Italian family who are all very opinionated and won't hesitate to tell you about yourself to your face. You never have to wonder what they think of you or worry that they are talking about you behind your back, believe me. I grew thick skin early on in life and it has seen me through. Bullies didn't bully me more than once. Being told to go *kitten* themselves took away their fun because I didn't go home crying to mommy. I was taught to say "go *kitten* yourself" when I was in kindergarten, by my grandmother no less, by the way. You can't change others, but you can keep your head up and not let them beat you down.My mom lives in another state and when she visits her first comment is always about how "fat" I am, in front of my family, multiple times. It makes me feel so horrible and angry because I've been working really hard to keep up with my fitness and can now fit into my old 25 inch waist jeans. I realize I was heavy set when I was younger, but my parents were the ones buying me McDonalds all the time and being raised by them is subsequently how I established my eating habits. I can't tell you how many times she's known that this pattern makes me extremely upset, yet it continues.
How have you gotten a loved one to understand the hurtfulness of their words?
Parents, when you talk to your kids about their weight do you realize how malicious you sound? How do you avoid it or tactfully bring it up?
I realize it's different when there is a major concern, but I'm addressing the times when it's mainly more about aesthetics? This situation really makes it tough to feel like any progress I make will warrant positive reinforcement from my mom.0 -
My mom pretty much effed up my self esteem throughout my whole childhood. A few weeks ago actually, my family watched a home video of my brother and I at the beach with my mom holding the video camera. All you can hear in the background is, "Angie, suck in your stomach! Angie, you look so big in those shorts! Angie, your fat is showing!" Gee, thanks mom. I love her to death and hate to point fingers but the fact is clear as day. I'm so grateful that she came to me the next day and apologized to me for telling me those things all my childhood. She's an amazing momma, she's just asian. And asians can be disgustingly blunt. Ugh.
My mom says the same thing to me in every picture! Suck in or Keep your neck up so your extra chin doesnt show. Even when I was taking pictures for this site, she was like candace you really need to suck it in a little.... ahh mothers0 -
It's interesting how several MFP members consider it abuse if a child is overweight. My son is overweight as a parent I am doing everything I can to encourage a healthy lifestyle. We have him on a specialized plan that his Doctor has created. We talk openly about fat in our family not as a negative but as a reality. We also talk about teasing which has made my son stronger. I have always been there for him every step of the way, he isn't overweight because I'm a bad parent. He's has ODD, an under-active thyroid and genetics are against him. He has always been a big boy since he was born, I breastfed him for over year. The ODD makes it hard to get him active but it's a struggle I take on daily. At home we provide him with healthy meals and I've done everything in my power to get his father and grandparents which he visits often on board but they seem to only feed him take out. I became overweight because of all the stress in my life I don't make time for myself and when no one is round find myself snacking on junk and laying in bed because I'm depressed -when my sons not home so my unhealthy habits aren't exhibited in front of him. So before you cast judgement on the parents of overweight parents perhaps you should stop and think maybe this child is over weight due to other issues other than diet and physical activity. Yes parents who let their children eat whatever when ever are being abusive but that is not always the case. When a child is overweight it's not about dieting and massive exercise it's about trying to help them not gain anymore so they can grow into their weight. Putting children on diet plans and extreme exercise plans can damage their development.0
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